Stabilizing a Mentally Ill Poppy: A Poetic Autobiography

By Cheyenne Durfee

This book is a collection of poems written about personal experiences with mania, depression, and numbness caused by medications. Some of the poems describe sexual assault experiences and suicidal ideations. Please read with the intent of feeling the poems and understanding the illnesses present and leave out judgment. In a way, this book will give you insight on the mind of a young woman facing struggles within her mind and within society.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 4, 2023
• ISBN: 9781669872887

Cheyenne Durfee

Cheyenne is a mental health advocate born and raised in Sacramento, California. She graduated from the University of California- Davis with a Bachelor's of Science in Human Development. As a young woman, she faced many struggles and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at the age of 19. During her worst moments she found poetry to be her refuge.

Book preview

Slipping Away

When your mind is falling apart

You walk outside and realize that the trees are much greener than yesterday.

The birds are singing louder than usual.

The day is full of sunshine and happiness.

There isn’t a single bad thought in your mind.

Everything is perfect.

Picture perfect.

But it is all a lie.

Look out the window, what do you see?

Could it be a fantasy?

Where the grass is green but your leaves are purple.

Marshmallows grow from a tomato plant

And your hair is standing straight up.

Thinking you’re in wonderland

You twirl around feeling like the wind

No one could drag you down

You’re so high

Your feet can’t touch the ground

You’re dizzy with nothing around to stabilize you.

You drift away.

Your feet hit the sand.

You smell the fresh ocean air.

It’s salty but nostalgic,

You realize that your face is wet.

You can’t recall crying so you assume it’s the mist.

The waves sweep you under like they are playing jump rope

But you feel free

So enveloped by the water, it touches you everywhere,

Isolates your screams,

But you can’t tell if the ocean is real,

Or if it’s just you swimming in your tears.

Day 1

Everything is fuzzy,

I can’t tell if I am actually breathing

I feel like i should cry

But i am too numb to actually feel anything

It’s difficult to write about feelings when there is nothing to feel.

It’s hard to cry when there is nothing to cry about.

Day 2

Out of body

Out of mind

I feel like nothing is real

My life is a lie

I’m running through the motions

My mind is blank

I’m not in pain

But i think i feel okay

In an asylum

But not crazy

I’m just not sane

No one is ever really normal

And that’s okay

I feel like i’m floating

Like i’m on autopilot

I just can’t grasp reality

Maybe i’m in a simulation

But my body is numb

My brain feels overloaded

I can’t seem to feel my feet

But i can hear myself walk

I don’t know who is speaking

I just don’t sound the same

I can hear ringing in my ears

And voices are morphed into the same sound

Making this decision was hard

But i can’t leave my parents there

Thinking that i’m okay when i’m not

They should know what’s going on

I’m not a liar or a fake

But i feel like an imposter

Their daughter is drifting away

Asylum

Giving up control can be tricky

Trusting someone with your life

The life that you once wanted to take

The life you now cherish so much

Allow people to make decisions for you

So the weight of the world is easier to bear

Give up the option of freedom

So that maybe you’ll be free from your demons

The grasp that they had on you is loosened

Your body feels lighter

The lack of friction makes you feel like you might float away

Day 3

It’s interesting,

They say that dissociation is an awakening

You finally found balance

Between your mind and your soul

So your body is a bottle carrying them

When i dreamed of ending my life

I thought i was being suicidal

My tendencies coming back to haunt me

I thought that now that i’ve found happiness

My mind was trying to