Sin & Love & Fear:

By Erin Coulehan

A collection of essays carved and chiseled from personal recollections, pop culture references, and scientific inquiries, in an attempt to find some order and meaning in the chaos of Millennial life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nowadays Orange Productions LLC
• Release date: Apr 22, 2016
• ISBN: 9781533757562

Book preview

DEDICATION

Prologue

Then and Now

Le Douleur Exquise

In Defense of the Heart

As Things Fall Apart, and we Pursue Our Paths

Moving, Models and Muses

Sundays are for Lovers... of writing, Beer and HBO

Roads and Romance

Rearview Retrospection

Warning Sign

Monogam-ish

Last Year’s Language

I Go Away

The Early Bird May Catch the Worm, but the Night Owl Gets the Glory

They Say a Career Can’t Keep a Girl Warm at Night, But Whiskey and Rock Stars Certainly Can

All You Ever Wanted

Chaos and Noise

The Slow, Burning, Simmer of the season

Parades and Procedure

Perhaps We Are What They Dream Of

Rise. Fall. Collide.

The Cat and the Fiddle

Love at First Like

PLanes, Trains and Always Mobile

The Hill and the Valley

Wink and a Whisper

The Unlikeable Lightness of Being

Vortex and Voids

We Always Do

Less is Amor

Look Before You Leave

Dreams Kept US Awake

Late Night NOodles

Train Tracks and Tombstones

Write and Wrung

Stars and Stairs

What We Wanted

The Dead and the Dreaming

Boys and Brooklyn

Winter and Losers

Ex/Oh

No One and Never

Drown

No One Is Laughing

Volt

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Prologue

If you were born, dear reader, in our age of information overload, by-the-character interpersonal connections, and digital existentialism, then SIN & LOVE & FEAR belongs to you.

Erin Coulehan’s own life may be the catalyst and source of her writing, with all her adventures, desires, fears, and misfires, but the insights and voice revealed by her graceful style and smart prose invest her work with the worth of literature. When you read this collection of essays, you will notice how they’ve been carved and chiseled from personal recollections, pop culture references, and scientific inquiries, allowing you to take a glimpse at the outer and inner life of the author and her attempts to find some order and meaning in the chaos, while also finding reflections and revelations about your own life and your tribulations. From analyzing the works of Shakespeare with the most recent findings in neuroscience, to reinterpreting contemporary woes of love through the lens of historical celebrities before Twitter, Erin’s writing provides order to our chaos precisely by showing us the links among the chaos of our existence.

Ultimately, SIN & LOVE & FEAR isn’t worth reading just because it’s an outstanding piece of literature by one of the most promising voices of our generation—it’s worth reading because you as reader are worth reading it.

Alex Garcia Topete

Editor

Then and Now

June 12, 2012

I began this blog a year ago as part of a class assignment that required me to review a play I had seen performed in London while studying abroad. I thought I could showcase an understanding of Literature, contemporary drama and new platforms of communication (who’s more influential, the scholar whose book has been read by a handful of fellow academics or the journalist who maintains a steady readership?) – I also wanted to impress my professor by demonstrating I knew as much about Shakespeare as I did shoes and champagne.

A year later, I’m finally updating this blog. I was surprised at the ease with which I logged in – actually, I’m not: I have the same password for just about everything. A great deal has happened since my last post: a trip to Paris that began with one of the most idyllic night’s a girl can imagine and ended with me anxiously waiting to get the hell out of that city, friendships lost, lust or something like it gained in unlikely places (who goes to Vegas to meet a guy before he leaves the continent?!), a cross-country trip sprung through an email correspondence and quick Google search, and a complete shift in what I had at one point believed I wanted, leading up to me nearly acquiring what it is I know I need.

It’s an odd thing once you think about it: less than a year ago I was writing about the correlations between Macbeth and the Iraq war, foreswearing Bachelard and his fucking Poetics of Space while thinking about the topic for my next conference presentation. The joke was played on me for having such a clear vision of where I was going. That was before I twirled off course, and realized that I greatly enjoy this reeling, at least for now. In the past six months, I’ve interviewed an Olympic gold medalist who will be competing in London in a few short weeks that has since become a friend, met with an editor of Glamour in Washington, had a lovely conversation with a British musician regarding muses and it girls songs are so often inspired by, and was licked by a giraffe named AJ while following a lead at the zoo.

At this point I’m not sure which I prefer. I finished reading the June issue of 0 about an hour ago, and was inspired by the writing that had reignited my mind after a day spent writing with a splitting headache. I contemplated ending my night by revisiting The Unbearable Lightness of Being, but ultimately decided to write.

I think I like this personal, albeit it revealing, method. I seldom catch up with the thoughts of my personal life amidst the flurry of outside responsibilities and fun little surprises life seems to launch all at once before the rest is (temporarily) silenced. It’s part of the fun though, and like all other animals, who doesn’t respond to a challenge?

Le Douleur Exquise

July 18, 2012

You approach one another in a cavernous bar, stumbling over words as anticipation builds and you do all you can to keep your feet planted on the floor: it’s difficult enough staying balanced in your stilettos after four vodka tonics you drank in order to drown the butterflies in your stomach, but this encounter may prove too much –and for what? You laugh nervously as he whispers something witty about politics, shivering from the warmth of his breath on your cheek. There’s heat, to be certain, but is there electricity? The questions circulating in your mind are as overwhelming as your inability to make a move at this point, and thankfully you don’t have to as he puts his hand on your lower back and kisses you. He tastes like abandon as you kiss him back, willingly popleaxed, but still wondering if all of this is happening. Your question is quickly answered as he bites your bottom lip, far more reassuring – and titillating – than being pinched awake from a dream. The pain is worth it, and it’s sexy.

