Marriage Is Not a Vision It Is a Strategy: Applying Business Principles to Modern-Day Marriage

By Etim Uso

There is no doubt that the marriage institution has been disrupted in many ways. Infidelity, divorce, domestic violence,
and same-sex marriage are some of the visible signs. However, the human and economic tolls arising from this disruption
go far beyond what we can readily see.
You have probably read or heard all the things the Bible says about marriage; you still remember all the things your
parents or your pastor told you about marriage, and maybe, you have also tried out some of the recipes for a happy and
successful marriage. Most of what has been written and said about marriage come from good husbands and good
wives who are happily married and are too careful to rock the boat. They keep to the beaten track even when it is
obvious that things are not working according to the general prescriptions and assumptions.
Now, what about those things you have never heard? I mean those things that could contradict some of your cherished
doctrines and beliefs? Yes, you believe in marriage vows, you believe in one manone wife marriages; perhaps, you were
also given a set of rules on love, submission in marriage, or the formula for a successful marriage. You were probably
told the type of people you should marry and those you should notbased on their backgrounds. Maybe you know
nothing at all about all these. Never mind!
Nothing will shield you from the vicissitudes of marriage; there is no absolute guarantee against failure. But you can
reduce your odds of failure by acting consciously and proactively, and by taking your time to find out and understand
who you are, your purpose and vision in life, before making the strategic decision of who to marry.
What is the goal of marriage? And how do the requirements for running a successful business differ from those of having
a successful marriage? This book is an attempt to develop a general framework for marriage based on proven business
principles and guided by scriptural precepts. The central theme in this book is that marriage should be approached as a
strategy for achieving a larger goala means to an end and not an end in itself. And since the success of any strategy
depends on two key factorsplanning and executionthe materials in this book can be classified into two broad
categories, namely, planning and execution of marriage as a strategy.
However, the book comes with some curious icing on the cake:
Every love is driven by need, and love that is devoid of attraction is nothing but kindness.
Love, though necessary, is not a sufficient condition for marriage.
Infidelity is a liberal ground for divorce when compared to some of the evils plaguing marriages in our society today.
Adultery is not extramarital affair.
Wedding vows make a deity of marriage and invalidates Gods divine grace on marriage.
There is nothing sinful about polygamy, and there is no virtue or holiness in celibacy.
If you are tired of reading marriage cookbooks written by good husbands and good wives and their hunky-dory
marriages, then you will find this book a welcome break. However, the book could set husbands against their wives and
wives against husbands, but it has a higher potential to unite sincere husbands and wives around a common vision that
can bring lasting happiness and fulfillment to their marriages.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 7, 2017
• ISBN: 9781543461398

Book preview

Copyright © 2017 by Etim Uso.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2017916499

ISBN:      Hardcover      978-1-5434-6137-4

                Softcover      978-1-5434-6138-1

                eBook         978-1-5434-6139-8

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

NKJV – New King James Version

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Rev. date: 11/06/2017

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CONTENTS

Preface

Prologue: Not with My Blood!

1    Farewell from Eden

2    The Broken Chalice

3    Know Your Purpose and Identity

4    Where Do You Want to Go?

5    Love: Trinity of Need, Attraction and Emotion

6    Love: Necessary but Not Sufficient

7    Marriage Is a Strategy

8    Marriage in The Dock

9    The Curse of Marriage Vows

10    The Conundrum of Same-Sex Marriage

11    The Formula For a Successful Marriage

Epilogue: The Old Rugged Cross and Decrepit Tablets of Stone

To My Three Boys:

Ini, Emmanuel and Uduak

Preface

Almost all aspects of our lives have been disrupted by technological innovations and the information revolution. While some institutions and businesses have responded with smart solutions that have helped them adjust to current realities and remain relevant other institutions have chosen to resist or deny the devastating consequences of these disruptions. Those who resist change have always preferred to retreat inside their cocoon, where they live in constant denials, until they are finally swept away by the heavy current of change.

The Bible has told us how marriage was instituted by God from the beginning of creation for a good purpose, and with specific rules and guidelines to regulate the institution. But the divine guidelines have been disrupted, largely, because of the changed roles of the modern woman. The walls of the hallowed institution are collapsing and the debris is everywhere: infidelity, divorce, domestic violence, under-age marriage, same-sex marriage, etc. What used to work so well for our grandparents and great-grandparents are not working anymore; it appears we are no longer sure of anything as some of the rules now sound like innuendoes and insults in the ears of many.

