Color Me Yellow: Finding Your Voice in the Tension Between God’s Promises and Their Fulfillment

By Sarah Raquel Gautier

You hold a powerful voice inside of you.
A voice that adds color to God’s canvas on earth.

God is a master artisan painting a beautiful canvas filled with vibrant colors. We are those colors. We see the beauty of the canvas when we find our colors. Those colors release their fullest expression when we communicate with our God-designed voice.

In a world where we constantly consume the voices of others, it can be tempting to mimic the voices we hear. When we allow other voices to become our voices, we can easily dilute the unique color that God designed within us.

But we are not the echoes of other people’s voices. We are uniquely designed colors. Together, we can begin to add our color to God’s masterpiece.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Mar 14, 2019
• ISBN: 9781973653035

Sarah Raquel Gautier

Sarah Raquel Gautier has devoted her life to building up people into their God-designed selves. She grew up in ministry serving alongside her family, but never imagined she would become a Pastor. Sarah majored in English Literature and minored in Violin Performance at the University of Central Florida in Orlando. She received her Juris Doctor from Northeastern University School of Law in Boston. Sarah stayed in Boston working with minority-owned small businesses as a transactional attorney. For a decade, she served as the youth pastor at Congregación León de Judá. She worked in nonprofit leadership at a local organization supporting first generation college students. When she’s not skydiving or skateboarding, Sarah is seizing her newest adventure: serving as the Lead Pastor of Living Stones in Boston, a spiritual house where everyone comes alive in Christ. Throughout every experience, Sarah has supported folks on the journey to find their voices - their God designed colors. Her prayer is that you find and add your color to God’s canvas.

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Copyright © 2019 Sarah Raquel Gautier.

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Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-9736-5302-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-5304-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-5303-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019901461

WestBow Press rev. date: 3/6/2019

CONTENTS

Prologue: The Music Stopped.

Part 1 Finding Your Voice

Color You ________

What Makes You Tick? What Ticks You Off?

Corrective Lenses

Look Out To See

Part 2 In The Tension

Wilderness Wanderings

Twisted Truths. Distorted Directions. Blurred Lines.

Endlessly In Wonder

Give Me This Mountain

Part 3 Between God’s Promises And Their Fulfillment

Sacred Intermissions

Another Day Later On

What Do You Want?

Finding Your Voice

Epilogue: The Music Continues…

Endnotes

To My Parents - My Priestly Trailblazers

You have stood firm with me in the tension,

as I became yellow,

as I am becoming yellow, and

as I will become yellow.

PROLOGUE:

THE MUSIC STOPPED.

When I was nineteen-years-old the music stopped. After taking piano lessons with my older brother for about a month, we realized I couldn’t make my hands go in separate directions while being so close together. Our music teacher suggested I take up another instrument. So, I started playing the guitar when I was four. Secretly, I think my brother and I were both happy not to be playing the same instrument. The piano could be his thing, but the guitar would be mine.

We moved to Florida and after being on the waiting list for nearly two years, we finally were placed in the town’s performing arts elementary school. I adamantly wanted to play the guitar, but they didn’t teach guitar at the school and my mom forced me to play the violin. There I was, an eight year old aspiring guitar rock star with a newly rented violin tucked underneath my chin. Can you imagine a nerdier instrument?!

My parents graciously kept me in both guitar lessons and violin lessons, until I started high school when it became evident that I was excelling far more at the violin than the guitar. I had been accepted into the town’s performing arts high school and the violin became my main focus. My childhood aspirations of rocking out on a stage with the electric guitar faded into the distance. (Ironically, I never even played the electric guitar and was only a classically trained guitar player. I didn’t even really know chords! But a kid can dream.)

Year after year, I grew in my passion for the violin. I auditioned and got accepted into the orchestra at my undergraduate university. I even received a scholarship to double major in violin performance. While I knew I wanted to go to law school, I also knew that music was a vital part of my life. Music was the language that spoke for me when words fell short. Playing the violin in orchestras, in competitions, and in church, became my voice.

