Father Deficit

By COL Brent V. Causey USA (Ret), Steven J. Gerndt MD and Joseph A. Urcavich DPhil

Father Deficit is an honest unpacking of the factors that shape a young mans journey toward maturity. The book capitalizes on real life experience through the depiction of three well-examined personal stories. It describes how the near extinction of generational and tribal mentorship has contributed to a warped picture of masculinity. Men ignore the powerful factors that influence them and this lack of insight prevents them from effectively moving forward. Father Deficit holds men accountable for understanding their identity and purpose, so theyre equipped to develop into the powerful, purposeful and valuable individuals they were created to be.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: May 31, 2018
• ISBN: 9781973628699

COL Brent V. Causey USA (Ret)

COL Brent V. Causey, USA (Ret) Brent served in the United States Army as a Chaplain in both reserves and active duty for 33 years, including 10 deployments in hostile environments. In that time, he worked with families, soldiers and civilians concerning the everyday life struggles, PTSD, suicide, traumatic brain injury and moral injury due to both critical and traumatic incidents. He has been married for over 34 years and has two children. Brent is firmly committed to his faith as a Christian and as a counselor is passionate about helping those who struggle with issues affecting their relationships. Steven J Gerndt, MD: Steve is a committed Christ follower who through a career in Cardiothoracic Surgery has witnessed first hand the reality of the human existence in the context of life and death situations. He has out of necessity been a student of human behavior in the face of tragedy, and vulnerable circumstances that leave suffering people with no alternative but to place their trust in the people around them. Through three decades of marriage and sharing in the raising of three children, he is dedicated to the value of the family unit and the importance of generational mentorship. Joseph A Urcavich, DPhil: Joe has spent his adult life investing in couples and young leaders through the church, business consulting, the U.S. Army and the NFL. Joes professional focus has been on relational leadership theory. He has been married to Arlis for 47 years and they share two children and six grandsons. Faith has been the bedrock of Joes life and work.

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Copyright © 2018 Brent V. Causey, Steven J. Gerndt, and Joseph A. Urcavich.

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THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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ISBN: 978-1-9736-2868-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-2867-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-2869-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018906528

WestBow Press rev. date: 06/05/2018

CONTENTS

Reader’s Note

Introduction

Part I    The Father Deficit Rooted in Genesis

Chapter 1 - Realistic Foundations

Chapter 2 - The Common Story

Chapter 3 - Intentional Design

Chapter 4 - Disruption

Part II    The Father Deficit Revealed

Chapter 5 - Father Deficit 1: Steve

Chapter 6 - Redemption: Rebuilding Trust

Chapter 7 - Guilt

Chapter 8 - Father Deficit 2: Brent

Chapter 9 - Anger: The Monster Within

Chapter 10 - Taming the Beast

Chapter 11 - Father Deficit 3: Joe

Chapter 12 - Pseudo-Intimacy

Part III    The Father Deficit Healed

Chapter 13 - Mission to Maturity

Chapter 14 - Where Are You Going? Fathering the Father Deficit

Chapter 15 - Hidden Influences

Chapter 16 - Mentored to Mentoring

Chapter 17 - Legendary or Legacy Maker

READER’S NOTE

MUCH OF THE CONTENT OF THIS book is the result of the combined thoughts of all three authors. There are several sections, however, that were written by one of the three authors, and this is designated at the beginning of these sections.

INTRODUCTION

MEN ARE HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY THEIR family of origin and the circumstances, whether healthy or deranged, in which they grew up. In their youth, men interpret their world through eyes of immaturity and naïveté. Their reality becomes defined by myths they create in their best effort to sort out truth. More often than not, they badly need the wisdom of a mature and emotionally developed adult male to help them find their way.

It takes a man of great courage to risk himself in the life of an adolescent in such a way that can alter the cycle. It takes a man who is willing to humble himself and earn the trust of the young boy by being honest about his imperfections and ineptitudes. For most adult men, this is unnatural and foreign. So for most young boys, that God-ordained influence is tainted or never occurs, and the cycle of anger, fear, guilt, and shame goes on.

Our desire is to disrupt that cycle by making it known there exists another way. The Genesis story gives us a glimpse of how man’s journey began in relationship to God. Then man fell away and the originally perfect world was shattered. What followed was generations of repeated patterns of behavior characterized by hiding from truth and acting out of fear, shame, and guilt.

