Grief, Loneliness, and Redemption . . . Sorta

By Bill Jacobks

Grief throws one down into a pit that seems to have no exit. Emotions, violent emotions of loss, loneliness, and grief assault one. Sometimes one can only endure them and cry, no, sob. Sometimes one can laugh at them through ones tears. Thats what these poems are about: laugh, cry, endure, go on to the next day and the next attack of grief. The only hope is hope itselfraw, naked, confusing, terrifying, and ultimately supportive. Read, cry, laugh, cry, and go on living. So it is.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Sep 20, 2017
• ISBN: 9781543451559

Bill Jacobks

Bill Jacobks was native of Chicago, then Austin, Tx where he went to graduate school at the University of Texas in history and political science. He and his wife moved to Muskegon, Mi. where he taught at Muskegon Community College and where his wife was Assistant Financial Aid Director. While at MCC he went to St. John’s Graduate Institute in Santa Fe, NM and received a degree, Master of Liberal Arts. He is retired. His wife died in 2017 and these poems and three other books of poems are the attempt to find a new life without her.

Book preview

Grief, Loneliness

Redemption…

Sorta

Bill Jacobks

Copyright © 2017 by Bill Jacobks.

Library of Congress Control Number:     2017914231

ISBN:                    Softcover                      978-1-5434-5156-6

                              eBook                           978-1-5434-5155-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 09/20/2017

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

767843

CONTENTS

I. A RAW HEART

Am I Mad or Sad?

Not damned, but damned sad

Arrested for Lapsed Grief

II. MY HEART IS BLEEDING TO DEATH

Opening Remarks:

Before Being stabbed in the heart

Lady Farewell

Trying to heal the wound

Need & Despair

The journey, again

My hair is a mess

Goin’ out without a hat

No end

III. GRIEF, FRIENDS, AND MEDICINE

A New Friend

When The Holy Breaks In

Friends In Grief

The Medics: Friends

The Taste Of Tears

The Gift Of Grief

How Odd The Holy Spirit

Listening To C & W

Life The Uroborous

Dr. Grief Wins

Poker With God

Grief Relief

IV. TALKIN’ TO GOD WHEN I AM DRUNK

Do you get drunk, God?

Another drink with God

Oh God, please talk to me.

I Sent a Balloon to God

V. SUPPLICATION AT JOE’S BAR AND GRIEF IN GROUPS

Supplication At Joe’s Bar

Grieving In Groups

VI. ANXIETY’S CHILD: STORY OF A NON-BIRTH

VII. I WANT TO BE A WOMAN: STORY OF A LOST SOUL

VIII. THE DOCTOR TOLD ME MY HEART WAS TOO BIG

I. A Raw Heart

Endorsements in Lieu of a Preface¹

The world owes you no pleasure, love, or honor. We are guests here and must respectfully and humbly act in gratitude. From: The Secret Book of Angels, Chapter LXI, p XIX.

Before television, we had words. From The Book of River Elders, p XXI.

You don’t needs guns, you have words. Ibid.

I saw a grieving heart, and my heart broke. From, The Lost Speeches of Tutankhamen, p IX

Grief breaks your heart so that you can feel human: anger, desire, love. From The Book of the

River Goddess, p CXIX.

Some days are diamonds

Some days are stone

Can’t get those bad days to leave me alone

Uh huh… Uh huh… Oh Yeah

All alone

No one home

Since you went away

I do this and I do that

But I don’t know where I’m at

Some days are diamonds

Some days are stone

Got no one to love

Just a little grace from above

Don’t know if I’ll love again

All it does is rain

Some days are diamonds

Some days are stone

Can’t get those bad days to leave me alone

Uh huh …Uh huh… Oh Yeah

Ok…Ok…Ok

Say it over and over.

May be you’ll believe it.

But, I don’t.

Yet, I have no choice.

So I say with a broken voice.

Ok…Ok…Ok…

Chocolate doesn’t help.

Food’s lost its taste.

Wine just makes me dizzy.

I to turn to prayer,

And find some relief.

Still, there is always grief.

Hershey help me!

Cheeseburgers rescue me!

God forgive me!

Tears dribble down my cheek.

The hole gets bigger.

Tried to fill it in

But the dirt just slipped through

To another universe.

The hole stays empty

Can’t fill it in.

I put on my shoe

Don’t know what else to do.

Get dressed!

Nothin’ else to do.

Pretend its alright.

But inside is night.

Just do!

Something will turn right.

But inside is night.

Where is the joy

That used to be?

All is sadness.

Heart is broken.

How to dispel this madness.

I’m getting better.

A little lie never hurt,

Did it?

Now be honest.

Are you up to par?

No?

Just smile.

May be it’ll get better.

My grief tears me apart.

Lord, put me back together.

I am like a puzzle.

Fit the pieces in the proper place.

For you know me better than I know me.

I count on you, Lord.

To whom shall turn if not you?

The learned of the Academy know only the sharp edges.

They measure them.

They Catalogue them.

They write about them.

But they do not know how to put them back together.

Like