Secret Tear

By Silia Loren

My promise to "Jesus" and understanding my message. I realize the Lord has allowed me to experience, endure and witness a great deal by protecting me all these years. My message is to enlighten society by using my past as an example of belief, faith and wisdom. Greatness of good is a gift from God. Evil is a powerful force of nature. Society will use the phrase, "It's human nature" as an excuse for any wrong doings towards anyone who has an identity crisis. But, is it human nature or just an evil act of malice behavior depending on the person? My opinion is goodness in people hearts are being de-sanitized by the strength of evil only if allowed. Be "real" to yourself by being yourself. Having faith will carry you through the challenges of life. Remember, "An anger mind is the devil's workshop". I always say, "Great people who represent good may pay the ultimate price on earth. But, the Lord's reward is life everlasting spirit in heaven".

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Sep 5, 2017
• ISBN: 9781640821521

Book preview

Secret Tear

Silia Loren

Copyright © 2020 Silia Loren

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING, INC.

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2020

ISBN 978-1-64082-151-4 (pbk)

ISBN 978-1-64082-152-1 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Family, faith and memories

Early years at Washington Elementary School

My favorite teacher

John Marshall Jr. High School-The Junior Years-

Thomas Edison Senior High-My senior years-

College and coming out

On my way to Southern California and on my own

First love

New friends, Lovers and adventures

Finding faith

My way to San Jose

Home again-Losing Daddy and Searching for my True-self-

My breakdown

Falling into place and Stupid mistakes

Beginning of my True-self

Disclaimer

In this book, I have tried to recreate events, locales, and conversations from my memories of them. In order to maintain their anonymity in some instances, I have changed some of the names of individuals to protect the innocent and to protect the guilty as well, sad to say. I apologize in advance if my opinions cause anyone to take umbrage. This book contains adult themes may not be suitable for all readers. Parental guidance is advised. I may have changed some identifying characteristics, places, and details such as physical properties, occupations, and places of residence.

Acknowledgment

My apologies are at hand regarding my original version of my book. This revised edition will replace unfocused errors caused by going through a toxic marriage.

I would like to express my gratitude to the people who saw me through this book; to all those who provided support, talked things over, read, offered comments, allowed me to quote their remarks, and assisted in the editing, proofreading, and design.

I would like to thank the Lord for blessing me with Louis Gonzales, for always believing and supporting all my endeavors. Steve Veloz, for supporting my writing abilities. James Koontz, for his motivational help regarding the title of my third book, ‘Fulfillment Stage of Success’ and my sister Viccy Murray, who provided support when I was in doubt by giving me the encouragement to gain the confidence to complete my memoir/book. I would like to give special thanks to Diane Tucker, who I have the honor to call, Mom! For reviewing my original version and sharing her opinion without sarcasm or negative comments. Diane’s sincerity has motivated me to modify and revise my original version. Robert (A.) Brown, for reviewing and sharing his opinions as well. Most of all, I like to thank my two sisters, Rikki Caligero for her impeccable work helping me by reviewing and giving suggestions while helping me edit. Amye Absher, for her support and suggestions, as well.

Introduction

This book is based on a true story of my earlier years as I questioned myself, why do I feel differently from others ? This is the first of three books in regards to my (Secret tear) Trilogy. My second book will be entitled. Stage of Transition and my third book, Fulfillment stage of success. I have decided to share openly the 3 stages of my life. Growing up and experiencing a life of dismal reality can be overwhelming. You feel introverted and become scared of society when it comes to being your true-self.

My heart, soul and mind tells me I’m a female. But, my body falsely reminds and tells me I’m a male. I’m sharing my life’s journey to help others not necessarily to understand, because nobody can truly understand someone else’s inner feelings. But, to relate or identify by the mean of the senses of how some individuals that are going through an identity crisis have a great amount of courage and commitment to become themselves. I truly believe having faith in your higher power will help you understand, that there will always be a struggle even after you have successfully fulfilled your ultimate goal of becoming your true-self.

Sad to say, there is still ignorance and prejudice in this world, which makes it very hard for individuals that are different to survive. I know there are hateful bullies of all kinds lurking for their prey, interfering, and making someone’s life unbearable. My opinion is, live and let live, for whatever challenges family, so call friends or society may have you endure through life. They might just only damage your dignity and reputation, but don’t ever let anyone take your spirit! Always remember, it’s the size of your heart and the strength of your character that will make you who you are.

I understand my reason, and purpose which is to fulfill what is expected of me. My promise to Jesus Christ, my higher power is to become his messenger by enlightening society the best way possible, without anger. But with sagacity, grace and wisdom. I have no children, and I feel that these books will be my legacy in regards to my existence in this world. Without you LORD, I have nothing! If my books can help even one person or family, I will know I have fulfilled my purpose in life. I don’t want to leave this world with would haves, could haves, or should haves. I want to leave this world knowing and saying, Thank you Jesus, my Lord! I did it!

Notes of Enlightenment to Understanding

Guilt, Shame and Fear (the Terrible Trio)

Guilt

When we are born, there is a scream of new life. Is it a boy? or Is it a girl? Every parent wants to know. From the moment a child is born, the typical boundaries of its genetic gender is set. In most cases, it’s correct because the child is cisgender, meaning its genetics and gender are aligned or one of the same.

Boys are raised to be athletic and macho, and girls are to be soft and sensitive. As you know, there is a difference of upbringing. But what happens when the wires get crossed and the child realizes he/she is different and their sex doesn’t match with how they feel inside? Their gender roles and sex may be the same, but their true gender/sex are divergent. This is what creates confusion in the beginning of a child’s life.

