After Loss: Hope for Widows, Widowers, and Partners

By Linda Donovan

With After Loss, Linda Donovan provides a compassionate approach to help people rebuild their lives while tending to their grief. Linda experienced grief when she lost her husband to cancer. She offers deep insight from her perspective as a grief-support volunteer for hospice, where she has helped countless widows, widowers, partners, and their families. Linda shares how you can work through your grief and move forward at a comfortable pace. Through her own personal experience, best practices, and creative exercises, she lays out a road map to assist you in adjusting to your new life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Aug 29, 2019
• ISBN: 9781728320984

Linda Donovan

LINDA DONOVAN is a writer, grief-support advocate, and marketing consultant. She has been a professional writer for more than 30 years, and her work has appeared in books, blogs, magazines, newspapers, and other publications. She won a 2014 Writer’s Digest award for a digital version of a self-help book that she coauthored. Linda became involved with her local hospice after experiencing how the hospice team provided so much assistance to her family. She has been leading grief-support groups for Hospice of Santa Cruz County for more than a decade.

Book preview

© 2019 Thought Leadership Success, LLC. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

This publication is designed to educate and provide general information regarding the subject material covered. It is not intended to replace the counsel of other professional advisers such as doctors, psychologists, lawyers, or financial planners. Readers are encouraged to consult with their own advisers regarding specific situations. While the author has taken reasonable precautions in the preparation of this book and believes the facts presented within the book are accurate, the author assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions. The author specifically disclaims any liability resulting from the use or application of the information contained in this book. The information within this book is not intended to serve as emotional or therapeutic advice related to individual situations.

Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Published by AuthorHouse  10/08/2019

ISBN: 978-1-7283-2099-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-2097-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-7283-2098-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019910873

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Author photo by Della Calfee

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

PRAISE FOR AFTER LOSS

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Goes to where you are, accepts it, and takes you forward from there with compassion and support. It’s like talking with a loving and comforting friend who completely understands what you’re going through.

—Deborah Malkin, Attorney at Law, Certified Specialist in Estate Planning, Trusts, and Probate

Grieving created many obstacles that made it difficult to move on after my wife’s death. This book shows how to overcome them by providing solid strategies with real-life examples. The book made me realize that I was not alone with my feelings and fears and identified a pathway with achievable goals to support the healing process.

—Paul Karz

Contains valuable and practical insights for anyone coping with loss. The author is clearly an expert and becomes a trusted friend throughout the pages. Highly recommended.

—Alesa Lightbourne, Ph.D., Author of The Kurdish Bike

Sometimes you have no choice in the path life takes you. As a widow, I know that you often have choices once you are on that path. That is to make plans, survive, and find happiness. Make good choices, don’t be afraid to investigate options, and do the hard tasks to make yourself financially independent. This book offers guidance to set you on the right path.

—Patti Schlunt

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1 Working Through The Tasks Of Grief

Journaling Your Way through Loss

Finding Other Ways to Communicate

Keeping a Mood Diary to Support Self-Care

Addressing Unfinished Business: Anger, Guilt, and Forgiveness

Getting Help With Grief Support and Therapy

Wondering Why You’re Grieving if You Were in an Unhappy Relationship

Knowing What to Do When What’s Familiar Is Not Your Friend—At Least Not Right Away

Dealing with Memorial Services, Funerals, and the Need for Closure

CHAPTER 2 Developing Strategies for Moving Forward

Gaining Insight through Loss and Finding Opportunities for Growth

Getting the Support of Your Family and Friends

Rediscovering Yourself

Embracing the Power of Making a Difference

CHAPTER 3 Taking Control

Defining Who You Are Now and What You Want

Decluttering: Addressing Physical and Emotional Challenges

Deciding if You Should Relocate

Reaching Out to Avoid Loneliness, Even When You’re Afraid

Healing through Volunteering, Working, and Loving Your Pet

Tackling Money Issues and Family Dynamics

Communicating Your Medical Priorities

Dealing with Emotional Triggers

CHAPTER 4 Getting to Know the New You

Putting the Ring Away—or Moving It—and Contemplating Dating

Meeting People Online

Experiencing the Power of Travel

CHAPTER 5 Feeling Better over Time

Knowing What to Expect

Sample Plan—Establishing and Focusing on Long-Term Priorities

CHAPTER 6 Navigating Your Way through New Relationships and Beginnings

Setting Expectations Based on Your Age, Situation, Economic Factors, and Gender

CHAPTER 7 Learning to Love Again

Deciding if You’re Ready for a New Relationship

Blending Your Family and Mine

Living Together

Taking the Big Step—Getting Married

Loving a New Career or Fulfilling Activity

Enjoying the Company of Pets, Family, and Friends

CHAPTER 8 Conclusion

Appendix A Close Look At The First Year After Loss

Understanding Grief—You’re Not Going Crazy

Identifying Common Reactions to Grief

Exploring a Grief Timeline—Dealing with Multiple Losses

Coping During the First Year

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To my family with love

and gratitude. To the memory of Paul (my late husband), Lenny (my dad), Shelly (my stepfather), and Kelly (my friend).

INTRODUCTION

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It takes a lot of work to put your life back together after a loss. You may wonder why you’re still feeling stuck, lonely, or struggling, even if it has been a year or many years since your spouse or partner died. To complicate matters, you may not be sure how to deal with the seemingly unrelenting financial, emotional, legal, physical, and logistical obstacles you face. This book will help you learn how to tackle those challenges, answer some of your most pressing questions about moving forward, and help you to get back on your feet again.

How do you know when you’re ready to rebuild your life after loss? I had a defining moment that motivated me. I had never lived alone until my daughter, Laura, left home to attend college several months after my husband, Paul, died. It was a shock adjusting to an empty house with no one to keep me company except my Jack Russell terrier, Roxy. Since I worked from my home, I spent more time with my dog than I did with people.

