Humor and Witticisms 101 Plus

By Alex Gall

• Language: English
• Publisher: Authors Press
• Release date: May 27, 2020
• ISBN: 9781643143293

Alex Gall

Shoeshine and newspaper boy, Cub and Boy Scout, Mechanical Engineer and Army soldier, Test Director of Army non-ordnance equipment at Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland. Section chief, 28 years, of test technicians and engineers, Pilot program, Army Management Staff College with over 3200 class hours on many topics. Presently retired and vegetating.

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Copyright © 2020 by Alexander Gall

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

AuthorsPress

California, USA

www.authorspress.com

REVIEW

BOOK TITLE: HUMOR AND WITTICISMS 101 PLUS

AUTHOR: ALEX GALL

REVIEWED BY: Michael Radon

Mary’s voice was as clear as a bell. The problem was her voice left a ringing in my ears.

Comedy is all about coming up with the right thing to say, in an acceptable amount of time, when presented with a situation or a character. The author’s hundreds of phrases, banter, and wisecracks are collected and presented in an A-to-Z topical format ranging from marriage to politics, health to intelligence. Each heading offers between one and dozens of pithy remarks set up either as anecdotes, punchlines, or simply clever bits of wordplay and creative observation. Each line is a surefire way to crack a smile, chuckle sensibly, or share with a friend for twice the laughter. Much of the humor is good-natured but also ventures into the deprecating or fun-poking variety from time to time, so readers should bring a sense of humor or some thickened skin.

The Plus alluded to in the title references a series of longer-form essays and observations that skew more on the humorous side than not but allow for a greater degree of setup, explanation, or storytelling.

These essays account for dozens of topics and avenues of thought but still come delivered in the author’s trademark comical style that champions a certain style of independent living while at the same time self-deprecates and keeps the narrator and/or author down-to-earth. The last three sections that comprise this extended section allow for a broader style of writing and humor that doesn’t just go straight for the direct and most efficient laugh on a subject. The jokes and witty remarks in this book can brighten a bland day, create a conversation starter with friends, or be shared just for the heck of it. Readers picking up this book expecting a typical joke book should have their expectations set immediately going in that this is not a series of call-and-response, setup and punchline snippets that can be repeated in the presence of company. The author’s style is more of a conversational, eased style of speaking that one could imagine being used whenever the discussed topic or subject is brought up.

The resulting book paints the author less as a comedian and more as a humorist, with a perspective on life and the world that is uniquely his and made accessible by not taking himself too seriously. Over the course of these hundreds of remarks and quips, the reader gains a strong sense of the author’s personality, particularly his sense of humor.

The essays and random thoughts that populate almost the entire second half of the book are a bit more revealing and a bit more honest, pulling back the showmanship to let a little more of the author’s voice rise to the center stage. Not to say the tone changes from one extreme to the other, as there is still plenty of opportunity for cracking wise in these additional selections, but there’s more to it than just trying to surprise the reader or draw a laugh out of them. It seems almost a shame that these longer form pieces show up only at the end of this book, as it paints a much clearer and more human picture of the author that informs the rest of the snarky jokes and one-liners in a much more complete way.

Still, anyone who likes to crack a punchline or tickle their funny bone will have plenty to digest in this volume.

