The Drive Home: A New Map for Retirement

By Maureen Cochram and Clare Eacott

Maureen Cochram and Clare Eacott share their experiences and innermost thoughts as they move on from their professional careers into retirement.
This is their story about the emergence of a friendship and a journey shared. As they free themselves from years of routine, habits, and other peoples expectations, they discover the boundless possibilities of life after work.
Retirement becomes the catalyst and the vehicle for some profound thinking about the meaning and purpose of life and how to gain fulfilment beyond career.
Written with intimate and honest insights, The Drive Home is a candid account of their parallel and different journeys.
As they come to terms with the life they left behind and the life they truly desire, they engage in a rare exchange of letters, emails, and personal journal entries over three years.
They rediscover with creativity and joy, life on their own terms.
This is not just a book about retirement. It is an intimate reflection of the experience of change and the choices we make at any stage of our lives.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Sep 15, 2016
• ISBN: 9781514498279

Maureen Cochram

Maureen lives on the south coast of South Australia with her son David. She is the mother of three children and grandmother of five. Maureen has established her own business as a transition coach, speaker, facilitator and mentor. Her varied interests include volunteering, writing prose and poetry, reading, gardening, painting and enjoying time with family and friends. She is co-author of a recently published book about transitioning in retirement.

Book preview

Copyright © 2016 by Maureen Cochram & Clare Eacott.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2016911578

ISBN:      Hardcover      978-1-5144-9829-3

                Softcover        978-1-5144-9828-6

                eBook             978-1-5144-9827-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Disclaimer: The authors’ accounts of their experiences in this book are as they remember them. Names and characteristics have been changed to protect people’s privacy. Exceptions are those people who gave permission to use their names.

Rev. date: 10/05/2016

Xlibris

1-800-455-039

www.Xlibris.com.au

650842

Contents

Prelude

Chapter 1: Thinking about Retirement

Chapter 2: Making the Decision

Chapter 3: Leaving Work

Chapter 4: Enjoying Freedom

Chapter 5: Exploring Possibilities

Chapter 6: Navigating Changes

Chapter 7: Living Abundantly

Acknowledgements

Permissions

For our children and grandchildren.

Always have a dream.

Prelude

It all began with random conversations between meetings. We only met occasionally through work. We were almost strangers.

One day, a chance encounter at a coffee shop opened up a profound conversation that was entirely unexpected. That conversation set in train a series of events that changed our lives.

As we talked, we both came to the realisation that we had lost ourselves in our work. We had forgotten what being ourselves was like. We recognised our job had taken over our lives. Where had we been? The same place many people find themselves at some stage in their lives: confused, unclear, and sustained by habits and distractions.

We felt stuck in our work to the exclusion of everything else—unable to go, unable to stay, with no clear idea about how to move forward. We discovered we had become experts at doing at the cost of being. We were living with a profound sense of disconnection.

We each left that coffee shop in the city asking the most powerful question you can ask yourself: ‘What do I really want?’

This was the beginning of a remarkable three-year exchange that grew into a flow of letters, emails, and journal entries, as we transitioned from professional careers to retirement. It was the beginning of our drive home to reconnecting with ourselves and creating a new life on our terms.

CHAPTER 1

Thinking about Retirement

The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.

The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do.

You can act to change and control your life;

and the procedure, the process is its own reward.

—Amelia Earhart

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Soul weary

Hello Maureen,

Help—I need a shoulder to cry on!

I’ve rung your mobile but it’s gone to voice mail. Could you give me a ring when you get this email please? I really need to talk to you.

I’ve just got home and collapsed. I am so tired I want to fall on the floor and never get up. I can’t keep going like this. I’m stuck on a treadmill and apart from resigning; I can’t see how it’s ever going to get any better.

The weekend is coming up. I used to use this time to recover, but now I can barely get through the usual shop, clean, see family, do the garden, and spend time with friends, etc. On Sunday night I know I’ll start to worry again about Monday and my workload.

I can feel my life shrinking around me, and one bit of sunshine is our monthly coffee meetings. I’ve had to cancel once too often. I’m so sorry.

It’s all so exhausting. I’m overcommitted with all my projects and the constant interruptions, answering emails and phone calls; it never stops. There is no peace and quiet to think. Years ago I had an office and I got so much work done. I sit in this open-plan space and get interrupted the whole time. I’ve taken to wearing headphones and listening to white noise. How sad is that?

I feel like stopping work altogether. But I don’t know if I can. I’d have to live on my superannuation, and I’ve no idea how much I’ve got. I keep reading that I’ll need to have saved huge amounts. I’ll be working in this job forever because I can never save that much. I feel trapped.

Back again-poured a glass of red. I just have enough energy left to follow the advice of my favourite poet, Omar Khayyam:

Drink wine. This is life eternal

It is the season for wine, roses and drunken friends . . .

