The Journey Back to Me

By Lolo

Abuse, violence, cancer, trials, tribulations, and tragedy know no color or creed or gender. They attack people in and from every walk of life. What you do to change the tide of potential damage is up to you. In The Journey Back to Me, author Lolo helps you gain the inspiration, courage, and dedication to God and self to combat obstacles that come against you. Through her personal story, she shows how you can change your life for the better purpose.

Lolo narrates how, following an early life of abuse and mistreatment that manifested itself in future relationships and a host of trust issues, she overcame years of abuse, molestation, rape, abandonment, teen pregnancy, divorces, and many other issues to become a powerful force.

A story of a journey through hell into happiness and peace in life, this memoir and workbook follows Lolo as she finds her most authentic self. She shares how she used those obstacles as stepping stones to heal, thrive, and help others do the same.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Dec 21, 2017
• ISBN: 9781532037955

Lolo

Lolo is a veteran educator, author, singer, model, and a plethora of other things. She has published eight books covering genres such as religion, education, relationships (singleness), and self-help. Lolo has two grown children and a grandson. She lives in Houston, Texas.

Book preview

ENDORSEMENTS

To All Concerned-

I, for one, do not openly endorse things as a norm. This book is an exception to those thoughts. This book is an amazing journey through hell into happiness and peace in life for the author Lolo.

Abuse, violence, cancer, trials, tribulations and tragedy know no color or creed or gender. They attack any and all persons in and from every walk of life. What you do to change the tide of potential damage is up to you and in this book you will gain the inspiration, courage and dedication to God and self to combat obstacles that come against you. You CAN change your life for the better purpose. This book will be your role model to that change.

Read this book. Smile, laugh and cry during her journey. I did and I know her and a lot of what she has been through. Let this book mentor you to a stronger you with God and yourself. It takes a lot of work, but the end as you will see is well worth it.

Be a survivor. Be a breakthrough in your own life. Be your own healing process through devotion with God. Be your own journal writer and use those notes to better your own place and person.

May His blessings abound on all who read this book and take the lessons given to show you that you can change your life. Not just for the glory of God, but for your glory as well.

God bless you,

Lolo’s Life Coach

The Journey

Back to

Me

LOLO

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THE JOURNEY BACK TO ME

Copyright © 2017 Lolo.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

I have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from my memories of them. In order to maintain their anonymity in some instances I have changed the names of individuals and places, I may have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties, occupations and places of residence. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

iUniverse

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5320-3796-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5320-3795-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017918047

iUniverse rev. date: 12/20/2017

CONTENTS

Endorsements

Dedication

Epigraph

Book Foreword

Preface

Acknowledgements

Introduction

1 Daughter-Mom And Dad

Chapter Foreword by (My Dad)

The Journey Continues…

2 Sister

Chapter Foreword by (my brother)

The Journey Continues…

3 Student- My first real teacher

Chapter Foreword-My Dedication to My first real teacher

The Journey Continues…

4 Impartation-My first church experience

Chapter Foreword-A childhood Friend

The Journey Continues…

5 Step daughter

Chapter Foreword

The Journey Continues…

6 Military Brat-Europe

Chapter Foreword by (my brother)

The Journey Continues…

7 Friend to the Friendless-Using me to get to my Brother

Chapter Foreword by (my brother)

The Journey Continues…

8 Victim to Victim-Rape to Promiscuity

Chapter Foreword

The Journey Continues…

9 Companion to the Abandoned-My brother Left for College

Chapter Foreword

The Journey Continues…

10 Deserted and Desolate-The mental hospital

Chapter Foreword by (my brother)

The Journey Continues…

11 To Fill a Void- Derrick and My daughter

Chapter Foreword by (my brother)

The Journey Continues…

12 Against My Will but We Made It!-Birth of my son

Chapter Foreword by my son

The Journey Continues…

13 Rise Up-left Derrick

Chapter Foreword by My daughter

The Journey Continues…

14 Step Up-New Life in Texas

Chapter Foreword by My best ex-husband

The Journey Continues…

15 Failed to Flourishing-Rape and Sending Kids Away

Chapter Foreword

The Journey Continues…

16 From Content to Confused- The best ex-husband and my first woman

Chapter Foreword by My best ex-husband

The Journey Continues…

17 Sexual Whirlwind-All the Ladies

Chapter Foreword by My daughter

Chapter Foreword by my son

The Journey Continues…

18 Just Not Sure-Bisexuality

Chapter Foreword by Close confidant

The Journey Continues…

2005-2006 Woman (My first woman)

