The Lonely Dad Conversations

By Chris Gethard

Comedian and actor Chris Gethard sits down with some of his closest comrades for no-holds-barred conversations about transitioning to dad life.

It’s no secret that parenting isn’t easy. The way life changes when two people decide to raise a child together can be unexpectedly… different. A rollercoaster of emotions — ranging from excitement to surprise to inspiration to sadness and even loneliness — ensues as the everyday shifts from what once was to what now is. When it comes to being a new dad — as Chris Gethard explores in his latest Scribd Original, The Lonely Dad Conversations — there is definitely a lot to be said about seeking comfort with those who share in these newfound and sometimes overwhelming feelings of change.

Featuring interviews with twelve of Gethard’s closest dad friends (and one mom because — as Gethard notes — she is “one of the smartest people” he knows and “might have some insight into presenting masculinity that no one else could offer”), The Lonely Dad Conversations looks at how social interactions, relationships, and friendships can change upon becoming a dad. As the long nights of partying turn into long nights of diaper duty or constant worries about their child’s future (especially in a post-pandemic world), each dad — and one mom — offers insight into how they managed a complete lifestyle pivot. And while being a mom is “actually more difficult,” as one interviewee points out, dads “are allowed to complain too.”

Following up on his deeply personal book Dad on Pills: Fatherhood and Mental Illness, Gethard “airs out the conversations that dads often feel too nervous to have” in The Lonely Dad Conversations by tapping into the thoughts and emotions of those around him as they reflect on their own childhoods and learned family values.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Everand Originals
• Release date: Mar 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9781094453965

Chris Gethard

CHRIS GETHARD is a comedian and creator of The Chris Gethard Show and host of the popular weekly podcast Beautiful Stories from Anonymous People. His Judd Apatow-produced one-man show, Career Suicide, premiered on HBO and was nominated for the Lucille Lortel award for its off-Broadway run. He lives in Queens, New York.

Book preview

Table of Contents

Introduction

The Interview Breakdowns

Chapter 1: The Party’s Over

Chapter 2: The Loneliness

Chapter 3: The Backseat Passenger

Chapter 4: We All Think Our Dads Did a Good Job; We Would Definitely Like to Improve Upon It

Chapter 5: Two Analogies That Are on Point Even Though They Tie into the Way Men Have to Route Every Conversation through Pop Culture or Sports

Chapter 6: We Aren’t Supposed to Be Raising Kids in Isolation

Chapter 7: Men Are Terrible at Making Friends and Being Friends

Chapter 8: Introverts and Extroverts

Chapter 9: The Outliers

Chapter 10: Murf on Drugs

Chapter 11: Loss

Chapter 12: Lease to Buy

Chapter 13: We’re All Just Aiming to Be a Cool Lesbian Mom

Conclusion

About the Author

About Scribd

Introduction

All I am is an exhausted and overwhelmed dad.

I’m not a sociologist. I’m no ethnographer. I’m far from an academic (that one, I am maybe least of all). I’ve been thinking about going to grad school, so a few months ago, I requested my undergrad transcripts from Rutgers. I got a C+ in a class called Dinosaurs. It’s hard to get a grade that low in a class about dinosaurs. My son, right now at the age of three, knows enough about dinosaurs to get at least a B-.

Speaking of my son, Cal, he’s great. Cute and rambunctious and a very funny pain in the ass. He’s still very innocent too. Two weeks ago, he dropped a toy, and in his frustration, shouted, Fuck you!

He had just started attending preschool at a building that houses up to eighth graders, so I figured he must’ve picked it up from an older kid. (I tell myself this to assuage the guilt. It definitely could have been from me.)

Anyway, my sweet little guy drops the F-bomb: Fuck you!

I exploded. What did you say?

He looked confused and caught. He knew he’d done something wrong, but he wasn’t sure what. There was nervousness in his eyes.

"Fuck me?" he asked.

I couldn’t help but laugh. (He’s also figured out that getting me to laugh is a good way for him to stay out of trouble.)

I then explained that the word he used was only for grown-ups and he shouldn’t use it anymore.

Like I said, my son’s a good, innocent kid. And he’s brought so much joy into my life. He makes me laugh like that every day. It’s amazing.

But I’m so tired. I’m often confused. And man, do I feel lonely in it.

