A Single Bracelet Does Not Jingle: Finding Your Ideal Love Partner, Making Love Last and Ending Unhealthy Relationships; a Multi-Racial Examination of Love Relationships

By Ayo Maria Casey Gooden Ph.D.

A Single Bracelet Does Not Jingle: Finding Your Ideal Love Partner, Making Love Last and Ending Unhealthy Relationships; A Multi-Racial Examination of Love Relationships is a psychological examination of issues that impact your ability to find your ideal love partner and to maintain healthy love relationships. The impact of race, ethnicity, economics, trauma, racism, and other issues on love relationships is explored. Strategies to heal from unhealthy relationships and to enhance communication skills are provided.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Jun 22, 2018
• ISBN: 9781490789552

Ayo Maria Casey Gooden Ph.D.

Ayo Maria Casey Gooden, Ph.D. is a Board Certified African Centered/Black Psychologist with a full-time, private practice in West Chester, PA. She is the Founder/CEO of Ma’at Institute. She specializes in countering racism, multi-cultural/bi-racial issues and works with all ethnic groups to build healthy Black and other Melanic (People of Color) communities. Dr. Ayo is the first in her family to earn a college degree. In 2008, she was honored as one of 33 Blacks to ever earn a Ph.D. since 1819 in psychology, from the University of Cincinnati, Ohio. She earned her MA and Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is a former university professor and administrator. She is a host on WCHE 1520AM radio talk show, Don’t Get It Twisted. She is the Past President of the Delaware Valley Association of Black Psychologists and the Co-Founder/First President of the Kentuckiana Chapter of Black Psychologists.

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Copyright 2018 Ayo Maria Casey Gooden, Ph.D.

The watermark (two roses) for this book was drawn by artist, Mr. Nicardo E. Casey

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

ISBN: 978-1-4907-8953-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4907-8952-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4907-8955-2 (e)

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CONTENTS

Acknowledgement

Introduction

Chapter 1    Know Thy S.E.L.F.

Planned Birth

Unplanned Birth

Socioeconomic Status

Sufficient Money

Insufficient Money

Religious/Spiritual Beliefs

School

Income and Grades

High Income

Low Income

Defense Mechanisms

Ethnicity and Grades

Society

Chapter 2    Seek

Wanted

Do Not Apply

Reward

Growth Items

Seeking Who Is Right for You

Depression

Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity

Trauma

Abuse.

Shame.

Revenge.

Helplessness.

Hopelessness.

Codependency.

Melanic Survivor’s Identity Syndrome

Melanic Identity Rape

Anxiety

Anger

Low Self-Esteem and Narcissism

Antisocial

Pathological Sexual Preferences

Physical Preferences

Standard of Beauty

Culturally Different Love Partner

Same-Sex Love Partner

Age Issues

Love Partners on the Side

Power in Love Relationships

Value of Women

Impact of Gender Issues on Love Partners

Roles

Celibacy

When to Have Sex with a Love Partner

Sexual Intimacy versus Sexual Abuse

Cultural Issues Impacting Relationships

Setting Your Agenda From The Start

Women Approaching Men

Getting a Number

Seeking a Love Partner

Singles Groups

Friends, Allies, Acquaintances, Or Enemies

Screening Out the Wrong Love Partners

Chapter 3    Evaluate

S.E.L.F.-Awareness Questionnaire (SAQ)

Section A

Section B

Section C

Section D

Section E

African/Black Centered

Asian Centered

Caucasian Centered

Latino/Hispanic Centered

Native American/First Nation or Indigenous Centered

Child-Rearing

Family/Friend Relationships

Personal Data

Politics

Relationships

Religion/Spirituality

Self-Esteem

Section F

Childhood Experiences

Drug Use

Family Background

Health Issues

Previous Relationships

Sexual Attitudes

Feedback

Perfect Spiritual Health

Sahu

Ab

Ausar

Nutritional Healing

Perfect Mental Health

Logic and Language

Black Accomplishments

Native American/First Nation Accomplishments

Values

Rites of Passage (ROP)