My girlfriends and I talk about it often. As we prepare to relocate to big cities in the hopes of beginning even bigger careers, we describe what we’re after in a man. That’s right, I said man. You know the type, not a guy that texts at 2am and suggests hanging out, but a man that calls – and I don’t mean maybe. These men call you during the middle of the day, absolutely certain that they want to take you to dinner. They wear skinny ties, have 5 o’clock shadows, know how to order a martini and definitely know how to woo a woman. As we giddily describe these men that we’re certain have to exist somewhere in this world (Hey, Mr. Big, Don Draper and Jax Teller have to be inspired by some actual person), we agree that another distinguishing quality of these dashing men is they’re very familiar in the art of seduction. Right now, I think Alex Pettyfer could play this role of seducer very very well.

Seduction has always been one of my favorite words, I love the etymology. In Latin, ducere to lead combined with the third person pronoun, se, literally an other, basically means to be lead astray by another. How exhilarating, who doesn’t love a reprieve from responsibility? What’s more intriguing than indulgence?

Algolagnia is the sexual pleasure derived from enduring pain (masochism) or inflicting pain (sadism). Whether physical, emotional, or a combination of the two, kinks for pain provide intrigue and opportunity for more intimate bonding within relationships. Once bitten and twice as confident, the exploration of lover’s bodies heightens sexual gratification with carnality akin to the level of throw down of Eric Northman and Bill Compton that makes True Blood far more tempting than vanilla sex. When it comes to desires of the body, what is about kinks for pain that make us lust after a love that hurts so good?

As our culture sinks its teeth into more aggressive aspects of sexual representation, kinky sex scenes as those first depicted in Sex and the City wherein Carrie shows up to Mr. Big’s apartment with a leather whip in hand, to the passion that launched a Hollywood divorce and scandal in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, deriving pleasure from pain seems to be on the top of our lists of sexual desire. Barry Komisaruk and Beverly Whipple at Rutger’s University measured if sexual arousal increases pain thresholds in humans through use of an Ugo Basile Analgesia Meter, an instrument whose only purpose is to induce pain. Participants placed their fingers on a small platform as a steel point pressed on their finger pad, the pressure increasing until the subject had enough. Komisaruk and Whipple found that perception of pain was dampened when participants were shown pictures of lovers when under the pressure of the machine, whereas levels of pain remained relatively stagnant when looking at photos of an acquaintance or stranger. While sexual fantasies have the capacity to curb perceptions of pain, physical arousal can increase pain tolerance by approximately 50 percent. In fact, orgasm increases pain tolerance by over 100 percent, so there’s no need to feel guilty for a little nibble or scratch here and there – chances are your partner probably likes it, thanks to a release in oxytocin. When released into the bloodstream, oxytocin (also known as the cuddling hormone), dulls an individual’s sensitivity to pain, not unlike the adrenaline high athletes experience that allows them to continue competing despite physical discomforts.

Oxytocin isn’t the only chemical to heighten sexual bonding and attraction. Adrenaline, brought on by the rush of pushing limits and sexual boundaries is a contributing factor which motivates people to engage in S&M and other forms of kinky sex, and can also make a person seem more physically attractive. In a study entitled Love at First Fright, researcher Cindy Meston from the University of Texas in Austin led a study in front of roller coasters at Six Flags. As thrill seekers got off (the ride), researchers asked them to rate levels of attractiveness of people shown in a series of photos. Passengers exiting the ride consistently found the subjects of the photos more ravishing than those who had not yet entered the ride due to a phenomenon called excitation transfer. As adrenaline surges due to frightening and potentially painful situations, lingering effects of giddiness have a spillover effect to sexual prospects in one’s line of vision. After a particularly exciting or dangerous sexual experience, a partner may appear absolutely breathtaking while you’re catching your breath.

While exploring the boundaries of sexual experiences, testing tactile stimulation of the body’s most primitive of sensations produces le douleur exquise: the exquisite pain of indulging in activities that are potentially physically or emotionally dangerous. If love makes the world go around, it can be said then that sex keeps it on its axis, while kinks and curiosities lead us in new directions.

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In Defense of the Heart

July 19, 2012

I have a tendency to sometimes want stupid things. Like, really stupid shit. As a tween, all I wanted was a pink convertible VW Beetle for my sixteenth birthday so my best friend and I could cruise around town and blast whatever girly song was our anthem at the time. In college, I wanted a boy that was absolutely no good for me, but boy was he fun. Sometimes I want tequila or whiskey, knowing full well what the after effects might be: few things are more horrifying than waking up on a Saturday morning in the same dress and makeup from Friday and then seeing the pictures that are on your phone, or worse, on Facebook. Nowadays, my desires are a bit more pragmatic: I want to have a byline in The New York Times by 25, attend the White House Correspondents Dinner by 27 and maybe have a Pulitzer by 30.

Romantically speaking, whether in the office, at happy hour or dinner with friends, I notice that my friends and my desires and expectations can sometimes be contradictory. Why can’t we keep things casual but not sleep with other people? a girlfriend of mine complained