Did Not See That Coming: Hope for the Single Parent

By Laurie Ann Hardie

My hope for you, as you read
this book, is that you will...
*receive validation
*know you are not alone
*discover the things that won’t
matter ten years from now, don’t
matter today
*offer yourself some of the grace
you give others
*learn you are enough, you do
enough and you have enough
*survive this
find ways to make the most out of
every challenging situation
*find peace in asking for and
receiving blessing from others.
but most of all...
that you can see the strength and
beauty in yourself and know that
being a single parent doesn’t define
you.
You have a wonderful and difficult
journey ahead of you, but you are
already equipped with everything you
need for your travels.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Dec 9, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483514963

Book preview

Counselor

Introduction

• Are you a single parent?

• Do you wonder how you will make it on your own?

• Do you wish you could get to know other single parents and hear about their struggles?

• Do you wish that single-parent websites were actually about single parenting and not dating?

• Do you feel like you may never have a life of your own?

• Are you working at a dead-end job you hate and you can’t make ends meet?

• Do you wish everyone would quit telling you what you need to do?

• Do you feel like this is as good as it gets?

Do you ever feel like a CPR Resusci® Anne©—a mannequin who gets breathed into and pounded on but no one can bring her to life?

As a struggling single parent I was working at a job I hated - not making enough money, missing summertime off with my kids, feeling like the crazy life I was living was as good as it gets. I continually felt sorry for myself, thinking, How did my life end up like this? I was angry, but (because I was a life coach) I asked myself What do I want? The answer was, I want someone to tell me that this is not all there is to life, that there is hope, and that there is still a possibility of me realizing my dream in the midst of doing my best to raise three kids on my own. That was what I wanted to hear. I wanted someone to say, "Look, I made it! I raised healthy, happy kids and I’m still doing what I love. And you can make it, too."

I wondered where I could find such a person, when it occurred to me that that person was me. I would have to be the one to make it happen, to blaze the trail, and let other single parents know there is more to life than their small, chaotic worlds. Anyone who’s been a single parent knows that what I was longing for was a tall order; I was dreaming big.

I can tell you that I determined to have my cake and eat it, too. I was going to enjoy raising my kids and pursuing my goal of a fuller life. Now, I’m an empty nester. My kids thrived into adulthood, and I have a career I love that includes being a public speaker. I would have drowned in hopelessness had I not believed that there was something better than just surviving a situation that I never wanted to be in, and resolved that I would be the one to make things happen. It wasn’t easy. It took years! But I believe, more than ever, if you have the courage to discover or re-discover your passion and take steps along the way to pursue, resuscitate, revive, and nurture that dream, it will become the engine to provide the hope, wonder, and energy to keep on keeping on. When times get really tough and a life of your own seems impossible, if you have already taken steps toward your dream, then it will begin to seem more and more real. There is a life for you.

Parenting is all-consuming, and is without a doubt the most important job in the universe. When you’re doing it alone, it’s easy to lose perspective. I wrote this book to share my stories, and the stories of other single parents. It was written to help you create a life for yourself in the midst of the important task and adventure of raising children. I hope it will encourage you. But most of all, my intention is that it will remind you of your hopes and dreams in a way that gets you back on the path of wondering about what’s next and remind you that dreams are still within reach. Whether it’s a hobby for your free time or a job you can work towards, you can take small steps to get on the winding path of living what you love.

No, we are not alone.

A Reminder

What do you love?

Remember when you had a dream?

All is not lost!

Resuscitate the passion, revive the dream.

It is not an easy task.

It is for the brave, the determined, the willing.

I don’t want to suggest a technique to change your life overnight, or even a do it in 90 days program. On this path, you need to constantly remember, revive, resuscitate, and pursue the dream in the midst of life events. This life you’re living is an adventure. Where is it taking you? What are you called to do, and do you need a reminder of your purpose here on earth? This journey you’re on may seem to be all about just surviving every day, but it’s so much more than that. Even little things we overlook or minimize are significant -- chatting with friends over coffee, watching kids at play, and even stealing a blissful afternoon nap along the way are reminders to keep dreaming, and to breathe deeply.