One night, as Roxy sat upright in a chair at the dinner table, I stared at her, watching closely as she eagerly waited for me to put scraps of chicken on her plate. She nodded her head, looked me straight in the eyes, and carefully put her paw up and down on the table repeatedly. This was her way of asking me for a second helping. I suddenly realized that there was something very wrong with this picture. Although I loved my dog, I needed to spend more time with people. I was ready to move outside my comfort zone. The key was in figuring out how to get started.

You might have experienced a similar time when your grief shifted. The approach you use in tending to your grief may vary, based on your age, your support network, economic situation, or gender. It can be influenced by where you live, how the person died, unresolved issues that need to be addressed, complex family/stepfamily situations, and other factors. After Loss describes how to take these circumstances into consideration, create a plan that works best for you, and implement it at a comfortable pace.

I can relate to loss because I’ve gone through it. The recommendations in this book are based on my own experience as a widow and Paul’s caretaker, along with an understanding of modern best practices for grief support. I’ve led grief groups for Hospice of Santa Cruz County, providing support to widows, widowers, partners, and their families for more than ten years. From firsthand experience, I also understand the impact that loss can have on the children of the deceased. These experiences have enabled me to help many people cope with loss and issues related to family dynamics. I’ve helped them to find fulfillment in their lives and relationships.

Although the path to rebuilding your life may seem frustrating and overwhelming at times, you can emerge from this experience with resilience and insight you never expected. You can take steps that will be comforting, practical, and rewarding over time. After Loss will be your guide to help you take control.

Keep in mind that when you lose the one you love, your own identity changes. I’ll show you how to cope with the new normal and help you to develop goals, expand your horizons, make informed decisions, and nurture relationships with others. You’ll discover how to define who you are and what you want. Perhaps you’ll pursue a rewarding hobby or career.

In fact, you might even find a new companion or fall in love again. Although the prospect of entering into a new relationship may be the furthest thing from your mind now, it could happen someday. So be open to new possibilities. I was and found happiness again, just like some of the other people that you’ll read about in this book.

EVERYONE SHOULD READ THE APPENDIX. IF YOUR LOSS HAS BEEN RECENT—WITHIN THE LAST YEAR—I SUGGEST THAT YOU READ THE APPENDIX FIRST. THE APPENDIX DESCRIBES THE GRIEF PROCESS AND INCLUDES STRATEGIES FOR GETTING THROUGH THE FIRST YEAR. THEN, READ THE FIRST TWO CHAPTERS, WHICH WILL HELP YOU TO WORK THROUGH THE TASKS OF GRIEF AND DEVELOP APPROACHES FOR MOVING FORWARD.

IN SOME CASES, IT MIGHT BE MANY MONTHS BEFORE YOU’RE PREPARED TO FOCUS ON THE OTHER CHAPTERS, BUT KEEP THIS BOOK HANDY SO THAT IT’S AVAILABLE WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.

Although After Loss doesn’t replace professional help, it’s designed to provide you with comfort and tools to assist you throughout your grief journey. The stories of people you’ll read about are composites based on real-world scenarios. They’re about people dealing with many of the challenges you might experience. They don’t refer to any specific individuals, except where I’ve clearly indicated that some were my family members or friends.

These questions may help you to define if you’re ready to move forward with the next stages of rebuilding your life. You’ll find out how to address them and explore many other topics of interest in After Loss.

• Are you interested in discovering who you really are and what you want, now that your role has changed?

• Would you like to learn ways to deal with everyday challenges?

• Do you have the energy to make some changes?

• Have you thought about what it takes to declutter your home or life?

• Do you know how to get the emotional, logistical, and financial support you might need?

• Are you interested in going back to work or engaging in social activities but don’t know how to get started?

• Do you need help dealing with family dynamics?

• Are you struggling with deciding where to live?

• Would you like to identify and set some achievable goals to improve the quality of your life and find joy?

• Have you figured out some of the best ways to avoid loneliness and isolation?

• If you’re interested in dating or companionship, do you know how to pursue it in a way that’s most comfortable for you?

Let this book be your road map to adjusting to your new life and helping you to achieve fulfillment, hope, and joy again. I found it, and so can you.

(In case you are wondering how Roxy handled the change in her status, she was much happier—even though she was banned from the dinner table—as I became stronger and more self-assured.)

CHAPTER 1

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WORKING THROUGH THE TASKS OF GRIEF

How many times have you heard someone ask, When are you going to stop grieving? It’s a common, unsettling statement. People who say this don’t realize that tending to grief is a journey, and it takes time to adapt. If you start crying when you hear a song because it reminds you of your partner, or you are uncomfortable in social situations where everyone else is coupled and seems happy, you’re not alone.

Perhaps you can’t even go back to restaurants where you had meals with your loved one. That reaction is perfectly normal. If you cry at your son’s wedding, your daughter’s graduation, or your grandson’s birth because your husband isn’t there to enjoy it, understand that this type of response is common.

Hospice refers to the process of tending to grief as doing grief work. And it is work! No one grieves in the same way as anyone else; there’s no one-size-fits-all template. Fortunately, you can use a variety of strategies to help ease the pain and enable you to move forward with your life. In this chapter, I’ll discuss some of them and give you tools for moving at the pace that works best for you.

JOURNALING YOUR WAY THROUGH LOSS

Even if your partner was terminally ill and you expected his death, it’s still a difficult adjustment in moving from we to me. One of the most effective tools for coping, which has helped many people, involves journaling, whether it’s done early after a loss, over a period of many months, or much longer.

This approach was easy for me to follow and maintain. I made it a practice to write down my feelings each night for the first