My Toughest One: A Caregiver’S Guide to Making a Rough Ride Smoother

By Laura J. Gabbard

The toughest ride on the home front just got a little smoother.

Laura Gabbard faced her scariest rodeo yet when her husband of thirty years was diagnosed with a fast-growing, terminal brain tumor. Life suddenly spun into the chaos of doctors visits, an endless deluge of information, and many unimaginably tough decisions. Fortunately for her husband, Lauras decades of experience rehabilitating horses with a holistic approach had prepared her to make each step a little smoother and, with the help of a team of allies, keep him alive for nearly five years beyond the doctors predictions.

In My Toughest One, Laura shares their story, highlighting the philosophy, skills, and tools of the rehabilitative approach she used in order to help other caregivers:

Explore a more holistic approach to rehabilitation and reclaim power to fully support a loved one.

Make the ride a little smoother and regain balance emotionally and physically.

Rediscover the power of love and the presence of grace.

If youre looking for a more powerful way to support your loved one and yourself, this is the book for you.

Life has prepared you to face your toughest one, and youre about to find out how.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Feb 23, 2018
• ISBN: 9781504398251

Laura J. Gabbard

After helping her husband beat the odds and astound doctors with five years of life beyond what they predicted, Laura knew that she had to share the secrets of her success with caregivers and others who had suffered a loss or health crisis. She took a year to fully grieve her loss, shared the intimate details of their amazing journey in the book The Toughest One, and then bought a ranch in Washington and launched ReBoot Ranch Retreata place where others can reboot their health, reclaim their creativity and purpose, and reset their life with the cognitive and behavioral tools that sustained her and Reid through their difficult journey with the help of her horses. Born horse-crazy and lucky to have been raised in the country, shes been surrounded by four-legged companions her entire life, many with special needs. Lauras always had a big heart for animals and an uncanny ability to nurture and heal, which she says she inherited from her grandmother. The small farm where she started her family seemed to attract what her husband called the blind, crippled, and crazy. They always had a unique collection of critters that needed help re-establishing their health. She became interested in a more holistic approach to horse health and training while teaching her two daughters to ride. In 2000, she and an amazing group of kids called the Red Hot Riders 4-H Club introduced Natural Horsemanship at the Central Washington State Fair. The event attracted attention across the United States, following an article in the Trail Less Travelled Magazine. For ten years, they travelled and offered demonstrations to teach other kids how to really have fun with their horses. Her philosophy of teaching youth how to think like a horse empowers them in miraculous ways. When a child can influence the behavior of a thousand pound animal and create a relationship based on trust and communication where the horse would rather be with them than anywhere else, its a beautiful thing and it increases their safety and self-esteem in profound ways. Laura is a visionary with a knack for creatively solving relationship problems and health issues. She is also an artist, published illustrator, and writer and has a fondness for painting cowboy boots, which she says is surprisingly very therapeutic.

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Copyright © 2018 Laura J Gabbard.

Cover design by Dan Mulhern at xcelcreative.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-9824-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-9825-1 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 02/22/2018

Contents

Acknowledgments

Preface I Wonder

Introduction Making The Roughest Ride Smoother

Chapter 1   Bucked Off

Chapter 2   Can’t Ride Scared

Chapter 3   Back In The Saddle

Chapter 4   Hitting His Stride

Chapter 5   Atta Boy!

Chapter 6   Too Much Slack In Those Reins

Chapter 7   Digging Our Heels In

Chapter 8   Becoming One With The Horse

Chapter 9   One Last Ride

Chapter 10   Into The Sunset

About Laura

What Readers are Saying…

"My Toughest One is truly a remarkable and inspiring story. Having acted as a caretaker for my own father, Laura gave me great peace and comfort in knowing that I wasn’t alone with all of the mixed feelings that we have when acting as a caretaker for a loved one. I so enjoyed learning powerful tools through her fun storytelling, and found a great amount of comfort in experiencing all that she learned along her journey. Thank you, Laura, for being so vulnerable, honest, and transparent through each experience you shared. You have liberated me to do the same."

Ciara Gutierrez

Entrepreneur

"As a caregiver to my mother for five years, I was immediately captivated with this journey. Laura lays out the real-life drama many of us face—offering insights and strategies for navigating the challenges that can deplete the strongest of wills. Even the most courageous person can find themself lost when confronted with the inevitable. This book humanizes the spiritual side of life. A must read for anyone responsible for the care of a loved one.

Rick Amitin

Author of If Only I Had a Dad and the Companion Workbook of the same title

"My Toughest One offers a unique inside look at the raw challenges and emotions of caregiving, from the perspective of the caregiver and the loved one being cared for. Each chapter invites the reader to reflect upon the helpful concepts, tools, and skills as they relate to their own caregiving experience. I love how the author reminds us that we have all been caregivers and that those experiences can be drawn upon, learned from, and refined along the way by finding what motivates our loved ones and always respecting their personal power to choose."