Manhood and Womanhood

Criteria for Adulthood

Commitment

Compassion

Cooperation

Courage

Courtesy

Dependability

Discipline

Equanimity

Ethics

Forgiveness

Freedom

Good Will

Honesty

Honor

Humor

Individuality

Integrity

Interdependence

Loyalty

Open-mindedness

Patience

Perseverance

Productiveness

Purpose

Rationality

Reason

Resolve

Respect

Responsibility

Self-esteem

Spirituality

Vision

Wisdom

Games People Play

Games Males Play On Females

Game 1: Mr. Perfect

Purpose of the Game

Avoiding Mr. Perfect

Countering Mr. Perfect

Game 2: The Duke Or The Thug

Purpose of the Game

Avoiding the Duke or Thugs

Countering the Duke or Thugs

Game 3: 007

Purpose of the Game

Avoiding 007

Countering Countering 007 007

Game 1: Gold Digger

Purpose of the Game

Avoiding Gold Diggers

Countering Gold Diggers

Game 2: "What Have

You Done for Me Lately?"

Purpose of the Game

Avoiding What Have You Done for Me Lately?

Countering What Have You Done for Me Lately?

Game 3: I Am Pregnant

Purpose of the Game

Avoiding I Am Pregnant

Countering I Am Pregnant

Summary of Games

Purpose of Sexual Relationship

Telling the Truth

Questions to Consider When Dating

Private Investigator

Celibacy And The SAQ

Chapter 4    Love

What Love Is Not

Complementary Relationship between Men and Women

Reciprocity And Sacrificing

Love Gestures

Love—Or Is It Infatuation?

Love As A Medicine

Time To Make Love

Love and Homosexuality

Loving

Multiple Love Partners

Common Interests

Common Values

Inspiration

Honesty

Open-Mindedness

Respect

Loyalty

Service

Maintaining Love or Keeping the Music Playing

Chapter 5    Freedom

Disagreements versus Arguments versus Physical Violence

Why Do You Argue?

Jealousy

Financial Problems

Painful Relationship

Impact on Children

Assessing Whether to Stay or Go

Staying

Advantages

Disadvantages

Leaving

Advantages

Disadvantages

Words of Change

What Your Children Learn

Forgiveness

Restoring the Love

Finding Your Ideal Love Partner

Epilogue

References

Appendix 6    Melanic Definitions

Appendix 7    Racial Healing Resources

Appendix 8    Health Movies

Appendix 9   Decision-Making Sheet

Appendix 10    Couple Activities

Appendix 11    Communication Strategies Rating Sheet

Appendix 12    Afrikan Affirmations

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Family – First, let me thank my first real love-my handsome, brilliant and kind husband, Dr. Warren Gooden, who has been supportive and patient during this book revision journey. I met him at Lincoln University and after many twists and turns have learned that Life is good with him by my side. My oldest son, Amon who has always brought me joy and my beautiful daughter-in-law, Tiffany Moore Gooden. They met and married each other at Lincoln University in Pennsylvania (a great place to meet your life-long, love partner) and now they are loving parents of their new son, my grandson, Anu Taji Gooden. My youngest son, who is a great father, Brandon and his love partner, Hali Brownback who is a great mother to our sweet and brilliant granddaughters, Inana Rose and Indigo Nzinga Gooden. My parents, Ancestors Mr. Lorenzo Casey Sr. and Marilee Jones Casey gave me love and support. They taught me how to love. They also taught me that marriage has ups and downs but that you can empower yourself for success. My handsome father danced me around as I stood on his feet. He helped me obtain my first job with the City of Lorain and encouraged me to enter the Lorain County International Festival where I won 2nd Runner-Up, as the International Princess as an entry representing the NAACP. I was the first Black to ever place! My father was a brilliant business man and I am striving to follow in his footsteps. My mother was brilliant, beautiful, and an excellent cook, and the sharpest dresser. She and my beautiful Aunt Ella Hunt-I love you (husband John Hunt) always looked like fashion models. My oldest brother, Ancestor Morris Downs, Jr., is not physically here to see this accomplishment, but his spiritual energy is here. This revision was completed on the date of his transition, May 13. His children and my handsome nephews, Derick Gathright and Morris Gathright are retired military men. My oldest sister, Joan Cox was my role model. I have always admired her beauty, brilliance and courage. Lorenzo Casey Jr. my musical older brother who plays organ, drums and guitar and his love partner Lynda Casey. My baby sister, Carmelita Pierce and her husband Anthony Pierce. My nephews: Nicardo Casey, Anthony (TJ) Pierce, Jr., Herman Bigbee, Jr., Jwan Jones, William Cox, Jr., Brandon Horton, Brandon House, Devon and Blake Casey, Emiliano Casey del Rubio, nieces and great nieces: Stephanie Fitzpatrick (her husband Garret Fitzpatrick), Alexis and Aliyah Fitzpatrick, Carmelita Casey, Emmanuelle Casey del Rubio, Symone Casey, Mulea Wambua. My Auntie Flo (Florence) Johnson. Diane Gooden, Gloria Murry, Lynette Walker, Georgette Jackson, Karma Forney, Terry Forney, Jane Cole, Rose Gooden, Sharon Kelly. Lawrence Gooden, my brother-in-law who was a war veteran and made his transition many years ago but is never forgotten. My cousins. My favorite cousin, Dereck Randall Jackson, whose life was taken when he was only 15. He would have been a change agent. He walks by my side. My successes are his successes.