Parents are generally ill-equipped due to lack of information to deal with the symptoms of a child that’s transgendered. Now, that we have the internet a global computer network and Google the world’s most popular search engine. Anyone and everyone has the opportunity to find information that we could only dream of having beforehand. It’s common for a parent/person to say, Boys don’t play with dolls or Girls don’t play football, thinking it’s only a phase their child is going through. But what happens if the child doesn’t get over the phase?

The vast majority of these transgender children learn to go under the radar. They learn quickly that it’s wrong to feel like the opposite sex, and they acquire a feeling of guilt inside and have no frame of reference for their feelings, only that they are told time and time again that these feelings when acted upon are wrong.

Shame

As a child grows up knowing that their feelings are wrong, they are ashamed of who they are. They seem to hide and start to mix the truth with lies just for self-preservation, especially when the child/person knows the guilt of being different still exists. The driving need to express themselves can be truly unbearable. There is always a way for that child/person to find time to express themselves playing dress-up in private. Boys will dress up in female lingerie or dresses, and girls become tomboys.

Fear

The fear of being exposed can be a child’s or a person’s worst nightmare. If a child/person is discovered, the cycle is now set for a lifetime of fear and misery. Ask yourself, is this a wonderful way to live out a childhood? You be the judge.

Coming-of-Age and Puberty

This is usually a time of change for everyone as sexual identities become more prevalent. Our bodies change along with our social attitudes and approaches. It can be the most difficult time for every human being, especially when the human being happens to be transgendered (it is doubly so).

First, they see changes and don’t particularly want them because they don’t fit. While this is a source of anxiety for the transgendered child, there is now the second wave of transgenderism emerging. The cross-dresser often emerges at puberty and has never questioned his or her sexuality and gender, but they find there is a need to dress up as the opposite sex. This is often fueled by raging hormones and presents a sexual element to their cross-dressing. It’s worth noting at this juncture that not all children who are transgendered as young children are transsexual nor are all adolescents who discover they are cross-dressers have transvestite fetishes and, for that matter, are purely cross-dressers. The transsexual can emerge at any time, but the one thing every transsexual can say is I just knew I’m the wrong sex. It is a feeling that is rooted at their core. To the cross-dresser, cross-dressing is often a celebration of that sex they most admire. Emulating that gender is natural for them and provides a level of emotional comfort in the role. The transvestite fetishist cross-dressers primarily do it for sexual gratification. As the cross-dresser youth ages into young adult, the sexual element to cross-dress wanes.

Now here’s the real kicker to all of this: the cross-dresser or transsexual is by and large heterosexual. This only adds to the confusion. The truth is that the incidence of homosexuality within the transgendered community is no greater than that of the general population at large. For example, little Billy might feel like a girl, but he likes girls; in fact, he loves girls. The same holds true for Cindy, who loves boys.

Adulthood

As adults, we have accepted that we are different although we often fight it. We often deny who we are. We think we are ill, and the terrible trio lives on. We take macho careers, and some may marry, thinking it will cure us. Wrong! It is here to stay. We purge ourselves of everything we own, and we are miserable. We hide from our partners, and we are miserable.

Of course, eventually it comes out one way or another, and our partners react as we’ve always known they would, only now with the passage of time, there is a family involved and finances and a partner who is in shock and doesn’t understand any of it. She or he wonders if he or she isn’t good enough in their role as a husband or wife. They are horribly affronted by the deception, and finally their social conditioning tells them that this is wrong. Cha ching! The formula for disintegration of the family is there.

The transgendered find themselves alone, ashamed, and ripe host of mental disorders. Most often, anxiety and/or depression set in. But it doesn’t need to be that way.

The path to the recovery of a marriage from this is long and painful but, if walked together, can create an even stronger bond than either partner could have imagine.

Society may dictate the obverse, but the reverse is inseparable and of equal merit.

Venus and Mars are not aligned.

One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized, and cruelly mocked but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered.

Chapter 1

Family, faith and memories

Iwas always told that everyone has their own story to tell as far as writing a book about their life is concerned. I am not a professional writer by any means. All I am is someone who wants to share my life experiences while in this world. This story you are about to read just happens to be my story, Beginning stage of my life! (first of three stages). All I can go by is what I can remember and what my parents, relatives, and people that I know as friends have told me.

I remember Mama telling me three months have passed by until she realized she was pregnant with me, which I found strange. I always thought a woman would know she was pregnant during the first few weeks, I was puzzled. The year was 1957. Dwight Eisenhower was president of the United States, and Richard Nixon was vice president. The World Series champion was the Milwaukee Braves, and the Pro Football champion was the Detroit Lions and Carmen Basilio, who took the middleweight championship title from the great Sugar Ray Robinson. When Rodgers and Hammerstein’s, Cinderella a musical was televised, starring Julie Andrews, as Cinderella. Kaye Ballard and Alice Ghostley, as the two stepsisters. The Bridge on the River Kwai won the Academy Award for best movie, and the official motto, In God We Trust, first appeared on the United States paper currency on the one-dollar silver certificate.

It was a warm summer night on July 4th when my pregnant mother was experiencing a great deal of pain. Mama had to get help soon, so someone in my family ran next door and told Mr. Mendoza that Mama needed to be rushed to the hospital to give birth. Daddy wasn’t at home because he was in Alaska, working, and Mr. Mendoza was her only hope because he had a truck. Thank goodness our neighbors had a telephone because someone had to call Mama’s doctor, so he could meet her at the hospital. The nearest hospital was Dameron Hospital, so Mr. and Mrs. Mendoza rushed Mama to the hospital to meet with Dr. Leslie N. Low, M.D.