Our personal stories illustrate the manner in which these factors can play out in our own lived experience. By making an honest inward appraisal of why we respond the way we do, and by understanding what factors have heavily influenced our development, the pattern can be broken and alignment with what we were intended to become can be restored. Boys can grow into healthy, courageous, kind, devoted, and trustworthy men who seek to discover for what they were made.

(Steve:) My eldest son recently shared with me that as a young boy, he held me in high esteem. In his eyes, I was powerful, admirable, and without flaw. His perspective on his dad made me out to be someone superhuman whom no one could criticize, find fault in, or demean. My son looked at me as a man who made no mistakes and whom he could only hope to be like.

After he entered high school, although we never came to any defining conflict, there existed a distance between our hearts. I loved my son desperately, as I do all my children, yet there was a barrier to intimacy between us that neither of us acknowledged or could identify. In hindsight, he had placed me on such a pedestal that, whenever I became critical of him or tried to correct him, it became counterproductive. My thoughts about him were so important to him that if he sensed any amount of disappointment, it became demoralizing and even destructive. On the one hand, he could not accept that I might be wrong or misguided, because of how he looked at me. And on the other, for him to accept that he was less than what I expected of him was so hurtful, it put limits around his growth and development. It prevented him from fully becoming who he was, because he was so enamored with what his dad represented.

As I look back, I’ve come to realize I was so concerned that he succeed in life, I spent far too little time acknowledging and encouraging and loving who he already was. If I am truly honest, I was more concerned about what other people thought of him because he was my son, as opposed to being interested in helping him find out who he was meant to be. I was loving him so vigorously that I had put him in a cage. The awareness of that truth took my breath away. I can still feel the weight of this impact as I recount the past.

Ironically, it was only after my wife and I sat down with our children and shared with them the reality of our personal failures and described how their parents were flawed and imperfect, in fact sinners, that the barriers between me and my son were lifted. At first, learning about my failures, and in particular how I had let down his mom, left him reeling. Every image he had held of me was shattered; he became confused and angry. It simply did not make sense. The way he had previously defined me was now a lie.

The beautiful, amazing story about all of this is, the pain of these events led to freedom for my son, and he began to come into his own. Learning that his father was human and in fact imperfect gave him the hope he could be okay with who he was, rather than aspire to a false image of me. Most importantly, he could interact with me on a level playing field; we began to love each other as two men ought to be able to interact. We were given the opportunity to connect as father and son and man to man, without barriers and without inhibition.

I am so grateful. How much pressure my poor son must have felt. I can feel it in my breathing, a fullness in my chest. To know that he was ensnared and controlled by a lie nearly broke my heart. However, exposing the truth of the matter and coming to terms with its impact completely erased my misgivings and guilt. Instead, I can celebrate the wonderful freedom we have both encountered on the other side. I do not have to be responsible for who he becomes, and he has the freedom to make his own decisions, independent of my influence. I came to my position in life honestly, and now my son has the freedom and opportunity to do the same. It unleashed an unhappy burden for both of us, and we are better for it.

This book is written from the perspective of three men who, coming from very divergent professional and personal backgrounds, found their lives intersecting in a profound and meaningful way. Through a unique set of circumstances, their friendship and kindness toward each other has afforded them a connection, allowing them to explore the challenges of manhood and masculine development by exposing their deepest fears and most powerful hidden emotions. Through a commitment to each other characterized by honesty and vulnerability, they have uncovered and elaborated upon the behaviors and beliefs that hinder men from becoming the most freely expressed and God-honoring versions of who they were meant to be.

Divided into three parts, the book begins with a description of how the father deficit started and why men have been derailed from the onset, as it is laid out biblically in the context of Genesis. The second part illustrates this deficit through through personal stories, as told by each of the three authors. Finally, the father deficit is fully defined in Part III, where the reader is given mechanisms for understanding its impact. The road map for transcending a specific father deficit is explained.

Read on, and unravel the mystery of who you were created to be. You (or perhaps someone close to you) are a man in the making, and what you discover will be amazing.

PART I

The Father Deficit Rooted in Genesis

THE FATHER DEFICIT IS COMMON TO every human being. It began the moment Adam distanced himself from God. What began with the very first man has been perpetuated through each generation since. It is a truth we all have the opportunity to embrace and understand. Chapters 1–4 explain the biblical origin of the father deficit.

CHAPTER 1

Realistic Foundations

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

—German proverb

THE