One Single Mother to Another: A Guide for the Daily Struggles of a Single Mom

By Canderra Holcomb

For a young person, finishing high school and going off to college is a time of eager anticipation and perhaps a bit of fear. It is a time when old dreams can be realized and new dreams formed. Those dreams are dashed if you are young and discover that you are pregnant. All your hopes disappear in that instant. You may even think your life is over.

But your life is not over. It has just changed direction. Author Canderra Holcomb knows this first-hand. In One Single Mother to Another: A Guide for the Daily Struggles of a Single Mom, Holcomb shares how her life changed the moment she found out she was pregnant at the age of 19. Holcomb helps you come to terms with your feelings about the unplanned pregnancy. She guides you through multiple issuesincluding child supportdealing with the babys father, your family, your friends, and eventually dating.

Based on the authors personal experience, this guidebook offers advice and encouragement to help others make it through the experience of single motherhood and create a successful life for both mother and child.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: May 12, 2016
• ISBN: 9781490895307

Canderra Holcomb

Canderra Holcomb was born in Detroit, Michigan, and raised in Houston, Texas. She has been a single mother of two daughters for over twenty years. She is a vice president and team lead in product management in the banking industry. She attends conferences and workshops and is an active volunteer in her community.

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Copyright © 2016 Canderra Holcomb.

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Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered trademarks of Biblica, Inc. Use of either trademark for the offering of goods or services requires the prior written consent of Biblica US, Inc.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-9241-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-9242-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-9530-7 (e)

WestBow Press rev. date: 04/25/2016

Contents

Dedication

Preface

The Unexpected

Dealing With Becoming A Single Mom

Chapter 1 The Pregnancy

Chapter 2 Becoming Independent & Putting Your Child’s Needs First

Chapter 3 Take Care of yourself

Chapter 4 Get Prepared & Staying Focused

Your Baby’s Father

Chapter 5 Getting Child Support

Chapter 6 The Relationship With Your Child’s Father

Chapter 7 The Other Woman

The Struggle

Chapter 8 Your Needs

Chapter 9 Financial Struggles

Relationships

Chapter 10 Friends

Chapter 11 Family/Mother

Relationships With Men

Chapter 12 Finding a Father for Your Child

Chapter 13 Bad Relationship Abusive and/or Controlling Men

Generational Curses

Chapter 14 Breaking the Cycle

Check List

Standing On Your Own

Chapter 15 Living Your Life

Having A Belief

Chapter 16 Having a Belief

Conclusion - My Final Words

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my daughters for their patience and support while writing this book. A special thanks to my mother for always being there for me during this journey of motherhood. I would also like to thank by best friends for helping get through some hard times. Last but not least, thanks to a special group of women for their spiritual guidance, thank you all!

Preface

The purpose of this book is to help young single mothers through their daily struggles in life. In this book I will share my personal experiences with you and offer advice I wish would have been given to me. I’ve included inspirational poems written by two strong women who also went through their own personal struggles of being a single mother. This book will serve as a guide to help motivate and support young mothers and to inspire as they go through their journey. Some names have been changed to protect the identity of individuals mentioned in this book.

The Unexpected

It was June 3, 1992 and I was about to enter into a new era. It was graduation day and I was saying goodbye to my friends, classmates, and mentors. I was turning nineteen and I was ready to take on the world, not knowing what the world had in store for me. I had my whole life planned.

My goal was to attend college in the fall and work toward my nursing degree. My dream was that after college I would become a nurse, get married, and have four children. I’ve always wanted two boys and two girls, to be exact. Not right away, of course, but over time. Who was I kidding? They say if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. God was definitely laughing at me.

In August, I left for college as planned. I was excited, sad, and apprehensive all at once. I was leaving my mother, my brother, and all of my friends behind. Yet I felt like I was ready for a new start. Within a few short months, my goals and dreams drastically changed. I suspected I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do, so I slipped into denial. I thought maybe I wasn’t late and I lost track of my cycle with everything going on in preparation for college. I started noticing my body changing and I knew then I was pregnant. I was scared and felt so alone; who could I turn to? So I started hiding it. I don’t know why; I guess it was out of fear.

I knew I had to tell my mom, but I was more afraid of telling my mother than of becoming a young, unwedded mother. I was fearful of the anger she would have toward me, and I cringed at the thought of her saying how disappointed she was in me. I held off telling anyone as long as I could until around my sixth month when she finally asked me. I’ll never forget that day.

