Till Death Do Us Part: Dealing with Brain Injury and Physical Aggression

By Derek A. Tong

This memoir shares one individuals journey and his testimony to the goodness of God. Entranced in the complexities of life, he was enjoying his childhooduntil the accident

A head injury has these components: physical, behavioral, psychological, physiological, perceptual, emotional, spiritual, and cognitive.

Till Death Do Us Part explores

struggles for dealing with the head-injured; physical aggression and rage and whether they can be overcome; family dynamics; hope for the head-injured community; and conflict tips.

In this book, you will read of some tragic behavior and its consequences. May you experience Gods peace as the details are sewn together.

With God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26 NIV).

This is a cursory glance at my life. It hones in on the head injury (TBI) I suffered as a youth. It traces my development into young adulthood and enters into my married life. My relationship with Dana is briefly romanticized and the arrival of our children glorified. The union with my beloved bride started to change dramatically over time. Often with the distractions in life, I lose my focus and then my cool. My head injury was the source of these changes. It became the greatest culprit of all. Unfortunately, my wife fell victim to my relentless physical aggression, albeit unintentionally. As the story unfolds, for my wife the question would be her reactionTill Death Do Us Part or not?

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Nov 1, 2013
• ISBN: 9781490813448

Derek A. Tong

Derek is a published writer of journal and newspaper articles. This is his first book. He was a teacher for twelve years. Currently, he coaches golf and researches head injuries and their accompanying neurological deficits. He is a reformed father who enjoys golfing and spending time with his wife and children when not working.

Book preview

Copyright © 2013 Derek A. Tong.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4908-1343-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-1342-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-1344-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013918667

WestBow Press rev. date: 10/31/2013

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® . Copyright© 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Select Scriptures taken from THE MACARTHUR STUDY BIBLE. Copyright© 1997 by Word Publishing, a division of Thomas Nelson, Inc. All rights reserved.

The Holy Bible, New King James Version. Copyright© 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by Permission. All rights reserved.

Contents

Epigraph

Foreword

Prologue

Introduction

SECTION ONE— MIRACLE: CHILDHOOD

Chapter 1: Growing Up

Chapter 2: Growing, Going

Chapter 3: Growing by Accident

Chapter 4: Growing through Rehabilitation

SECTION TWO— MIRACLE: SALVATION AND DEVELOPMENT

Chapter 5: Growing to Be Like Him

Chapter 6: Growing, Adjusting

SECTION THREE— MIRACLE: MARRIAGE, LOVE ME BABY

Chapter 7: Growing Together

Chapter 8: Growing, or Not

SECTION FOUR— MIRACLE: MARRIAGE, LOVE ON THE ROCKS

Chapter 9: Growing Apart…Physical Aggression

Chapter 10: Growing Heartbroken

Chapter 11: Growing Hopeless

SECTION FIVE— MIRACLE: OUR VOW, IN LIMBO

Chapter 12: Growing, Healing

Chapter 13: Growing Uneasy

Chapter 14: Growing Closer

SECTION SIX— MIRACLE: TILL DEATH DO US PART

Chapter 15: Growing, Reflecting

Chapter 16: Growing, Hoping

Chapter 17: Growing Stronger

Chapter 18: Growing, Changing, Loving

Conclusion

Epilogue: Unimaginable

Scripture

Glossary

Internet Search Terms

Acknowledgments

Bibliography

Endnotes

Dedication

To my sweet wife, Dana, in light of her experiences and all she went through.

To victims of head injuries and physical aggression, as well as their caregivers and others who share their burden.

To couples with marital problems or folks with strife in their lives.

Most importantly, to Jesus, our Great Physician and Transformer.

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Epigraph

Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things.

(Henry Ward Beecher)

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins

(1 Peter 4:8).

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Foreword

To read this book is to go on a journey.

It is a journey through the life of a man who suffered massive physical trauma, including severe brain injury, as an adolescent, but who triumphed over all of it to become successful in career, faith, and family.

Or did he?

In these pages you will learn, in Derek and his wife Dana’s own words, that lurking just below the surface of Derek Tong’s victory story was a much darker reality. Anger and desire for control ultimately led to verbal and even physical abuse.

A house trashed.

A wife beaten.

Children living in constant fear.

And an extended family, as well as a loving church, left in utter shock when the whole façade collapsed.

Separated and disoriented, Derek suddenly found himself literally locked out of his own life. And, thanks to the permanent consequences of his brain injury, Derek found himself without clear memories of his own words and horrible actions.

And as a 30-year veteran of Pastoral Counseling, I found myself walking with a family through one of the most complex, heartrending, and ultimately humbling situations I’ve ever faced.

If you believe, as I do, that God works all things together for good in the lives of those that love Him, you will be greatly encouraged by this story.

