Cowboys & Indians & India

By Moonpickle

Ame N. dreams almost every night and interprets them through the Dreamer’s Dictionary by Lady Stearn Robinson, which is the only dream dictionary that she discovered in the earlier ’90s. Because she has looked at it so frequently, it has fallen apart, and she has had to buy more than one. Now she basically has the book memorized. Since her dreams have such an impact on her, she uses them in everyday life, which is what she learned to do when she took a dream class at Agneta’s in West Hartford, Connecticut, in the spring of 2000. After that was when she began to keep a record of her dreams in the Dreamland Companion by Ilan Kutz, which she bought in the earlier ’90s and read in the mid ’90s. She has so many dreams it is impossible to write them all down, including the details, which are vital. She wrote Cowboys & Indians because she had a dream seeing the simple, popular book. She knew the inside had to be complex, so she added & India for its long journey.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 30, 2018
• ISBN: 9781984559982

Book preview

Copyright © 2018 by Moonpickle.

Library of Congress Control Number:              2018912414

ISBN:                  Hardcover                     978-1-9845-6000-1

                            Softcover                       978-1-9845-5999-9

                            eBook                            978-1-9845-5998-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted

in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system,

without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the

product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance

to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 04/16/2019

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773591

Contents

Week One: Recovering A Sense of Safety

Week Two: Recovering a Sense of Identity

Week Three: Recovering a Sense of Power

Week Four: Recovering a Sense of Integrity

Week Five: Recovering a Sense of Possibility

Week Six: Recovering a Sense of Abundance

Week Seven: Recovering a Sense of Connection

Week Eight: Recovering a Sense of Strength

Week Nine: Recovering a Sense of Compassion

Week Ten: Recovering a Sense of Self-Protection

Week Eleven: Recovering a Sense of Autonomy

Week Twelve: Recovering a Sense of Faith

Week One: Recovering A Sense of Safety

Week Two: Recovering a Sense of Identity

Week Three: Recovering a Sense of Power

Week Four: Recovering a Sense of Integrity

Week Five: Recovering a Sense of Possibility

Week Six: Recovering a Sense of Abundance

Week Seven: Recovering a Sense of Connection

Week Eight: Recovering a Sense of Strength

Week Nine: Recovering a Sense of Compassion

Week Ten: Recovering a Sense of Self-Protection

Week Eleven: Recovering a Sense of Autonomy

Week Twelve: Recovering a Sense of Faith

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this book are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.

Week One:

Recovering A

Sense of Safety

Creativity flourishes in an atmosphere of safety and acceptance. That is the atmosphere you will be building for yourself through the morning pages. The sense of this safety may not be immediate. In fact, undertaking morning pages may feel both exciting and scary. Will I really find the time? What if I have nothing to say? You will have something to say––even if that something is merely griping at committing to the pages.

It is the artist date that many of you may find more tricky. It sounds so frivolous. What good could that do?

Exactly this. Artist dates reinforce your sense of safety. They strengthen your contact with a source of benevolence in the world at large. When you write morning pages you are like a person in a life raft sending out a signal: Here. Here I am. This is what I want. But until you take your artist date, it is as if you have your receive channel shut off. In other words, you may SOS, but when the call comes back, "Tell us again, exactly," you don’t hear it. You leave yourself marooned and feeling frightened. Please practice both tools together.

We speak of practicing the morning pages and practicing the artist date. You do not need to use either tool perfectly. Be gentle but persistent in your attempts. Here are the answers to some often-asked questions:

Yes, morning pages should be done in the morning. Yes, it’s better to do pages late than not at all. (And yes, everyone is tempted to cheat a little.)

As for the artist dates, they are easily sabotaged. A friend may ask to come along. A deadline may suddenly rear its head. Be vigilant about protecting your artist date. Plan it ahead of time, execute it, and consider it a major victory no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

Your sense of safety will grow, along with your sense of mastery over these basic tools.

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1. There is no wrong way to do morning pages. These daily morning meanderings are not meant to be art. (p. 10)

10/10/15, 6:20 p.m.

Censor

I’m skeptical of this process, since the book was published in 1992. Writing 3 pages is broad, since journals are different sizes. I received this book this afternoon and will not be writing in the morning most of the time, since I sleep late. I have many other journals, but have been scared to write in them like there is a blockage. I’ve been reading current events on the computer, but it’s nice to read a book finally and I want to paint again where there has been a blockage. The last painting was too detailed and the long bench I was sitting/painting on got warped. Since then Rich took down the religious shadowbox picture that was hanging above the fireplace next to the bench and replaced it with a mirror with wooded shelves, which I have made my altar. I’ve supplied it with oils, candles, rocks, and herbs, which I hope will increase my creativity and purchased mainly for Halloween. I’m afraid I have some enemies, and I’m hoping it will help. I think I’m afraid to write because then I’ll find out the truth. The last psychologist I went to I was convinced it was my mom who was the problem. Shortly after I told my mom who my psychologist was I got a bad vibe and had to end the relationship. I was very happy with her and was seeing her for 3 years I’m wondering if that’s the reason why Johnny April and I stopped being friends. I feel like my mom is turning everyone around me against me and wants to make me unhappy. I wish there was a way to unblock that. I feel like I have alot of friends who are successful from my expense. My mom wants me to remain in this rut while everyone else is normal and has fun. I don’t know what’s fun or popular anymore. I thought people my age would stop making fun of people and trying to find what’s popular. I guess people act a certain way and are a totally different person underneath. Something is blocking me from making new friends. I think people think I’m a lesbian because I’m not

enemies

1. Jodi Brickley

2. Stephen Bridges

3. April Vincent

I was embarrassed when Pedro saw me picking my nose as he was peeking through the crack of the door to his bedroom