Friends: Juanita Lewis-Coston, Deborah Guns-Wimberly, Dr. Martha Dorsey, Gwendolyn Atkinson Miller, Naima McNair-Bey, James Bennett, Ancestor R. Shashu Tucker, Mrs. Linda Brown-Williams, Dr. Malcolm Riley, III, Fred Smith, Dr. William Scott, Ancestor Dr. Willie Williams, III, Dr. Elbert Saddler (supervised me so that I could be licensed in Pennsylvania), Dr. Constance McKelvy, Attorney Carol Herring (the most beautiful, brilliant, and courageous, warrior attorney I have ever had the honor to meet), Gary Berry and wife, Karen Berry, Esq, Ricky Moore, Sandra Taylor Ali, Lynda Holloway, William Harris, Henry Holden, Dr. Angella Egwaikhide, Dr. Caren Thompson, Edwina McLaughlin, Rachel and David Manson, Dr. Sharon and Djibo Sobukwe-Hyman, Lee J and Netfa Harold, Dr. Barbara DeBaptiste, Malikah Faquir, Fredda Maddox, Esq., Dr. Thomas Khalfani Scott and his wife, Dr. Fannette Scott, Dr. Iona Black, Dr. Belinda Madison (shared her office space so that I could start my first solo private practice), Dr. Donald Ford, Dr. Mawiyah Kambon, Nataki Kambon (www.letsbuyblack365.com), Dr. Doreen Loury.

Hosts on Don’t Get It Twisted, WCHE 1520 AM and www.101.net: Mr. Everett Tija Butcher, Sharon Butcher, Calysha Butcher (The Butchers are my cousins), Adrian Seltzer, Ty Gray-El, April Riddick, John Kane, Dr. Shay Bey, Attorney Carlton Mayers, II.

Lorain High School -Mr. Amos, the Assistant Principal, taught Black History and opened a door that has led me to becoming an African Centered/Black Psychologist. Thank you, Mr. Amos! I know you are watching and smiling.

Lincoln University, PA, President Dr. Brenda Allen, Dr. Kevin Favor, Dr. Lennell Dade, Dr. Penelope Kinsey, Dr. Henry Cornwell, Dr. Alfred Farrell, Dr. Benson Prigg, Dr. Abdulalim Shabazz, Dr. Lennetta Lee, Nancy Kenner, Elaine Bell, Dr. Safro Kwame, Connie Lundy, Dr. Catherine Jackson, Kathy Hamilton, Dr. Harold Rodgers, Dr. Judith Thomas, Dr. Richard Winchester, Dr. William Bynum, Dr. Patricia Joseph, Seitu Stephens, Alan Box, Dr. Marilyn Button, Evelyn Davis Poe, Dr. Daryl Zizwe Poe, Dr. Emmanuel and Mrs. Babatunde.