Not sure about drunken friends but for now, a glass of McLaren Vale red sure helps.

Clare

*     *     *

Desperate Moment

Journal Entry: Clare

It’s Friday night, and I’ve just sent Maureen a fairly desperate email. I feel so tired.

I’m exhausted inside and out. I’ve been so busy this week, and everyone wanted a bit of me, and now there are no bits left over. I’m desperate for some time to ‘just be’. I’m beginning to feel that too much thinking and doing is bad for my ‘soul’. Now that’s a word I don’t use at work.

I need some peace and quiet. I feel bone weary; perhaps soul weary is more accurate. Everything I do has less and less to do with me: the black suits, the tailored hair, the smart shoes, the briefcase—I’m reduced to black and white. All the colour—and dare I say all the joy—has been sucked out of me. I can’t keep going on like this. I’m overworked to breaking point. And my schedule is ridiculous; on the tram by 8.45 a.m., office by 9.30 a.m., no lunch break, four meetings at least, three major research projects on the go, briefings and correspondence to write, staff to supervise, check emails, answer/return phone calls, leave by 6 p.m., home by 7 p.m. then more work to do.

I read somewhere that the word bureaucracy comes from the French word bureau or desk, so that’s what my life has become: managing work at desks. I’m a creative person; I’ve always been paid to come up with the ideas and find new ways to do things. This overbearing bureaucracy, this Kafka world, doesn’t support the creative work that I want to do. I’m overwhelmed by the sheer volume of paperwork.

I’m so tired of juggling, and I’m coming to the realisation that I don’t fit in anymore. I can do the work—that’s not the problem; it just doesn’t feel authentic for me.

I want to stop but I don’t know how.

*     *     *

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Shoulder to cry on

Hi Clare,

I’m home now. Please call. Shoulder ready.

Maureen

*     *     *

A Sense of Unrest

Dear Clare,

I was pleased you decided to call tonight. I hope you are feeling bit easier now.

I’ve read your email several times, and I have been struggling with my reply. I’ve been really affected by our conversation; in fact, I haven’t been able to sleep, and I’m sitting at my kitchen table with a pot of tea and jotting down thoughts. I’ve decided to write you a letter and email it.

You are such a ‘cool professional’ and always seem to be so organised, calm, and on top of your job. I’d never suspected you were experiencing such turmoil.

As you talked about how you were feeling, it strongly resonated with me. Your words were like an echo, giving voice to my unspoken thoughts. Thank you for sharing so much.

Our conversation got me thinking about where my life is going. It was an eye-opener.

For too long now I’ve been working on Sundays to get organised for the week ahead. The tension builds as I juggle work and personal priorities throughout the weekend, and often, by Sunday evening, I’m exhausted. Then Monday comes, and I kick in the adrenaline and away I go again. This has to change.

I could take some leave. On the other hand, there are things I’ve neglected at home adding to my being overwhelmed, so I’d probably opt to tackle them. Not much of a holiday. (Sometimes I fantasise about having a full-time housekeeper. I did have a cleaner; however, what with the effort of getting the house ready for her to clean and increasing fees, I put a stop to that.)

At the close of a meeting yesterday, I had a brief chat with an older colleague, and he mentioned retirement was not on his agenda. He loves his high-power job, and he said his wife does everything else, right down to his neatly pressed shirts.

That would be a blessing. (I bit my tongue and, for a wicked moment, imagined how life could be with a wife like that!)

Like you, I think it’s time to seriously explore other options, including applying for a less demanding job or part-time work, or even retirement, although that seems impossible.

Earlier this year, I went to a superannuation seminar, and they quoted incredible figures for a ‘comfortable retirement lifestyle’. I was seated at a table with several single women, who agreed that based on the figures presented, they would need to keep working until they were at least seventy.

There was a lot that wasn’t discussed at that seminar. While money is important, that’s not all of it. There’s the whole package, including health and relationships, leisure and social activities, lifestyle and living environment, and the importance of timing and transition.

It all feels too hard.

What I’d really love is meaningful work in a less demanding environment. I have noticed that when I’m doing work that uses my skills and talents in purposeful ways, I have heaps of energy and achieve so much with ease. There’s a mismatch with my skills in this job (the role has changed since I was appointed), and the mismatch doesn’t stop there. In my experience over recent years, the organisational culture has shifted to ever-increasing risk avoidance, and that affects everyone.

No wonder I feel squashed in a box.

Did I tell you I applied for another position? It had potential to be a creative leadership role. While it was a good skill fit and the interview went very well, I didn’t get the job. I don’t know anyone over sixty who has gotten a new job recently.

One thing’s for sure: this needs to change. So now I’ve decided to take some leave and go away for a few days.

That may be just what you need right now as well.