Champions

1. Ting Fiang - Senior year Art class

2. Tiffany Drumm - All drawing

3. Alexa Spear - Senior year interior decorating

Aunt Ferris,

Thank you for saying that my paintings look like they belong in an art exhibit.

Sincerely,

Renee

To: Ferris

111 Island Street

Hudson, MA

Renee

366 Ingleside Street

Holyoke, MA 01040

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2. Morning pages map our own interior. Without them our dreams may remain terra incognita. (p. 15)

married like them and secluded. Truth is I’m a very creative person that they must be jealous of. I get turned on thinking of Johnny April having sex with other women and I’m finally able to get in tune with him. I can visualize him having sex with his ex-girlfriend and can hear a girl say how she’s his biggest fan, which really turned me on, and that’s all I need to satisfy myself. My mother and friends don’t understand alternative relationships. I have no other choice with Rich and I’m just waiting to find the right sex partner where I’ll have no regrets. I’ve tried everything to convince Johnny April. I wrote my mother e-mails to try to sort things out, but instead she takes me out to dinner, because she knows Rich won’t. My friends and my brother go out to dinner like it’s nothing. My mom used to be so tight with money and now she sends it like water like control. Johnny was probably jealous of sex life in the past, while he probably wasn’t getting as much, which was why he most likely cut me off. He never complimented me once and used them so freely with other women as well as I Love You’s It was a trick all along. I’ll just have to ignore him like I did before and think of him as ugly as well as my mom. I know they’re both comparing me to others.

10/11/15, 12:55 p.m.

I prevented Rich from watching porno on the computer since it makes him stay up late at night and makes him grumpy in the morning, but he insists on watching it though he chooses people who are ugly. Even I like to watch porno, but would probably watch it more if he didn’t. I shouldn’t have to watch it at all. We used to watch it together when he had sex, but now we don’t have sex at all. I’m worried that those ugly people are leaving a negative image on me since he tends to criticize me. I feel ugly watching them. I feel beautiful watching attractive people on porno. I’m wondering if he’s doing it on purpose to lower my self esteem. Maybe it’s just because he’s

To Whom It May Concern:

Johnny April has wrinkles, a missing tooth, and gray hair.

Sincerely

Renee

To: Renee

366 Ingleside Street

Holyoke, MA 01040

1. singer

2. dancer

3. painter

4. drawer

5. model

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3. The morning pages move us into artist brain. Artist brain is our inventor, our child, our very own personal absent-minded professor. Artist brain says, Hey! That is so neat! It puts odd things together…. (p. 13)

not popular enough. He’s popular, but maybe he just doesn’t think highly of himself, since he associates with all types of people. He complains about the house being messy, but I could have sex all the time like an addict. I think this book will help me become a neater person, since I believe spirituality is involved, which is what I had when I was younger. Last night when Rich was watching porno I felt this evil presence, but now it’s gone and I believe a change will happen. Rich and I are arguing but I feel he’s taking advantage of me and I was getting too comfortable with it. I thoroughly enjoyed having sex with Pedro and we didn’t need any outside stimulation like lingerie, porno, sex toys, or exotic trips. All we needed was his bedroom in the basement. I wonder what it was about him. Maybe I should have tried more, since I don’t think I’ll ever find that kind of regular gratification again. I thought Johnny April would be the same way since he’s a musician, but he admitted to me that he didn’t have sex as much as he did before I did go with Rich as a rebellion, since he was in a long term relationship and Pedro never was, but now it has gotten to the extreme how Rich doesn’t work and can’t have sex. I was Pedro’s longest relationship, then he went with a stripper, had a child, and recently got married I wasn’t interested in him as much when he moved into an apartment, because I felt cozy at his mom’s house and there was history there I knew there would be girls coming and going at his apartment, since he had many friends and he was very sexual. I was very possessive and was not interested in cleaning his apartment like he wanted. His sex drive has probably changed and he’s very much in love. Maybe it was because he was Spanish or his popularity that turned me on.

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4. The morning pages miniaturize our Censor. The Censor is part of our leftover survival brain. Any original thought can look pretty dangerous to our Censor. (p. 13)

10/12/15, 11:00 p.m.