I may not be any sort of qualified researcher, but I have a whole bunch of friends who had kids around the same time as I did. And lucky for me, they’re ready to talk. You are about to read selections from thirteen interviews I did with twelve dads and one mom. (This was not originally part of my plan. Halfway through interviewing dads, it occurred to me that I really needed to interview one particular mom friend of mine. You’ll read why later.)

I conducted these interviews in the summer of 2022. I didn’t plan the questions outside of the first one. I asked each person a variation of: When I became a dad, I didn’t anticipate the feelings of loneliness that would come along with it. Did you feel that too? Some of the parents I talked to did. More often, they’d say some version of: For me, it’s not loneliness, but I know exactly what you’re talking about. Here’s where parenthood tripped me up.

From there, the conversations spiraled into any number of unpredicted directions. I’ve been blown away by the honesty of my friends. Even more so, I’ve marveled at some of the common threads these parents brought up independently.

It seems that for modern dads, there are some shared anxieties. From opinions on our own upbringing to sorting out the idea of masculinity and where it stands in current times to altering your life and expectations to accommodate the needs and schedules of others to the piss-poor job men do at talking about our problems, we’re thinking hard about this stuff.

By publishing excerpts of these interviews, I hope to air out some conversations that dads often feel too nervous to have. We’re trained to avoid vulnerability and openness — past generations taught us that these equated to weakness. That’s just one of the many edicts we’re in the process of rejecting, as these interviewees taught me through their honesty and boldness in explaining their situations and perspectives to me.

I hope this book offers you catharsis if you are a confused dad. I hope it offers you insight if you are the partner of a dad. I have a feeling you might get a peek into what that stoic, quiet dad you share a house with is thinking. At the very least, I hope it offers you some laughs along the way, as I’m blessed to have some very funny friends. I have a feeling that you might read some quotes in here and think to yourself, "That. I’ve never quite managed to verbalize that." I also hope these dads — and one mom — make you feel like your fuck-ups aren’t that bad, or at the very least, aren’t unique to you.

Most of all, if you are in the early stages of parenting, I hope these interviews make you feel less alone. They managed to do so for me, and as I said, loneliness has been a problem these past few years.

I need to make clear from the start that every single dad interviewed also gave a shout-out to his wife without me prompting it. This book focuses on some of the unique conversations surrounding fatherhood, but I don’t want it to be misconstrued in any way as some sort of red pill men’s rights nonsense. That would be a nightmare.

The parents I spoke with marveled at their wives’ skills and sacrifices. They talked about being unable to do this without a strong partner. More than one acknowledged that despite any frustrations they have, they see that it’s even harder for their wives and that their wives have to deal with vast physical and hormonal changes in the processes of pregnancy and motherhood.

Hopefully, this book won’t someday be held up as an example of men having it harder than women in some weird corner of Reddit. That’s not the goal. I want to give light to some of the conversations around being a modern dad that aren’t happening often enough. As one of my interviewees so succinctly put it: I think being a mom is actually much more difficult. But we’re allowed to complain too.

Okay. Enough buildup. Let me introduce you to the friends I’ve interviewed so you know who the hell you’re dealing with here.

*Disclaimer*

The interviews in this book have been edited for clarity and length. Mostly, that means I removed a lot of likes and ums and other verbal tics my generation has fallen into. Outside of that, the intent is to reflect the viewpoints in a way that feels raw and real and genuine to how they were presented during these conversations.

The Interview Breakdowns

Chris Gethard is the interviewer. As previously mentioned, he is also me. I am married to a lady named Hallie, and we live together in New Jersey, where we raise our toddler, Cal.

Keith Haskel first came into my life when he showed up to the public access studio in New York City, where I filmed my old television show, The Chris Gethard Show. He would often dress as a banana. I later found out that he had worked behind the scenes on a ton of television shows, and he’d go on to become one of the top producers of my show when it bounced around to a couple of different cable networks. He moved to Montclair, New Jersey, a year or so before I returned to live in my home state, which has made us even closer. He’s married to my friend Bethany. They have one son and two daughters.

Mike D. has been a dear friend of mine since I was thirteen years old. He’s three years older than me, and he was my older brother’s cool friend in high school. We then attended Rutgers University at the same time, which is where we became really close. He moved to Jersey a year after I did, along with his wife, Rachel, and his preteen daughter, Ada.

Greg Stone is a truly hilarious comedian I met years ago at Stand Up NY. He is also a loving husband to Tida, and the father of a young son, Calvin. He and I have known each other through comedy circles for years, and we realized we grew up a few towns apart. We’ve always been very cordial and fans of each other’s work, but we aren’t the tightest of friends. We’ve never gone out for lunch together or anything. (More on this later.)