I have a post it on my fridge that reminds me that when life gets in the way, it’s actually all part of the journey. It’s a quote from Winston Churchill: "If you are going through hell, keep going." We’re all here for a purpose, and you and I are right where we are supposed to be for the What’s next? in our lives. Imagine that!

So let’s do this together: Let’s take the step, let’s live the adventure, and remember it’s the journey that matters. This book is not a path controlled by shoulds, musts, or need tos. It is a virtual spa for you and about you. It’s support to get where you’re going, no sooner, no quicker, probably with no less struggle, but with a sense of purpose, hope, and wonder for the What’s next? If you must take this journey alone, then so be it. Many have gone solo before you and me. It can be extremely lonely at times when others misunderstand and overlook us.

This, too, shall pass, and there is an adventure before us; it is our journey together.

So let’s agree to do it together with others who know the pain of that loneliness and the daunting challenge of what single parents are daring to do. Let’s hold hands, share resources, accept help, and give simple gifts out of our humble trove.

You are here, and how you got here isn’t the issue just now. You are on the path of single parenting and you are not as alone as you once thought. We can do it together, as the wonderful old fable of stone soup suggests. I have the water, and the pot, oh and the stone, who has the meat? Anyone got some veggies? It will be a unique and delicious soup, and maybe someone will bring some bread and make it a meal. We all contribute, we all accept what others have to offer and we all encourage - not quickly offering advice, but demonstrating openness to each other by sharing our struggles. No, we are not alone. This, too, shall pass, and there is an adventure before us; it is our journey together.

1

Embracing your quirks

During my many years as a starving artist and rejected creative person, I retreated often to naps to restore my sanity.

-- Sark in

Change Your Life Without Getting Out of Bed

WHAT do you want to be when you grow up?

What DO you want to be when you grow up?

What do YOU want to be when you grow up?

What do you WANT to be when you grow up?

What do you want TO be when you grow up?

What do you want to BE when you grow up?

What do you want to be WHEN you grow up?

What do you want to be when YOU grow up?

What do you want to be when you GROW up?

What do you want to be when you grow UP?

I love this question: What do you want to be when you grow up? My kids answered it many times while they were growing up: A clown-cop, a hair-doer and grandpa (because he operates backhoes and other heavy equipment). Our answers change many times throughout life. Stuff happens. Things get in the way, the unanticipated strikes, and dreams get frustrated.

One of my dreams was to get married and raise my kids on a farm, and I was able to do that until a contingency I never would have anticipated waylaid me. You see, I was told the thing to do was to grow up, get married, and have a family. I was told I would be able to count on my husband to support me. I was told by many not to pursue my other dream of being a teacher, because when I graduated, there was a surplus. I usually did as I was told. I did what others expected me to do. I didn’t do what I wanted, instead, I did what was right, according to others. I let everyone stomp on my dreams because I was a good girl and didn’t want to challenge well-meaning advice. Then my marriage ended.

What I’ve discovered since then is that people offer advice freely, but they don’t always consider the potential impact of those words. (I’ve been guilty of this advice-giving myself.) I also discovered that sometimes the people who love us most try to discourage us from dreams, not out of hate, but because they love us.

Right out of high school, I was looking forward to going to college. I was accepted at a school that looked right for me, but then I ran out of money. So I went to work at a job that, at the time, I thought would be fulfilling. Eventually, I grew to hate the position because I was just too unaware to know what I wanted to be, or what I wanted to do, or if I was even good at anything. Finally, when I was 21, I started thinking about being a disc jockey.

You see, when I was a little girl, I was given a transistor radio that I loved. I took that little box everywhere - the beach, the store, the neighbor’s, and even to bed with me. I kept listening until I fell asleep or the batteries went dead. I loved that little red transistor, and I had a favorite radio personality called Sunshine Sherry on the Seattle radio station KJR. She was living the life I dreamed of. It seemed like she was always driving around town, handing out concert and game tickets or KJR bumper stickers. It sounded fun to be recognized and to have little ways to make people’s lives happier.