2006-2008 Single

2008-2009 My third woman

2009 Single

2010-Single/Husband #3 (Man)

2010-2013- Single/The Pastor/ The Musician (Both)

19 Upside Down-Plane Crash

Chapter Foreword by (my brother)

Chapter Foreword by The Musician

The Journey Continues…

20 Abuse and Abnormal Use- The Musician

Chapter Foreword by Lolo’s Life Coach

The Journey Continues…

1. Intensity

2. Jealousy

3. Control

4. Isolation

5. Criticism

6. Sabotage

7. Blame

8. Anger

21 Season of Separation Solidified- Moved to my new city

Chapter Foreword by Close confidant

The Journey Continues…

Work

Home life

22 The Great Set Up-Cancer

Chapter Foreword by Lolo’s Life Coach

Chapter Foreword by (my brother)

The Journey Continues…

23 Dating Distraction- Compulsive Dating

Chapter Foreword by my cancer caretaker

The Journey Continues…

24 The Great Reunion-My daughter comes home

Chapter Foreword by My daughter

The Journey Continues…

25 Destroyed-False Engagement and Heartbreak

Chapter Foreword

The Journey Continues…

26 Back to Me-Rediscovering my Goals Chapter Foreword by Lolo Again, A Gain

The Journey Continues…

27 The Reconciliations of My Life and the Occurrences Therein

From Life to Lifestyle

Lifestyle + Occurrence = Life Changing Experience

Life-Changing Experiences vs. Life-Altering Experiences

My Lord vs. My Master = My Reality

Experience + Revelation =Expectation

Expectation + Exploration = Manifestation of Revelation

My Reality vs. My Relationship

Reconciliation vs. Revelation

28 Accomplishments- The Layers of my

Being Foreword by A close friend

The Journey Continues…

29 Who I have Become

The Dichotomy of Being Moma’s Girl

30 Preacher

Chapter Foreword by (my brother)

How/Why Did I Become A Preacher?

31 Singer

How/Why Did I Become A Singer?

32 Mother

Chapter Foreword by My daughter

Chapter Foreword by my son

33 Comedienne

Foreword by Lolo’s Coworker/Fan

How/Why Did I Become A Christian Comedienne?

34 Recording Artist

How/Why Did I Become A Recording Artist?

35 Worship Leader

Chapter Foreword by my late worshipping partner in crime

How/Why Did I Become A Worship Leader?

36 Youth Mentor

37 Pageant Winner

38 Model

39 Author

Foreword by Lolo’s Bossman

How/Why Did I Become an Author?

40 Educator

Foreword by Mrs. Lolo’s Coworker/Fan

41 Grandma

42 Entrepreneur

Chapter Foreword by My daughter

Chapter Foreword by my son

43 Rising Again

Epilogue

Afterword

Embracing the Journey: 40 days of Filling in the Blanks of Your Life

Day One

Day Two

Day Three

Day Four

Day Five

Day Six

Day Seven

Day Eight

Day Nine

Day Ten

Day Eleven

Day Twelve

Day Thirteen

Day Fourteen

Day Fifteen

Day Sixteen

Day Seventeen

Day Eighteen

Day Nineteen

Day Twenty

Day Twenty One

Day Twenty Two

Day Twenty Three

Day Twenty Four

Day Twenty Five

Day Twenty Six

Day Twenty Seven

Day Twenty Eight

Day Twenty Nine

Day Thirty

Day Thirty One

Day Thirty Two

Day Thirty Three

Day Thirty Four

Day Thirty Five

Day Thirty Six

Day Thirty Seven

Day Thirty Eight

Day Thirty Nine

Day Forty

Conclusion

About the Author

DEDICATION

This complete effort is dedicated to my late mother

1949-1993

I now understand that you did the best that you could with what you had.

