Jokes 102

By Alex Gall

During your lifetime you will be meeting a lot of people in your extended journey and travels. The quickest and easiest way to make a favorable impression is to possess a quick, tactful and ready wit or possess a good sense of clean humor. A few examples may help.

When discussing children, you can say, I gave my son a Spiderman costume as a gift and he said that he was Spiderman. I told him that he wasnt Spiderman, but I did not know how to get him off of the wall.

Or, state trooper recruit to personnel manager: What kind of pay can I expect? Reply, I dont like to brag, but on this job you can write your own ticket.

Or, a young lady dating a mortician said, Sometimes I dont think he knows that Im alive.

Or, Doctor, when will I know something after my operation? Doctor Smoothy, That depends on what you knew before your operation.

Or, two bees drank too much dandelion wine; they were not drunk but both of them had a buzz.

Or, a different chicken joke based on that age old question, why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: She wanted to beat up a chicken who called her a dumb cluck.

For now, enough is enough. If you want more humor of a similar questionable nature buy Jokes 102.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Dec 22, 2016
• ISBN: 9781504371186

Alex Gall

Shoeshine and newspaper boy, Cub and Boy Scout, Mechanical Engineer and Army soldier, Test Director of Army non-ordnance equipment at Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland. Section chief, 28 years, of test technicians and engineers, Pilot program, Army Management Staff College with over 3200 class hours on many topics. Presently retired and vegetating.

Book preview

102

JOKES

by

ALEX GALL

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Copyright © 2017 Alex Gall.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

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Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the author hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-7114-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-7115-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-7118-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016920271

Balboa Press rev. date: 03/13/2017

CONTENTS

ACCOUNTANTS

ACTING

ADAM AND EVE

ALCOHOL

ANIMALS

ART

AUTOMOBILES

BANKING

BARBERS

BEAUTY

BUSINESS

CABS

CANNIBALS

CHICKENS

COWBOYS

CROOKS

DATING

DEATH

DOCTORS

DRACULA

EDUCATION

ENVIRONMENT

EPITAPHS

FAMILY

FARMERS

FASHION

FLOWERS

FOOD

FRIENDS

GAMBLING

GARDENING

GOLF

GOVERNMENT

HAPPINESS

HEALTH

HISTORY

HUMOR

INSULTS

JOKES

LAWYERS

LIGHT BULBS

LOVE

LUCK

MAGIC

MANAGEMENT

MARRIAGE

MEMORY

MILITARY

MONEY

MUSIC

NAMES

NUDISTS

NURSES

PERSONALITY

POLICE

POLITICS

PSYCHIATRISTS

PSYCHICS

PUNS

REAL ESTATE

RELIGION

RETIREMENT

SALES

SENIORS

SHIPS

SINGING

SMALL

SPEECH

SPORTS

STOCKS

TIME

TOUGH

TRAVEL

WAITERS

WEALTH

WEATHER

WEDDINGS

WITCHES

WIVES

WOMEN

WORK

WRITERS

WRITING

ZOMBIES

OBSERVATIONS

TOPICS OF INTEREST

INSTANT MARYLAND ACCENT

IMPRECISE COMMUNICATIONS

OBLIGATORY CORPORATE FAREWELL TO A DUBIOUS LUMINARY

SAVE THE WILD HORSES (MUSTANGS) AND BURROS

WHAT IS IT ABOUT SEPTEMBER SONG?

Dedica

tion

To my wife Anna,

the best thing that ever happened to me.

INTRODUCTION

Is it remotely possible that Jokes 102 is an excellent joke book? You know that I like it, but I don’t want to be presumptuous. I want you to get more than your money’s worth of enjoyment. I want you to relax and satisfy your curiosity. Why should you read Jokes 102? First of all, the jokes are funny, fresh, and essentially entirely new. I have read a lot of joke books and enjoyed them all, but some of the jokes are repeated often in a variety of forms because it’s hard to kill a good joke. Some of the authors are quite talented with their latest version of a joke that’s even better than the original because new life has been breathed into it. You can reheat yesterday’s mashed potatoes and they can still taste good, but I prefer fresh mashed potatoes. My jokes are a little different, and most have never existed before. They are based on my ideas, insights, and experiences. Either the jokes are funny, or they are not.