She wasn’t a DJ, though. I never even dreamed about being a DJ because I’d never heard of a woman having that job. People said it took a special kind of voice to be on the air. I just assumed that women didn’t have the kind of voice people wanted to listen to, so being a DJ was definitely not on my radar. Still, I knew I loved my little transistor radio, and I loved the glamour of the radio world. One day, I was asking why not questions. You know, like, Why can’t a woman be president? Or an astronaut? Or a major leaguer...Or a disc jockey? So I started to think about the possibilities of becoming a DJ. Why couldn’t a woman do it?

Willing to be a pioneer, I started investigating inroads to the radio world, and found out there was a school that taught broadcasting in downtown Seattle. Before I knew it, I was enrolled, and that’s how my career started. I found out that there really were other women doing radio –I’d just never heard them. That really inspired me. Once I got a job as a DJ, I felt unstoppable. I was doing what I loved without even realizing at the time that it was a childhood dream, because when I was a child it didn’t seem like even a remote possibility.

After getting married and having three children, I began wondering about a career I could do at home. I thought about what I did well, and what I enjoyed. What I came up with was, I love helping people discover what they need to do! Yes, I loved giving advice, but I also loved listening and asking questions. This was the sort of thing counselors do, so I decided I that should be a counselor.

A friend who knew something about the field of psychology challenged me. She didn’t tell me not to do it, but asked what I would enjoy about it. Based on my responses, she suggested that maybe this wasn’t really what I was looking for. (But then, what about this talent for asking good questions?) She wanted to know more of what my desires were, and she helped me to be open to other options.

I like to talk too much, listen, give advice, encourage people (I was a cheerleader after all) and solve problems. Then one day I found it.

I read an article in a magazine about something called a life coach. It described perfectly what I was good at and enjoyed. I knew right away this was what I wanted. I’m still learning what it means not to give advice, but rather offer up suggestions now and then. Can you believe people don’t want unsolicited advice?

My second career was another dream without a name or a possibility. Life coaching was a new field that was just beginning to gain recognition. I realized I had been trying to cram my talents and passions into an already named field that fit in some ways, but not in others. But I kept searching, and the doors finally opened. With more maturity, I realized that my dreams were important, and could be nurtured with good counsel, patience, and curiosity.

Armed with an awareness of what I love to do, and trained with good techniques of engagement, I meet people all the time who open up about their unfulfilled dreams. I get to the root of their frustration and offer encouragement and ideas. Susan and I met at a single mom’s get-together, and she told me she always wanted to be a nurse, but had to settle for something else that she didn’t enjoy. I asked her what she thought it was that kept her from pursuing that original dream, and she told me she could never be a nurse because she was bad at math.

I asked if she had ever considered taking a math course to improve her skills. What she said next was appalling, even more so because it’s such a common experience. Her high school math teacher advised her to never get a job that involved numbers, because she would never make it. Another dream thwarted, by a well-meaning (or lazy) teacher.

Blessed are those who have never settled for the negative messages given to them by teachers and other authorities from their childhoods.

Blessed are those who have never settled for the negative messages given to them by teachers and other authorities from their childhoods. I have an artist who opened a garage studio for others to come and do art projects and workshops. Throughout her adult life, she has always incorporated art into whatever field she was working. She influenced many lives in her little garage. Seeing her passion, it was hard to imagine that her high school art teacher told her to forget about a career in art, because she had no talent. Which of her own dreams did that art teacher have to kill to be able to abdicate the teachers’ calling of inspiring students?

I’m not a singer; I’m embarrassed to sing, even in church. I try to sing quietly so no one around me can hear. I’m fine to use my voice to speak on the radio, but singing? No. When I was young, I was told by an adult that my singing was terrible. I was silenced by a dream thwarter!

