Jokes 103

By Alex Gall

The jokes in Jokes 103 are funny, short, clean, and original. They are not tired retreads. The jokes are based on observations on a variety of diverse topics from accountants to zombies. The jokes are particularly innovative and refreshing, concerning waiters and politics. Each topic is worth reading. Since this book is not a novel, with a plot, a few random sample jokes reflect the flavor of the books contents.

Fatima, does this bomb under my burka make me look fat? Or I received a letter from a charity that was so urgent that on the envelope, it read Open yesterday.

There are many more jokes of a similar tasteless nature, or even worse, within Jokes 103. Proceed cautiously. Think positive. With enough new and unusual jokes, many of them may be actually funny. Try to refrain from convulsive laughter.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Sep 14, 2017
• ISBN: 9781543434699

Alex Gall

Shoeshine and newspaper boy, Cub and Boy Scout, Mechanical Engineer and Army soldier, Test Director of Army non-ordnance equipment at Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland. Section chief, 28 years, of test technicians and engineers, Pilot program, Army Management Staff College with over 3200 class hours on many topics. Presently retired and vegetating.

Book preview

Copyright © 2017 by by Alex Gall.

Library of Congress Control Number:      2017910495

ISBN:                  Hardcover               978-1-5434-3471-2

                            Softcover                 978-1-5434-3470-5

                            eBook                       978-1-5434-3469-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 08/15/2017

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To my wife, Anna,

the best thing that ever happened to me.

INTRODUCTION

The jokes in Jokes 103 are short, funny, clean, and hopefully inoffensive. I like short jokes because long elaborate jokes often have predictable punch lines. All of the jokes are new and not tired retreads. Naturally, my lovely biased wife liked them. My disinterested critical registered nurse sister, as a great special favor to me, read some of the jokes and said that they were amusing. I told her that I would settle for amusing since praise from her is similar to getting blood from a stone. My sister volunteered that I liked to use a play on words. I told her she was correct and that I enjoyed plays on words because I loved words, in general.

I wrote many of the jokes based primarily on my impressions or comments on events that were reported on television or radio, knowing fully well the hopelessness of my reactions, similar to shouting at a horse in a race. Outbursts made me feel better despite the fact that no one except my wife or a visiting neighbor ever heard me. The world and its news events were unmoved by my frustrated remarks. I tended to see the humor in unfolding events, especially political events. By their very nature, many political events are inherently funny.

Partisan politics specialize in creating mountains out of molehills while minimizing the impact of serious problems at home and abroad.

Many politicians are very predictable, and I could always count on them to make the most trite, mundane, and inane remarks whenever they are interviewed. The funniest remarks seemed to come from party leaders who had been known for quite a while and who relied on a variety of time-honored overused weary responses such as What did he know and when did he know it? The correct answer was: If he or she knew anything, would he or she be a politician?

Enough by way of an introduction. The jokes are either amusing or funny, or they are not. While I liked to read introductions and prefaces to determine an author’s thought process, there is no intention to burden any reader who is not similarly predisposed.