I would really like a romantic relationship to last a lifetime, but I guess I’ll never find it. I feel like no ones attracted to me and maybe I’m not trying hard enough. I feel like I have enemies so there’s no support. I’m terrified of flings. Rich is romantic more in a lovey dovey way, but I never felt it in my heart. I just thought he was good-looking and missed him as a friend. There was never no sacrifice like Romeo and Juliet though he said he would retaliate if anyone hurt me, but that’s not between us. I guess since people know we don’t belong together and are unhappy they keep us together otherwise there would be that tug of war like Romeo and Juliet. I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I’m very comfortable in my relationship I don’t want my heart to break. I don’t want the hastle of meeting new people. I just always imagined my wedding being just right and never settleing, because I’m a very spiritual person I imagined making love throughout our honeymoon I had high expectations. I know I can get better, but my mother makes it seem like everything is difficult and everyone is unhappy. Things were easy for me once and I was happy so I know it’s possible. Back then there was more spirituality and love. Now I feel emptiness, especially after Johnny April blew me off. Everything he said was opposite and it was to benefit his friends and himself. He was wondering what my spirituality was. Well he took it and I haven’t been the same since. Before him I appreciated everything I had and he seemed below me. Now everything I have has no vibration. I’m trying to think of how to get it back. Maybe it was a way of him telling me I was in fantasy land, but my creativity was able to get to him. Now all my dreams have crumbled and I feel so hopeless knowing this

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5. Morning pages will allow you to detach from your negative Censor. It may even begin to seem like a grumpy cartoon character. (p. 13)

is where I’ll be for the rest of my life, so I just paint. I hope that isn’t taken away from me too. I’m hoping this book will help, because it seems like everyone wants the worst for me. They want everyone else to be happy like a competition. Why can’t we all be happy together? Why can’t I be one of Johnny April’s friend’s just like everyone else? I think they think I’m a trouble maker, but they are. I guess it’s status, but with all the bullying I thought that stopped. I guess Johnny April regrets going with me. We talked for so long and got along so well, especially at our first meeting and it will never happen again. I can’t get over it after 3 years. He was going to cum in me too. Sometimes I wished that he would have, but fame only lasts so long which is why I’m happy I’m with Rich and I wouldn’t know how to care for a baby Johnny would be selfish, involved in other things like women and I would miss Rich. I would miss him and I wouldn’t want to raise the baby with him. I guess I thought it would make him automatically love me and it would be guaranteed that I would have him. Boy would I have been sorry and looked dumb while all my other friends were married with loving normal husbands. At least Johnny April doesn’t know I’m harping over him as he’s sleeping with other women. I think he’s devoted to his family when I thought he was actually a loser and I had the ideal family I guess I’m him now and that’s why I look at everything as it really is. He was soft towards me during sex, but very cold, putting up a wall while I was giving his request for oral sex is almost like sado masachism.

10/13/15, 8:00 p.m.

I think I was afraid to write before because it had

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6. Doing your artist date, you are receiving––opening yourself to insight, inspiration, guidance. (p. 13)

something to do with my last psychologist. I started writing again when I saw her and she was a writer. All my journals basically consist of Johnny April, because I can’t have him and they will in the future, because I haven’t met anyone else. This is actually a good thing because it replaces all the e-mails I sent him like it’s backwards. I’m just wondering if my psychologist did something outside, since she saw I was so happy with Johnny April. I’m saying this, because she began to get too close to me and talk about her sexual orientation which seemed sensitive to her, but was irrelevant to me. Because I was collecting disability she suggested joining a program that she had an internship at in the mid nineties, but it made me feel below her though supposedly people at my level and hers participated in. She seemed to take the programs side though I was against the unprofessional way they treated me just to have an upper hand. She shared with me that one of her patients shot themselves to death and I’m wondering if she drove them to it by doing outside work, though she seemed sad. I’m wondering if maybe she contacted Johnny April pretending she’s straight. It’s killing me to know that he’s friends with women and having sex with them. I thought we would be close friends forever and we would be having sex on a regular basis, but instead he treated me like a slut. I believed what the fortune teller said and thought he was the one. Where would sleeping with him all the time get me anyway? Sooner or later he would find his wife and it would make me madder. It would make me feel good mentally and there are cheaters everywhere. I told him I was okay with him sleeping with other women. It was all a set up. I don’t have the friends like I used to help me. I just see a future of one night stands and no romance. It’s all because I have no support from my family. Then if I have a fling, I’ll feel too dirty to work out or live a daily life so I lead a boring one with Rich

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7. When we work at our art, we dip into the well of our experience and scoop out images. Because we do this, we need to learn how to put images back. How do we fill the well? By the artist date. (p. 21)

I could never have kids unless I broke all ties with my family like Damian. When I had the art studio in Erving I had piece of mind and was able to be creative. Another thing my last psychologist revealed to me was her office was her mate’s, so I felt like it was them against me and they discussed our session outside of practice.

10/14/15, 3:25 p.m.