Cheyney University, PA, Kashmira Narinesingh-Smith (husband, Dr. Greg Smith), Dr. Vanessa Brantley, Regina Coleman, Dr. Ayodele and Tina Aina, Dr. Adedoyin Adeyiga

Dunbar Community Mental Health, Dr. Reginald Banks and wife Ms. Yolanda Banks, Myriam Rosefort and Nequetta Alford.

Empowerment Resource Associates, Judy Henderson and staff.

Thank you to the members of the Association of Black Psychologists, every conference is a family reunion and a healing space to learn: Ancestor Dr. Willie Williams, Ancestor Dr. Paris Finner-Williams, Ancestor Dr. Bobby Wright, Ancestor Dr. Amos Wilson, Ancestor Dr. Asa Hilliard, Dr. Mawiyah Kambon, Dr. Robert L. Williams, Dr. Thomas Parham (who helped me with my dissertation), Dr. Kenneth Ghee (served on my dissertation committee), Dr. Kathy Burlew. Delaware Valley Association of Black Psychologists: Dr. Janis Willis-Hoffman, Dr. Faruq Iman, Dr. J Otis Smith, Dr. Jay Clifford, Dr. Thomas Gordon, Dr. Yuma Tomes, Dr. Dan Collins, Ancestor Theresa Randall. The Association for the Study of Classical African Civilizations my other source of African-Centered information. Dr. Moriba Kelsey, Billie-James Thomas, Dr. David Imhotep, Dr. Mario Beatty, Baba Ron McCoy.

Adilifu Sanyika who recommended that I write this book for a class I was teaching at the University of Louisville back in 1995. That was the beginning. All of my former students and clients. I have learned a great deal from the courageous individuals who opened their wounds and dared to heal. Thank you/Asante Sana.

Please forgive me if I did not name you in this book. I stand on the shoulders of so many people, that I may miss some. Let me know if I failed to thank you. I will put you in my next book!

Thanks to the Ancestors who guide and watch over me and The Creator.

INTRODUCTION

The title of this book, A Single Bracelet Does Not Jingle, is an African proverb that suggests that to have a healthy relationship, you must have two healthy individuals. One healthy person with an unhealthy love partner will not be able to keep the music playing, as singer James Ingram expresses so effectively in his song. It takes two to make a happy relationship that lasts. You may be perfectly happy as an individual, but alone, you do not make music until you find your love partner. I created the term love partner to describe the type of healthy relationship between two individuals who love each other and who are working toward common goals as partners. You must engage in partnering—working with a partner to reach common goals. Partnering implies a higher level of goal setting in relationships. While you must have a love partner to perpetuate the species, you must also form love partnerships to create and to perpetuate healthy societies. The African proverb A single bracelet does not jingle implies that when two healthy people select each other, they make harmonious music together.

It only takes one person to ruin a relationship. It became clear to me that most people learn about relationships in the privacy of their homes. If the lessons are good and nurturing, then the results are positive contributions to society. If the examples learned at home are destructive, the results are the creation of personalities that bring chaos to the world. Reading A Single Bracelet Does Not Jingle is one way of contributing information to help individuals heal and/or find healthy love partners. It should be noted that this book is only one of many steps needed to begin the healing. I realize that other issues must be addressed, such as economic health, cultural/ethnic health, academic health, and many other issues which I address in other presentations and workshops in my system of building powerful communities.

I originally wrote A Single Bracelet Does Not Jingle for a class I was teaching at the University of Louisville back in 1995. The class was African American Male–Female Relationships. As a Board-Certified African-Centered/Black Psychologist, I am aware of the importance race, ethnicity, culture, religion, and sexuality have on who you are as a person. Blacks, Indigenous People/First Nation People/Native Americans, Latinos/Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Caucasians/Whites all have unique experiences that make them unlike other ethnic/cultural groups, and yet we all share the same basic needs, many similarities, and the same origin—Africa/Alkebulan. I use the word Melanics, a term I created in the 1980s, to more accurately refer to people of color who are not minorities. Melanics—Blacks, Native Americans/Indigenous People/First Nation People, Latinos/Hispanics, Asians, Alaskan natives, and Pacific Islanders (see Appendix A)—are the majority. The term Melanic is derived from the word melanin, the substance that gives everyone life. The more melanin you possess, the darker your skin. Melanin is life sustaining and appears to be highly correlated with spirituality and other abilities (Barnes, 1988; King, 2001). A Single Bracelet Does Not Jingle is designed to help all ethnic/cultural groups heal and grow into love.