I enjoy good, clean, short jokes that are timeless and appeal to a broad spectrum of readers looking to brighten up their day. Jokes are best when they are timely and related to present conditions, but a truly funny joke ages better than others. While the ultimate purpose of a joke is to be funny and amusing, it would be ideal, as a goal, that if the same joke was told fifty years from now that the recipient of the joke in the future would still see the humor or wit in the joke and at least smile or better yet laugh out loud, enjoying it. That is success and what I would like to achieve as a goal. How many will endure to stand the test of time?

I have always enjoyed, admired, and respected many of the brilliant and talented writers, speakers, masters of ceremony, actors, comedians, and anyone with a talent for evoking a smile in me. My standards are low. I can enjoy the dumbest of the dumb jokes, to the most sophisticated, subtle, and cerebral material. I enjoy slapstick humor, including The Three Stooges, to past and present professional comedians such as Henny Youngman, Milton Berle, Alan King, Jay Leno, and Woody Allen. I will not name too many comedians for fear of missing people who deserve recognition, and there are many. Each person in his or her own way was and is talented, and I respect and admire each one’s unique talents.

Some people who made me laugh are gone now, such as Ernie Kovacs. Ernie wasn’t exactly a comedian as those we recognize today, but he was innovative, talented, and funny. I used to watch Ernie Kovacs on a television channel coming from Newark, New Jersey. I still smile decades later thinking about his unforgettable Nairobi Trio, who were a group of three gorillas who wore derbies and in slow motion silently faked accompanying sophisticated chamber music. One of the gorillas had drumsticks, and he would occasionally beat on the head of the gorilla in the middle, who was Ernie Kovacs. At the end of the act Ernie would always say, Mom, the gorilla in the middle was me. Morey Amsterdam and Jerry Lester, plus a statuesque blonde named Dagmar, were on the same channel, and they entertained performing comedy sketches.

Many people who made me smile were very gifted, and a few of them, including a few who were somewhat lesser lights, were interspersed with famous stars. These included: Peggy Cass, Orson Beane, Jack Benny, W.C. Fields, Fred Allen, Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, Burns and Allen, Pee Wee Herman, Joan Rivers, Phyllis Diller, Red Skelton, Red Buttons, Charlie Callas, Richard Pryor, Franklyn Ajaye, and on and on. What was that elusive quality that the great actors, speakers, comedians, entertainers, and other luminaries had? I wanted to see them. I wanted to listen to exactly what they had to say and how they said it, along with their facial expressions and body gestures that made me feel good, smile, and feel comfortable watching their often-riveting performances. Burns and Allen are just as funny today on film as they were while they lived. How refreshing—they had that magical quality to make people smile and laugh out loud. Maybe it was a personal charisma so wonderful that I could not take my eyes off of them, mesmerized by their talent and humor that made me relaxed and happy in their aura.

Now that I have expounded on my love of jokes, humor, and talented people, let’s hope the jokes in this book engender a smile and a laugh based on their merits. I enjoyed the jokes, which were funny to me and my biased wife, who listened to my reading them to her to test them out. If she did not laugh, I pitched the joke and wrote a new one. I trust her instincts. She picked me, didn’t she? How is that for impeccable judgement? I’m hoping that this small contribution of jokes will make a lot of people smile and feel better about themselves and lighten the burden of their daily, often burdensome worldly cares. It would make me especially proud if you would drop everything and rush right out and tell a friend, or a few of your friends, a joke or two stolen—I mean borrowed—from this, in all modesty, fantastic book.

I took the liberty of including two essays, uncharacteristically in a joke book, for the following reasons. Regarding Wild Horses (Mustangs) they are being butchered at an alarming rate. I wanted to use this book as an opportunity and vehicle to express my disgust and outrage at the mass slaughter of wild horses (Mustangs) sanctioned by a 1971 Act that somehow sanctions the disposition of ‘excess’ Mustangs. The second essay is about a song entitled September Song that I enjoyed whenever I heard it. I liked writing about it and I hoped others would enjoy it as much as I did. September Song, to me, is not just another song as you may agree after reading the essay.

