Defeat

By Steef Hoogendam

Defeat is a critical and passionate book about the divorce battle.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jan 13, 2016
• ISBN: 9781504996747

Steef Hoogendam

Steef Hoogendam was social worker until his retirement. He had contact with a secondary teacher, Nora van Riet, someone who preferred demand-oriented assistance. This book about aphasia, Young & Old, followed one of his last motivations to write a book, perhaps the very last.

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© 2016 Steef Hoogendam. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 01/13/2016

ISBN: 978-1-5049-9672-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5049-9673-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5049-9674-7 (e)

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Preface

Chapter 1 Numbers

Chapter 2 Trauma

Chapter 3 Mazlow

Chapter 4 Emancipation

Chapter 5 Language

Chapter 6 Terrace

Chapter 7 Goodbye

Chapter 8 Child loss

Chapter 9 Go on

Chapter 10 Tips

Chapter 11 Finding the truth

Chapter 12 The Development of a father

Chapter 13 Proof reading

Epilogue

What do children lose in case of divorce battle?

Steef Hoogendam

PREFACE

Meeting of generations

While writing this book, I met a very special person. Mr. Gupta, aged 26. He came from New Delhi, India and was raised with Hinduism. But., struggling with himself, he had started to reflect. Like me. This reflection for me resulted in more thoughts. For him, this reflection meant something else.

Mr. Gupta attended studies in biochemistry at the University of New Delhi, India. Bachelor’s and master´s degree. He was now temporarily employed by… He worked temporarily at what used to be, one of the larger employers in this town.

A meeting of generations, East and West, next to a traditional and an evolved society. He was, after all, 26 years young and I was 66 years old.

In this way, different continents found each other. Both civilizations met in this way.

This resulted in very interesting conversations during our daily encounters at my B&B. Gradually, doubts about the future reduced. During one of these conversations, I promised him, if possible as a thank-you, to forward a copy of my book which was still to be written - a Dutch and/or English translation. A sign that our two worlds,

- had actually met each other,

- had learned from each other and

- had gained in wisdom together.

CHAPTER 1

NUMBERS

The Netherlands, 1973

Every year 27,000 children

2013. 40 years later: The first million ex-children

In the Netherlands, parents of 1 in 3 marriages divorce.

The percentage increases.

It is expected that soon half the number of marriages will end in divorce.

This includes the number of living-together-linkages and the number of flash divorces.

If a father and a mother do not agree with each other about the children, all kinds of institutions, individuals and the government offer to help.

Such agencies often use incorrect figures.

Much of what I say originates from J. Zander, artist and social pedagogue, and from figures handled by CBS.

Besides, he is forced by circumstances - being divorced himself, father and fighter against the injustice imposed upon child(ren) - to fight optimally for his own offspring.

Of course, what I am saying is black-and-white. I will try to nuance as many of my assertions as possible.

Roughly 60% of parents succeed to make arrangements acceptable to all parties to attend, care and raise children.

Approximately 40% - CBS estimates even go as far as 50% - of the parents cannot manage to do so. 27,000 children annually are victims. In the course of 40 years - in 2014 - these amount to approximately one million per year. Per year!

1/17 part of the population!

Already now.

However, several agencies continuously use incorrect percentages.

They talk about 10%.

Point of departure

The starting point in time is around 40 years ago. Somewhere around 1973. This seems logical, because then society already started changing. Obviously, the starting point is debatable. Like any starting point.

In 2013, that is 40 years later, we have reached a number of one million ex-children. Roughly speaking: a quarter of all children. Grown-up by now.

Parents agree on a divorce. 60%.

Both father and mother want a divorce.

Each presents his or her opinion to a neutral person for consideration. An advocate or counsellor. This advocate recommends - based on his findings that the children are better off in living with the mother (or father). Both parents agree.

In harmony children can live with their father or mother. In most cases, the mother is assigned.

Consequently:

1. Mother offers housing, gives care and raises the children.

2. Both are responsible for raising their children. Mother offers the daily care and father bears the cost to make this possible.

3. Mother is the educator and father pays in order to make this possible.

4. Both the mother and the father are in contact with the children.

5. Both accept this situation. The child(ren) accept this.

6. The council, the neutral party, gives advice based on its findings.

Father and mother disagree about a divorce: 40% of all cases. Either the mother, or the father wants to separate.

Conclusion: A divorce battle.

Each person presents their opinion to a neutral person.

This neutral person recommends that, after the parents´ divorce, the children will live either with their father or with their mother. Usually it is the mother who – possibly through representatives and officials - will win this argumentation. The father and mother disagree on this decision.

The battle, regardless whether the father or mother can be held accountable, can start.

Consequently:

1. Mother offers housing, gives care and is the educator or the children.

2. Both are responsible for raising their children. Mother offers the daily care and father bears the cost to make this possible.

3. Mother is in practice not an educator, but is the one who pays to enable execution of the care by the mother.

4. One of the parents is, or is not, in contact with the child(ren).

5. Parents do not agree with this. Father usually agrees with mother´s claims.

6. Father accepts negative influence by mother on the children.

The council, as neutral party, gives advice, based on its findings.

Manipulation?

Nevertheless, Dutch institutions continue to relativize this. Dutch institutions (e.g. Councils for Youth Protection) often stick to the number of 10% share of divorce battles.

Fathers are more often put at a disadvantage than mothers.

Usually, institutional representatives react like this:

Hear, there’s a sorehead again.

Employees of an institution often do as their leaders say. Law-abiding.

This often applies to institutions:

The higher one´s position in hierarchy, the heavier (equal) weigh his words.

It often seems that workers report what the majority of readers, their bosses, think.

This outweighs their reporting of parents’ thoughts or considerations.

Power

Parents, unfortunately, appear to have no control to stop this.

This is delegated to those workers, who have the power or control.

Unfortunately, all too often, these hold an obsolete or very traditional viewpoint. Different from the justice that institutions claim to uphold.

However, these institutions continue to act. Act according to outdated views.

Equality or emancipation processes turn out not to be really followed. Parents, their children and the authorities are being victimized - structurally and permanently.

Numbers

60% of parents succeed, whether fighting or not, to talk about the children.

At least 40% of parents do not manage, while struggling, to reach agreements on the children. This amounts to 27,500 children each year.

Other institutions, however, which claim to protect children´s interests, continuously boast 10%.

That is not enough!

Not 10%, but 40% is not able.

After all, a quarter of 27,500 is only 6,750 (children).

Defendable, however, seems to be 40% (27,500)

Increase

After 40 years - the average age of the children is between 20 and 40 years - we are already talking about at least one million adults.

• Children: slightly more than one million children (1,000,000)

• fathers (or mothers) about half a million (500,000)

This relates to a total of 17 million