Humour for All Ages, Occasions and Celebrations

By Mel Bergstresser

Have you ever been in a situation where you searched for some humor or wanted to share
something humorous with someone and couldnt think of anything or didnt have any humorous
sources handy?
I have been in this situation many, many times when I wanted to share some personal humor
and suitable joke or some interesting story for use as a Master of Ceremonies, so I decided to
develop a collection of not only humor but also puns, interesting stories etc., covering 36 subjects
that could be used for almost every occasion possible.
Enjoy the last of the funny, weird, but good clean jokes, puns and interesting stories!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Aug 23, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483646053

Mel Bergstresser

I was born in 1932, near Estevan, Saskatchewan. This was the time of the Great Depression. Due the economic situation we moved to Morris, Manitoba, Canada, 30 miles south of Winnipeg in 1938. After fi nishing High School I attended University of Manitoba and studied Business Management, and then worked as a Merchandising, and Purchasing Agent for a large Retail fi rm with approximately 300 stores in Western Canada. It was during this time that I was called upon many times to be Master of Ceremonies for weddings and business meetings, etc. In order to prepare and arrange for some humor and various comments suitable for these occasions I had to spend many hours searching various books and sources on many subjects. Gradually I began to collect jokes, quotes, puns and interesting stories which I put into a “Book of Humor for all Occasions”. This is the fi nal result with close to 400 pages of humor, interesting stories, puns and quotes under 36 themes. Even today, during my travels and meeting many individuals I still look up a joke or two and share them with people I meet on a regular basis. Many individuals told me that they look forward to my visits and the humor we share. With the publishing of this Book of Humor I am hopeful that many of you can also share humor and use these for various occasions in your experiences to make life more enjoyable. Remember for good health, laughter is like a medicine! Mel Bergstresser.

Book preview

Copyright © 2013 by Mel Bergstresser.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 09/17/2013

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris LLC

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

135446

CONTENTS

PART 1

1.   Childhood Humour

2.   Teenage Humour

3.   School, College and University Humour

4.   Family, Husband, Wife Humour

5.   Work Place Humour

6.   Humorous Stories

7.   One Liners

8.   Marriage

9.   Weddings Humor

10.   Lawyers

11.   Computers, Technology, etc

PART 2

1.   Armed Forces / Military

2.   Business

3.   Ethnic Humor

4.   Blond humour

5.   Farm

6.   Police

7.   Political / Government

8.   Restaurant / Bar

9.   Sports

10.   Terrorist Humour

11.   Idiots / Stupid people

12.   Puns

PART 3

1.   Inspirational

2.   Religious

3.   Church Humour…

4.   Heart Warming Stories

5.   Lessons of Life

6.   Mind Benders… .

7.   Seniors

8.   Medical

9.   Movies

10.   Cultural

11.   Random Thoughts (one liners etc.)

12.   Misc. Humor, Puns

13.   Death

A complete source of humour covering 36 different subjects.

Ideal for anyone who wishes to share some personal humour, or for Master of Ceremonies, and Chairmen leading meetings being for business, secular and religious occasions.

Last of the CLEAN, HUMOROUS and belly laughing jokes!

Humour—that will extend your life:

—Jokes!

—Anecdotes!

—One liners!

Laughter is like a medicine, don’t neglect to use it!

Assembled by Mel. H. Bergstresser

Have fun and enjoy the sometimes funny and other times corny humour.

Note: Please note that the jokes here are non-copyrighted fun stuff that was found from around the Internet, Emails and various other sources. If by chance we have posted a copyrighted joke without attribution, please contact us to let us know which joke is in question. This way, we can either remove the joke or give proper credit to the author.

