Everyday Resilience: Creating Calm from Chaos

By Valerie Orton

Are you feeling stressed? Not working to your potential? Are you pushing through to meet unreasonable deadlines? Are you wondering how to cope

Everyday Resilience contains answers to your questions and more. Valerie Orton provides practical tools and tips to build your resources to sustain your whole well-being. You will find routines to manage change and stressors that impact you daily.

Using personal stories, research and anecdotes from her work, she shows you how to build resilience and ultimately, find inner peace and calm in times of conflict and change.

It is clear in Everyday Resilience that Valerie walks the talk when it comes to resilience. This is a book that is worth reading more than once. - Steve Moore, Founder and Coach, The Second Chair Capability Development

During my 20 years plus in the HR field...Valerie is right up there with the best I have ever encountered. Valeries caring approach is no act she really does care! This reflects both her personal empathy and her uncanny insight to the needs analysis phase of her work. - Mick Duffy, BlueScope Steel

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press AU
• Release date: Aug 16, 2016
• ISBN: 9781504303408

Valerie Orton

Valerie Orton is a speaker, facilitator and coach who helps individuals and businesses achieve deep sustainable change to become happier and calmer. With over twenty years People Development experience, she is passionate about helping people to think and act in different, more positive ways. Valerie lives in Australia near Sydney Harbour where she walks most days.

Book preview

Copyright © 2016 Valerie Orton

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

All inquiries should be made to the author.

The material in this publication is of the nature of general comment only, and does not represent professional advice. It is not intended to provide specific guidance for particular circumstances and it should not be relied on as the basis for any decision to take action or not take action on any matter which it covers. Readers should obtain professional advice where appropriate, before making any such decision. To the maximum extent permitted by law, the author and publisher disclaim all responsibility and liability to any person, arising directly or indirectly from any person taking or not taking action based on the information in this publication.

Text design by Neil Marvin Gerson

Cover design by Samantha Black

Editing by Allison Watkins

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com.au

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-0339-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-0340-8 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date: 07/29/2016

C ontents

Introduction

Recognition

The Divorce Gift

Where Am I?

It Will Be Better When …

Responsibility

The Mighty Tully River

A Bit about the Brain

The Chocolate Frog

Courage

Relationships

Bubble Net Fishing

Do You Hate Me?

Regeneration

Regenerate or Destroy

Food Glorious Food

The S Word

Spiritual Warrior

My Church

The Philosophy of Yoga

Bindis in the Backyard

The M Word

The Flying Woman

Resources

People as Resources

Building Creativity Using Collage

On Death and Loss

Singing in the Rain

Mr Perfect

Reflection

The Reflective Skier

Double Black Diamond

Gratitude

Rejoicing

A Yellow Rose

The Pole

Celebrating Being Out of Rhythm

Where to from here?

Endnotes

Recommended Reading

Acknowledgements

Work with Valerie

About Valerie

I ntroduction

Resilience is like the keel of a sailboat. As the winds of life blow, resilience keeps you balanced and moving forward. And when the really big squalls come – no life is without them – resilience lets you right the boat as soon as possible.

- Rick Hanson

A former colleague – I’ll call her Davina – started working at a major bank when she was sixteen. She is now thirty-five. She has had many jobs in different areas, and been recognised for her work, but has now climbed to a place professionally where she is worried about the next step. Her self-esteem is wavering and although she is studying for a law degree, she oscillates between thinking about moving companies and shoring up her current role.

Another colleague, Daniel, left our department for a smaller organisation but a more senior role and pay packet to match. Now he is finding new challenges. Corporate regulations are tightening, the new company is changing shape, and he is learning to build his team. Daniel also worries about his own mental health and that of his contemporaries.

A third colleague, whom I’ll call Don, runs his own business and struggles with the challenges of doing everything himself. He is constantly tired, being pushed and pulled in different directions, and working in the business, not on the business.