Contents

Introduction

Preface

ABBREVIATIONS

ACCEPTANCE

ACCOUNTANTS

ACTING

ACTORS

ADAM & EVE

AIRCRAFT

AIRLINES

ALCOHOL

AMBITION

ANATOMY

ANGER

ANIMALS

APPEARANCE

ART

AUTOMOBILES

BARBERS

BASEBALL

BATTERY

BEAUTY

BOATING

BOOKS

BRAINS

BUSINESS

CHARITY

CHOICES

CIRCUS

CLEANING

COMPULSION

CONTORTION

COOKING

COWBOYS

CRIME

DANCING

DATING

DEATH

DECISIONS

DENTISTS

DEXTERITY

DIET

DIVORCE

DOCTORS

DOCTOR SMOOTHY

DOUBT

DRACULA

DREAMS

EDUCATION

EGO

ENGLISH

ENVIRONMENT

EPITAPH

ETHNICITY

FAME

FAMILY

FARM

FASHION

FEELINGS

FIGHTING

FISHING

FOOD

FRANKENSTEIN

FRIENDS

FURNITURE

GAMBLING

GARDENING

GENIES

GEOMETRY

GHOSTS

GOLF

GOSSIP

GUNS

HABITS

HAPPINESS

HEALTH

HISTORY

HOLIDAYS

HOMES

HONESTY

HOSPITALITY

HUMOR

HUNTING

INSULTS

INVENTIONS

JOKES

JUSTICE

LAUNDRY

LAWYERS

LAZINESS

LIES

LIFE

LIGHT BULBS

LOGIC

LOVE

LUCK

MAGIC

MAIL

MARRIAGE

MATHEMATICS

MATRIMONY

MEDICINE

MEMORY

MILITARY

MINDS

MIRACLES

MISTAKES

MONEY

MOTIVATION

MOVIES

MUSIC

NAMES

NATURE

NOISE

NUDISTS

PATIENCE

PERSISTENCE

PERSONALITY

PHILOSOPHY

POETRY

POLICE

POLITICS

POSTURE

POWER

PRAISE

PUNS

QUALITY

RAILROADS

REAL ESTATE

RELATIVES

RELIGION

REPAIRS

RETIREMENT

ROBOT

ROYALTY

SALES

SCOUTS

SCULPTURE

SELF-DEFENSE

SENIORS

SHIPS

SHOES

SHOPPING

SILVER

SINGING

SITTING

SLEEP

SMOKING

SPEECH

SPEED

SPORTS

STUPIDITY

SWIMMING

THINKING

TIME

TRAFFIC

TRASH

TRAVEL

VISION

VOTING

WAITERS

WALKING

WATER

WEALTH

WEAPONS

WEATHER

WEIGHT

WHISTLE

WITCHCRAFT

WORDS

WORK

WRITING

YOUTH

ZOMBIES

RANDOM THOUGHTS

CHOICES

DREAMS

ENVIRONMENT

EXERCISE

LAUGHING

LOOKS

MONEY

MOVIES

PHILOSOPHY

SLEEP

STOCKS

TIME

WORDS

OBSERVATIONS

A NORTH KOREAN PRISONER

ALARM CLOCK

ANIMATED SPEECH

BARBER WISDOM

BEAUTY

BRAIN POWER

BRIGHT FLAMES EXTINGUISHED

CLOTHES

CHOP SUEY

CONVERSATIONS

COPING WITH EXCESS

DEAD BATTERY

DECENT EXPOSURE

DENTIST

DIPLOMACY

DOCTORS TODAY

EDUCATION

FLATTERY

GLASS HOUSES

GOOD LUCK

GREETINGS

GRINS

HANDICAPPED PARKING

HATE TO COOK

HEARING AIDS

HEAVEN OR HELL?

HORSE BITES

IMMEASURABLES

INTOLERANCE

JOKES

JOKE CREATIVITY

LAUGHING

LIFE

LOGIC

LOUD PEOPLE

MARRIAGE

MINDS

MISSING A DAY

OVERFLOWING BATHTUB

PAINT STROKES

PAINTING

PLANNING

POLITICS

PROGRESS

PURSE CONTENTS

QUESTIONABLE SHOWS

QUESTIONNAIRES

SALES

SLEEP

SONG MEMORY

SPEECH

SPRING

SUCCESS

SURVIVAL

TABLETS

TOLERANCE

TRICK OR TREAT

UTILITY SALES

WESTERN HATS

WITE-OUT

WORD POWER

WORDS

YARD SALES

PLUS (ESSAYS)