PART 1

1

Childhood Humour

Thought you might enjoy this. If you were in our church the night the campers reported, you would have heard the basis of this letter. I’ve embellished it somewhat. Dear Mom & Dad: We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. There sure are a lot of dead birds in the lake and it’s not a lot of fun trying to swim between them. Scoutmaster Webb says it’s OK, though, because mercury doesn’t hurt people. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning; it started a forest fire on the north side of the lake, so we could see real well. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the loud thunder so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. As did some of our clothes. And a sleeping bag. We’d been told to take only one pair of pants each; Brad and Jason lost theirs in the fire. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. Remember Jeremy… the one with the jet black hair? He sure looks funny without his eyebrows. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty; and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people and 2 dogs in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Too bad, ’cause fish-tailing sure is fun. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. Terry is big for his age; he’s already 9 years old. But Scoutmaster Webb only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. It’s very exciting backing up quickly on a logging road, especially with a trailer. Once a mountain goat almost hit us. One day while we were wandering through the woods (looking for the camp’s compass which Dennis had lost), Scoutmaster Webb pointed out some interesting plants and animals. First he showed us an evening primrose; it was very pretty. Then he showed us a mountain lion which was following us. Some of us scattered into the bush. What is the cure for poison ivy? This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks into this lake we found up in the mountains. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me dive the second time because I can’t swim yet, and Chad tried but began to sink because of his cast, so he told us to take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. We could hear the waterfalls real good from where we were. We went around a small island but it was too misty, so we went back. Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even raise a fuss because we’d forgotten the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We are all working on our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm on this rock just under the surface, we got to see how a tourniquet works. But now Glen doesn’t have a shirt, and it gets pretty cold at night without a shirt and a sleeping bag. Since this camping trip is a wilderness adventure, Scoutmaster Webb insisted that we take no canned food with us. Boiled pine bark isn’t that bad, but the syrupy stuff sticks to everything. We did fry up some steaks which he brought along, but they were for photography. Mr. Webb simmers them in the middle of our circle at night, and then he takes pictures of the animals which come for the meat. I don’t think wolves would make good pets. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover squirrel which had been run over by a logging truck. He knows a lot about natural herbs, so he boiled some hemlock and told us to drink it. But we didn’t feel any better, so he made us lie down in a sheltered den on the side of a canyon. Did you know that bears sleep in the daytime? I have to go now. We are hitch-hiking into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Brad and Jason will be buying pants. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine and nothing bad has happened yet. By the way, did you hear about the big prison break? The jail is only 3 miles from here. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

*     *     *

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF . . . KIDS!

On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis’ Church. It must be a franchise, her eight-year-old son said. We’ve got one of those in our town too.

*     *     *

A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday. One little boy wrote: "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there!

*     *     *

Bouncing out of her first day in nursery school at Mount Moriah Presbyterian Church in Port Henry, New York, a three-year-old girl gleefully informed her mother: We had juice and Billy Graham crackers!

*     *     *

Rev. David A. Stammerjohn, pastor of Laboratory Presbyterian Church, Washington, Pennsylvania, spent a week at the Synod school with his two children. The school’s theme focused on Moses and the Exodus. When they returned home, his five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother: Guess what, Mommy. We made unleaded bread!

*     *     *

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, Yes, but in those days there were only 13.

*     *     *

Four-year-old Tucker Jones attended the vacation Bible school at our church. The theme was Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth. His mother, Trish Jones, asked Tucker what he had learned.

He immediately told her all bout Jesus and the 12 recycles.

*     *     *

A five-year-old was reading and came to a word she didn’t know. She asked her dad, What does garff’ mean? At least her pronunciation made it sound like garff. He said, I’m not sure I understand the word. Can you use it in a sentence?

Exasperated, she said very slowly… "Sure: What… does… garff… mean?

*     *     *

Little Johnny was always sucking his thumb and his mother couldn’t get him to stop, so when they were in a restaurant she finally in exasperation said to him that if he didn’t stop he would get a big stomach like the man at the next table. A few days later they were in a mall when an expectant lady walked by. Johnny fixed his eye on her for a while, until she asked him why he was staring, as he didn’t even know her. He answered, I may not know you but I know what you were doing!!

*     *     *

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.

She said . . . And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said ‘Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?’

Then the teacher asked the class, And what do you think that man said? and my friend’s son raised his hand and said I know! I know!, he said… . ‘Holy smokes! A talking pig!’

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

*     *     *

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honour thy father and thy mother, she asked Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat one little boy (oldest in a family) answers, Thou shall not kill.

*     *     *

An honest seven-year-old admitted to her parents that Billy Brown kissed her after class. How did that happen? gasped her mother. It wasn’t easy, three girls helped me catch him.

*     *     *

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?

Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?

*     *     *

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there’s the teacher; she’s dead.

*     *     *

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.

Why is it, then, that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet? A little fellow shouted, Cause yer feet ain’t empty."

*     *     *

Resignation:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 7 year old again.

I want to go to Burger King and think it was a 4 star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think that M&M’s are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew was colors, multiplication tables and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you do now and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and to be excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, and making angels in the snow.

So, here’s my check book, car keys, credit cards, bills, and my T4 statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you wish to discuss it further, you’ll have to catch me first, ’cause… TAG YOU’RE IT!!!

*     *     *

From the mouths of babes:

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping.

*     *     *

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. Momma, look what I found, the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered, It’s Adam’s suit!!

*     *     *

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

*     *     *

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church. Why? Who’s going to stop me? Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, See those two men at the door? They’re hushers.

*     *     *

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, No, how are we alike? You’re both old, he replied.

*     *     *

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus?

The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

*     *     *

One Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and Quoted Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbour’s wife.

*     *     *

I had been teaching my three year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: Lead us not into temptation, she prayed, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen,

*     *     *

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, I was being the Ring Bear.