Just can’t stop thinking about Johnny April. I guess my excuse will be that he’s famous, but I don’t even like his music and I’m not turned on by his fame. I was really turned off by him, because I could tell he was a player, but I went along with his opposite story. I keep on getting flashes probably because I’m committed to these morning pages and I’m trying to do everything in the old fashioned way as much as possible like not turn on the computer since there wasn’t internet back then. I see this big breasted blond bimbo on top of Johnny April, but I’m probably imagining it. She’s not a bimbo at all, because supposedly she reads alot of books and it seems like she’s so intelligent like she controls Johnny and the women he goes with like me. She also lived in a big house, but was divorcing and my first instinct was that Johnny was fucking her since he said he liked big boobs, but he said no. Now I’m beginning to wonder, especially since I was an English Literature major at the time. I was trying to remember what her name was and then I could hear her say it slowly to me, but I’m afraid if I look her up the magic will be gone. These are the types of women that make me feel good about myself and made me want to have sex with Johnny in the first place. Without them, their influence to pretend I’m them there’s no excitement. Besides it

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8. Unfortunately, many artists never receive critical early encouragement. As a result, they may not know they are artists at all. (p. 25)

will just take me back to that moment and there’s absolutely no way I can have him. I’m not jealous of these women. I want to be like them and get turned on when Johnny goes with them, but he won’t allow me to be a part of it. Maybe it’s because he sees how strong I am. That’s why I liked the fact that the first guy I had sex with had playboys in his closet. I would have loved to look at them, but I acted out the role anyway. He got mad when I cut my hair, probably because I wasn’t sexy enough, but I wanted my 80’s perm to grow out and something more manageable for the 90’s. There was alot of other things going on behind the scenes like mental abuse to put my self esteem down and physical abuse to make it twice as worse, so my image of a beautiful woman was diminished. He also tried to control me by buying expensive jewelry from he’s mother’s store which wasn’t my type since it wasn’t creative, but materialistic. He wasn’t my type to begin with and I don’t know what he say in me, but I think he sensed that I didn’t like him so he played mind games and dropped me. I think other people try to make you jealous on purpose even though it’s nothing that you want. All was going well with Johnny and I and then some outside influence had to ruin it, like Donna maybe. Things don’t turn from night to day. I’m trying to think of a way to stop it. I’m not letting sexuality get the best of me though it’s hard. I don’t relieve myself and when I do after watching women I dream of being that turn guys on I feel like I’ve run out of gas, so I’m trying to paint again. It’s actually better to masterbate, because you can do it when you want your way. I used to get so bored with sex after a while, but a guess it’s the way my first boyfriend treated me. I wonder if we got engaged right away if it would be different. I think another reason why I masterbate to women is because I dont have any close nurturing women friends and I feel like one of the guys being around Rich and his friends, not doing anything.

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9. Too intimidated to become artists themselves, very often too low in self-worth to even recognize that they have an artistic dream, many people become shadow artists instead. Artists themselves but ignorant of their true identity, shadow artists are to be found shadowing declared artists. (p. 27)

I can feel feminine again watching women. Being mentally and physically abused makes me feel like one of the guys. It was difficult in high school when you didn’t have any money and you couldn’t go out and do things and look nice. That’s why my first boyfriend married someone rich. No one even wears make-up or does their hair like they used to and it’s the inside that matters. I’m glad I can channel my creativity through painting. I would go with and always have wanted to go with another woman and I thought Johnny would give me that opportunity I guess he just likes making fun of people maybe because he was made fun of. If he gave me that opportunity he would probably automatically put me in the lesbian category. I’m sure I would got bored with that lifestyle after a while to. I guess it’s just best to remain traditional. I would never tell anyone if I went with another woman and that’s the best part of it is the secret. She would have to be fit, beautiful, and big breasted. I don’t know what’s taking so long. I know I can’t meet people by not making connections, but I don’t like to be popular and I thought Johnny April was going to help. I think he thinks I’m a lesbian and maybe others do. I can’t go forward with a heterosexual relationship without having that foundation. That’s the love and spirituality that’s missing that my mother can no longer provide because of her mental issues. She thought I was going to be a boy. I no longer trust her and don’t sense the love. She used to be my idle and I used to revolve everything around her. If she doesn’t love herself how can I take pride in her. She used to be a part of me. Now she’s distant and thinks she can buy me with her money. She blames her depression on family dying and because of it she’s not even religious anymore. She relys on food to make her happy and has

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10. Artists love other artists. Shadow artists are gravitating to their rightful tribe but cannot yet claim their birthright. (p. 27)

no other activities she’s involved in. She criticizes other people and doesn’t see their strengths. I think this is why everyone hates me now. I think my mom was happier when it was a better economy making more money so she’s attracted to people who make alot of money. All I see in that in emptiness when before I thought it equaled love. I didn’t realize she was working with my exboyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. I think she might have known that was my mom and took it to her advantage. Maybe that’s why my exboyfriend is so happily married now and I have no friends. Who knows what my mom said about me around her.

10/15/15, 5:20 p.m.

I thought I felt love for Rich yesterday, but then I think of all the times I mention Johnny April. Aren’t you suppose to think of the one you love all the time? I thought about him all the time, before he never responded time and again. Don’t alot of girls love him. Before I even knew him for some reason I was concerned when he was going to get married like it involved me some how I think he uses that as a method as luring women in and will never get married. It’s too late. He uses it too loosely as well as love, but he never used it will me and never complimented me once though he complimented so many others. I never think of Rich maybe because he’s already here. I do get concerned when he’s gone for a long time. Girls probably think of boys more in high school, because there’s nothing else to do. When Rich said he loved me I didn’t feel it though he said he loved me much more than his ex-girlfriend I just felt safe being away from the trendy crowd my exboyfriend was in. I didn’t want to compete with that. Now I feel like a fuddy dud with no future, especially how Johnny April shut me out. I forgot how to be popular. It happened long before Johnny and he just didn’t know because he was lost in a time warp. I thought Johnny was unpopular and I was doing him a favor

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11. In recovering from our creative blocks, it is necessary to go gently and slowly. What we are after here is the healing of old wounds––not the creation of new ones. (p. 29)

10/16/15, 11:20 p.m.