In addition to the jokes, there are many comments that are my observations on a variety of topics that were of interest to me so the material is all encompassing. You cannot predict or know what will be next, sort of a surprise similar to opening a box of Cracker Jacks and hoping to find a small, delightful prize. I encourage you to trek on until you have had enough—you are satisfied, that is. May you have the last laugh, or more popularly, may the farce be with you.

As a final shameless enticing gesture, could it be possible that you would be curious about the trucker who became lost on I-95 at 4:00 a.m. between North and South Carolina? Or how about Bill, the student who signed up for a course entitled Stupidity 101? You’ll just have to buy or borrow Jokes 102 or browse through the book at your local library to find out. I would be performing a disservice if I revealed the details of the lost trucker and the Stupidity 101 student. Find out what happens. I liked them both and hope that you will as well. Normally my introductions are more brief.

PREFACE

A lot of joke books available today have jokes that are not suitable for family entertainment. I don’t want to dwell on this subject, but off-color material creeps in I think because of a shortage and even a dearth of fresh material. I am not here to pontificate. I think that when a reader buys a joke book, he or she should be able to let his or her mother or children read the jokes. Off-color or tasteless material offends a lot of people, who are either embarrassed, upset, or distracted by the book’s contents. My wife, the expert, had heard most of the jokes in this book. Seventh-Day Adventists are a tough crowd to please, especially if I include alcohol and nudist jokes, which I have included but minimized. I tried to explain that Adam and Eve were nudists and that the first miracle performed by Jesus was to convert water to wine, which is alcohol, at a wedding.

I didn’t want to hide behind the Bible to defend the topics, but they are there based on what I have read and heard. To a devout church person, nudists and alcohol are not pure enough. I could not win despite my seemingly clear logic on the topics. My logic was illogical to purists, and there was no way of convincing anyone, specifically my wife and a few of her church lady friends. While I suffered a quick and decisive defeat, I kept the jokes about alcohol and nudists to a bare (no pun intended) minimum and are inoffensive in my view.

I don’t knowingly use offensive material, but someone is bound to find a word or something objectionable. Don’t write me if you are not happy. Read the other great jokes, and get over it. No one is perfect. Although I am not a seismologist, I have my faults. Try to cultivate the qualities of understanding and forgiveness as two desirable traits. That will minimize visits to a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a psychic, a gypsy fortune teller, or your local friendly barber, beautician, or bartender. When I washed my sweater with soap and hot water, it became too small for me to wear. Doctor Smoothy, my doctor, told me that I needed to see a shrink. You may proceed reading at your own peril, but try to minimize hysterical outbursts. Concentrate on restrained enjoyment that is more decorous. I may as well finish on a low note. I wanted to sing solo but I did not mind singing in decorous. I can hear your groans, but I’m grown up and used to it. See my section on puns for more punishment of a similar degrading nature.

Special thanks to the lovely Ms. Christine Cooney, who reviewed, discussed, and typed the jokes and text of Jokes 102. She made many useful and constructive suggestions that I tended to ignore—just joking, Christine. Thanks again.

ACCOUNTANTS

My accountant said that he set up special accounts for me. He labeled them ‘Accounts Inconceivable.’

An accountant was weak in spelling, he did not know the difference between physical and fiscal, by mistake he took an extra course in physical fitness. On the bright side he was the strongest accountant to balance the books. He said that he could balance 10 heavy books at one time.

ACTING

A New York critic reviewed a play with this comment: This play was so bad it was a farce, it was so bad that it was a ‘tour de farce’.

An American spy wanted an unusual expression that could be recognized by another American agent in Moscow. The secret expression was: A giant beach ball is hard to swallow. He waited months until a strange looking little man met him in Red Square and said, A giant beach ball is hard to swallow. He replied, I used to do stand-up comedy, welcome to Russia.

An actor was being driven in a hearse to a cemetery when the hearse broke down. Another hearse was dispatched from the funeral home and the actor’s coffin was transferred to the replacement hearse. It was the actor’s final rehearsal.

I watched a ‘B’ movie on television and I came down with a case of the hives.

A pioneer is what you get when a clown hits you in the side of your head with a custard pie.

I asked an actor how he was, he looked puzzled and said, I’m not sure, I don’t think I’m going to be myself today.

I listened to a radio show that was very informal, when the time was given the announcer said, It is 6:00 p.m., give or take.