With multiple restructures in departments, and increased pressure for increased productivity from fewer staff members, what can employees and business owners do to build resilience and a sense of inner peace? This book is for all the Davinas, Daniels and Dons in corporations and small businesses who face these everyday issues of stress, overwhelm and uncertainty about the future.

My research has found that there are three main problems they face. Firstly, stress, overwhelm and uncertainty lead to burn-out, absenteeism and presenteeism. Secondly, some employees are not fully engaged in their role. This means they are not as productive as they or their managers would like. Thirdly, feeling insecure about their future can lead to a decrease in self-confidence. This can negatively impact work and personal relationships, mental health and life balance.

Some of the signs of these include outward bravado and aggressiveness, a short fuse in meetings, chronic illness, working long hours and ‘pushing on through’, and, finally, eating or drinking too much to squash the pain and negative feelings.

From the time I was told that my role at the bank was being made redundant, colleagues have asked me how I stayed calm and centred. More recently, small business clients have asked me how I do what I do. I’ve realised how important my everyday habits and rituals are to building and maintaining my resilience.

One of my corporate programs is on Personal Productivity. Participants gained up to five hours per day in which to do what they want using techniques I taught them. This means they can go home earlier, have weekends with their family and get more done in less time at work. I’ve received testimonials from participants ten years after a program saying that they are still using the tools and techniques they learned, which are still making a difference in their lives.

Why am I telling you this? Because some of those tools I teach are actually part of building resilience. Participants become less stressed, more engaged with each other and their roles, and more productive. They feel more confident about their futures and work to their full potential. So I have drawn on these tools, current research and my own personal experiences to bring you this book.

Some people think of resilience as a way to cope with something difficult. I disagree. I think of ‘coping’ as a struggle, a survival skill – a way to ‘battle on’, ‘muddle through’ or ‘get by’. I’d like to offer my version of resilience as a way to ‘manage life better’. Successful people have tools and strategies which keep them on track and able to navigate life in a more positive, useful way. I’d like to offer a bigger picture to help you build resilience and to improve your life at the same time. To create your own sense of calm, your own inner peace in times of outer conflict, whatever that conflict or chaos may be.

One of my degrees is in Social Ecology and many people ask what that is. My simple definition: It is the relationship between people and their environment. Most of my professional work has been in a corporate environment as an employee or consultant, so the workplace environment is what I focus on. Another more complicated definition is as follows: ‘Social Ecology provides a holistic framework for change, based on the interrelationships between the personal, social, environmental and ‘spiritual’. It helps understand how we got here, and how to realise more sustainable, caring futures.’¹

As a Social Ecologist and having experienced business life, as well as having researched the latest management and leadership theories, I take a holistic view of resilience.

I know that most senior leaders explore the deep questions of values, purpose and meaning. Unfortunately, their deep explorations and lifestyle decisions do not always flow down to middle management and employees. The prevailing culture may lead to squabbles and boasting about who is more stressed, and who works longer hours or has more paperwork or emails on their desk or computer. This book provides an antidote to those challenges.

In this book, we explore seven themes through which you can build everyday resilience. Firstly, you need to Recognise the situation you are in, and the triggers that set you off kilter. If you can see and feel what is going on, you can make a decision to do something about it. You need to understand yourself, your values and your strengths to build self-awareness. (Chapters 1-3)

Secondly, you need to take Responsibility. When you have a responsibility mindset, you can take action yourself instead of waiting for someone else to change your life or your circumstances. You are responsible for your own rescue, was the message I received before a white-water rafting trip in Cairns. This is the message I ask you to adopt. (Chapters 4-7)

Thirdly, you need to build and nurture Relationships. The first relationship to address is the one that you have with yourself. Can you say you love and accept yourself? It is a vital piece in maintaining resilience. You have further relationships with others. Every day, you interact with work colleagues, your manager and perhaps external clients. Every day, you interact with your partner, friends and family. The way you relate to them impacts your resilience. (Chapters 8-9)