CONTENTS

ACCOUNTING

ACTING

ACTORS

ADAM AND EVE

AIRLINES

ALCOHOL

ANIMALS

APPEARANCE

ART

AUTOMOBILES

BANKING

BARBER

BEAUTY

BUSINESS

CANNIBALS

CHICKENS

COOKING

COWBOYS

DATING

DEATH

DOCTORS

DRACULA

EDUCATION

EPITAPH

FAMILY

FARMER

FASHION

FOOD

FRIENDS

FURNITURE

GAMBLING

GARDENING

GOLF

HAPPINESS

HEALTH

HISTORY

HUMOR

INSULTS

JOKES

KNOCK, KNOCK

LAWYERS

LIFE

LIGHT BULBS

LOVE

LUCK

MAGIC

MAIL

MANAGEMENT

MANNERS

MARRIAGE

MILITARY

MONEY

MUSIC

NAMES

NEIGHBORS

PERSONALITY

POLICE

POLITICS

PSYCHIATRISTS

PSYCHICS

PUNS

REAL ESTATE

RELIGION

RETIREMENT

SALES

SCIENCE

SENIORS

SINGING

SMOKING

SPEECH

SPORTS

STOCKS

SUICIDE

TAXI

TIME

TOUGH

TRAVEL

WAITERS

WEALTH

WEATHER

WEDDINGS

WOMEN

WORK

WRITING

ZOMBIES

DR. SMOOTHY’S PRACTICAL ADVICE

OBSERVATIONS

PREFACE

Whenever I had a spare moment and tried to concentrate on a serious subject, my mind drifted toward writing a joke. Could it be that I was lazy and I took the easiest path? I saw humor in many situations, and I wanted to record my thoughts on any number of diverse topics since it did not require any real effort. There was little that I was not interested in commenting about. Perhaps I was similar to a moth being attracted to a bright light. I always took the path of least resistance because it was enjoyable. I could not escape the gravitational or magnetic pull of a joke.

At every turn, I would say to my wife, Listen to this, or What do you think of this? While a joke was funny to me, I had no idea of what others thought about it. Sometimes what was unusual or amusing to me evoked an immediate outburst of laughter from my listener. Other thoughts that were funny, clever, or intelligent to me resulted in a studied silence or a quizzical look by my audience. A silent response immediately resulted in the joke being pitched and a quest for its replacement that my listener enjoyed.

There have been a great many wonderful and legendary entertainers, actors, comedians, masters of ceremonies, raconteurs, and genuinely funny, mesmerizing people in the past, as well as in the present. I have no illusions. I will make my modest contribution to the wealth and diversity of jokes by my illustrious predecessors. I can only hope that someone somewhere will identify with my thoughts, crack a smile, or say, How about that?

My goal is to ease someone’s burden in his or her daily existence. Many people plod along with boring, frustrating jobs in order to make a living. A clean funny joke can break up the drudgery and monotony that occurs from time to time. A funny joke may be similar to a runner getting a second wind, resulting in a renewed burst of energy. I am very grateful when a wearied worker thanks me for telling a joke that brightened his or her spirits during a boring day at work. Was I happy? You bet I was.

A new joke is a fleeting idea that must be recorded as soon as possible because the idea may slip through your fingers as quickly as liquid mercury. Yesterday’s bright ideas frequently are a dim or lost memory today. It is essential to strike while the iron is hot. An idea will not take shape if the thought is cold. I have spent a lot of wasted time trying to remember something that was funny yesterday. Simple army wisdom comes to mind: One dull pencil is worth a thousand sharp minds.

I am gratified by any reader who has managed to make it this far reading the text of this tome. Okay, it may not qualify as a tome, but it’s close enough for our purposes. Those who continue reading will be rewarded. Did I mention that there is a reward out for me? The reward will be an overabundance of laughs and a lot of chuckles. Can anyone remember the last time that he or she chuckled and was overwhelmed and consumed with unmitigated joy? Be prepared to be consumed. Those that survive the ordeal of being consumed will no doubt be a better person for the experience and proud to be an American. Cheers!

Special thanks to the lovely Ms. Christine Cooney, who reviewed, discussed, and typed the jokes and text of Jokes 103. She made many useful and constructive suggestions, which I tended to ignore! Just joking, Christine. Thanks again.

Your disobedient servant,

Alex

ACCOUNTING

My bookkeeper cooked the books. Now all of the pages are stuck together.

An accountant said, I used to be popular, but over the last five years, I’ve been under appreciated.

An accountant gained three inches in his waist. He stated, What do you want from me? At night, I sleep on a spreadsheet!

An accountant said, I don’t like getting drunk; it conflicts with my job. After a six-pack of beer, I begin to feel unbalanced.

An accountant shouted, I need a vacation; I’m beginning to feel unbalanced.

Jack was an accountant and a budding magician. He maintained that on weekends, he kept mixing and confusing his ledgers with legerdemain.

ACTING

A young bellhop accidentally dropped an actor’s luggage. The indignant actor said, Son, do you know who I am? Bellhop’s reply: Don’t tell me that you forgot your own name.

Joan used to work in full-length movies, but she looked better in shorts.

At the movie theater, I went to the back of the line. I did not care. I didn’t like the movie anyway.

I was introduced to an actor. My girlfriend, Lulubelle, said, How does he strike you? I replied, Lulubelle, I don’t know. We haven’t come to blows yet.

The movie about the Boston strangler was gripping.

Jack, the comedian, said that he had a monolog. Jack explained that he had a wood stove and one log.