A director wanted to make a movie for television about Halloween, but his ghost writer vanished into thin air.

Tony fell in love with a lovely chorus girl in New York City, but all he got was a song and dance.

An actor went to Doctor Smoothy saying that he was tired. Doctor Smoothy said, What you need young man is a change of scenery. Actor to doctor: I am an actor and not a set designer.

An actor had so many fans that when it got really hot, no matter what room he was in, he could always fan himself.

Dave advertised his acting ability everywhere, even in the Post Office where there was a poster with his picture and a short announcement, Have you seen this man?

Vincent, as an actor, wanted top billing. Vincent finally got top billing when all of the play’s creditors sent him the bills.

Sal’s jokes were so funny, he got a standing ovation at the morgue.

I was wolfing down my food between TV commercials and I was getting an upset stomach. My doctor, Dr. Smoothy, recommended that I watch TV shows with longer commercials. I told my doctor, I’ll try.

He was born with small hands; he was destined to be a magician. No doubt that he would have an extraordinary talent when it required anything to do with sleight of hand.

A magician’s big talent involved levitation, he worked so infrequently that his wife complained that the family had no visible means of support.

A young boy received a Spiderman costume and thought that he was Spiderman. I told him that he wasn’t Spiderman, but I didn’t know how to get him off of the wall.

A man who bought stolen merchandise from thieves, was invited to a masquerade party, but didn’t know what to wear. True to form he went as a fence.

Hollywood film maker’s latest movie was all about astronomy, film critics gave it three stars.

An elephant wanted to be an actor in a Tarzan film, he said that he had a good memory. He said that he would not forget his lions.

An extremely wealthy movie star was driving to his vacation home when he got tired and stopped at a small hotel. The part-time young bellhop inadvertently dropped one piece of his luggage. The indignant actor said, Do you know who I am? The youth replied, Are you Lassie’s owner?

A ventriloquist’s dummy suddenly came to life and said, Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to say a few words in my own behalf. Can I get that other dummy to get his hand out of my back?

P.T. Barnum’s Indian rubber man knew how to handle money. He could really make a buck stretch.

Lulu, the girlfriend of Long John Silver, the pirate of Treasure Island fame, once said, Long John please don’t change. I want to remember you just the way you arrrrgh.

On TV there was a movie called ‘Day After Tomorrow.’ I decided to record it and watch it two days from today.

A famous acting couple’s divorce became final on a cruise in the Pacific. The ship sank and the couple managed to hang onto debris which drifted to an island. When rescued, the newspaper headlines read: ‘Acting couple’s marriage washed up on Pacific Island.’

The shows on television were so bad that viewers were begging for more frequent and longer commercials.

An entertainer was a second rate juggler who relied on humor to enliven his act. While juggling he jammed a ball into his crotch. He looked at the audience and said, I can’t help feeling crotchety.

Two magicians playing poker. Levi: I’ll see you and raise you one foot. Reply, I’ll see your foot and raise you a right arm and leg. Levi, I’ll fold. I need my right arm and my leg. This game is getting to be too one sided.

Johnny Weissmuller, Tarzan, attended a Hollywood party. A news reporter asked him, How is it going, Tarzan? Weissmuller replied, Everything is going swimmingly.

An ill-advised student went broke at a part time job at a drive-in movie theater. The student charged people one dollar for cleaning the front windows of the cars entering the drive-in.

Tom was an actor playing in Pennsylvania in the winter. He said that he stopped the show cold. It turned out that the heating unit had stopped working.

Louis was an outstanding ventriloquist. He claimed that he could sing a duet with himself.

The play was bad. The only place that the actors could get a warm reception was at the Equator.

A young bellhop accidently dropped an actor’s luggage. The indignant actor said, Son, do you know who I am? Bellhop’s reply, Don’t tell me that you forgot your own name.

ADAM AND EVE

Eve: I know an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but doctors haven’t been invented yet, and even if one was around how would we get one, it’s Sunday?

Adam: I was hungry for applesauce and you bring me an apple, thanks Eve.

Adam said to Eve, Eve I seem to be short a rib, God knows where it is.

When Adam first saw Eve he tried to say something original, which led to the first use of the line, Do you come here often?