It wasn’t just America’s Birthday (Independence Day), it was the day Mama gave birth to me, at 11:04 p.m. It was my, Beginning Stage of life! Before Mama gave birth, the doctor looked at her at the hospital and realized she was having severe complications. He was also surprised to see her so soon because I was scheduled to be born in the month of September. I didn’t find out until I was in high school when I overheard Mama telling my Tia Catalina about my birth. While I was listening, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and I asked Mama whom they were talking about. Mama told me everything that happened when I was born.

She told me, You were just dangling like a rag doll the first time I saw you when the doctor was spanking you. He was trying to make you cry, but couldn’t. You just didn’t cry.

The doctor was puzzled, until he realized he had to do something fast. The doctor rushed me to another room to get me oxygen because he was scared he was going to lose me.

When you was in the room, you was just lying there like a dead baby, Mama had said to me.

She thought I was dead because my brother (James) before me died at birth about a year earlier, so Mama thought I was dead at birth as well. It was good that the doctor took me to get oxygen because that’s what saved my life. The doctor went back to Mama and told her that I had a 50/50 chance of living and there was no guarantee that I would survive. He also told her that I would have to stay in the hospital for further observation. Because I was so weak and underdeveloped due to being born a couple of months premature. Mama also remembered the strange look the doctor had when he looked at my genitals. She was worried I was born deformed. In those days, people didn’t know what to do about things like this. They just hoped for the best.

All my siblings were born in the house except my brother who was born before me, he didn’t survive. For some strange reason, Mama and Daddy agreed to name me Albert, my birth name, which I could never understand. Sometimes there’re questions that are meant to be unanswered. Mama and Daddy had their reason to give me that name, who am I to disrespect my parents by questioning why. They have their reasons, (I guess I will never know). I was born with a female brain in an underdeveloped male body.

When it was time for Mama to leave the hospital, the doctor told Mama I had to stay for further observation due to my condition. The doctor told her he would make sure his staff would keep a close watch over me during this critical period. He informed her that I would have to be transferred to the San Joaquin General Hospital, located in French Camp, California. In other words, Mama and Daddy couldn’t afford to keep me at Dameron Hospital. You see, my family was poor and were limited as far as medical expenses were concerned. Dameron Hospital is located in Stockton, California (also known as, Fat City), which officially makes me a native Stocktonian.

Stockton is a midsize city where the 1949 Academy Award-winning motion picture called, All the King’s Men was partly filmed. Other movies like, Coast to Coast (starring Robert Blake and Dyan Cannon), Cool Hand Luke (starring Paul Newman and George Kennedy), and Fat City (starring Stacy Keach and Jeff Bridges) were partly filmed near the place I was raised in Stockton as well (just to name a few). There was also the American television series by the name, The Big Valley, starring Barbara Stanwyck, Richard Long, Peter Breck, Lee Majors, and Linda Evans. The series was about the Barkley family who lived in nineteenth-century Stockton in California’s Central Valley.

This city is where Jeanette Helen Morrison, better known as the famous movie star Janet Leigh, was raised (some documentaries says she was born in Stockton, but she was really born in Merced, California). Janet Leigh was married to actor Tony Cutis, the parents of actress Jamie Lee Curtis and her sister Kelly Curtis. Janet Leigh attended grammar school and high school in Stockton. Both Janet Leigh and Jamie Lee Curtis attended College of the Pacific, now known as the University of the Pacific. I feel they both have the mentality of a true Stocktonian within them (down to earth).

Alex Spanos—billionaire, real estate developer, owner of the San Diego Chargers—was born in Stockton as well. Alex and Bob Hope would play a game of golf at Swenson Park in Stockton at times. I guess you can say I’m among great company when it comes to being a Stocktonian.

But unfortunately, I was raised in the ghetto part of Stockton—south Stockton, that is. Being famous or successfully wealthy seemed too far-fetched for a person such as myself or anyone from my neighborhood (it was way out of reach). The neighborhood where we lived is called Boggs Tract, located in the Port of Stockton area. Our neighborhood was known for the rats; some rats were the size of cats, and I’m not exaggerating (the tail was what differed between the cat and the rats). Our neighborhood inherited these rats from the ships from all parts of the world docking at the Port of Stockton.

I’m not trying to say being raised in Boggs Tract was a bad thing by any means. All I’m saying is that it has truly been an adventure and the experience of a lifetime (school of hard knocks).

People from other neighborhoods would say, If you visit Boggs Tracts, don’t wear yellow because the rats might think you’re a piece of cheese and will attack and eat you alive.

Some would say, I saw rats playing basketball at Washington Elementary School!

Of course, these were just jokes that the kids from other neighborhoods made up when they described our neighborhood. My neighborhood was called, the lowest community of Stockton. How sad that was. Anyone who lived in the Boggs Tract neighborhood inherited a Boggs Tract mouth, meaning a voice that carries (a loud voice).

That’s why I grew up shy and timid because I didn’t inherit a Boggs Tract mouth until later in life. If I can recall the history of Boggs Tract, it was Mr. Franklin Boggs, a graduate from the University of California in 1894, who located Stockton in the fall of the same year and began developing the 1,314 acres of land in the Delta district owned by his father. The land had been flooded several times, and Franklin began a reclamation campaign. Since that time, he has been actively engaged in development. He decided to convert this swamp area into a housing area for farm labor workers and low-income families.