I just looked up Donna’s profile on Facebook and I don’t think she’s that great and I’m not intimidated by her I found out her boobs aren’t even real and she’s going with some ugly guy. She puts on alot of make-up to make her look whoreish almost like the singer of Twisted Sister. Some of her clothing is obnoxious too. I thought she had children, but maybe I’m mistaken. I would like to dress up like that for fun on Facebook and I kind of did in the past, but no one would understand, since everyone is so conservative. Everyone loves Donna though. In my vision of her on top of Johnny he wasn’t turned on by her, but I thought maybe he was pretending, since he said that was his type. Maybe he really was confused by my spirituality which was actually love, since he never felt it before and uses the word so freely. Perhaps that’s why he banned me from his Facebook page. Honestly I don’t know why he gets so excited about it. To me it’s like being in graphic arts class in the mid 90’s. He must like it because he’s used to being on the road and it gets him familiar with the computer.

10/17/15, 9:10 p.m.

I wish I was doing more of my painting, but I’m enjoying chilling instead (in my mess). I guess I’ll just pretend I’m at Andy Warhol’s Factory. I enjoy hanging out with Rich. I wish he would do more art and maybe I would be inspired. He actually inspired me in the first place. I guess I’m going to stay with him forever and I thought I was going to stay with him forever until Johnny April entered the picture, but he’s gone and I don’t feel guilty about what happened. He’s a player and maybe something bad will happen to him like some of the other men that rejected me. I don’t know how a player can be successful or how he become

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12. Judging your early artistic efforts is artist abuse. (p. 29)

successful in the first place. Then I look at Rich. What does he have to offer. He’s just like a teddy bear for security I didn’t realize I would get migranes and a mental illness. Now Rich can’t have sex and it would be the perfect opportunity to have sex all the time, but at least I don’t have to worry about becoming pregnant and responsibility. I was even getting bored having sex with Johnny, but it was because he was rushing me and not as romantic as before. I really can’t see myself besides anyone else, but Rich, especially since he has put his bad habits aside. I enjoy acting childish with him and can never grow up, because of my condition and since I’m an artist, which is why I feel uncomfortable being around old friends. It’s sad that Rich is my only friend, but everyone else thinks things have to be done their way because they are so caught up in society’s rules. To me that is like being in a movie. I used to be that way and see things much differently now. I used to think I had to live up to expectations and everyone was looking at me or cared when they didn’t. I had a smile on my face, but felt empty inside. I’m not going to be fooled by that anymore I would mimic them. I feel content now. I am going to be a little more searching about what makes me happy, since I am stoned faced from being so content with no responsibility and being with my best friend. I got scared knowing that my life with be like this for the rest of my life. Maybe a wedding ring would livin it up a little, because everything seems so expected. Maybe it’s because Rich takes advantage of me and I feel like I’m in a cage. I need to constantly fantasize that I will have flings or something out of the ordinary will happen in my life to make my life happy, since I’m so grounded. The fact is I really want everything to remain the same and I think I create these fantasys, so it does. I think if I had another fling with Johnny I would feel really guilty, since there has been such a big gap with so many other women and Rich and I have been getting along. I really should appreciate what

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13. Most of the time when we are blocked in an area of our life, it is because we feel safer that way. (p. 30)

Negative beliefs are exactly that: beliefs, not facts. Artists need not be drunk, crazy, broke, alone––or any of a number of our culture’s negative beliefs about them. (p. 31)

I have. I don’t like noise. I don’t like to be popular. I don’t like technology. I think people think they are better than me and it’s interfering with my creativity. My goal is to extinguish those people.

10/18/15, 1:55 p.m.

Getting so sick of Rich. I know I keep on switching my feelings back and forth, but I’m getting sick of being used and if I keep on getting sick of it, it’s not meant to be. I really never liked his type and on top of it he’s making no money which was the only reason why I liked him. Everyone else’s lives are going on without me and I feel like I’m in poverty. I’m sick of borrowing off of my mother, which he doesn’t appreciate and he treats me like a slave. I would have more self confidence in myself if he had money, but it seems like he doesn’t want me to. I’m kind of stuck with my condition. He adds up all the money he spends, but ignores all the bills I pay. I have to get out of this relationship, but I’m afraid of the consequences like he threw a boot at me today, because I’m complaining about not having any money and all the while he has some in his pocket. I’m just afraid that when I’m alone and I have money I’ll be bored. I also hate making an impression on people, but I guess it will all fall together. I went with Rich to fall into the same group as my friends, but I guess the high school days are over. I’m just afraid that all the good men are already taken or have a disease It can’t get worse than Rich, since he can’t have sex and won’t go to the doctor. If he can have sex he won’t have it with me and if he does it’s pathetic. Rich