I’d spent the weekend at home and my mother was driving me back to school… and then it came. Are you pregnant? I felt the pit of my stomach drop, and I was at a loss for words. I didn’t know how to answer her, but somehow I managed to mumble a yes. Then she asked me why I didn’t tell her. I still didn’t know what to say, so I said, I don’t know. She then asked how far along I was; of course, I didn’t know since I hadn’t been to a doctor. When she realized I had to be pretty far in my pregnancy, she let out a sigh I would never forget. I don’t know if it was the fact that I was pregnant or if it was because I had hid it from her for so long, but I heard pain in her sigh.

Then my mother asked the million-dollar question. What do you want to do? Do you want to keep it? I told my mother I didn’t believe in abortion (even though it was too late for that), but at the same time, I couldn’t carry a baby full term only to give it up. Whether I knew it or not, I had already made my decision. To my surprise, my mother was calm, comforting, and supportive. She said she would help me and that we would work everything out. When she dropped me off, she gave me a hug, and I went back to my dorm room and sat in silence for a while. I was relieved my secret was out, but the fear still lingered. But it was okay, because I knew I had my mom in my corner.

It is because of that moment, and every other supportive moment in my life, that I have become the woman I am today. I eventually told my roommates, my friends, and my daughter’s father. They were all supportive, but I wasn’t as worried about being accepted by them. It was my mother’s feelings I was more concerned about.

I finished out my year and had my daughter on April 19, 1993, two months before my twentieth birthday. Since then, my mother has always encouraged me to go back to school, work hard, and be a good mother.

I had another support line that I didn’t even know existed. Support which helped me through some scary, potential life-threatening and difficult situations. This support came from God. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I put myself in situations where God brought me out of. I’m going to share these experiences with you throughout my book because you may be able to relate to them. If you can’t relate to them then maybe you can learn from them. I want to help you get to the place where I am in now without having to go through the things I have been through. If you’re already going through it, then I can only hope this will give you support and help you see that there is hope.

Dealing With Becoming A Single Mom

Chapter 1

The Pregnancy

I didn’t know what to do about being pregnant. I was only nineteen and a freshman in college. The only job I had was work-study, but that merely paid my tuition. I definitely didn’t know anything about caring for a baby. I babysat a couple of times, but never for an infant. My world had been turned upside down, and I didn’t know which way to turn.

I experienced so many different emotions throughout my pregnancy; I didn’t think I would survive. I was afraid, angry, and I felt alone. Yes, I had my mother, but I was away at school. When I came home, it was all about the baby. That’s when I first learned about putting your child first.

I was angry because I didn’t have anyone to talk to about what I was going through. I couldn’t understand how someone who isn’t in this world yet could take over your life. It wasn’t until the end where I felt some happiness about my pregnancy. I guess my mother’s excitement of the arrival of my daughter rubbed off on me.

Fear

At first I was afraid to tell my friends and family, especially my mother. My mother and I didn’t have a lot of communication in our relationship except when it came to work and school. You know, the type of conversations you have about what you should and should not do. I was afraid to tell her since she pushed me hard to be independent and to do right so I felt I let her down tremendously.

For me, getting pregnant was the ultimate let down. I knew she was going to be disappointed, and all I ever wanted was my mother to be proud of me. For some reason, I never felt I was good enough or that anything I did made her proud. It’s hard when you compete with a brother who was mister popular and one of the star football players. I didn’t believe I mattered. I never thought I could measure up, and getting pregnant was a step in the opposite direction.

As I said, my mother pushed me to be independent; she often told me I couldn’t depend on a man and that I had to be able to take care of myself. I knew that in order for me to do this I had to go to college and get a good job. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought I failed her somehow.

I didn’t know what my friends and family would say or what they would think about me. I was embarrassed, and I thought they would look down on me. Majority of my fear revolved around becoming someone’s mother. I was still a child myself. I didn’t have a job or money. It was at that moment that I stopped kidding myself and realized I didn’t know the first thing about parenting. Nothing could prepare me for this. I wasn’t responsible enough to take care of myself, much less a baby.

I was worried my dreams of getting married were over because what man wants to be with me if I already have a child? They call this the ready-made family. I figured college was out of the picture because no one could take care of the baby while I was at school. This was not how I wanted things to turn out. I felt as if my life was over and that all of the dreams I had would never come true.

In those moments