*     *     *

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was acting up during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, Pray for me! Pray for me!

*     *     *

And one particular four-year old prayed, And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.

*     *     *

One student’s prayer: Now I lay me down to rest, And hope to pass tomorrow’s test. If I should die before I wake, That’s one less test I have to take.

*     *     *

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.

I’m having a real good time like I am."

*     *     *

Quick Wit:

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, Can people predict the future with cards?

His response was, My mother can.

The teacher replied, Really?

The young boy was quick to explain, Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.

*     *     *

A little boy came downstairs crying. His mother asked what was wrong?

He said that Dad had hit his thumb with the hammer as he was putting a nail in the wall to hang up a picture in his room. Why are you crying, as it was dad who has the pain. You should be laughing!

I did!!!

*     *     *

I remember my first day of school. My parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. I didn’t know anybody—I was surrounded by trees.—Janine Di Tullo

*     *     *

RETIRED GRANDPARENTS:

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked centre and call it pot luck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

*     *     *

Proverbs from a kids point of view. A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you;

Better to be safe than… . Punch a kid bigger than you

Strike while the… . Bug is close

Never underestimate the power of… . Termites

You can lead a horse to water but… . how?

Don’t bite the hand that… . looks dirty

No news is… . impossible

A miss is as good as a… . Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog new… . math

If you lie down with dogs, you’ll… . stink in the morning

Love all, trust… . me

The pen is mightier than the… . pigs

An idle mind is… . The best way to relax

Where there’s smoke there’s… . pollution

Happy the bride who… . gets all the presents

A penny saved is… . not much

Two’s company, three’s… . The Musketeers

Don’t put off till tomorrow what… . you put on to go to bed

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… . you have to blow your nose

None are so blind as… . Stevie Wonder

Children should be seen and not… . spanked or grounded

If at first you don’t succeed… . get new batteries

You get out of something what you… . see pictured on the box

When the blind leadeth the blind… . get out of the way

And the favourite… .

Better late than… . pregnant

*     *     *

What is a Grandmother? What is a Grandfather?

A Grandma is a lady who has no children of her own. She likes other people’s little girls and boys.

A Grandfather is a man grandmother. He walks with the boys and they talk about fishing and tractors and things like that. Grandmothers and Grandfathers don’t have to do anything but be there.

They are old so they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is enough if they drive us to the market where the pretend horse is and have lots of dines ready. Or if they take us for walks they should slow down passing things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They should never say Hurry up.

Usually they are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums off.

It is better if they don’t type or write, or play cards except with us. They don’t have to be smart, only answer questions like why dogs hate cats and how come God isn’t married.

They don’t talk baby talk like visitors because it is hard to understand.

When they read to us they don’t skip words or mind if it is the same story again and again.

Everybody should try to have one, especially if you don’t have a television because Grand mothers and Grandfathers are the only grownups who have time!

*     *     *

DRESS-UP:

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit. And why not, darling? You know that it always gives you a headache next morning.

*     *     *

SCHOOL:

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. I’m just wasting my time, she said to her mother.

*     *     *

Lil’ Johnny’s mother took her 5 year-old boy with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather large lady wearing a business suit and a pager.

Lil’ Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, Hey, Mom, she’s REALLY FAT."

Johnny’s mother was mortified and gave Johnny a quiet reprimand.

After a minute or two, Lil’ Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, I bet her butt is *that* wide.

The lady turned and told Johnny’s mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with a severe punishment if he didn’t keep quiet. Things were quiet for a while. All of the sudden, the large lady’s pager began beeping.

Lil’ Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE’S BACKING UP!!!!

*     *     *

WHY TEACHERS GET GRAY HAIR:

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That’s impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn’t, Teacher I’m eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WILLY: Me!

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?

BILLY: No, I’m Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: Didn’t you promise to behave?

STUDENT: Yes, Sir.

TEACHER: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?

STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don’t expect you to keep yours.

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground then you are.

HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

TEACHER: Of course not.

HAROLD: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

TEACHER: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper.

JOHN: I hope you didn’t either.

GARY: I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.

TEACHER: I agree, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

JUNIOR: Because of absence.

MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.

FATHER: What’s that?

TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.

SAMMY: You can’t fool me, Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

JOSE: Don’t bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with I.

ELLEN: I is…

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, I am.

ELLEN: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

TEACHER: Max, use defeat, defense, and detail in a sentence.

MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?

SASHA: A new bike.

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

VINCENT: One dollar.

TEACHER (sadly): You don’t know your arithmetic.

VINCENT (sadly): You don’t know my father.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

BOY: Isn’t the principal a dummy!

GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?

BOY: No.

GIRL: I’m the principal’s daughter.

BOY: And do you know who I am?

GIRL: No.

BOY: Thank goodness!