Anyways, Mama would go see me at the hospital until I was strong enough to come home. The doctor instructed Mama to make sure she would take me to the hospital for checkups because the doctor was extremely concern about my health and wanted to make sure Mama would do as instructed. During the time I was at the hospital, Daddy was in Alaska, working at the salmon factory.

My sister, Celina, mentioned when I was brought back from the hospital, she enjoyed dressing me up like a little girl. She said I had so much hair as a baby that she could make a little ponytail. So when Daddy came back home from working in Alaska, she told Daddy that Mama traded me for a little girl because she thought it would be funny. But Daddy didn’t think it was funny at all. I have four brothers and one half sister who are older, which makes me the baby of the family. I didn’t find out that Celina was my half sister until many years later.

My sister also told me that when I was a baby, she used to enjoy throwing me up in the air and catching me. Then one time in the backyard while she was throwing me up in the air and catching me, Mama noticed what she was doing and got upset and scared, yelling at my sister, Celina! You’re going to drop the baby! My sister said, No, I’m not! Next thing you know, my sister missed, and I fell straight down to the ground. Just think, she could have seriously injured me or even accidentally killed me (my sister got into deep trouble that day).

I can recall Mama telling me about the time when I was being treated at San Joaquin General Hospital. One of the nurses gave me a shot of some sort. After she gave me a shot, Mama noticed that my face was changing colors.

Mama got scared and yelled out, Something’s wrong with my baby!

The nurse said, Don’t worry, your baby’s fine!

Mama started showing fear in her voice, "My baby! You’re killing my baby!"

The nurse kept trying to calm Mama down telling her, Everything is going to be all right.

But Mama kept yelling, My baby! Something is wrong with my baby!

While yelling, the doctor that was in the other room overheard Mama and rushed to see what all the yelling was about. When the doctor saw my face changing colors, he grabbed me and rushed me to go get oxygen before it was too late. I was really fortunate that there was a doctor nearby to save my life. It was shortly afterwards, when Daddy decided to tell Mama not to take me back to the hospital for checkups any longer.

I can remember back to when I was about two and a half years of age. It was during Christmas time in the evening when Mama and her friend Margarita Ortega took us kids to get Christmas gifts at Saint Mary’s church. The church is located in the heart of downtown Stockton (it’s a beautiful Catholic church). The members of the church would always find ways for people to donate Christmas gifts for low-income families around the Stockton area. My earliest memory is waiting in line outside the west side entrance of the church for our turn to receive gifts.

Mama was holding my hand until I was too tired to stand, so I began crying. She picked me up and held me in her arms. It was cold that evening, and there were a lot of people in line, taking their turn to receive Christmas gifts. Margarita and her children were in front of us, waiting patiently. I looked like a little Asian orphan when I was at this age.

Well, I should, I am part Asian. My Daddy, Jose Joe Bocobo Basilio, is Filipino, Italian, Spanish, and Chinese. My mama, Concepcion Concha or Connie Lopez is Spanish, Indian (Aztec), and Mexican. In other words, I am proud to say, I was born an all-American mutt (a mestiza).

When Ophelia and Odelia Ortega received their toys, I noticed the toys were shaped like a doll. I automatically knew what I wanted. When it was my turn to receive my gift, the sister of the church along with the father of the church was going to give me a gift shaped like a toy truck. When I saw that, I started kicking, screaming, and crying, creating a scene because I wanted a toy like Odelia’s and Ophelia’s; I didn’t want a toy truck. I was pushing the toy away and creating such a stink that the sister of the church got nervous. She spoke to the father, and they both agreed to give me the toy I wanted.

I was so happy that I stopped crying the instant I received it. This was the best toy I ever received for Christmas. I know Mama was embarrassed about the whole thing, but she let me have my doll. It was unusual because in their mind, I was a little boy having such a fit crying for a doll so badly. But in my mind, I was being myself. I was being a little girl. I couldn’t wait to unwrap my Christmas gift because it was what I wanted. When I looked at that doll, I thought I was the luckiest kid in the world. But the next day, when Mama took us to Margarita’s, I noticed Ophelia’s and Odelia’s dolls were prettier than mine. I looked at Mama and started crying because I wanted the doll they had.

Mama was pretty upset at me and told me, You wait until we get home! I knew what that meant. I better stop acting like a spoiled brat or I was going to get a spanking if I didn’t stop. At least I had a doll of my own. Now that I think about it, I can’t recall what ever happened to that doll that I loved so much.

I would like to give a little history regarding Mama and Daddy. Mama was born in Los Angeles, California, on September 20, 1925. She was one of the first Mexican American born in her family. After she was born, my grandmother moved back to Mexico. Mama was second to the youngest of the girls out of thirteen (if I’m not mistaken) children, but only five survived: my Tia Maria (the oldest), then my Tia Catalina, my Uncle Jimmy, and the youngest, my Tia Pola. I remember Mama said she had twin brothers, but they both died when my grandpa had to go out of town to do railroad work. My twin uncles were really attached to my grandfather. So when he went out of town, they both got really sick, which led to their deaths. Mama would tell me stories about grandma and grandpa. She told me that one time, my grandma caught my grandpa in bed with a man (I was surprised when I was told about that).

I remember Uncle Jimmy used to tell us that Mama was grandpa’s favorite. That’s why grandpa spoiled Mama rotten when she was young. Mama told me she only had a second-grade education because she had to start working at an early age. Mama would help Grandma clean other people’s houses just to help with food and a roof over their heads. Even when grandpa was working for the railroad, they still didn’t make much money; that’s why the kids had to work. Far as I can remember, Mama always been overweight (obese), and Daddy would always talk about Mama’s weight. Daddy would tell us they couldn’t go to the Philippines because the plane wouldn’t be able to leave the ground because Mama was so heavy.