And…

EPIGRAPH

I MADE IT!

Understanding your journey means understanding your value because from adversity comes advancement.

- Lolo

BOOK FOREWORD

I decided to write my own foreword for this book because of all of the books that I have written, this book is the nearest and dearest to my heart. From this work came a lot of healing, mending, deliverance and being set free. I never thought in a million years that I would, could, or should write a book about my life, but now I would recommend it for everyone. Sometimes this is all that you need to look back and thank God for where you have been.

Not everyone is fortunate enough to speak about the places that they have been and the things that they have been through from a place of healing. I wrote this book for my children and most of all for my grandchild/grandchildren. If I am never able to tell them what I have been through and peruse through pictures with them and tell them from whence they came, they will always have this book.

Another reason that I wrote this book is to help the millions of people out there who struggle with some of my same issues that I have overcome. I would that this book can serve as a testimony that if I made it you can make it too. God is no respecter of person and what he done for me, he will do for you as well.

The final reason that I wrote this book is for me. This book has enabled me to bring closure to a lot of events and occurrences in my life to allow me to experience a rebirth from a place of healing and deliverance from the bondages of my past. It also helped me to see the evolution of relationships that I have had in my life from the one with my immediate family to others such as friends, foes and even past lovers.

Through this work God has done an amazing thing and I hope that you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.

God Bless and Enjoy,

-Lolo

PREFACE

All of my life I have wandered through life wondering, Why am I so different? My thoughts, my actions, my beliefs, my rationale for life are vastly different than the next person. I am an avid researcher, I am committed to lifelong learning, I love ministering, I love singing, I love people to a certain extent, but at the same time I am a loner. I have presented myself to the world in the fullness of myself, as I knew it, only to encounter people who accept this part of me and neglect the other parts. For example, people would fall in love with the comedienne and expect me to always be in funny mode, but they don’t understand the intricacies of a comedienne is the not so funny pains that they feel in the core of their being that are masked with their comedic elements. On the other hand, people would be attracted to the preacher in me and then when I make a mistake or want to go have a drink, then they think that I am phony or unsaved. I don’t even want to mention the intellectual side of me that everyone loves, but then when it comes to matters such as street lingo and other concepts that just don’t make sense to me, then I am judged as naïve and unintelligent or even worse, weak.

With these revelations, I came to the conclusion that if people were to accept all of me then they must know all of me. In order for them to know all of me, then I must discover all of me and share it, withholding nothing. With that in mind, God birthed this book, The Journey Back to Me as a tool for people who desire to know me and be used as an additional tool for them to get to know themselves. We become so that others may become as well. Our life journeys are not selfish because every storm that we go through is not for us, but that we may be able to relate and understand others in a manner of identification, as well as sharing the manners in which we overcome in an effort to help them to become better as well, even if it means us growing together. These are that truths that are not taught in school or church but must be understood in order for you to live your best, most authentic life.

Writing this book, reading this book and implementing the practices of its sister book, Embracing the Journey: 40 days of Filling in the Blanks of Your Life will save some thousands of dollars in medical bills and therapy costs because, if the truth be told, a lot of our health issues are related to the irritation, aggravation and debilitative ignorance of who we are. This does us a disservice and often forces us to fall prey to the satanic attacks of the memories of our past that cause us to feel victimized by this thing that we call life. Then we encounter preachers who tell us we are the head and not the tail, above and not beneath but we are buried in the sands of our being and don’t know which is heads or tails. So ultimately we fall into the antics of shouting over it, and praying for it without the revelation that in order to triumph we must first confront it.

Confronting our past and present will propel us to prepare for our future and to bless others in the process. This book is very personal but shares some divine revelations in the process. Whether Christian or other, saved or unsaved, black or white, we all have layers to discover and prayerfully this book will bless you to discover them in a productive manner that will push you forward to understand that you are not a victim but truly an overcomer and you will help others overcome by you living your authentic truth and as a result enjoying your best life. Forever the Victim? I don’t think so! It’s just another layer of greatness developing.