The fourth area is Regeneration. What I mean by this is taking care of yourself and your health – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. To build and maintain resilience, you need to be as healthy as you can be, in order to withstand the winds and storms. One of my example practices is Aikido, which is a peaceful yet dynamic martial art. It uses flowing, circular movements to redirect, transform and neutralise the energy of any attacking force in order to restore harmony and balance to any situation. (Chapters 10-16)

The fifth need is to build Resources. I don’t think it is possible to build resilience alone. You need support. Support could come from your community, family, friends, or resources such as books, the Internet or professional assistance. In all my research, it’s clear that resilient people have backup and ask for support. In this section, I offer a number of resources and suggestions to explore, so you can find what works for you. (Chapters 17-21)

Reflection is the sixth theme of resilience. It is necessary to stop from time to time, whether in prayer, meditation or by a path to admire a flower or the moon. It could be as simple as sitting at your desk after completing something. To sit and do nothing, to allow answers to come freely and find the learning, the joy, in your work and life. (Chapters 22-24)

Finally, my seventh theme is to Rejoice. When was the last time you celebrated the end of a project or the achievement of a goal? Usually, we tick it off the list and move on to the next item. Rejoicing enables you to fully appreciate who you are and what you have accomplished.

In Dale Carnegie’s introduction to his seminal book How to Win Friends and Influence People, he tells the reader that he wrote as much for himself as for the business and professional people he trained: ‘I gradually realized that I was sorely in need of such training myself … How I wish a book such as this had been placed in my hands twenty years ago!’²

This book, in part, is one of those books. I have developed my own resilience over a number of years and found what works. My stories are backed up by academic research from all over the world.

I look forward to your company as we explore everyday resilience. Please take off your shoes, feel the earth or sand beneath your feet, and enjoy the journey with me.

R ecognition

When we recognise our ‘trigger points’, understand when and why our behaviours change, and see the impact they are having on our lives, we are at the first step of building resilience. Trigger points are particular circumstances which cause us to react. For example, you may know that every time someone criticizes your work or touches your computer, you quickly defend yourself or react strongly.

To be resilient, you need self-awareness. Who are you? How do you define yourself? Do you know your values and how you live them? What is important to you? What are your strengths? What comes easily to you and what do you love to do? Do you know your personality style?

As a leader or emerging leader, one of the most important things is to know yourself. Then learn about your team and how to relate to them. I offer a few suggestions of how to do this in the following chapters.

T he Divorce Gift

It’s not your job to like me, it’s mine

- Byron Katie

I was married once. I met him in Austria when we were both ‘ski bums’. I worked at ‘Mali’s’ café on the main street of town for a couple of hours a day in return for lodging and he worked in the kitchen at the Krazy Kanguruh bar and restaurant halfway up the mountain. He was from Sydney and I was from Melbourne. He was an excellent skier in his light blue, striped parka over tight, black skipants. If he wanted to see me, he’d just appear on the slopes and I found out later that he’d cruised the mountain looking for me. How about that!

Nearing the ripe old age of twenty-five, I was ready to get married and thought he was good marriage material – intelligent, a good work ethic, adventurous, fun and, of course, a good skier. I didn’t exactly move to Sydney, I just arrived there and never went back to Melbourne. We didn’t live in Sydney together before we were married, as he found himself a job in Saudi Arabia in the oil fields on what we would now call a FIFO – fly in fly out, two months on, one month off rotation.

We were married in St Andrew’s Cathedral, Sydney, by a distant relative, a descendant of the Reverend Joseph Orton, the first Methodist Minister in Australia.

Then my husband was posted to Brunei, where we lived for two years. My self-esteem wasn’t very strong in those days and there wasn’t a lot of intellectual stimulation for me there.

I played tennis, took up golf and taught yoga at the exclusive sporting club, and learned how to ‘do nothing’ at home. I didn’t have the mental strength to tell him that I wanted to explore the country and we lived quite an insular, expatriate life. We drank a lot of alcohol and he watched films until the early morning when he was not working. I preferred to get up early, so our sleep and time in bed didn’t coincide much.

We bickered and fought and although I loved him and was committed to the marriage, I kept wondering when it would get better. As I look back, by