It is not just the myriad of disasters and challenges buffeting the marriage institution that is worrisome; the collective apathy and near cynicism emanating from some quarters are even more troubling. It appears most of us have already been conditioned to accept marriage as something that is tough and messy as marriage has become the butt of many cruel and bizarre jokes and epithets. Marriage was meant to be enjoyed, so it is not right for us to accept these contortions in a sort of fatalistic way.

However, for us to truly and fully enjoy the benefits of marriage in today’s world, we need to unhinge ourselves a little from religious and traditional mores and align marriage with the needs and demands of the present time, and in line with God’s purpose for our lives and mankind. Such an alignment will have to acknowledge and accommodate the changed roles of women in the modern society.

We have come to rely so much on spiritual weapons in this marital warfare, with no meaningful option for rational thinking and practical actions, even while the very ‘elects’ are falling by the wayside. Sure, there is need to fast and pray for our marriages, but we also need to equip ourselves with scientific facts and modern methods. Perhaps, the problem may not be as spiritual as we think, and neither is it due to God’s refusal to answer our prayers. The problem may have more to do with our refusal to do those things that God has already equipped and empowered us to do.

The words, Vision, Mission and Strategy are often associated with business and corporate entities, but I have come to discover that these words simply prompt us for answers to the following fundamental questions:

a) Where do you want to go?

b) What will you do when you get there?

c) How do you intend to get there?

These questions are not only important in the business context, they are also fundamentally important to other areas of human endeavors. This book is an attempt to develop a general and empirical framework for marriage based on proven business principles, and guided by scriptural precepts. This is the outcome of a journey by one man who is honest enough to admit his own shortcomings in marriage. Instead of retreating quietly to lick his wounds, he has decided to use his experience as a springboard to seek practical and honest solutions to the problems of marriage by beaming the light on those areas many will not dare.

The marriage institution may have been battered; nevertheless, it is still thriving, with many still lining up to go in, even as many others are eager to come out. However, available statistics has shown that the number of people that are getting married is going down every year globally. Some countries have resorted to offering incentives to its citizens to make babies due to declining population, and majority of these children are likely to be born out of wedlock. This is more than a warning signal that something radical needs to be done urgently.

Unless we do something to restore people’s faith in marriage we may be forced to choose between having a nation full of good husbands and good wives or the one full of great men and great women. The only way we can have both is if we consciously align marriage with our strategic vision and purpose in life. Our present model of marriage is too narrow to accommodate our yearning for purpose. Surely, Christ is the only reliable foundation for a successful marriage, but the children of God need to know and understand those worldly rules and methods that can affect their marriages positively or negatively.

There is no general solution to any of man’s numerous problems; we can only formulate principles, framework and algorithms for solving problems. Every practical solution requires some degree of customization that takes cognizance of personal, spiritual, social, economic, environmental and many other local factors. Oftentimes, we fail so woefully when we adopt a general formula to solve a problem that requires bespoke solution. Marriage may have some general and fundamental requirements, but when it comes to dealing with the challenges of marriage practically there can never be a single silver bullet. We must take all the relevant general and local factors into consideration in order to make sense out of any situation we find ourselves. That is why most of the books we have read, the sermons we have heard, the seminars we have attended may not have been so helpful in changing the situation for good.

Many writers and preachers, especially Christians, are more concerned with finding a truce and not the truth. But any truce that is not based on the truth can only amount to putting a bandage over a septic sore. Kristin Richard, the former wife of Louis Armstrong was quoted as saying that marriage is the greatest conspiracy in history because people are silent about the truth of what is going on. What I have personally discovered is that the Church is the champion of this conspiracy, as they put religious piousness above the wellbeing of men and women.

Marriage is no longer what it used to be, and there is no universal agreement on what it is. But we can we construct a general framework that could provide each of us with a template to create a custom formula for a successful marriage? Most books on marriage are based on rules—the dos and don’ts—required for a successful marriage, but this book is an attempt to construct a principle-based template for building successful marriages. It is my belief that marriage that is based on the principles of shared Vision, Mission and Values that are anchored far above the basement the Maslow’s Pyramid can easily blunt the sharp edges of most marital strife.

We should not just be satisfied with a few successful marriages that are a product of chance or luck (I have heard the phrase, marriage is a matter of luck, more often than I can recall); we should be able to deliberately design and execute successful marriages based on defined and measurable parameters. Besides, our definition of successful marriage is too narrow and selfish. We should not just define a successful marriage in the sense of two people living together for a long time—we should also consider the positive impact of their living together on the society which they belong.