Daddy was born in the Philippines on March 9, 1909, which made him sixteen years older than Mama. Daddy told me he left the Philippines when he was twelve years old. He came to the United States by pretending this man that was on the ship was his uncle. Daddy had a third-grade education, so most of Daddy’s life was spent working odd jobs, like working in the fields or in the cannery. He told me he was working at the hospital as a janitor during the Depression. I can’t recall how many siblings Daddy had, but I do know that after Daddy left the Philippines, he never returned. Daddy was a very handsome and slim man when he was younger. He looked younger, close to Mama’s age.

Mama would tell me stories about my childhood. Like the time she left me outside in the yard with our dog, Lady. Mama always trusted me with Lady because she knew I would be safe. While she did housework. Of course, my siblings weren’t home and Daddy was in Alaska, working, so she didn’t have anyone to watch me. Our dog Lady, was the first dog I ever loved, and the first dog I ever laid my eyes on. She was a Doberman pinscher, black with brown marks and very overprotective of me.

While Mama was doing housework, she heard a knock on the door. When Mama opened the door, there was a black lady standing there. Mama was puzzled, wondering why this person was at the front door.

The lady asked Mama, Ma’am, do you have a little child and a dog?

Mama said, Yes, I do. My baby’s playing with our dog in the backyard. Why?

The lady replied, Ma’am, are you sure? Because there’s this little kid over by the railroad tracks by the levee with a big black Doberman pinscher.

Oh mi señor! My baby, I got to get my baby! Mama says with a disturbing look on her face.

The lady and Mama rushed toward the crowd at the levee near the railroad tracks. The lady was telling Mama, You sure have a good dog. We all tried to get your child, but that dog would not let any of us get near your baby. Your dog protected your baby like it was her own.

Mama smiled and told the lady, Yeah, I know. Lady protects my baby. She always has. Then she got me and Lady, thanked everyone, and then headed home, leaving the crowd speechless.

It was during summer after I turned three years old when I went through a hurtful experience in my life that traumatized me. I can still remember how it all came about after all these years. I was playing in the dirt in the backyard when one of my brother’s neighborhood friends by the name of Damon Fox (a light-skinned interracial black-and-white boy with freckles on his face who lived a couple of blocks from where I lived) came over. Mama was in the house, cooking or cleaning like she always did, during the time this incident happened.

I was minding my own business, when Damon Fox approached me. My brothers weren’t home; they were out exploring, leaving me all by myself with Mama. Our family dog Lady knew Damon was a friend of the family (Lady usually watches over me). Damon started talking to me and giving me some attention. I didn’t know any better, I just listened to him while he was talking. Because when you’re just a little kid you don’t know too much, so you take advantage of the attention you’re getting.

Damon gently grabbed my hand and started leading me through our wooden fence to go next door. Our wooden fence had a couple of wooden boards missing, so we would always use that as a passageway to go to the house of a man we called uncle (an old Filipino man who was an old friend of my father’s) next door. We passed through Uncle’s yard and kept walking until we ended up at this old broken-down house. I didn’t know why we ended up at that old broken-down house. When you’re a child, you really don’t ask questions, especially when you know it’s one of your brother’s friends. He kept talking to me while we were in that house, then we stopped in one of the rooms.

I turned and looked at him feeling bewildered. All of a sudden, he slowly pull me closer to him. I felt powerless and clueless, it seemed like everything around me was slowly vanishing into thin air. Nobody has ever done this to me; it felt wrong and dirty. Then he started leading me into another bedroom in that broken-down house.

At this moment, as a child not understanding what was happening, I had no idea that my innocence as a child was about to be ripped out of me. Something that no child should ever have to experience in their lifetime. He started touching me in places I have never experienced before. Slowly rubbing my buttocks softly while putting my pants down. I felt paralyzed, like being frozen with complete anxiety, stuck in time of never-ending weakness. There was this nasty dirty mattress lying on the floor. After I saw that mattress, I turned to him with complete numbness, like a puppet being controlled by his masters every desire.

Then Damon had me lie face down on the mattress with my pants down to my ankles. While lying down, he got on top of me and started to thrust his male organ in me. I felt this burning sensation that hurt so badly that I screamed out loud and begin to cry. When I started crying, Damon got scared and said, Shut up! But I couldn’t shut up because it hurt too much. He got off of me and started putting his pants back on. He says, Pull your pants up! I was still crying while I was pulling up my pants. Damon started talking nice to me, so I would calm down.

After I calmed down, he grabbed my hand and took me back to my backyard, where I had been playing. He told me not to tell anyone, because if I told anyone, they would blame me and hate me forever. Before he left he says, this is going to be our little secret, while he smiled slyly.

I remember the last time Damon did nasty things to me. It happened when Damon came over while my brothers weren’t home. Again, I was playing in the backyard and minding my own business when Damon came to me and asked if I wanted to play cowboys. I told him, Yeah. I didn’t know that it was going to be one of his nasty ways of molestation. You see, during these days, we had an outhouse in our backyard. When we got to the outhouse.

He picked me up and helped me get on the roof of our outhouse. When we were both on top we spread our legs like we were on a horse. Then I noticed he got closer and closer until he was behind me with his arm around my waist. Then he started humping on me like he was doing nasty to me. I started getting uncomfortable, so I told him to stop or I was going to tell my Mama. He stopped. After this incident, he never tried again.

