True Story, I Swear It - Maybe

By Harvey Cappel

For as far back as I can remember, I have told stories. I can take nearly any situation or event and make a funny story of it. Life is too short to miss out on the fun part. Also for many years I have been writing articles and short stories for various newsletters, newspapers, and even national magazines; some paid but most for free. I enjoy writing to entertain, to inform, and to educate. I have a different view of the world than the average person and not afraid of sharing it. I have, for many years, wanted to write a book but thought that anything I would have to say would be out of date before I finished the book. And then one day, not too long ago, I had an epiphanylife stories, humor, fun philosophy, and basic life lessons dont go out of date. So I wrote this book.

The book is a collection of family stories, tall tales, a few reprints of previously published newspaper articles, a little fun philosophy, and a technical issue or two. Except for a very few of the stories, as noted in the stories, all are original works of mine. The contents are, as you will notice, printed and listed simply, alphabetically. I thought this random arrangement would minimize the potential for one to lose interest and fall asleep reading various versions of the same thing.

My intent in writing this book was not just to make some extra cash, but to put down in writing, in a more permanent form, some of my lifes experiences, crazy ideas, and a little technical correctness, for family, friends, and a few others to enjoy.


Please enjoy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Aug 21, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483685755

Harvey Cappel

Harvey Cappel is a semiretired mechanical engineer. As of this writing, he is still married to Betty, a relationship that has endured fifty-five years of one day at a time—during Christmas season, it’s hour by hour. This produced, as of this writing, four kids, seven grandkids, and five great grandkids. Suffering from “cant remember s----(CRS)” he says he can’t be exactly sure of his age at their wedding, but being good at math, he claims it must have been when he was about nine years old. Among his life adventures, he has been a business owner, Texas licensed professional engineer, certified electronics technician, full-scale airplane pilot, United States marine, inventor, amateur writer, local newspaper guest writer, small newspaper owner, antique car restoration mechanic, semipro drag race car driver and mechanic, and is currently a part-time windstorm engineer and radio-control model-airplane pilot instructor. And according to his wife, seriously immature for his age.

Book preview

True

Story,

I Swear It -

Maybe

True Stories and Tall Tales

Harvey Cappel

Copyright © 2013 by Harvey Cappel.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2013914901

ISBN:   Hardcover   978-1-4836-8574-8

   Softcover   978-1-4836-8573-1

   Ebook   978-1-4836-8575-5

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted

in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system,

without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 08/19/2013

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris LLC

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

139848

CONTENTS

Preface

1.   A Perfect Car Loan

2.   Bible Donkey

3.   Bum Philips

4.   Bush Beans Recipe

5.   Chicken And The Egg

6.   Jack Devoti: Fisherman, Inventor, Brewmaster And White Liar

7.   Dial 1: Standardized Language Selection Menu

8.   Electricity For Dummies

9.   Fast Pitch

10.   Feral-Hog Solution

11.   First Day In Heaven

12.   Funeral Home Doors

13.   Ghosts

14.   Hogs To Slaughter

15.   How To Hypnotize A Chicken

16.   Jericho

17.   Last Deer Hunt

18.   Leroy White

19.   Love

20.   Luck Comes From Heaven

21.   Man Cookies

22.   My Singing Career

23.   Odeo’s Ark

24.   Our Kids’ Stories

25.   Petrochemicals: What, Why And How?

26.   Polarization Invisibility

27.   Rainbow Bridge

28.   Report On Hell

29.   Sewer Safari

30.   Smart First Grader

31.   Smokey-Water Myth Busted

32.   Snake Stories

33.   Steve’s Garage

34.   Toad Suck Fairy Park

35.   Trillion Dollars

36.   Two Funerals

37.   Voodoo Woman

38.   Weather Scares

39.   Work Fun

40.   X Stuff

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to my wife and best friend of fifty-five years, Betty. To date, she is the only one in my life that has had my back 100 percent of the time. Actually there were a few times, when I really messed up, that I’m sure she was looking for a soft spot on my back. Since I’m not normal, having my back during all of my adventures is really something special. Without her, I’m sure that by now I would be dead or in jail. She’s been told by her friends, more than once, that there will be a special place in heaven for her because of her life with me. I’d have to agree. But she can’t say it wasn’t interesting and occasionally fun. And finally—Betty, it aint over yet, hang on.