Aligning marriage with our purpose and vision is an important requirement for success and fulfillment. After God created man He gave man dominion over the earth. But afterward, God said, "It is not good that a man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." What God meant was that man will perform incredibly better with a Helper. That was a strategic decision! The Helper is neither your vision nor the purpose for which you were created. If your Helper cannot help you actualize God’s purpose, if your Helper tries to take you away from that purpose, it is most likely you are having romance with the devil.

Prologue:

Not with My Blood!

I went to the business school several years after I had started running my own business. Up to that point, I was driven by raw passion and the zeal to do what I enjoy doing most—finding simple solutions to complex problems. It was this natural ability that made teaching my first love as I was doubling both as a student and a teacher while in the university. Software development was to later offer me almost the same satisfaction as teaching.

Going to the business school marked a turning point in my life because it was at this point I realized that passion and vision can only carry you up to a certain point—not further. It was in the business school I knew about strategy as deliberate moves you must make in order to actualize your vision; business school exposed me to the art, science, and engineering of business. I learned quite a lot, but what the business school did not teach me has had a more tremendous impact on my life and business than what I was taught.

The class was always full of excitements as our teachers thrilled and drilled us, imparting the knowledge we so much desired. Every topic was backed up with cogent case studies that provided practical insight into all the relevant aspects of different businesses. The atmosphere was always cordial and jovial as most of us had mastered the art of wearing amiable visage that gives no clue to whatever may lurk underneath our soul. For some of us, it was obvious that beneath the genial miens were vast oceans steaming with crosscurrents of issues and activities that were not apt topics for business school. There were a few eruptions and hard knocks. The one I cannot forget so easily is that of one elderly lady who, perhaps, out of pity and motherly concern, blurted, "Let me tell some of you here, if you are not careful in choosing the woman you bring into your house as a wife all these your visions and missions will evaporate overnight …"

There was quiet. The young men started looking at the young women, and the young women looked at one another. Nobody said anything as we all trooped out for lunch. This message was meant for those who were not yet married, but for some of us who were already married, it probably sounded more familiar and personal.

For me, this was just too sharp and straight. I was in the middle of a storm—a storm that was erupting intermittently from my bedroom, and was threatening to sink my corporate ship along with my vision and mission. I needed a strategy to calm this storm and keep the ship afloat, but this was a private matter not meant for a business school. So, this was a wrong place to utter a word of it or seek a solution. But unfortunately for me, exactly one year after I graduated from the business school, my corporate ship eventually hit the rock—along with my marriage. I remembered vision, mission, and strategy and then asked myself, Where do I place my marriage in all these?

Before I got the inspiration to write this book, I had been asking myself series of questions that bordered on the relevant of marriage in the society by trying to align what I have been taught about God with what I had experienced in my marriage. As I lied down starring at the white ceiling I could feel the vibrations from the train of thoughts roaring through my mind. What is the goal of marriage? Are individuals free to define their own goals outside what religion and tradition have handed down to us? What is the purpose of life? And can we delineate the goal of marriage from the purpose of life?

Although I am not one of those who can easily impress others by reciting Bible verses to support every argument, I do know the Bible enough to understand and appreciate the love and the grace of God. Based on the premises of love and grace I was unable to justify why God would want to condemn me or anybody to a life of misery and pain just because of one wrong decision.

The quest for answers and solutions made me to join a small Christian fellowship group with the hope of finding solace and spiritual strength. There, I noticed that I was being treated like a strange specimen meant for an experiment with mysterious or pre-determined outcome. While the leadership of the fellowship appeared to have understood my situation, I was constantly being reminded of how God hates divorce. The ambivalence that resulted from my inner convictions and their doctrines was stirring up anger, resentment and rebellion inside me until, eventually, I decided to quit. It later became clear to me that having the opportunity to write down my experiences and thoughts offered me a better way to hear from God, regain my strength and rise above the bigotry and religious legalism that was almost suffocating me.

Not many people will contest the fact that the marriage institution is facing a crisis. We have listened to our parents and the elders; we have listened to our pastors and the clergies. But nothing seems to be changing. We have attended countless seminars, we have read many books, but the situation is still not improving. The situation is not improving because it is the same song, the same story that is being repackaged and recycled. We are administered with a paralyzing mixture of threats and fear that does little or nothing to provide hope or succor to a forlorn soul buffeted by the vicissitudes of marriage.

People don’t just want to be married—they want to be happy and fulfilled, they want to be productive and relevant, because that is how God wants it to be, and because that is the only way they can be useful to the society. Modern marriages are faced with challenges that are at variance with