Maybe you have something like this in your life. Maybe it’s not an instrument, but there’s something that you do that makes you feel like who you were always authentically designed to be. Perhaps it’s when you put your lacrosse stick in your hand and you cradle the ball down the field to line up the perfect shot. Perhaps it’s when you’re behind a camera capturing the perfect lighting for the perfect image. Perhaps it’s when you’re pouring the milk into a cappuccino to design the perfect leaf in the foam for a customer. The pursuit of excellence you have for that thing is unmatched and undeterred and it becomes the way that you communicate your God-design to your world. That’s your voice and the violin was mine.

But then in my second year of college, I began to feel pain in my left arm. Shooting pain in my left wrist revealed something was wrong. Numbness and tingling in my left shoulder caused red flags to go off in my mind. Something was not right. At this point, I was practicing two to three hours a day, going to two-hour long rehearsals, playing in ensembles, and participating in a violin masterclass. The hours spent with my instrument - this extension of my body - were taking a harsh toll on my left shoulder and wrist and then on my whole body.

I tried to avoid the pain for as long as I could. I kept it to myself for longer than I should. I knew I needed to see my doctor. Finally, after I admitted the pain, my doctor set up an appointment for me to see a hand specialist. My mom went with me and we had x-rays done. The x-rays didn’t reveal that anything was broken, which was a good sign. They set me up to get an MRI done on my hand. They quickly uncovered that I had overexerted the tendons in my wrist causing severe inflammation. The tendonitis could heal with appropriate physical therapy and rest from playing the violin. While I am generally pretty stubborn when it comes to rest and taking care of myself, I listened and got straight to resting, physical therapy, and taking some pain medication to help.

When I went back to playing again after a couple of months, my wrist was fine, but the pain in my shoulder flared up again and became unbearable. During our spring concert, I remember nearly having to put my violin down halfway through our final piece because the pain was excruciating. Remember, I’m stubborn, so I pushed through the pain, but after that concert, I could barely lift my arm, because the pain was so severe.

I went back to the doctor and got an MRI of my left shoulder. The scans revealed a deformity in the bone structure of my rotator cuff. A normal rotator cuff has a smooth connection between the joints, but my rotator cuff looks like a hook. Every time I make the motion to pick up and hold my violin the hook presses into the tendons and the sack of fluids between shoulder and arm bones. This is a motion I have been doing since I was eight years old. After all of these years, that motion caused severe inflammation in my shoulder to the point that I could barely lift my arm. They told me I had bursitis, which is inflammation of the sack of fluid that protects the movement between the joints in my shoulder. Sitting on a cold bed in the examination room with a white and blue gown silenced by the image of my deformity, the doctor told me I needed to make a decision about playing the violin ever again.

He provided suggestions about potential solutions. Physical therapy, pain medication, cortisone shots, or even surgery. When they mentioned surgery, my mom and I asked the doctor about this process and the likelihood of truly fixing the problem. He told us that he would go inside the shoulder and try to shave down the hook. There was a 50% chance that it would fix the problem in the long-term. I would not be able to play for at least six months while I recovered and underwent intensive physical therapy. My parents and I looked at the odds and decided at this point it wasn’t really worth the risk.

I did get my first cortisone shot that day. The long, cold needle penetrating the space between my joints in my left shoulder. Honestly, it felt more painful than helpful in that moment. I sat there still and numb, except for a tear that welled up and ran quickly down my cheek. What did this all mean? What was my life going to look like if the shots, physical therapy, and pain medication didn’t help?

I faithfully attended physical therapy and did the exercises they taught me at home. During the first few weeks, I went to physical therapy three times a week. I rested for three months before I picked up the violin again. Then, when I finally tried to pick it up, the pain quickly started to develop again. I knew nothing could help. My junior year of college was about to begin and the music stopped.