My current version of A Single Bracelet Does Not Jingle has been expanded to address how love relationships among and between various racial/ethnic groups are impacted by intersectionality. No single factor explains why finding and loving your ideal love partner is so challenging. Racism, privilege, power, oppression, spirituality, religion, ethnicity, culture, economics, education, politics, physical health, age, children, families, media, and mental health are intricate factors in love relationships. Love is a universal experience, but most people—regardless of their training, education, or racial or ethnic background—are not taught how to find and maintain healthy love relationships. In my private practice, I work with different racial/ethnic groups and different sexual orientations. Because of the effects of worldwide institutionalized racism and sexism, finding the perfect love partner demands culturally specific strategies for different racial/ethnic groups. Your ability to have a healthy love relationship is linked to your ability to know yourself in ways that you may not be aware you need to know yourself.

A Single Bracelet Does Not Jingle will address, from a racially specific African/Black-centered perspective, issues related to finding, maintaining, and ending relationships. As a Black heterosexual woman, my orientation has shaped the choices included in this book. It is my intent to help all people regardless of race/ethnicity/culture, gender, sexual orientation, age, socioeconomic group, or other demographic characteristics. I invite people from different racial/ethnic/cultural backgrounds to contact me and share their perspectives. There will be information in this book that may not relate to you, depending upon your racial group, but you will gain access to information about other racial groups that will allow you to have a better understanding of others and your own culture. Some information may be disconcerting for you. Some information may be enlightening for you. I invite people from different racial/ethnic/cultural backgrounds to contact me and share their perspectives (www.maatinstitute.org). I look forward to hearing your comments (www.maatinstitute.org or [e-mail]).

CHAPTER 1

Know Thy S.E.L.F.

The ancient Blacks of Kemet/Kmt, more commonly known as Egypt, indicated that the highest level of knowing is to know thy self. Before you can have a healthy relationship with others, you must first have a healthy relationship with yourself. You must know who you are. I use S.E.L.F. as an acronym for the other areas that are important in relationships—how to seek, evaluate, love, and, when necessary, gain freedom from unhealthy relationships. Each of these will be described in the following chapters.

In this chapter, Know Thy S.E.L.F., you will learn how the knowledge of self is essential to finding an ideal partner, maintaining a healthy love relationship, and knowing when it is appropriate to end an unhealthy love relationship that is not working for you. The ancient Kemets/Kmts, more commonly known as Egyptians, were Black people who based their accomplishments on focusing on self-awareness and what an individual could accomplish with the combined efforts of kindred spirits or people with similar abilities, beliefs, and common goals. It is the Kemetic wisdom saying Know thy self that provides you with a strong foundation for your life and your ability to find your perfect love partner. All people have issues of some sort, and the issues have different levels of severity. Who you are today began to be shaped before you were born. Whether you were a planned or unplanned pregnancy may have contributed to your sense of self and how you see the world. Nevertheless, no single factor or combination of factors guarantees the development of a healthy individual. Likewise, no single factor or combination of factors will consistently produce unhealthy individuals. There are exceptions to every rule. Your childhood experiences are a major determinant of who you are as a person.

Planned Birth

If your conception was planned, it is more likely that your parents (or parent) were eager to bring you into the world and prenatal care was good. Your mother ate properly, she did not smoke or drink alcohol, and she and your father had a positive attitude toward each other and your pending birth. Your room may have been decorated before your birth because your birth was a cause for celebration. Your parents loved each other, and they eagerly awaited their newborn child. A child brought up in a loving and nurturing home finds loving herself to be as easy as breathing. You value yourself because you were taught that you were valuable. When your parents demonstrated their love for each other and for you, you learned how to return their love. Your warm and loving interactions became a natural way of interacting with others. If you have been raised in a loving and supportive home environment, you are more likely to believe that other people are like you.

When you have been raised with love, you tend to believe that other people think and feel as you do. Believing that everyone you meet or that people you are attracted to are like you can be a dangerous assumption. Unfortunately, everyone you meet has not