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14. It is possible, quite possible, to be both an artist and romantically fulfilled. It is quite possible to be an artist and financially successful. (p. 33)

seems to hate money so if/when he gets his inheritance he will spend it foolishly like how he used to gamble it away or give it to the stripers or be so stingy with it so I’ll never see it so it’s not worth waiting around. I’m sure I can mimic how people act from videos on the computer and read about how to make friends, since I am rusty and I’m not influenced by anyone since no one’s around. I consider it the same thing. That’s why I’m not really worried about making friends. There’s always Facebook. It’s not like the early 90’s when there wasn’t any internet. Rich is lost in a time warp. If I knew half the things about him when I met him I wouldn’t have stayed with him. I think I am much healthier now and he’s dragging me down. I don’t know if I could have a child. I guess with the right guy I could. I always (getting pregnant since men can’t) wanted to experience it and Rich is taking that away from me. My mother has always persuaded me not to do it, as well as marriage though I was always facinated by her old photographs. My old psychologist said people with mental issues shouldn’t have children, so I’m worried I’ll be a bad mother and end up in jail. I don’t read the news anymore, because of the negativity. I’ve been trying to get the courage to point, but I’ve been busy with errands, so it makes the canvas look just like a canvas and I can’t do it. I think I’m ready to do it today I was going to do the morning pages this morning, but I make mistakes in the morning, still my mind is still shut off. I went back to bed and had a sexual dream about long tan tits with long nipples that rotated slowly like a wheel and I could control it. I was about to cum, but I woke up and I knew it was time to go in the other room and watch a video to masterbate though it was cold, but my boyfriend got up first. I don’t know where I put my dildo and feel lost without it. I have to remain in this situation until my art degree is paid off which is another year or so. I don’t think I would have

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15. Affirmations help achieve a sense of safety and hope: I am a channel for God’s creativity, and my work comes to good. (p. 36).

the motivation or courage to pack my things and move somewhere else. I guess that’s why I have those fantasies in my mind. Maybe I do want something else seriously. It just seems like it never works out for me, but it does for everyone else like they have a formula. I think my brother was right that my parents never taught us important things or maybe I just didn’t think enough about them like he did. I just looked at my parents from a religious perspective. Maybe if I rebelled against religion I would be successful.

10/19/15, 12:00 p.m.

I really don’t want to be with Rich anymore. It gets worse and worse. I think I’m deliberately pushing him away with those feeling I get of dreadfully thinking is this going to last forever? I thought we were going to get married and start a family right away and if not, whats the sense? I feel like someone is preventing me from doing so like I have enemies. I believe other people are responsible for others success, not just a higher power. I wish Tiffany and Lexine would look up to me like they do to Mark Regans. I don’t know why they stopped looking up to me and I feel like a black man. I think my friends want me to feel that way. I don’t feel feminine at all and I think Mark gets a thrill that he’s more popular than than the white girl who was popular in school and is no longer popular among her friends I thought we would be friends forever and I always looked up to them. I was very close to Mark’s close friend Jay until he called me fat and I believe he thinks I am prejudice. Maybe I slightly was since I grew up in a poor neighborhood and automatically associated black people with being obnoxious and poor, but I never gave him the impression I was never educated enough or surrounded by enough. You would think by going with a Puerto Rican people would understand

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16. My dreams come from God and God has the power to accomplish them. (p. 36)

that you’re not prejudice. The people that associate with Mark did like Pedro. It all seems so silly now, but there still is prejudice in the world. I don’t understand why Mark hangs around with so many white people. It makes me feel like he’s ashamed of his heritage. I would feel uncomfortable around a bunch of black people just because they are so dark. Being in an interracial relationship would be too emotional and I would become too attached. I know, because I’ve been in one. I kind of wish I gave it my all in my first relationship, because I felt guilty that I had the first boyfriend, and had it so good. I rebelled and became independent with music and my style where my boyfriend became very jealous. I guess I was trying to be Italian like Lexine. I should have been thinking about the future, yet I didn’t want his ex-girlfriend to be lingering over our heads. Tiffany would complain how I was always out with him and now attend any parties. I would have to sneak out and go to parties, which actually ended up being boring. I was never really a drinker. Tiffany said I was bisexual after my boyfriend and I broke up, so maybe that’s why she keeps her distance. I can’t bear to go over there seeing their teamwork knowing they’re going to have sex. The problem is I would like to have sex all the time and experiment, but I read that if a man loves you, you don’t need to have sex so I’m at a dead and I went back to school for Art for my sensuality. Rich is across the street at Johns giving him a price. I wonder if he’s the one who’s making him angry. I seemed to be very angry before he was, but I kept it to myself. There’s a reason why someone gets mad all of a sudden. You don’t just throw everything away like that. We have no money so that I can even drive to the gym. There are plenty of condos for sale that I used to live in, cheap. Basically the whole complex, but I really don’t want to resort to that. It’s a shame Rich can’t help around the house. He’ll regret how good he has it here. He’s being unrealistic. I can’t live this lifestyle anymore. He tells

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17. My creativity heals myself and others. (p. 36)

me how much he hate me, how me wishes I were dead, my family were dead, he spits on me, and throws things at me. He associates with his friends and uses all my things like I’m not here, unappreciative. He cooked for me yesterday, but calls me fat afterwards.