I was angry. I was confused. I was lost. And all of these emotions seemed trapped inside me. Music was my outlet and my voice. It was the only way that I knew how to communicate my authentic design. I never wanted to be a professional musician (I always wanted to be a lawyer - We’ll talk more about that journey later), but I always thought music would be part of my life. I always imagined myself playing for my church’s worship team. I always imagined myself going to rehearsals after work and playing concerts on the weekends. God had given me this talent and had used it so fully for ministering to His people and now this. I thought my hands were anointed for this purpose.

I asked so many questions during the season that followed. Why did You give it to me if You knew You were going to take it away? Why would You take it away like this? Why did You make me with this deformity in my shoulder? Why am I undergoing so much pain? Why? Why? Why? Countless whys that only led me further into questions and desperation. I didn’t know much during this season, but I knew I had lost my voice. I knew that I felt like my calling was a grey foggy haze. I’d turned twenty-years-old and everything that I thought I knew about myself and my voice went completely silent.

My world turned upside down with a lack of clarity and lack of ability to communicate. I felt trapped inside this cave I dug inside of myself. I stopped sleeping well, I stopped eating well, and I started to question everything - even more than I already was accustomed to doing. I was an English literature major in undergrad, so I am trained to over analyze and criticize everything. I spent months wondering if my dream to go to law school was going to end up being a total flop too and nearly quit on my dream. Until one day, nearly a year later in my last year of college, a friend of mine reminded me of my authentic design.

We were sitting in her living room on the floor and there were crayons all over the grey coffee table. I was sulking and feeling depressed. I was struggling to articulate my feelings. She looked at me and said: Sarah, I’m just going to color you yellow until you believe it. I was so confused by what she meant. The words seemed to make no sense to me. Until the light bulb went off and I realized that I am yellow. I thought my whole identity was caught up in that extension of my body underneath my neck for eleven years - my instrument, my voice. While that was part of me, it wasn’t the whole of me. I was not designed to be this heavy grey cloud of doom. I was designed to be a bright beam of yellow that helps other people out of their grey clouds. This was my true voice and my true design. She knew that. She also knew that I had to go through my grey to fully appreciate my yellow. But it was time to be called out of the grey. It was time to be called out of the darkness into His marvelous light.

Color me yellow.

Yellow, the way this color mixes with other colors to create new shades, tones, and hues.

Yellow, the way a bright yellow umbrella provides shelter from the rain.

Yellow, the way bright yellow rain boots scamper through Spring’s rain puddles.

Yellow, the way rays break through a cloud-filled day.

Yellow, the way light beams from a lighthouse as a beacon of hope for others to find their way.

Yellow, the way the sun breaks through every inch of darkness.

Color me a shade that lights the path for others who are searching to express their color.

Color me yellow.

PART 1

FINDING YOUR VOICE

You hold a powerful voice inside of you. A voice that adds color to God’s canvas on Earth.

God is a master artisan painting a beautiful canvas filled with vibrant colors. We are those colors. We see the beauty of the canvas when we find our colors. Those colors release their fullest expression when we communicate with our God-designed voice.

Our lives can be an adventurous journey of self-discovery. God - the master artisan - has uniquely designed each of us and invites us to know our authentic design. And not simply to know it, but God desires for us to speak through our authentic design.

In a world where we constantly consume the voices of others, it can be tempting to mimic the voices we hear. We can easily dilute the unique color that God designed within us, when we allow other voices to become our voices. Our voices can become distorted when we allow ourselves to become parrots who repeat what we’ve heard, instead of speaking from what’s deep inside us.

Finding our voice is first about uncovering what’s inside. It’s about uncovering those essential pigments that when, added together, reflect our God-design. We are not the echoes of other people’s voices. We are not parrots who repeat others. We are not anyone else’s color. We are uniquely designed colors and we can uncover that design inside of us. Together, we can begin to add our color to God’s masterpiece.

In the journey ahead, I want to support you in finding your color - your God-designed voice. Think of me as a coach, mentor, cheerleader, guide, or close friend who will stand alongside you as you find your color. God wants to use your color to continue to paint a beautiful canvas in you, through you, and for others. I’m honored and excited to be on this journey with you.