Adam and Eve did not own a closet or a bureau for clothes, they kept their entire wardrobe in the world’s first loose leaf folder.

Adam to Eve: Eve, if we had a lot more apples I’d like to invent apple cider.

Adam to Eve: How come you came back with only one apple? I believed you when you said that you didn’t have any pockets to carry them.

Adam to Eve: One apple? Okay! Are you a statistician and decided to bring back a random sample?

Adam: Eve, you say you saw snake eyes and now an apple, how original. Remember this is paradise not a pair of dice.

Adam to Eve: What’s a mother-in-law?

Adam to Eve: Thank you for the apple, it’s a Golden Delicious, my favorite and I was so hungry for one. What do you mean there is a catch?

Adam to Eve: Where did you get that apple? Apples are out of season.

Adam to Eve: Why was the apple a forbidden fruit, I’ve eaten an apple before?

Adam: Thanks for the apple Eve, I’d like to give it to a teacher but where could I find one? I guess that I have a lot to learn, what’s a school?

Adam to Eve: What do you mean it’s no longer a man’s world?

Adam to Eve: This must be paradise; we don’t even have to tend a garden.

Eve asked Adam, Exactly what do you mean by that remark when you said that I was essentially an afterthought?

Adam to Eve, What do you mean I never take you anywhere, this place is Paradise?

Whenever Adam went out looking for food Eve gave him a quick peck on the cheek and said Adam, it may interest you to know that one day a peck will be a unit of dry measure equal to eight quarts. Adam replied, That’s really nice to know but for now I’ll settle for a quick kiss on the cheek. What are you some type of a psychic?

Adam said to Eve, I guess it’s inevitable that the word will get around that we are a couple.

Adam awoke and found Eve counting his ribs. Adam said, Eve, what are you doing? Eve replied, I’m just checking to see if you have any girlfriends.

Adam got tired of Eve making jokes about him and it got to the point where he asked Eve to stop. Eve said, Adam, you have no sense of humor. Evidently it seems that you just can’t take a ribbing.

Adam said to Eve, Eve, you are always complaining that you have nothing to wear.

Eve to Adam: What do you mean it’s your night out with the boys, there are no boys?

Eve to Adam: "What do you mean it is your bowling night? You are out of your league with that story.

ALCOHOL

Max was clumsy and he wanted to take dance lessons. In his first lesson he was unusually uncoordinated and said to the instructor, It’s no use I’m too uncoordinated, the only way that I can dance is if I could drink some whiskey. I think that two pints would make one good cavort.

Fred drank Irish coffee using decaffeinated coffee. He said that he switched to decaf because regular coffee kept him awake while the alcohol put him to sleep. Now when he has an Irish coffee he doesn’t lose any sleep over it.

I attended a wild New Year’s Eve party. At midnight the bells began to toll loudly, come to think of it I still have a ringing in my ears and I have no idea what could have caused it.

I heard that you drink like a fish. Reply: I wish that you would stop carping about it.

Before the banquet, the host raised his glass and made this toast, To your health. I thought that if I toasted to your health often enough my health may be gone before I knew it.

John was at a bar and ordered a whiskey with a whiskey chaser because he did not believe in mixing his drinks.

When Jack Smith quit drinking it made a new man out of him so he changed his last name to Newman.

Tony was against alcohol, whenever he drank he pressed his lips against the glass.

Mark couldn’t stand the sight of alcohol; whenever he drank he closed his eyes.

You say that you stopped drinking. Isn’t that dangerous? Before you know it you may become dehydrated.

The salesman said to the middle-aged gentleman, Sir, the color of that watch face matches your eyes. Reply: Really, is the watch face bloodshot?

For some fun and a joke, an Irishman went into a bar and put one small smiley face sticker on all of the cubes of ice in the bar. That night all of the patrons were amused and happy with the smiley faced ice cubes in their drinks. The following day they explained all of the merriment with the simple explanation, It is always great when Irish ice are smiling.

It must have been old musical beer, how was I to know that it would B flat?

The moonshiner’s wife said to her husband, Do you love me still? The husband’s quick reply was, You know that I’ve always loved your still, my pet.

The Medieval knight really needed spectacles, one evening he got drunk and the next day he woke up married to a battleax.

Two farmers in the country removed a