PREFACE

For as far back as I can remember, I have told stories. I can take nearly any situation or event and make a funny story of it. Life is too short to miss out on the fun part. Also for many years I have been writing articles and short stories for various newsletters, newspapers, and even national magazines; some paid but most for free. I enjoy writing to entertain, to inform, and to educate. I have a different view of the world than the average person and not afraid of sharing it. I have, for many years, wanted to write a book but thought that anything I would have to say would be out of date before I finished the book. And then one day, not too long ago, I had an epiphany—life stories, humor, fun philosophy, and basic life lessons don’t go out of date. So I wrote this book.

The book is a collection of family stories, tall tales, a few reprints of previously published newspaper articles, a little fun philosophy, and a technical issue or two. Except for a very few of the stories, as noted in the stories, all are original works of mine. The contents are, as you will notice, printed and listed simply, alphabetically. I thought this random arrangement would minimize the potential for one to lose interest and fall asleep reading various versions of the same thing.

My intent in writing this book was not just to make some extra cash, but to put down in writing, in a more permanent form, some of my life’s experiences, crazy ideas, and a little technical correctness, for family, friends, and a few others to enjoy.

Please enjoy.

A PERFECT CAR LOAN

This is about when I was so poor I could have qualified to live under a bridge, except back then we didn’t have that many bridges.

My wife was raised by her aunt and uncle, both of whom spoke more Cajun French than English. The aunt spoke only French. My wife had some difficulty with English in the first grade but she has now fully recovered. Her vocabulary at times leaves me speechless; actually not so, but it sounded like something I should include in this story. Truth though is she can hold her own with me or anyone else we know. She’s getting better by the day and I’m losing ground.

Her uncle owned a furniture store in town and was known by the family to be rather well off. This proved to be a slight problem when he died broke. Some of the family assumed that my wife inherited all this money. Those that did assume that had to also assume that we didn’t spend the money because we were as poor after his death as before. All this background will become relevant as this story progresses.

Just before her uncle’s death, he had bought a new 1964 six-cylinder Ford Falcon. He bought it from his nephew, a car salesman. Being a good car salesman, he stuck it to his old uncle, and on top of that he set up the financing to consolidate another bank loan. This made the loan on the car several hundred dollars higher than what the car was worth. This of course was not a problem until his death and the car was no longer needed; the aunt did not drive. So the nephew, who was also the estate assistant executor, decided that the car should be willed to my wife; didn’t tell the family about the overpriced car note that was also to be willed to her. I told him we could not accept the car because we were too poor to pay the note. His answer was that the estate would pay the note. Sounds like a pretty good deal then, except that I didn’t like six-cylinder anythings, especially Falcons. But we took the assumed-to-be-free car anyway. This sweetened deal was obviously motivated by his need to keep his bum car-selling deal a secret.

Three months later, the car-selling nephew informed me that the estate could not afford to pay the car note any longer. Does that remind you of a car salesman or what? Well, I was at that time working for minimum wage and trying to attend college without any financial help from anyone except my bank that was loaning me money to go to college. It was near the end of the college semester, and that’s when I would go to the bank and renegotiate a loan for the next semester; quite often, that included consolidating other loans. So I had a plan to add this car loan to my loan plan and keep the car. However, I still had two or three months before I could do this. Meanwhile I couldn’t pay the car note. Lucky for me, I had not had the time or money to change the title of the car to me; it was still in my wife’s deceased uncle’s name. And by the way, during this time my wife’s aunt, suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, was unable to communicate even in French. Her mutterings were like a crazy person’s and she was in a nursing home.

Now this is where the fun starts. Remember, the car loan is more than the car is worth, and I don’t really need or want the car—it’s a six-cylinder Falcon. About two months after I had not paid a loan payment on the car, a loan officer of the bank holding the car loan called me. The conversation went like this.