It was about the same time when my sister, Celina, was teaching me how to say bad words. When my sister had to go to the outhouse to take a shit, she would take me with her for some reason. I guess she just wanted to have someone with her and I was the only one she could take. I didn’t mind at all. I enjoyed spending time with my sister. My sister always spoke like a drunken sailor, (without the drinking) and she always enjoyed teaching me how to say bad words. She would teach me in Spanish and in English. I would go running around, saying bad words out loud, thinking I learned something good. I really didn’t know they were bad words. I just thought they were funny words because my sister would always burst out laughing after she heard me say them.

One day Daddy and Mama took my sister and me with them to Super Save, a store on Charter Way. While on our way, I saw a big truck and trailer (an eighteen-wheeler). My eyes opened up wide, and then I pointed at it and yelled out, Mama! Daddy! Look! Look! A fuck, a fuck! Look! A big fuck! Daddy looked back at me then looked at Mama. Mama looked at Daddy and shook her head, then she looked back at my sister and rolled her eyes. Mama knew how badly my sister cussed and also knew my sister would take me to the outhouse with her. My sister’s eyes nearly popped out of her head, when I said, A fuck! A fuck! She put one finger to her mouth to shush me, telling me, Shut up! Be quiet! Anyway, that still didn’t stop my sister from teaching me other bad words later on, while growing up.

I didn’t know I was going to experience anything nasty again, until about a couple of years later. I can recall witnessing something that blew my mind, something that I kept to myself until now. It was during the day. I was bored and decided to go exploring, so I went to the broken-down house that was in our backyard. You see, we lived in a two-parcel lot, so we had a pretty large backyard. Anyway, I went to the broken-down house to explore, until I heard a noise. Then I heard whispering voices.

I got curious and started walking slowly, and then I eased my way to one of the bedrooms where I kept hearing these whispering voices. I was puzzled because nobody was in any of the bedrooms, so I thought I was hearing things. Suddenly, I heard these whispering voices again. I noticed they were coming from outside by the bedroom window, so I carefully and quietly tiptoed towards the window to investigate. When I reached the bedroom window, I peeked outside, and I couldn’t believe what I was looking at.

I can remember, like it was just yesterday. I saw one of my brothers and Damon Fox in a strange position. Then all of a sudden, it came to me. I began to realize that my brother was doing what Damon was trying to do to me in that broken-down house that was next door from Uncle’s house. By this time, I was close enough that I could hear what they were saying.

My brother was telling Damon, Bend over a little bit more.

Damon replied, Like this?

My brother said, Yeah, like that.

My brother had his pants down to his ankles and was trying to put his family jewel inside of Damon’s buttocks. I was mystified to see what was going on. I quietly tiptoed out with astounding thoughts as I quietly left. Perhaps in reality, it’s just a stage adolescence. A period of development, towards maturity.

I never told anybody about this because in those days, nobody spoke about these things. It was kept hush, hush. You see, I believe things like molestation, what Damon did to me, happens in people’s lives and nobody really wants to talk or mention anything about it. People might be ashamed or want to forget it ever happened. Most of the time, people are scared to tell anyone because they might get blamed for putting themselves in these positions or getting punished for mentioning anything, so things like this stay a secret for life.

So, this is the reason why I’m mentioning private and personal things that happened in my life. It’s time to be heard, and nobody should be blamed or punished for things they have no control over.

I was a very shy and quiet child when I was growing up, especially when I was around people I didn’t really know. Maybe it was because of what happened to me or what I saw in the past. But, when I was around my family, I talked a great deal, which my brothers knew; this is why they teased me so often. My brothers also knew that Daddy spoiled me rotten because I was the baby of the family. The way I saw it, Daddy spoiled me because I was Daddy’s little girl. He loves me enough to treat me like a little princess. My oldest brother is Joe, Leslie, is the second oldest, Peter, the third oldest, and Danny, the fourth oldest. Anyway, all four of them would always talk about my big ears, that I had when I was a child. They knew I was sensitive about my ears and it wouldn’t take much to make me cry. What they would do was form a line and look at one another then sing, Bumble ears. It would kind of sound like this Bumble ears, bumble ears, bumble ears! I would be so hurt that I would start crying and run to Mama. Then out of nowhere, they would yell out Hey, Dumbo! You better not run too fast or you’re going to catch yourself flying! like the Disney elephant, the one that had big ears that could fly.

That was not the only thing they would tease me about. They would tease me about my flat ass, making my nickname Flat Ass! I inherited a bad complex about my body. My brothers also had nicknames of their own as well. Joe’s nickname was, Indian, and I have no idea why. My brother Leslie’s nickname was, Mosquito, because he was so skinny. Peter’s nickname was, Preacher, because he would be the peacemaker when an argument occurred. Peter would usually explain the issues different ways in order to prove his point. And my brother Danny’s nickname was, Catfish, because he looked like a catfish. But they always had a field day when they all started picking and teasing me. I had so much of a complex due to the teasing and the way they laughed while doing so.

I was about four years old and my teeth were so rotten that I had to go to the dentist. I used to love eating candy and I always put a lot of sugar in my breakfast cereal, which caused my teeth to get rotten. Well, when my brothers found out about this, they had a field day scaring the hell out of me. They would tell me, You going to go to the dentist? Oh shit! The dentist is going to inject a needle in your mouth! The needle is going to be this Big! While stretching their arms out as far as they could go. No he’s not! You’re lying! I would scream out. Then I would run to Mama as fast as I could, crying, screaming and begging her not to take me. This is the reason I get so scared and nervous when I go to the dentist, even to this day. So when I went to the dentist for the very first time, I was so horrified that I was shaking like crazy. In my mind, I kept hearing my brothers telling me, The needle is going to be this big!