Sid was late to the masquerade party because he complained that he was in a pickle.

I wanted to pull a rabbit out of a hat, but I had neither the hat nor the rabbit, which made it quite a trick.

I watched a chick flick; it was a story about the life of a chicken.

I wanted to see a mindless movie in order to take my mind off things.

A magician was not too successful. By way of an explanation, he remarked, My life has seemed to be one illusion after another.

Two ventriloquist dummies met. After looking at each other with blank stares, one dummy said, Can we talk?

The Academy Awards ceremonies had a new category this year. They had a new award for the actor with the best politically motivated acceptance speech.

The theater was very small. My seat was so far from the aisle that whenever I visited the restroom, half of the audience had to stand up.

I went to a play and I was disturbed because the lady in front of me wore a large hat and I could not have a clear view of the play. As the play progressed, I was glad that she had not removed it as I slept peacefully.

The actor that won the Oscar thanked his parents and grandparents. The actor proceeded to thank all of his ancestors back to Adam and Eve, but Social Security went bankrupt before he finished.

During the Oscars, eighty nations submitted foreign films in the running for the Best Foreign Film award. Where did they get eighty nations? It must have been the day off at the United Nations.

The actor said, The show must go on and on and on.

It was easy to go incognito; no one had any idea who I was.

I’ll never forget my first job in a theater. May I see your tickets, sir? J1 and J2, you and your wife have the aisle seats.

Tom said, I come from a long line of actors who spent most of the time in an unemployment line.

An actress passed out in a film and won an Academy Award for her performance. The actress maintained that it was faint praise.

Women’s liberation started hundreds of years ago. King Charles of England had male and female fools. An aggressive male fool fell for a female fool. This was the first use of the expression, Do you want to fool around?

I wanted to date a lovely female trapeze artist when it dawned on me, What if I start to fall for her?

Jack went out trick-or-treating on Halloween, but since he was thirty-five years old, he was soon unmasked.

I knew that the movie was a comedy when they started playing Keystone Cops stupid music in the chase scenes.

Nowadays I never know when a movie ends until the credits begin to roll.

I watched a movie on television and in the credits it said, No animals were hurt making this film. They needed a postscript in this film stating that the producer punched one actor who was acting like a baboon.

ACTORS

An actor questioned his role. He said to the director, What’s my motivation? Director’s reply: You like to eat, don’t you?

The director asked the leading man, What is your motivation? Actor’s reply: I came by bus.

The self-professed humble actor applauded himself.

After the play the actors held hands on the stage; they believed in safety in numbers.

My partner and I played a horse in a play. All was going well until the final act when we had to jump over a few wooden hurdles. That tears it.

As the actress aged, her beauty began to fade and she became a character actress. Since everyone in her movies was a character, she could play any part other than children and animals.

Bill the actor bragged about getting big fan mail. Upon closer questioning, Bill said that he received his letters from youngsters who used crayons to write a brief note, I wuv you.

John, the magician, went on a witch hunt. He found three witches. John was confused because he could not tell which witch was which.

The comedian was so funny and interesting that not one cough was heard coming from the audience throughout his monolog.

ADAM AND EVE

Eve was very jealous. She said to Adam, Have you been seeing anyone else? Adam’s reply: Not since I lost my glasses.

Adam to Eve: Are you sure that you weren’t playing dice? You are the first person to see snake eyes?

Adam to Eve: Eve, are you sure? I’ve never heard of a talking snake.

Adam to Eve: Eve, you look beautiful. If it wasn’t for me, who would compliment you? Maybe you can start being vain.

Adam to Eve: Eve, when I say something intelligent, you can bet it’s original.

Eve said to Adam, Why are we here? Adam replied, It’s because of sin. Eve said, Oh, Adam, how original.

AIRLINES

I hadn’t flown coach on an airline for a long time. On the flight, all I got to eat was one bag of peanuts. I told the stewardess that years ago I was served a hot meal on longer flights. The stewardess stated that the food containers, food, plates, food utensils, and hot coffee or tea all added extra weight to the plane, and we now carry extra luggage. She added, besides, peanuts cost a lot less.

ALCOHOL

When Paul stopped drinking, he almost became dehydrated. Drinking cured that condition.

Joe had six-pack abs. That was where he put his six-pack of beer as he watched television