Each chapter of this book is significant to a period in my life. There is a foreword for each chapter written by an instrumental person in my life for that season. Then I continue telling you about the journey. Every chapter is closed with a divine revelation for that season and that is the thing that I learned looking back and is symbolic for the closure that I needed to complete that chapter in my life never to look back at it again.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to take this time to acknowledge my family and loved ones who have helped me through this work. Thanks to my brother, my original hero, thank you for allowing me to share my truth and supporting me through this. To my family for not taking offense to the truth that was real and significant to me. To my children and my grandbaby who gave of their time with me during this process, but loved me through the dark times I had to remember to get through this process. To my life coaches thanks for being on standby. Yes, I had three professional people to see me through this craziness called my life as well as a host of Facebook family and friends. To my best friend for life, for pushing me through when I thought that I couldn’t. I love you all to the moon and back.

INTRODUCTION

Here she is! The little girl that mom said she always wanted. January 11, 1975, the day that she so anxiously awaited, never knowing the responsibility that came with me, nor understanding the power of a name, she only knew that she wanted different for me than the tumultuous life she had. From what I understand she had an expectation of me before I was born. If only she knew the revelation of the words that spoke, To whom much is given, much is required. She didn’t understand that what she spoke over me were words spoken which equated to seeds being planted. The problem was that she wasn’t equipped to handle the fullness of who I was, who she wanted and who God called me to be. Like the children of Israel, it took me forty years to get the revelation of this truth. Brace yourself for the road ahead called, my life!

I was born in Oklahoma. It seems that a child should always have a safe haven where they can always feel safe but I don’t ever remember ever feeling that arc of safety except when I was in school and sometimes church. I can only recall what I remember.

I remember seeing pictures of my brother dressed in wigs because my mother was said to have this yearning for a little girl. The rest of my life, prior to my memories, was filled in by a family friend.

I was told that my mother wanted me to be the little girl she wished she could be, but she treated me like she was treated as a girl. She never told me I was pretty. I never felt like I was good enough. I never felt that I could do anything right except sing and be smart, but that was not enough. Because of these truths and experiences, even to this day, I seek affirmation and have become a shade tree but blatant overachiever.

Put your seatbelts on and get ready for this ride on the Journey Back to Me.

Divine Revelation

This book is in no way intended to persecute anyone. This is my truth that I walk in and live every single day. There are a number of names that have been changed for the purposes of protecting their identity but changing their name does not change my truth. I do not apologize for my experience, nor do I seek validation. This is my life and my experience told from my point of view.

1

DAUGHTER-MOM AND DAD

Chapter Foreword by (My Dad)

I thought that my proudest moment of my daughter was the day that she was born when I rushed through traffic with all lights on to witness her birth. She was my first biological child and we were bonded at conception. Our first obstacle was when the military had stationed me in Germany and I had to fight and win to get my compassion reassignment to be stationed to stay in Oklahoma until after she was born. Even though I was adopted by family members, I always knew I wanted different for my children. Even though there were limitations placed on me in reference to my access to Lolo, not by the courts, but by her mom, I was determined to be a part of her life. I knew all too well the feelings of not being able to wake up on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day to greet anyone and I wanted to always be there from the start to the finish of her life.

When I see, hear or think of my daughter I become even more proud. She has the same drive that I have and never achieves enough; she always seeks to expand herself. She is definitely a clone of me, from her looks to her actions. I remember watching a video of her in her office and I saw the wall behind her with all of her degrees and accomplishments, and I turned and looked at my wall and said, Like father, like daughter.

If I had to give her any advice it would be to keep thinking forward and to continue being the best that she can be in all that she does. Most of all I want her to continue to love with passion and remember that there are a lot of things that occurred in her life that she didn’t create, it was created for her and you have to love with passion to get past it.

I was so happy that despite our past Lolo asked me to give her away at her wedding and I remember the day she walked across the stage to get one of her degrees. My heart was beating with joy and love knowing that she was my child. Lolo, I love you, I am so proud of you and you will always be daddy’s little girl!

The Journey Continues…

Because of the fact that my mother was a single mom, life was never easy. As a child I never remember her complaining about the struggle in all actuality, she always made life seem easy for her. I knew that my mom had a special type of hatred for my dad, but I never understood why and even to this day I still don’t understand it though at times I do get an inkling. I feel now that as a child I should have never been provided that information nor her feelings, but she always made it abundantly clear how much she hated him.