Franco Danger is a young and hungry New Jersey-based comedian I’ve gotten to know since I moved back to the burbs. I have a feeling his career will get so big that it will feel strange he took the time to be included in this book. At the age of twenty-three, he began dating a woman, Angelique, and eventually moved in with her and her children, Mark, Nina, and Jaxx. It wasn’t the traditional entry into parenting that most of the others in this book partook in, and I knew the uniqueness of his situation offered a different perspective on parenting and fatherhood that I was excited to learn about.

Blake Kabnick and I met when I moved back to Jersey. His mom lives a few houses down the road from my family, and he’d often visit with his two daughters, Reagen and Emmy. His daughters were extremely nice to my son, which is cool because they’re older and it made him feel good. Blake later moved into a house in our neighborhood along with his current wife, Margaret. She is the mom of River, who is almost the same exact age as my son Cal. Blake and Margaret have also since given birth to Lev, who is probably the chillest baby I’ve ever been around.

Jason Allora bought the house three doors down from me about a year after I moved into my neighborhood. I was immediately excited because he has tattoos and that made me think we might be friends. We bond over comic books and pro wrestling and other nerdy nostalgia. He’s married to Lauren, and he’s the dad to a son named Cooper, who is currently in elementary school.

Jerome Stanley also moved into my neighborhood about a year before I did. He’s an incredible dad (the rest of the dads in the neighborhood talk about it). And he’s a very good guy. I marvel at his ability to stay positive and find the time to help me with so much stuff that I should probably know how to do by myself. He’s married to Katey, and they’re raising FOUR (!) kids: Tripp, Adeline, Killian (my son’s best friend), and a baby named Preston, who never stops smiling.

Murf Meyer costarred with me on my old talk show. He was also the reverend at my wedding, and I was the reverend at his. Needless to say, he and I are extremely bonded, even if we don’t catch up as often as we should; part of that is because he moved across the country to Portland, Oregon. I did stand-up there in 2021 and was lucky to visit him and his wife, Diana, and meet their adorable daughter, Bea, for the first time.

Dave Szarejko sent me a drunken email many years ago saying he liked my public access show, claiming, I can make it bosser. He eventually showed up at the studio and just started working, moving wires and boxes and other stuff. He acted as though we had asked him to be there, so we allowed him to hang out. He was wearing a T-shirt promoting Rutt’s Hut hot dogs in Clifton, New Jersey, so I started calling him Jersey Dave. He’s gone on to become a close confidant and very good friend. More often than not these past few years, if you see me putting something out into the world, Dave has — in some form or another — helped me shape or launch the idea. He lives in Bloomfield, New Jersey, along with his wife, Melanie, and their twins, Oliver and June.

Michael Kayne and I met when I taught an improv class well over a decade ago. I became tight with a bunch of people in the class and did comedy with them for many years. Michael and I have also spent a lot of time playing basketball together. I consider him one of my most trusted friends. He and his wife, Carrie, live in Brooklyn, New York, where they’re raising their son, Truman, and daughter, Willa. They are also the parents of Fisher, Truman’s twin brother, who passed away when he was just over one month old.

Don Fanelli and I met when he was a student in the same improv class I taught where I also met Michael Kayne. Don is from North Jersey as well, and we developed a quick and strong bond. I’m happy to say that, more than any other friend I’ve met through comedy, our friendship stopped depending on shared work pursuits a long time ago. As you’ll read in our interview, this led to me being able to lean on him in some unexpected ways, and his openness and honesty helped lead me to write this book. He’s a very good guy, even if he did move to Los Angeles. He lives there with his wife, the writer/comedian/author Laura Willcox, and their daughter, Joanie, who is a few months older than my son.

Will Miles is a hilarious comedian I met at Stand Up NY, the same club where I met Greg Stone (which is weird, as it’s

Reviews for The Lonely Dad Conversations

[Christopher Laurence · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

In a world where man/dad are basically forbidden to talk about their struggle, weaknesses, and shortcomings, Chris came out very courageous, honest, and empathetic. At least something that we can relate to and to know that we are not alone on the journey of fatherhood. #relatable #encouragement.

[Jason Allora · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Loved it. Chris’s experiences and insights are what all new dads go thru in one form or another. He is just courageous enough to admit and share them. Really enjoyed the book. Highly recommend

Jason A.