Deborah Lynn

Caregiver

"A Course in Miracles teaching us that ‘sometimes death IS the healing.’ I believe that there are lessons, and there are blessings, and there are ‘blessons.’ My wish for Laura—the strongest and bravest woman I know—and for everyone reading this book is to take those ‘blessons’ to heart. This book captures the essence of an intense and life-affirming experiences, and I highly recommend it."

Judy Sinner

"After reading My Toughest One, I realized that my toughest ride is most likely still ahead; and I’m so grateful for the refreshing wells of wisdom Laura dug along the trail and this detailed map she’s created to make that ride a little smoother. In the meantime, her story has inspired me to start taking better care of myself now…while I still have some of ME left."

Tami Dempsey

Caregiving Daughter, Mother, Wife, and Friend

Laura’s story is an inspiring example of what it is to find meaning at a critical time in life. If you find yourself in a caretaking role, don’t wait to get this book. It can make a difference in your energy, your psyche, and your ability to support your loved one.

Patti Cotton

CEO, Cotton Group LLC

To Reid and Jack,

I’ll see you on the other side.

Reid.jpg

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

T o my husband, Reid, for sharing your life with me. For being such a great dad, grandpa, and all-around good guy. For your awesome sense of humor and unique way of looking at the world. For your courage and strength through the tough times. And, most of all, for lovin g me.

To Dr. B, for giving Reid hope and the best care imaginable. For always giving us your best and going the extra mile. For giving me purpose, believing in me, and somehow always knowing how to give me what I needed to keep going.

To our girls, Cotton and Echo, for your never-failing love and the beauty that surrounds you. For your support, help, and encouragement. And, most of all, for our grandkids.

To my mom, Pat, for letting me vent and being a sounding board and someone I can always count on to keep it to yourself.

To my sister, Rita, for finding Dr. B and being my greatest cheerleader, and for your uncanny ability to know how to get things done.

To my brother, JW, for your quiet stability and humor, and for being such a good sport when we’d bring the dogs and take over your house for weeks at a time.

To my dad, Jerry, for your unwavering belief that I can do anything I put my mind to.

To Reid’s parents, for your willingness to do ‘whatever it takes,’ no matter what it cost you.

To Reid’s family, for standing by us and showing Reid how much you care.

To my girlfriends, for the long talks over lunch or on the phone. For the wise advice and encouragement and reminding me that I am never alone because some of you have walked my path before me.

To Reid’s guy friends, for getting Reid out of the house and reminding him that life is to be lived today, and for helping with the hard stuff.

To Alvin, for making Reid’s Night Before Christmas a reality.

To our adopted family at the clinic, for making us feel right at home.

To all our friends and other family for your efforts on our behalf. For the part each of you played in the orchestra of Reid’s life. For cheering him on and showing him how much he was loved.

To my writing coach, Amanda, for all your help with this book from the very beginning, and for ‘getting me’ and helping me find my voice and message.

To all my horses, for your spirit, grace, lessons, and forgiveness, and for preparing me for my toughest one.

Laura

PREFACE

I Wonder

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I wonder if you can see that I carry the weight of our lives. The decisions and responsibilities are on my shoulders, and even the request to answer one small question can feel like the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I wonder if you can see the look in my eyes that says I need you to make love to me because it helps us stay connected, and I’m drifting; but I don’t ask because you need your energy to fight for your life.

I wonder if you can see those missed opportunities to show me how much you love me––not because I need to know, but because it helps keep me strong so I can carry us until you’re well again.

I wonder if you can see that I would gladly give my life to save yours––and that in many ways, I already have.

I wonder if you can see that saying I love you is important, but sometimes it isn’t enough.

INTRODUCTION

Making the Roughest Ride Smoother

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This book was written for the woman who is living in what feels like the crisis of caring for a loved one. Whether it is for a parent, spouse, or friend, caregiving is one of the hardest tasks we can have thrust upon us.

In what seems like a blink of an eye, we find our consistent daily routine completely upside-down. We are just riding along, taking care of our families as wives, moms, and grandmothers do––mine also included minding a small farm and its critters, and mentoring a group of young horse riders––and then BAM!

The chaos of numerous doctors’ visits, upsetting power struggles, fear of the unknown, the endless deluge of information, and unimaginably tough decisions.

Along the way, we watch our loved one slip into pure survival mode. Their emotions can become unsteady and behaviors unpredictable. One minute, they can be sweet and compliant; and in the next moment, they can hiss with bitterness, anger, or resentment. The emotional battle can become exhausting––especially if the proper self-care isn’t in place.

And as most wives, moms, and grandmas do, we will completely exhaust ourselves before ever looking in the mirror and asking what we need, let alone taking time to give it to ourselves. We become the anchor in the storm. The one who holds all the information, responsibility, security, and stability––the one everyone is counting on to hold them steady––and we become worn, weary, and weathered.

We find the wind circling us at rapid speeds and wonder how much longer we can take it. Sometimes, we feel completely invisible and resentful that this heavy load has been put on our shoulders, and wish we could just escape or wake up from the nightmare.

How do I know this?

Well, let me tell you a story about a horse and a husband.