If you don’t believe in that sort of God, then your unbelief is about to be challenged.

Because ultimately, this is a story about Him. It’s a story about the constant love, resolute grace, and unfailing faithfulness of Jesus Christ poured into and through the lives of Derek, Dana, Andrew, Alan, Aaron, and Alyssa Tong.

It is my joy to welcome you to this journey.

Pastor Russell Howard, Executive Pastor

McGregor Baptist Church, Fort Myers, Florida

Summer 2013

Prologue

This may be a difficult book to digest. I would just ask the reader to understand how challenging this was for me to write. It was very difficult for me to recall details. I truly struggled with this throughout. At first, I sobbed as I wrote this book. As best I could, I tried to remove myself from the narrative and think as a character, outside the box. I trust the effort will prove worth it.

Introduction

Young children long for fun activities, eagerly anticipating what will come next in their lives: the next school day and the chance to see their classmates, the next all-nighter, or maybe just playing with their neighborhood friends at day’s end. Adults also yearn for the next great thing to come their way in life: a new friend, a pay raise, an accomplishment or achievement, a fun vacation, or simply for the weekend and a chance to relax. The truth is, our dreams do not always come true, and we do not always realize our aspirations. God’s hand and intervention are always a factor, exercising His sovereignty over all our lives.

My life has gone through a number of different phases. I had a wonderful childhood, thanks to my wonderful godly, devoted Christian parents. I enjoyed success in a fine Christian school, aided by my partial photographic memory. Everything was clicking and I am sure it seemed I had it all together. Things were going my way and the future looked bright. Life was great and I was influential among my peers. I had great friends, played on ball teams, and was an accomplished pianist. You name it; as a kid I had it or was involved in it.

As an adolescent, my life took a dramatic turn after I suffered a massive head injury in a bus accident. What is a massive head injury? It is when one receives significant force or a blow to the head, shaking the brain and impairing its function, resulting in life-altering changes. It is also commonly known as a TBI (traumatic brain injury). My inherent struggles and deficits seemed insurmountable—physically, cognitively, physiologically, perceptually, behaviorally, and emotionally. It is sad, but true: The TBI individual will never, ever be the same (Koontz, 15).¹ Everything can change in an instant, but it can take a lifetime to unravel.

I was blessed to marry my lovely wife, Dana. When Dana and I fell in love, our dreams and expectations were sky high. Looking back, they were very unrealistic—at least mine were. We longed for a happy marriage. All things considered, over time, the writing was pretty much on the wall (along with marks from dishes and other things that had been thrown). It wasn’t my fault. (Or was it?) Not as far as I knew or remembered.

The physical aggression I initiated (and would quickly forget) caused destruction, driving a wedge between us and damaging our relationships with our four children. Conflict, dissension, and contention threatened to rip our home apart. It came to a point where it seemed it could get no worse. This is an account of my family’s journey that left our very lives hanging in the balance, with a future that did not look promising.

I did not write this book to gain anyone’s pity or sympathy, or to draw attention to what I’ve suffered or endured. I wrote it to bring hope and inspiration to other brain injury survivors around the world, making them aware of the multiple paths of healing that exist, through medicine, counseling, and Internet resources. For those of you who have suffered TBI, I empathize, yet I remain hopeful and prayerful that you too will overcome.

My wish is that Till Death Do Us Part will inspire you. I pray that your lives will be blessed, marriages enriched, and your faith strengthened. May you endure through the storms of life and may your love and compassion for others be deepened.

Section One—

Miracle: Childhood

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Chapter 1: Growing Up

Never before had my parents, Alan and Jane Tong, been this excited. Four years married and finally in the delivery room. They’d been told this wouldn’t be possible…but it was. They had waited their whole lives for this moment, to become parents. You have a baby boy! exclaimed the doctor. They named me Derek.

By their account, I developed into a wonderful little boy and easily befriended other children. I was the delight of my parents’ lives. As a three-year old in nursery school, I became immersed in all the commotion and excitement that came with other toddlers and pre-K students. They told me I enjoyed learning about simple things like colors and numbers, and playing with friends intrigued me.

My mother worked diligently to put food on the table while my father studied relentlessly in medical school to become an obstetrician. In spite of their hectic schedules, they made time for me, their young son. They loved me and I knew it.

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I loved the outdoors and playing with bugs, bikes, and frogs. My parents delicately trained me in each and every respect. They taught me well and raised me to be good and proper. But I took after my father (most likely) and turned into a little boy of mischief. I can’t say why, but I often was a stinker and an ornery son of a gun, especially with my adopted brother and sister. I guess our sibling rivalry was normal. I was quick-witted and often acted like a smarty-pants. Bless my parents’ hearts for what they had to deal with, their highly energetic and intelligent young son.

I began taking piano lessons in the third