Our journey is divided into three parts:

Part 1: Finding Your Voice

Part 2: In the Tension

Part 3: Between God’s Promises and Their Fulfillment

Let me say at the outset, the adventure of self-discovery lasts a lifetime. One of the most exciting parts of finding our voices is that it’s a journey of coming home to our most authentic selves and of becoming our most authentic selves. Each part of our journey will teach us how to find our voice and throughout our lives we’ll find ourselves coming back to these parts.

In Part 1, we will learn to uncover our voice and establish a foundation.

In Part 2, we will learn to refine our voice through our challenges, obstacles, victories, and failures.

In Part 3, we will learn to strengthen our voice to impact and inspire others.

As we begin Part 1, we’ll engage with three elements that form the foundation of our voices. These elements - our core values, mindset, and vision - are the essential pigments that define our colors. Our understanding of these elements provide a solid foundation for us as we go on the adventurous journey of finding our voices in the tension between God’s promises and their fulfillment.

COLOR YOU ________

At the center of God’s deepest desire for you is divine longing to complete your transformation. God’s dream for you is that you become whole and holy as you find your identity and fulfillment in mystical union with the Lord God. // David G. Benner, Desiring God’s Will

God longs to fulfill the promises that He has made to you. But you may wonder, if God has told me X promise, then why doesn’t my life look like X promise?

On our journey to find our voice in the tension between God’s promises and their fulfillment, God is transforming us. Before we can begin to fully uncover our voice, we must begin to understand our identity in Christ. God creates space for us to understand ourselves, so that we can fully receive His promises.

Continuous Action in Progress

One of the core truths about your identity in Christ is:

You have been transformed, you are being transformed, and you will be transformed.

The fulfillment of God’s promises comes through the process of transformation. And transformation is a process of heavy and light. In this process, interruptions will happen that seem like barriers to finding your voice. You will feel chaotic, uncertain, or fearful that God’s truths won’t reach their fulfillment. You may ask yourself: Am I really transforming at all? These feelings can distract you. But never forget: the voice lives inside.

The Bible speaks of transformation as an already, not yet process. This already, not yet process means we have already been transformed even as we are being transformed although we have not yet been fully transformed. It’s one of the great mysteries of faith and its mysteriousness makes it equally wondrous. How can we both be seated with Christ in the heavenly realms¹ even as we are presently sitting in a coffee shop reading this sentence? The answer: Already, not yet.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.² These words, originally written in Greek, teach us that be transformed signifies continuous action in progress. So, we discover the instruction to be transformed by the renewing of your mind is an invitation to undergo a metamorphosis. As followers of Christ, the ongoing process of transformation means understanding and accepting that we are not who we were and we are not yet who we were designed to be. The process continues and unfolds. We become.

That’s the beautiful part of the process of transformation. We are being transformed into our authentic design. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.³ Other versions of this verse call us His handiwork or His masterpiece. Regardless of the translation, the truth is that you are made by God. The word used for workmanship is poiēma, a work of fabric. You are woven with the threads of God himself. The tag on the fabric of your life doesn’t say Made in [insert whatever country you were born in], it says Made in Christ Jesus. At a point in time in the past, you were created by God and created of God. You are being transformed into your authentic design - the workmanship of God. This is why your voice matters so much. This is why it’s so important to find your voice. It’s part of being transformed into your true design.

Accepting the process of transformation also means accepting the cost of discipleship. Transformation happens through discipline. Living out your God-designed self will cost you. Jesus tells a great crowd that was following him and searching for meaning in their lives:

Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ [Luke 14:27-30]

Jesus did not sugarcoat the cost of transformation. He never told them that transformation was going to be rainbows and butterflies. In fact, He promises a cost. The disciplined work of slowing down and digging deep inside yourself comes at a cost. But this costly discipline - with its heavy and light - will result in you finding your voice and speaking your voice. Your voice - that color that God designed you to be - will be a color of His image to a world that needs to know that