10/20/15, 12:00 p.m.

I think it’s love which causes motivation to clean. I used to be so excited before and I think I changed because of the possessive way my first boyfriend treated me as well as being sexually active. I was attracted to Lexine’s strict, loving, full, religious, intelligent, loud, active family and that was taken away from me. Instead I was given a small, dysfunctional one and my boyfriend wanted to start another one right away to replace his. He wanted to steal my family away from me. When he couldn’t he beat me and took away my soul. Then I went with a Puerto Rican who was similar to being with an Italian, but better because he was creative and associated with alot of white people. I thought this would bring my soul back, but I was used to my Italian friend who was the only one I basically hung around with and I became molded when she said her family was so strict and she couldn’t do anything I became intimidated by the different people and the death metal. I went into a state of depression after we broke up because he girlfriend was a witch though she seemed innocent, he was a musician which was my dream, and we indulged in sex almost every day where I didn’t have any difficulty experiencing pleasure in just a t-shirt in his bedroom in his parent’s basement. That kind of poverty living in a bad section of Springfield like I did as a child turned me on and I think that’s why I don’t clean. I didn’t even want to help him clean his new apartment otherwise we might still be together today. That clean, arrogant, rich side of Johnny April is the reason why I never looked at him in Staind. I don’t feel any love toward Rich for treating me the way

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18. There is a divine plan of goodness for my work. (p. 37)

he does. My family is so depressed and critical. I don’t feel any love from them. I would love to make friends, but I am ashamed of my family and myself. I might become attracted to my friends. I think that’s why I was able to clean before. It was a way of rebelling against men and feeling powerful. I didn’t have to wait around for them or wonder if they were going to like me. I think my exboyfriend’s wife is ideal probably because she was a stripper and went with alot of women, so she can figure men out. I feel so structured, but I’m able to use that to do art. Stop and go like when I draw and erase. I don’t feel like there’s alot going on like I’m in a movie like everyone else’s live’s and I suppose I would get bored. I look at people on Facebook and I can feel their energy like I used to have. My mom says everything’s difficult and people are unhappy I know that’s not true. I feel like she supports other people and maybe isn’t proud of me or just does it on spite, because she’s not a good mother, since she did to much partying. She uses the excuse of not having money as being depressed before and relatives dying as being depressed now. She said she doesn’t go to church, because her spirituality is within her but now it’s as if she doesn’t believe in God. That’s the last straw. I always wanted to go to church in the first place and should have gotten married and had children at an early age. I feel like I’m just taking the easy way out and not living. It was always everyone elses parents and my friends who made me happy. I never felt like I could talk to her. Now it’s worse. I feel like she’s doing it on purpose because she’s retired. I can’t see the gray area and it’s making me frustrated with everyone else living their lives. I’m not outgoing, assertive, aggressive enough. It just makes me want to shoot someone. Was that good enough? I think the worst is everyone around me having sex. One gray area that would be difficult to do would be moving out and getting rid of Rich. With how bad he treated me he asked for a kiss yet he calls me bipolar. There are all these people who remind me of how my mom used to be like my exboyfriends wife, Lexine, who are healthy, outgoing, and creative and it’s like my mom’s just sitting back and allowing it to happen. It’s

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19. I am willing to let God create through me. (p. 37)

like my exboyfriends are picking women like my mom. They all have brown hair. Man like women who have brown hair better. I dyed my hair black. Yet I can constantly hear my friends swear at me like they’re unhappy. I think I am more intelligent like a hermit in the woods. They’ve just always been greedy. I’m used to having nothing. How long can you act like you’re in a movie until the movie’s over? Like when people who have been married so long and become divorced. They’re putting on a show for other people like all the people that post on Facebook. I won’t be fooled. Pedro probably doesn’t even have as much sex and just treats Trina like a little dumb house wife. I don’t know how anyone can get things done when they’re on Facebook, have friends, have kids, working, travel, but I guess when you have that love it gives you the drive. Like I said I just sit here without working and get nothing done. I don’t think I would be able to paint if I had stimulation and I get alot of gratification. I never did it before. I basically went back to school to fill a void because of Rich. Maybe I’m just wasting my time with painting, because last night I had a dream about a pink 50’s clock. I think people from the 50’s might have been dancing in the background. A clock means I’m wasting my time yet pink means success. My paintings are women from the 50’s. The other night I drew for hours without noticing the time and could go on forever. I know that when usually people paint their houses are clean, they have friends, and maybe do it faster, but I feel comfortable doing it. I don’t care that life is going on without me. When I’m drawing/painting I’m at a standstill, very happy and content. I was happy to hear that my Godmother said that she thinks my paintings belong in an art exhibit I don’t let it go to my head because I didn’t get many likes. I would have never have been able to paint without Rich. I think my friends are mad that I’m with him, because maybe I forget about them, since they are domineering, I was glad Rich and

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20. It is important to remember that at first flush, going sane feels exactly like going crazy. (p. 41)

I got back together. I think my mom’s depressed, because she allowed others to drain the life out of her to be happy while ignoring me. That’s why I think why I refuse to be happy and just chose to paint. Meanwhile she’s paying for listening and falling for everyones sob story which is probably a bunch of lies just to get the best of her and ruin our relationship, since we used to be close.