THE WEASEL STRIKES AGAIN

JIM, THE NOSEY EAVESDROPPER

FAREWELL GREEN GROCER

WORD POWER AND MY SISTER

WILDFIRES

SHANE, A MEMORABLE MOVIE ENDING

SANITATION SEWERAGE SPILLS

AND THE HEROIC DWINDLING HERRING

HUNGARIAN

GAMBLING

RANDOLPH SCOTT

GRETA GARBO

CONMEN

SPIN DOCTOR

MINIMIZING INCONVENIENCE

CHEAP PRESCRIPTIONS

SHARING

HODGES’ HARDWARE

WALMART

ANNA’S STAR

TRASH TALK

WEALTHY PEOPLE

INTEREST RATES

MY CAT, SHADOW

STOCK MARKET OBSERVATIONS

CHARITABLE MAILINGS

PLAYING CARDS

HOME OWNERSHIP

UNCLE ALEX

EXECUTIVE ORDERS

HOW NOT TO BUTTON A SHIRT

HOW TO MAKE A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH

HUGS

ARE YOU MY TYPE?

MELVIN – THE HANDICAPPER

Dedication

To my wife Anna,

the best thing that ever happened to me.

Introduction

Iwanted to title this book Humor 101 Plus until my sister Margie, the retired registered nurse, visited me from New Jersey during her roughly monthly treks to Maryland. I secretly suspected that she wanted to kill two birds with one stone by visiting us as well as donating some cash to the Hollywood Casino in Perryville, Maryland. The casino is a mere five miles from my home. The casino has it all. It has slots and all forms of table games plus off track Thoroughbred horse race betting. Maryland is proud of its casinos which are highly profitable providing buckets of cash that politicians love to squander, I mean spend. No offense intended. My sister enjoys playing the slot machines or shouldn’t I mention that? Too late now.

My sister and I exhibit similar personality traits but to her credit she knows everything worth knowing and loves to supervise (boss) and dispense her unsolicited opinions on any number of diverse topics. Margie has been successfully divorced for years from a great guy, a civil engineer no less. He is now happily remarried. I was not surprised that my sister was divorced but I had been amazed that she ever married.

My sister always dispenses marital advice as the voice of experience. In my defense I’d say, Margie, I’ve been married 56 years to the same woman, the happiest three years of my life, and you are lecturing me on marriage. Luckily, blood is thicker than water.

I must grudgingly admit that I like (love) my sister since she is my only sister. I frequently tell her that she is my favorite sister knowing full well that she cannot question my flawless logic. Why, I even give her an obligatory peck on the cheek whenever she arrives or leaves.

During one of Margie’s recent visits I asked her to randomly sample read a few pages of the draft of my latest book on humor. I sought her questionable opinion in order to see if I was on the right track. Being so close to the riotous humor I didn’t want to miss the woods for the trees. I had taken familiar clichés and put my own interpretation and spin on them in an attempt to create original humor. This effort was a labor of love for me, truly enjoyable. However, since my sister knows everything I took a gamble and asked her for her opinion. In less than 10 minutes the wise oracle of Scotch Plains, New Jersey issued her sage pronouncement. She said that many of my observations and attempts at humor were, in fact, witticisms. Oh no! This comment caught me flat footed. How had I graduated to the level of witticisms? I had known dim-wits, half-wits and even nitwits, did they use witticisms? Oh well, Margie suggested that I change my proposed book title from Humor 101 Plus to Humor and Witticisms 101 Plus.

What to do? I told her that the word witticisms might imply putting on airs, an affectation that I did not want to portray to future readers. I did not want to exalt myself and be humbled per the biblical admonition. I wanted to start out not completely humble and stay somewhat or occasionally humble to be safe since I had heard that he who humbles himself shall be exhausted.

I gave her suggestion considerable thought for all of two minutes. I tend to be somewhat mischievously sarcastic. This trait may possibly be a characteristic of a few people who have lived within a 50-mile radius of Newark, New Jersey and perhaps even farther out than that. I was tempted to say, Margie, it is possible that you are even smarter than you look. I bit my lip in front of a mirror and I reflected on her words. How could I use her suggestion to my benefit? Hold it! If one of my cliché observations was not quite humorous enough I could always beg off and say that that revised cliché was not as humorous as it could be because in reality and deep down it was a witticism. Since no one knew exactly what a witticism looked like I could skate home free and clear with no one being the wiser. The proposed witticism idea was a life saver. It could be an escape mechanism in the final analysis in the event the humor fell flat on its face. It could happen.