Mama and I were in the waiting room at the dentist’s office. The receptionist finally called my name out, it was my turn to be treated. When the dental assistant was trying to have me sit in the dentist chair, I was giving her a really bad time. I kept fighting her, swinging and trying to keep her away from me. I kept hearing my brothers’ voices going through my head: They’re going to have needles this big! But when the dentist came into the room, I freaked out and started kicking and swinging. I didn’t want to get injected with any needles. (To this day, I’m still scared of needles of any kind.) The dental assistant, the dentist, and Mama had a lot of trouble trying to subdue me, so the dentist could continue doing his job.

It took about five minutes or even longer, before I started tuckering out. I knew the dentist was getting aggravated, by the way he looked at me. Then he finally calmed me down by telling me he would be very gentle and careful. He told me, If you feel any pain, you could give me a tug and I’ll stop until you’re ready for me to continue. Okay? Okay! I replied. Well, it worked. The dentist finally got my mouth all numbed up, and he finally started working on my teeth. Now when I go to the dentist, I have to make sure that I receive something like laughing gas. I surely don’t want to feel the pain of the needle before the dentist starts working on my mouth.

I really enjoyed it when my brothers’ friends came over because they always had exciting places to go and sometimes I got to go with them. One time we headed east toward the Fiber Board Company near Lincoln Street. It was in an area next to the company where the water was dumped through a pipe into a swamp. My brothers called this place the Pipe, and to get there, we had to follow a dirt path between the fence and the swamp-like stream. I remember listening to my brothers and their friends telling jokes and laughing.

Soon as we arrived, my brother would sit me down in the shallow part. When I sat in the water, I noticed the water was nice and warm. They swiftly started taking their shirts and shoes off. Trying to be the first one to jump into the water. I heard them splashing water everywhere, laughing and having so much fun. My brothers and their friends used the pipe as a diving board to jump into the water. They knew the middle of the swamp was the deepest part. My brothers didn’t want me to go with them that day, but Mama made them take me. They knew if something was to happen to me, they would be in deep trouble. My brother had me sit where they could keep an eye on me.

I was sitting in the water, being bored, when I noticed minnows swimming around. The muddy dirt in the water was so slimy and nasty that I had to move around. I was amazed and amused by the minnows because they looked so cute swimming near me. I kept creeping closer towards the deep part where the minnows were swimming. I wanted to catch them so badly, and take them home. I can have them as pets like a goldfish. While trying to catch the minnows, one of my brothers noticed that I was getting too close to the deep part.

My brother yelled, Albert! You better get your ass back in the shallow part!

But I ignored him and kept trying to catch those darn minnows. I kept trying, until one of my brothers finally got tired of yelling at me.

He came to me and looked right into my eyes and said, You sit down here!

I told him, I want to catch some minnows to take home and show Mama.

He looked at the minnows, then looked at me and said, You know what? If one of those minnows goes up your booty, they’re going to explode, and you’re going to die. Do you want that to happen?

My jaw dropped, and my eyes widely opened. I said, No! I don’t want to die!

Then you better keep your ass here and make sure those minnows don’t get in your booty, he stressed.

Okay! I promise! I made sure that I kept my rear end to the bottom. I kept thinking to myself, Those minnows are not going into my booty. I don’t want to die.

When those minnows came near me, I would splash water at them and tell them to get away from me. The bad part was, I found out much later that everything my brother said about the minnows was a lie. It was the only way my brothers could keep me in the shallow part of the swamp.

One thing I do have to say about my brothers and their friends. They always found new places to explore and adventures to experience. I remember when I had my first crush with one of my brothers’ friends. I was about four or five years old, when my brothers took me along with them because Mama was cleaning the house. She thought it would be better for me to go with my brothers. They hated when I had to tag along with them, because I would slow them down. This time they decided to go to the San Joaquin River Railroad Bridge. We all called it, Black Bridge, an Abt bascule bridge that was built for the trains to cross the San Joaquin River. So, we went up the levee and up to the train tracks, just down the street from our house. Then we started heading west towards Black Bridge. We all believe black bridge was used in the movie, Cool Hand Luke, starring Paul Newman, years later.

While walking on the tracks, I noticed them whispering to one another, giggling and laughing. They kept giggling, and looking back at me. Then they would start whispering and begin giggling again. As usual, I was always behind, following them. All of a sudden, my brother tapped my other brother, and they all started running from me, laughing and looking back. I knew they were up to something, I just didn’t know what. I was painfully surprised when I saw them running from me. So I started chasing them, crying, yelling, wait for me! Do you think they felt sorry for me? Of course not. I was so hurt because I couldn’t believe they would do something like that to me. They knew Mama would be angry if she knew. I ran after them until I got tired and started slowing down.

Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Louie Gonzales looked back at me and decided to slow down. My brothers and their friends kept on running and shouting at Louie, Come on, Louie! Keep up with us! I think he felt sorry for me or something. He turned around and came back to me, then he gently grabbed my hand, I was already sobbing. He looked at me, smiled and told me not to cry. I stopped crying instantly. Then he started walking me home. Louie was calming me down while we were walking back to my house, trying to cheer me up. This is when I instantly acquired my very first crush. The attention he gave me was pleasing because of the way he cared.