10/21/15, 9:20 p.m.

It’s so frustrating, because I feel like Johnny April is with me and I call out to him, but he doesn’t communicate affectionately like he did before. He said don’t get my hopes up. He obviously does this to all women. He said I was too nice. I thought maybe I wasn’t outgoing and popular enough for him and he finally suspected that. He said there were others anyway so I acted detached, but I never thought it would end in anger and silence. I astrology it says Aries never goes back so I’ll compare John to that and my first boyfriend. Rich also has some Aries in him so I get scared sometimes and though he’s not like my first boyfriend I might compare him to him. I think it’s funny how in high school Rich used to go out with the Army recruiters for a free lunch and Paul joined the Army. He blames that for his abuse. I think John has a cold Capricorn in him too. I don’t know if he’ll ever get married especially if he can’t hold onto a girlfriend. I won’t take it personally and won’t drop Rich. I can use my hand like he said he does all the time though he has probably changed so much. When someone blows you off that long like my friends maybe because they’re insecure and think they’re better than you, you don’t even want to be around them. I still consider my close friends from high school my friends in spirit and really have no desire to meet anyone else. I’ve already been on a rollercoaster and it would be too much. They already put me on a rollercoaster. I guess I have unfinished business with them or there are secrets.

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21. As we gain strength, so will some of the attacks of self-doubt. This is normal, and we can deal with these stronger attacks when we see them as symptoms of recovery. (p. 41)

I just feel comfortable with them being there like a side salad with Rich being the main course. He is a member of my class. Maybe they drink alot or wear a smile on their face, but are deeply depressed. I know they want me to be like them and think that their way is right, but I refuse. I don’t want to move forward, yet I’m not confirming to their ways like I did in the past. They have more responsibility and instead of treating me like a child they have their own. Maybe their husbands are domineering them. I just feel like there’s no essence there and now is my time to relive the past, my way. I don’t know if they think about me or not, but I sense some hostility. Not driving much, not working, and writing again gives me that sense of solace I felt when I lived at home. Then I felt organized, self confident, and creative like I could accomplish something. It’s like having a diary again or writing songs to sing like my old self again. I think that inner spirit needs to build up and you need to be alone to collect your thoughts. I think I became more social popular, and smarter in Junior High when I got rejected by men. I’ve realized I’m attracted to simple, unmaterialistic, organized men. I could hear Johnny telling me to organize/throw out my books this morning and I wanted him to continue to tell me to organize other things since it turned me on. I was ready to masterbate, but was organized in my head and did other things on the computer like reading. This is what it what like when I associated with him before I would go on the computer thinking I was going to do something like masterbate and not do it since I was more stimulated in my mind and forget about it. I also sensed someone knew I was about to masterbate, so I lost my excitement. When I was younger I thought someone was looking at me

Week Two:

Recovering a

Sense of Identity

One of the first fruits of morning pages is a clearer sense of personal identity. You are starting to look with clearer eyes at how you see yourself and how you see the world around you. You may feel a sense of wonder as your true self is slowly revealed. Skepticism may be starting to give way to curiosity. Who exactly are you? As your identity gets clearer, you will find your relationships shifting. You may be starting to know and speak your mind, which makes you less easy to take advantage of, more capable of saying no. Your more poisonous playmates will not appreciate this shift in your self-worth.

Many creative people surround themselves with crazymakers, those who discount their realities, abuse their schedules, expect special treatment, break their agreements, and generally, create chaos, which siphons off creative energy. As you recover your identity these crazymakers may feel threatened. You’re getting selfish, they may tell you.

In the very best sense, they are right. Your self is beginning to be more visible, less embedded in the expectations of others. This can be threatening, not only to others but to you as well. Treat yourself carefully. Remember that treating yourself like a precious object will make you strong.

It may take strength to execute your pages this week––strength in the face of your crazymakers, strength in the face of your own possible temptation to return to the person who was blocked. Better safe than sorry, part of you may say.

I remind you: you were both safe and sorry. That is the identity you are in the process of shedding. Now that you are no longer who you were but not yet who you are becoming, you may find yourself feeling awkward, like a hatchling. Hatchlings are awkward, but they are also becoming free.

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22. Remember, the morning pages are private and are not intended for the scrutiny of well-meaning friends. (p. 42)

all the time and I would be self-conscious. I think that’s what gave me the motivation to clean. Then I thought, wait, no one’s looking at me and I began to do things in the car I wouldn’t normally do like pick my nose. I think I finally realized that my friends are married and I don’t have a boyfriend, but that’s the way I wanted it. I didn’t want to rely on anyone and wanted to face reality, since I’m a curious creative person who’s real. It would be bound to happen sooner or later and it would end in divorce. Creative people are sexual, but like to break the rules. I think by acting this way it make you see through a person too. I’m not depressed. Eventually, it’s going to haunt the fake people and that’s why I sarcastically paint fake women. I like skinny men too. I think it goes with the organized