First, the husband.

In 2010, my husband of thirty years, Reid, was diagnosed with a fast-growing, terminal brain tumor. We opted for an alternative route to his treatment, which helped prolong his life for nearly five years beyond the doctors’ predictions. This story is about how we did that and what we, mostly I, learned along the way.

As I reflect on our story, it’s obvious that my forty years of experience training and rehabilitating horses was one of the key reasons for our success. In fact, as I began looking for the key lessons I wanted to share with you, I could see how closely they reflected the approach I’d discovered for rehabilitating horses––from my initial moments of Assessment of the symptoms, to my willingness to Experiment with Alternative routes, all the way to my commitment to Adjusting to create better outcomes.

Thus, the horse.

You may be wondering how this book might help a caregiver who doesn’t know a saddle from a sow’s ear, but don’t worry. The story is not about horses, but about how my life with horses prepared me for the challenge of a lifetime and how I used every lesson I’d learned to get through it.

I was born horse-crazy. It’s in my blood, and I really don’t think I could exist without my four-legged buddies. And I have no doubts that this caregiving journey with Reid would have been even more nightmarish without the experiences of many wonderful equine friends and teachers. In truth, they all taught me something, but some challenged me to become a better person, and it’s those horses that you’ll meet throughout the book.

Tessa and Jack are the standouts in this book, even though I share quick stories of several others throughout the chapters.

Let’s start with Tessa, the dark liver chestnut mare with whom I learned a powerful approach to rehabilitation, and developed the muscle and the knowledge base that contributed to Reid’s success for so many years.

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Tessa was half-Arabian, and her Saddlebred father left nothing of himself visible to the naked eye. Perhaps his only contribution was her temperament, which left much to be desired. She was pretty enough, that is, if you could see past the thin body, the terrified look in her eye, and the miserable expression that consumed her whole being. A feistiness and spirit not yet extinguished still showed in a posture that screamed, Touch me and you’ll die!

I don’t know what I was thinking when I agreed to take her on, but it would be almost fifteen years before I was actually enough of a horsewoman to ride her.

My initial assessment of Tessa was that though she looked dangerous, she never actually acted on those threats. She didn’t have to because she was very convincing. With her ears pinned to her head, she looked like she would eat you for lunch if you got too close. Everybody was afraid of her.

Our first interaction showed me she didn’t want to be touched. Period. If I did manage to stay out of the way of her teeth and touched her chest or front legs, she crumpled to the ground. It seemed she was trying to fold them up and out of my reach. Someone had probably really hurt her.

She was also extremely cinchy, which means that saddling was a big problem. It took months to convince her it wasn’t going to hurt. I was very patient and eventually she became accepting of the process, though her pinned back ears made it perfectly clear that she still did not like it.

As she gained weight, she really became quite beautiful. She still acted like she hated everyone, except for the three days a month during her heat cycle when I could touch her all over and she would even wrap her neck around me in a hug. Three days a month, she was a doll; the other twenty-seven days, a total bitch.

Looking back with what I know now, I can see that there were signs in her peculiar behavior that indicated possible head trauma, chiropractic misalignment, or hormonal imbalance. If I had taken appropriate steps to address those issues, it might have made our life together easier. But I didn’t know, so it was she and I, just trying to get along together.

Every time I thought about trying to ride her, my intuition (that little voice inside) kept telling me to wait. I tend to be very cautious in these kinds of situations as the result of a childhood full of horse-related accidents and injuries. I’d been bucked off, knocked down, run over, kicked, bitten, stepped on, bruised, broken, and knocked unconscious.

Why hadn’t I given it up…the horse thing? It’s genetic. Some girls are born with it. Besides, those wrecks were not caused by bad horses. I know now that they were mostly the result of a misunderstanding between two species, in which one has the definite size, strength, and speed advantage.

Tessa was not a bad horse. She’d had a bad start and some bad experiences with people, but I really felt I could help her.

I’d done everything I knew to do and hadn’t gotten the results I wanted with her, so in the spring of 1991, I attended a Natural Horsemanship clinic that forever changed my life. The clinician talked about learning to think like a horse, and using their natural instincts to work for us not against us. We were encouraged to learn to speak their language in order to communicate what we want––to gain their trust and respect so they would become a willing partner. Our goal was to learn what motivates them more than fear or pain and become a competent leader, so the horse could follow with confidence. It all made so much sense that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it myself. I was hooked.

Remember, he said, a horse is a prey animal. In the wild, he gets eaten if he gets caught and God made him fast enough to outrun almost any predator. That’s the first thing he knows to do if scared or threatened. And if running is not an option, he will fight with teeth and hooves, which can be quite dangerous for a human.

Whew. I’m gonna have to go back to the beginning with her and build a foundation. Maybe then I can earn her trust and build her confidence.

With this new information, I was sure I could find the solution to her problems. I started calling her my work in progress––my project horse.

I loved everything about this new approach to training horses, but just because something makes perfect sense in your mind doesn’t mean you can go right out and make it happen perfectly in real time.

I experimented on our other horses,