*     *     *

To those who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students… here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was, Don’t. Don’t what? Adam replied.

Don’t eat the forbidden fruit. God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?

Hey, Eve… we have forbidden fruit!

No way!

Yes, way!

Do NOT eat the fruit! said God.

Why?

Because I am your Father and I said so! God replied, (wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants).

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!

Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit? God, as our first parent, asked?

Uh huh, Adam replied.

Then why did you? said the Father.

I don’t know, said Eve.

She started it! Adam said, Did not!

Did too!

"DID NOT!

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake

*     *     *

Advice for the day:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two aspirin and Keep away from children.

*     *     *

God is watching . . .

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was large pile of apples.

The nun made a note that said, Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A boy wrote a note, Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

*     *     *

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

That sure is a nice fire truck. the fire fighter says with admiration.

Thanks. the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

Little partner, the fire fighter says, I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.

The little girl says, You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.

*     *     *

An employer, concerned with his best worker not showing up for work, decides to give him a call. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper, Hello?

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, Is your Daddy home? Yes, whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him? the man asked. The small voice whispered, No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, Is your Mommy there?

Yes, came the answer. May I talk with her? Again the small voice whispered, No.

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home lone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

Is there anyone else there in your house? the boss asked the child.

Yes, whispered the child, a policeman.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the Boss asked, May I speak with the policeman?"

No, he’s busy, whispered the child. Busy doing what? asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman, whispered the child.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, What s that noise?

A hello-copper, answered the whispering voice.

What is going on there? asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed hushed voice the child answered, The search team just landed the hello-copper.

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, What are they searching for?

Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: "Me."

Don’t you just love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*     *     *

NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD:

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell?

The little girl replied, Then you ask him.

*     *     *

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?

The girl replied, I’m drawing God.

The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute.

*     *     *

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for? The second kid says, I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.

The first kid says, You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.

The second kid then asks, What are you here for?

The first kid says, A circumcision.

And the second kid says, Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year…

*     *     *

Why We Love Children:

1.   A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked her pupil.

Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move, answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.

2.   A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later… . Da-ad… . What? I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water? No, You had your chance. Lights out. Five minutes later:

Da-aaaad… . WHAT? I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?? I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!! Five minutes later… . Daaaa-aaaad… . WHAT! When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3.   An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him How do you expect to get into Heaven? The boy thought it over and said, Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’

4.   One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight? The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. I can’t dear, she said.

I have to sleep in Daddy’s room. A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

The big sissy.

5.   It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over an said, That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress? The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.

6.   When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, Mommy, you are getting fat! I replied, Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy. I know, she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?"

7.   A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine… . His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, What are you doing? The little boy answered, I’m doing my math homework, Mom. And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked. Yes, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math? The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition. The mother asked, And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four? After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

8.   One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, . . . . and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling! The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that farmer said? One little girl raised her hand and said, I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9.   A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter. Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, I’m Jane Sugarbrown. The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter? She replied, I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.

10.   A little girl asked her mother, Can I go outside and play with the boys? Her mother replied, No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough. The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?

11.   A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie. She says, Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.

*     *     *

Mothers: The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1.   She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2.    Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.

3.    Mostly to clean the house. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1.   He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2.    Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3.    He made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1.    We’re related.

2.    God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1.   God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.

2.    They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1.    My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2.   I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3.    They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?

1.    Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1.    His last name.

2.    She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1.    My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2.    She got too old to do anything else with him.

3.    My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?

1.    It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1.    Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.

2.    Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3.    I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?

1.    Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.

2.    Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3.    Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1.    Mothers don’t do spare time.

2.    To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What’s the difference between moms and grandmas?

1.    About 30 years.

2.    You can always count on grandmothers for candy.

Describe the world’s greatest mom?

1.    She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!

2.    The greatest mom in the world wouldn’t make me kiss my fat aunts!

3.    She’d always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?

1.    Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.

2.    Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.

3.    Just her children.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1.    On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2.    Diet. You know, her hair. I’d dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1.    She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.

2.    I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

*     *     *

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1)    No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2)    When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3)    If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4)    Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5)    You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6)    Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7)    Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8)    You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9)    Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10)   The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

*     *     *

KIDS IN CHURCH:

3-year-old Reese: Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.

*     *     *

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.

*     *     *

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus!

*     *     *

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

Daddy, what happened to him? the son asked.

He died and went to Heaven, the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, Did God throw him back down?

*     *     *

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

Would you like to say the blessing?

I wouldn’t know what to say, the girl replied.

Just say what you hear Mommy says, the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?

*     *     *

FIVE LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES:

1.    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,

Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?

No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!

2.    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

Why do you do that, mommy? he asked.

To make myself beautiful, said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

What’s the matter? asked Little Johnny. Giving up?

3.    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.

She called on him