A Rumor of Self

By Bill Jacobks

This is my third book of poems (the other two were Grief, Loneliness, and Redemption . . . sorta, and Modern Psalms: Poems for Those Who Mourn). These poems are about my struggle to find who I am after the death of my wife. They are the meanderings through the loss, of grief and sorrow that losing a loved one creates. Their lack of a straight path is the result of confusion, anger, and longing to find a new way to live. Did I find it? No, but the self is never complete. May these poems be of some small use to you in your loss, whatever it is.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 2, 2018
• ISBN: 9781984527677

Bill Jacobks

Bill Jacobks was native of Chicago, then Austin, Tx where he went to graduate school at the University of Texas in history and political science. He and his wife moved to Muskegon, Mi. where he taught at Muskegon Community College and where his wife was Assistant Financial Aid Director. While at MCC he went to St. John’s Graduate Institute in Santa Fe, NM and received a degree, Master of Liberal Arts. He is retired. His wife died in 2017 and these poems and three other books of poems are the attempt to find a new life without her.

Book preview

Waiting to Begin

YOU

Have been waiting

Waiting for the next gift

Waiting to begin

In a dream

My self

Was here

I awoke

And found it was

Just a rumor

Circulated by

Diaphanous beings

Inhabitants of dreams

Elbowing themselves

Into consciousness

Demanding a hearing

Like Rumors

Deliciously Unreliable

Having some

Truth to them.

Rumors like ship’s anchors

Pulled up

The place it marked

Floats away with the waves

The self

It floats away when its

Anchor is pulled

And it disappears

Rumor has it though

It will return

Made new

But when and how?

Self floating on the waves

Disassembled by winds

My self in pieces, one piece

Not known to the next

Somehow I

Hope to put them

Back together

Be a whole self

Assemble a new self

But they are legos

That don’t fit

And lay strewn about

The Rope of Self

Death, grief, loneliness,

Love, self, and God

Are all tied together

By loss

In loss the heart

Opens up to tragedy

Seeking to repair itself

Through empathy

Extending the strings

Of the heart

Calls upon the self

To make itself anew

It seeks to channel

The energy of sorrow

Into making a

New life

Confronting the ego

And the body

The self attempts

To reform all into a whole

It calls upon

Spiritual, physical

And intellectual

Faculties to give their part

To the new being

In the process of birth

Hoping that each

Will be a midwife

To a new view

Of who one is

After loss and

Beyond grief

No one faculty knows all

And the self

Only intuits

Where it must go

But the self has the

Biggest picture

Of the possible

Outcome

Still, all is in doubt

Until the end of life

Will tell what

The self will be.

Along the way

The self offers meaning

To its partners

A wholeness of life.

The Turn to God

I turn to God

For help

To rebuild my self

But we relate unwell

Reverent, centering prayer

Therein does the grace of God flow

Awaiting the visitation of

The Holy Spirit

God is silent

But I need words

To create

A new life

Has sin made me impatient;

Has loss blinded me to love;

Has my hurt ego

Left me thinking I can go it alone?

These are painful thoughts

Thoughts for Saints

Not for sinners like me

Wallowing in my sorrow.

To know your self

In the future

You must know

Your self now.

To know your self now

You must know your self

Past

Even the dim past.

Farewell to Pieces of the Past

We had love and lust

We gave each other joy

And for a while happiness

We stole from time

We made love in ways

That made the gods of

The Kama Sutra blush

Positions unknown to them

Twined in each other’s bodies

We found holiness and love

We found pleasure without bounds

And we laughed so much.

But now that self is gone

Why?

Because death destroyed it

Leaving a hole

Wandering aimlessly

Marked by

Pains of Loneliness

Pieces, always pieces

Love Runs Away

My heart aches for love

To anchor my self

It knocks at the door of my heart

But it waits not for me

Love came to my door

Waiting for me

Trembling

I ran to open my heart.

But the wind blew strong

And I couldn’t go far

Because the wind blew me back

And I fell on the floor.

I yelled after love

To come back

But she never turned and

Just disappeared into the distance

The distance of time and death

Where no one can retrieve it

Because we’re bound to time

By minutes and space by inches.

Will love ever come back?

Who can tell?

Love is capricious

And mysterious.

You can’t call to her

She works on her own schedule

And you can’t make an appointment

And her number is unlisted.

A Place for My Body

My body demands

A place in my self

Clamoring for

Admission

Pleasure knocks at the

Door of my self

Demanding equity

With soul and mind

The body cries out

On a crucifix of

Reason and morality

Do not forget me

How to bring body and mind

Together in peaceful co-existence

So my self can be whole

It seems impossible to accomplish.

The Lonely Know

The lonely know the lonely

They know cheeks riven

With tears of loss and grief

The same tears fell for all

In empathy they find

Some piece of themselves

They might use as the building

Blocks of a new self

None can remake you

Only you can

But the pain of others

Mirrors yours

It makes you know

That you need others

To