So, there you have it in a nutshell. The title had deteriorated to Humor and Witticisms 101 Plus and we are all stuck with it forever. Who said that I am not willing to compromise?

This introduction has gone on long enough. Although there is a lot more that I’d like to add but then again you may never get to the contents of this book if you are a slow reader or if the reader falls sound asleep during the introduction. Occasionally discretion is a good thing and while I don’t like exercise it may be wise to exercise discretion at this point. Enjoy the book.

Preface

I am in the process of transitioning. Transitioning is easier when you know where you are going. If you recognize a witticism you may be smarter than my sister who can spot a witticism at a distance of one mile or perhaps even farther than that on a clear day. If one of the following attempts at humor is actually a witticism try to keep it a secret. If you can’t keep a secret tell everyone that you see. Let’s begin with a few samples:

•Nature abhors a vacuum, so does my wife.

•They loved me at the Visine plant because I was a sight for sore eyes.

•I gave my wife an inch, she converted it to centimeters.

•Moses said on Mount Sinai, This would be a good location for a hospital.

•What do you do with aftermath? Answer: Not to worry, after math everything is easy.

My doctor asked me, What keeps you up at night? I replied, Lack of sleep. This is my fifth book. Four of the books are often humorous and will evoke a smile during a lackluster day. I wanted to amuse and to entertain anyone who needed to brighten up his or her spirits, someone worn out, burned up or out, depressed, dejected or sad. It would be nice if some observations, jokes, humor, witticisms or even an essay in this book will evoke a smile, eventually. For a persistent reader most of the humor or witticisms in this book are brief and free of anything untoward or obscene, unless it appears unknown to me. I prefer short jokes or bits of humor. There are several essays included based on a few of my observations, problems, experiences and people that I have met during my often uneventful travels. I tend to see things somewhat differently than most. I don’t know if that is a curse or a blessing. At the moment my memory is good. I can recall many unimportant facts clearly, but I need an eight-year-old to explain the intricacies of computer use. I must be getting old. Years ago, I advanced from a slide rule to a calculator. Today’s nature of thinking is similar basically to the past, but it is somewhat different in many respects, perhaps more logical.

A preface in Webster’s Dictionary is an introductory statement to a book telling its subject, purpose, or plan. I planned this book with a purpose. The purpose was to simply entertain in a humorous inoffensive manner similar to Jokes 101, 102 and 103, my first three books. I am happy and pleased with my efforts to date despite modest sales. I am hoping that someone somewhere will read my work and say, What was that guy really like? I only wish that I could have met him and had an extended conversation with him. Is he as entertaining in person as he is in his writing? Wishful thinking on my part since we are all just passing through and everyone knows that fame, if attained at all, is fleeting. My books will act as a testimony to my existence and time here. I’ll settle for that legacy. There is no need to get philosophical, I’ll leave that to others.

May you enjoy this book, a humble and most modest contribution on my part in the grand scheme of things. All of the joke books were very easy to write, requiring little or minimal effort because I enjoyed the work, if it can be called work at all. I heard that it is not work if you enjoy what you do. Without fear of contradiction I looked forward to the writing and was saddened as my efforts drew to a close. What is next? I can’t wait.

Special thanks to the lovely Ms. Christine Cooney, who reviewed, discussed, and typed the jokes and text of this book. She made many useful and constructive suggestions, that I tended to ignore – just joking, Christine. Thanks again.

The photograph of me in this book was taken when I was a senior in high school. My wife liked it. I have a few group photos with family members but no other portrait photo that I could locate. I must admit that I normally wear glasses that make me look similar to an amiable professor. Since the senior high photograph there has been a lot of water under the bridge. I have several decades under my belt and my hair has turned mostly grey. My wife said that my grey hair makes me look very extinguished. I avoid arguing with my perceptive wife since we are one legally and arguing with myself would be counterproductive. I told my wife that while the flesh may be