These days, I have a voice teacher who insists I can sing. Does that mean I want a career doing it? No, but singing is good for the soul, no matter what your skill level. Engaging in music and the other arts is a big part of the joy of life. It is more than a cliché that everyone is an artist. So who do these art police think they are?

No one has the right to project such harmful life sentences onto others. So you don’t draw well. You may still be creative! Don’t have a soulful singing voice? You can still play the blues on the radio. I’m so happy that the Creator God gave us voices to be heard and hands to make handiwork to be shared and enjoyed. Technical perfection isn’t even in the equation.

Life is a journey, and we can fight it or embrace it.

I may be a good singer, but when I sing, alone, in my car where no one can hear me, it makes me happy. Singing brings me joy, even if my singing doesn’t bring joy to anyone else on this earth. My only regret is that I could have been singing all those years instead of self-consciously avoiding the possibility that someone might hear…and cringe. And hey! It turns out my singing voice isn’t that bad after all!

A friend of mine wanted to be a speaker ever since she was a little girl, but she was told she couldn’t make money at it. Boy, were they wrong! She paid no attention to the naysayers and started selling at trade shows. You know, It slices; it dices… and comes with these Ginsu knives! Using her voice and humor, she discovered that she was a sales woman extraordinaire.

She loved to sing, and had aspirations of being an international performer. They said she couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. But she took voice lessons and made a music CD. Meanwhile, she built a home business. She created an innovative way of booking speaking and performance gigs to maximize people’s exposure and increase sales of whatever they were offering. Eventually, she booked some gigs for others overseas, and realized she still really loved speaking herself - almost as much as being a singer.

So Dawn Jones turned her excellent booking system into a CD and a book, and went on the road with The Booking Workshop. Now, she speaks not only for her own company, but for motivational sales companies. She’s having the time of her life.

I wish everyone could tune out the naysayers, but those negative voices are quite powerful. Most of us need the encouragement of someone who believes in us, but sometimes, even that isn’t enough.

I had a client who wanted to write a novel. She had an excellent idea for a story, but something always got in the way. She chose to stop her coaching appointments with me, and I was sad that she let the negative gremlins talk her out of writing. I had to accept the fact that this wasn’t her time. Still, it is never too late, and I hope she’ll find her way.

There’s a lot to be said for timing and life learning along the way. Sometimes we hear stories of people who achieve their dreams very quickly and think we should be able to get similar results. For me, it’s been a struggle with many building steps along the way. I’m still learning to live in the moment and watch life unfold. I’m such an anticipator that I often can’t wait for what’s next.

When I was a DJ, it was hard to wait for a song to finish, because I was so excited to play the next one! As a hopeless anticipator, I just want to get out, move on, or get to the dream, minus the journey. Looking back, I see the importance of the lessons offered.

At the time, though, I only saw them as diversions: a divorce that put my plans on hold, followed by a job with a scary boss who made working hours miserable. But I learned a computer program at that job that was essential for my what’s next.

I couldn’t see the lessons then; I just wanted to be done. Finally, the anger and frustration from feeling stuck motivated me to revive my dream. Life is a journey, and we can fight it or embrace it.

Life is uncertain, and we can be frustrated or resentful – or, find a way to have faith and wonder how it will all play out I wish I would have embraced this concept sooner. It is amazing to me to begin to be okay with uncertainty. We can worry about the uncertainty of our lives, or we can choose to wonder. Worry has given me gray hair and indigestion. Wonder has given me hope and peace.

Worry has given me gray hair and indigestion. Wonder has given me hope and peace.

I would like to say that all of my clients have identified their dreams and are on their way. But the truth is that most of them are in process and some of them drop out or take a time out. We can all live with good enough. Some of us choose to stay there, and that’s okay. In fact, it’s better than just okay, because at least we have dreams. We have choices. When life gets in the way or we come up against obstacles, challenges, and dream crushers, we can say Enough, or keep pushing on. Reviving the dream is not so much about living the dream as it is about discovering who you are, what you love, and what your purpose is. It’s discovering or uncovering your greatness - what you were you created for. The question