I remember one time that he came to town and she made a big deal about it and threatened to have him arrested. I remember my Aunt B would always tell him whenever my brother and I would come to Texas to visit. One time she told my dad and he came to get me and my brother and took us shopping to get some clothes. Somehow my mother found out and was on the next thing smoking to come and get us and take us back. She was angry with my aunt for that reason, again I was lost. This type of behavior was typical for her and only lead to a resentful relationship between us. She made sure that she never let it be a secret how much she hated my father and how much looking at me made her sick because I looked just like him. I never knew that I had a choice.

I remember that no matter what I did, if I messed up her response was always the same, You think that shit color is going to get you somewhere? You ain’t going to be shit just like the color that you are. I wanted so bad to be dark like her and my brother so I wouldn’t stand out and maybe, just maybe she would love me too like she loved my brother.

Many years later, as an adult, I found a picture of my parents. It is the only picture that I ever saw of them together. It is near and dear to my heart because it is the only sense of normalcy that I have ever seen between the two of them. I never knew that they had so many secrets between the two of them which is what caused so much resentment that neither of them explored nor expressed.

I remember one day my brother and I was having a huge fight about whose father was the best. We went round and round and finally my mom stepped in and asked what we were fighting about and I told her and I will never forget the actions that followed. The picture is still so clear in my mind to this day. It was a Saturday night, I had on my favorite orange nightgown and my hair was rolled in the old school pink rollers. My mom brought us in the living room and sat us down at her feet while she sat on the couch. She looked me in my seven year old eyes and said, Yes, his dad is better than yours because every time we go to Texas to visit, he gives me money. I was flabbergasted to say the least. How could someone be so mean and hateful? I knew that I was wise beyond my years when my response was, Well my daddy can’t be too bad since he gave him his whole name and he is not his son. The slap that followed resounded through the universe. That day changed the fiber of my being forever.

I later found out my mother was deeply in love with my brother’s father, even though they were related. Not to mention they all looked alike and as usual I was the odd ball out. This issue of discrimination in my home made my desire to meet my father even more important to me because I had so many questions in my head. Events like this happened often which made me often feel alone and neglected by my mom and they also drove a wedge between the two of us that would last a lifetime. I knew that I had to find a refuge for myself to overcome all of the bottled up feelings that I had inside of me so I turned to reading. I didn’t just read normal books but I read encyclopedias and I was obsessed with the dictionary. I would be so obsessed with learning that it often got me into trouble.

Somehow, now in my adult mind, I believe that I was looking for words to articulate the pain that I was in because the words I was learning at school were inadequate to describe the magnitude of my pain and confusion. I knew at the end of the day I only wanted to be loved and accepted and this yearning would last me a lifetime.

Divine Revelation

My mother’s declaration that day made me amend my desire to just have two children. Now I made my prayer more specific. I now stated that I was going to have two children and they would have the same father and we would be married forever.

2

SISTER

Chapter Foreword by (my brother)

I can remember it like it was yesterday, the date was January 11th 1975, when mom brought you home. I was so happy and thrilled! I had a baby sister, friend, and play mate. I can remember crying when people would hold you I would tell mom to tell them to put my baby down.

We have been through so much together. We had a rough start with our parents going through the stuff they were going through. There were times that I use to hate having to take you with me everywhere I went. As we grew up, I use to practice my wrestling moves on you as you got older.

As life went on we experienced so many ups and downs with mom having her set of male suitors and health problems but I tried to make sure you didn’t have to see and deal with that foolishness as much as I could. This made our bond so much stronger.

The Journey Continues…

All of my life I knew that my brother was loved because she always told him. See it was just me, my mom and my brother for the majority of my life, though she was married several times. I was told by my mom that she was a registered nurse and I was too young to question it. I just remember her going to work at the hospital and my brother being my primary caretaker.

I will never forget that my brother was obsessed with wrestling and so we would always watch it and I always knew that when it went off that he was going to try those moves on me. Sometimes it would be so bad that the neighbor would come and take me out of the house before my brother killed me and she would tell my mom when she got home what happened, but I never remember anything ever