After he took me home, I remember going straight to the window to watch him run back to join my brothers and their friends. In my eyes, I felt like a little girl, who had a crush on a boy, but in his eyes, I was just a bratty little kid that needed to be taken home. Ever since then, I couldn’t wait for Louie to come over to play with my brothers. Louie lived down the street from our house, a young Mexican boy that used to run with my brothers, kind of dark-skinned, with wavy dark black hair, and with a smile that just melted my heart.

There were other times when I did get to go with them on one of their adventures. It was during the summer, when my brothers and their friends decided to go to black bridge. We always went to black bridge during the summertime because there was so much to do there. It always seemed like it took forever to get to black bridge.

When we got there, we went down the dirt pathway that ran along the San Joaquin River. It was so hot that day, and we were all dripping with sweat as the sun beat down on us. Then we reached this trail that led us down to the river from the dirt pathway. While going down to the river, I can recall seeing this great big pipe facing the river that my brothers and their friends used as a diving board. While we were heading towards the pipe, my brother looked at me and knew I was too small to be hanging around that great big pipe. So, he took my hand and led me to the side, where there were tall weeds and bushes. When we got to the place where the tall weeds were, my brother told me to sit down, be quiet, and not go anywhere. I just sat there all alone and being bored. All of a sudden, I started hearing my brothers and their friends laughing, yelling, and joking around with one another.

Next thing I knew, I heard the sound of running, and then I heard a splash. I got curious, so I slowly and carefully spread the bushes apart because the bushes had little stickers. I was in a state of shock when I saw my brothers and their friends completely naked, running back and forth. They were all pointing and laughing at one another. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at, and of course, I was baffled, not knowing what was going on. But they were having so much fun just being crazy kids, running around naked as jay birds and free. I didn’t know if I was amused by the glow on their faces or because of their free-spirited energy. I remember one of the guys was already in the river, yelling, Hey you guys! The water’s nice and warm!

While I was watching, I turned deep red, especially when I saw my brothers’ friends naked. It seemed like I was watching for hours, but it was just seconds, then I quickly sat back down before any of them could see me. But I couldn’t help it. I just had to look just one more time. When I did, I was surprised to see Louie Gonzales, he was walking nude down the pipe slowly; he seemed kind of nervous. I guess it was because the guys were in the river laughing and making fun of him, telling him, The water’s warm! Jump in Louie! Next thing I knew, Louie turned to the guys, grabbed his penis and yelled out, Burn! (That’s a saying when a boy grabs his penis and catches someone looking at it.) Then Louie ran and jumped in the river. When I saw Louie naked on top of the pipe, my eyes were wide open, and my mouth was as well. My brothers and their friends were laughing, joking and having the time of their lives. I just sat back and watched them—I mean, peeking at them—

After they were done swimming. They all dried themselves up and were debating what to do next. So, they all decided to go explore Cucamonga Jungle, which was really an area of dead weeds, kind of like a dried up swamp. Cucamonga Jungle, was located across the levee from the river. While we were walking through the area, one of my brothers’ friends said, Let’s call this pussy valley. It was because of all the cracks when the water dried up. Then we headed up the levee, where there were a bunch of dead sticks standing straight up. Then one of the guys yelled out, Hey guys, since that’s pussy valley, we’ll call this place dick hill. They giggled while pointing at each other.

Then they started sharing bizarre stories and mysteries about Cucamonga Jungle. One of the guys was saying that someone was playing and died in quicksand. I never knew if it was fact or fable. I had no choice but to believe them. I was so naïve, I was believing most of the stories that were told to me.

One time when my brothers and their friends went to go swimming in the San Joaquin River. It’s the one time I will never forget. I was surprised when they brought my brother Danny home. Everyone looked really serious and spooked because Danny had an accident while at black bridge. While they were out playing at black bridge, Danny decided to jump from the bridge and into the river. When he did, there was a sharp object in the water they didn’t know about. It seemed like my brother Peter and their friends warned Danny not to jump, if I remember right. But Danny ignored them and landed into a sharp object that was in the water; it ripped open one of his legs.

The wound was from his ankle, almost to his knee, which was so deep you could almost see his leg bone. I was so horrified that day because I thought Danny was going to die; there was so much blood. His wound looked really bad, like meat was just hanging and some white stuff, which got me sick to my stomach. Mama found someone to drive her and Danny to the San Joaquin Hospital to get treatment. While they were at the hospital, I was at home, crying like a baby. When Danny and Mama came home, Danny’s leg was all bandaged up, from his ankle to his knee. Mama told Danny not to be walking around the house and to rest his leg as much as possible. I was amazed how they fixed Danny’s leg, the way they wrapped the bandage around and around his wound.

I remember how hyper he was, every time the telephone rang, Danny would rush to answer it. He would always beat me to the telephone because Mama wanted me to answer the telephone, so Danny could get his rest. It took a long while before they took all the stiches out because it was a really deep and long wound. Thank goodness, Danny made it through that incident, which worried all of us because he lost so much blood when it happened.

It was always amusing because my brothers and their friends always found something to do during the summer. It was during the day, when we would get or find large cardboard boxes and lay them down flat. Then we would start heading toward the levee at the railroad tracks down the street from the house. When we got to the levee, we would head up toward the railroad tracks. As soon as we arrived at the top of the levee, we would flatten the dry weeds.

We made a trail to simulate a slope, so we could sleigh down the levee when we were on top of our cardboard boxes. The bigger the cardboard box, the better. First, we would just sleigh down the levee for the fun of it all, then we would do it over and over. As the day progressed, we would start challenging each other and race down the levee. After we reached the bottom, we would grab our cardboard box and run