Bank guy:   Mr. Cappel, you are way behind on your loan payment and you need to get with the program quickly or else.

Me:   Well, if that’s the way you feel about it, you need to know that you have the wrong number. I don’t own the car you are talking about and if you want it, come get it. It’s in my driveway; I don’t even want the car.

Bank guy:   What do you mean you don’t own the car? I was told that your wife was given the car by her uncle.

Me:   That’s right but as I told you, I don’t own the car; the title is still in her uncle’s name.

Bank guy:   Well, can you tell me how to get in touch with her uncle?

Me:   No, he’s dead and I can’t tell you how to get in touch with the dead.

Bank guy:   Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that. Did he have a wife?

Me:   Yes.

Bank guy:   Well, can I talk to her?

Me:   I doubt it, she only speaks French.

Bank guy:   Well, we can have someone that speaks French talk to her.

Me:   I don’t think that’s going to work.

Bank guy:   Why not?

Me:   Because she’s crazy and wouldn’t have a clue as to what you were talking about.

Bank guy:   (Without me hearing it) Oh, s—.

Me:   Now sir, it’s time for you to listen to me and take my offer or else.

Bank guy:   Yes, Sir Mr. Cappel, I’m sure we can work something out.

The perfect loan: you have the property but the loan is in the name of a dead person. Try it.

BIBLE DONKEY

If you have read much of the Bible, you have seen the word ass used to describe a donkey. Seems a little odd to see that word in the Bible but there it is, used over and over. People like me, when seeing something like that, wonder why. Is there a story behind this, and if so, what’s the story? Now I don’t presume to know any more about the Bible than what I read, so this story is just for fun. It does offer an explanation, but I’m sure it really does not truthfully explain the use of ass in the Bible. If you are sensitive about humorous stories about the Bible, then you might want to pass on this one.

One day soon after creation, as the story goes, Eve picked the forbidden fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and ate it and got Adam to eat it too. Now they were knowledgeable and could see that they were naked. God noticed them hiding amongst the banana leaves and realized that they had eaten the forbidden fruit. God asked Adam about it and Adam said Eve made me do it (the beginning of blaming someone else.) When God questioned Eve, she blamed it on the serpent. And when God questioned the serpent the serpent blamed it on the donkey.

Now God was determined to get to the bottom of this, so he went looking for and found the donkey. To God’s surprise, the donkey proceeded to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. The donkey said that the BS stops here; Eve did it and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

God believed the donkey and went back to Eve for some serious talking. It was a very bad day for Eve and she was, to say the least, seriously mad at the donkey.

Next morning, when Adam and Eve were having breakfast, the donkey wandered by and went into the Garden of Eden. Eve saw this and soon after doing the breakfast dishes went looking for the donkey. Upon finding the donkey, she looked the donkey straight in the eye and said you’re an asshole. From that day forward the shortened version ass was used to describe a donkey in all the Bible stories.

If this is not true, how do you know?

BUM PHILIPS

Now I’m sure most of you remember Bum Phillips as the colorful, down-to-earth Houston Oilers football coach. I know Bum but not in a way you would ever guess. I went to high school in Nederland, Texas, when Bum Phillips was there as head football coach. I saw him nearly every day but not at football practice.

I didn’t play football in high school because of the following: on my last day in high school as a high school senior, I weighed only 120 pounds; I had to work every day after school; and most importantly, I could not see a future in me practicing every day to get the s____ kicked out of me every Friday night.

My after-school job was at a local drive-in theater where I got an extra seventy-five cents to stay till the last show was over and lock the place up. This got me home on average at about two to three in the morning. Not the best practice for getting up to go to school at about seven. So I rarely got to school on time.

Remember back when, if you got to homeroom late, they sent you to the principal’s office; maybe they still do, I don’t know. I was always late, so I went to the principal’s office two to three days a week for most of my last two years of high school. When I got to the principal’s office, they sent me to the head disciplinarian. Remember again, back then, coaches had to work during school hours just like the rest of the teachers, so they handled the discipline and library monitoring; kind of the mean and dumb duties. Bum was the head disciplinarian, so I got to see him nearly as often as his football players.

It would go like