Take care of yourself, and call whenever you want.

Maureen

*     *     *

Questions Galore

Journal Entry: Maureen

Clare’s email and our conversation had a profound impact. It held a mirror up for me – it was confronting and unsettling. Much of what she shared is what I am experiencing, which probably explains why I felt the overwhelming need to write her a letter, so much more personal than sending her another quick email.

I feel I’m swimming against the tide at work.

The job is taking over my whole life. I tell myself that I love challenges and maybe I do, but the lists have a life of their own, and so much is ‘nuts and bolts.’ I never get to the end of those lists or the emails. Then there are the files: online files, official files, paper files, paper everywhere. (Whatever happened to the promise of the paperless office?)

Is this what my life’s all about?

Over the last couple of years, I’ve had less and less time for myself, family, and friends. When I do meet up with friends and family, I talk a lot about work. Who wants to hear that? Why, I’m even boring myself!

But to give it all up and retire?

Leaving a job is a leap of faith at any time.

Mature people often struggle to get work, and that can be significant if they don’t have a big nest egg. While I have superannuation, it’s not the huge amount quoted by financial advisors.

I’ve been reading about the large gap between the superannuation savings of men and women. In Australia, women still do not have equal pay, and if they take time out to have children, that can have a significant impact on their careers and financial planning. I heard recently that more women in Australia are likely to be living in poverty in retirement. That’s a huge concern.

That retirement seminar got me anxious. Seems I have no choice but to keep on working.

Some of my friends say that they are looking forward to retirement so they can finally do the things they have always wanted to do. I’ve never considered retirement as the defining moment to begin doing what I really want.

In fact, the truth is I’ve never really considered retirement.

So what do I want? I need enough money, and I want a fulfilling life. What I don’t want is to become marginalised and excluded.

*     *     *

My Desperate Soul

Journal Entry: Clare

What a strange evening. I didn’t plan to share how desperate I’ve been feeling, but it all just poured out in the email to Maureen. I really let my defences down. Not the cool professional this time! It was good to talk and know that she has been feeling the same. I don’t feel so alone. Then she took the trouble to email me a letter. I haven’t had a letter, especially one that was deeply personal, for years, and I’ll reread it in the morning. It’s late, and I’m tired on all levels.

*     *     *

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Stereotypes

Hi Maureen,

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts on Friday. I appreciated your support a great deal, and I’d value a further talk some time. Now though, can I pick your brains as I’m trying to write something positive for my report due tomorrow on that seminar that we went to, ‘Aging and Building a Positive Life in a 21st-Century World’—what a title! I was not impressed by all the negative language, especially when it was couched in bizarre terms like positive aging.

I felt so angry when phrases like ‘a burden on the taxpayer’ and ‘hidden health catastrophe’ dominated the general discussion. There is this entrenched view that older people are a burden on society. When were older people (and how old are we talking here—maybe fifty-five years plus for baby boomers?) so predisposed to ill health?

Then there is the other view, ‘You don’t want to be a burden, so keep working—it’s your duty.’ Personally, the thought makes me shudder. Imagine doing our type of work forever—what a health issue for us.

It’s a shame—no, I’d say it’s a tragedy that our current workplace doesn’t allow us to move into less stressful jobs or part-time work. I’d love to do this, and I’d love to have the opportunity to mentor younger staff to take over my job. I could give away my networks to help them. How much less stressful for them and how rewarding for me, but it won’t happen, and when I go, so will my work knowledge.

Enough! Off to cook dinner then to write about the benefits of aging.

Clare

*     *     *

From: [e-mail]

To: [e-mail]

Subject: Negative messages

Hi Clare,

Yes, like you I’ve been thinking about workplace practices and the lack of flexibility. Mentoring is rarely a formalised process although it may happen randomly. Then there are the persistent negative stereotypes about mature workers even when the research indicates high levels of commitment and performance. None of this helps.

As to that seminar, I agree. Talk about negative messages. Doesn’t everyone age from birth? Isn’t it part of the human experience?

Positive aging seems to position aging negatively. Why not a ‘Healthy Living for All’ campaign?

The government seems to be missing the point with its focus on ‘burden on society.’ Did you notice how the presenters put all retirees into the same category? The emphasis was on issues for the elderly, rather than appreciating the different needs that may emerge between fifty to one hundred years.

Not all elderly people are sick and infirm. Not all fifty-year-olds are healthy.

I know of older people who are active and healthy into their eighties and nineties even though their bodies may be frailer.

Did you notice there was limited reference to mental health? I thought that was a major oversight, given the impact of mental health on well-being and health in general.

I was surprised that there was no mention of lifelong learning or the significant contribution older people make to society, particularly as volunteers.

As I also have to write a report about the seminar, shall we exchange notes? That might inspire us.

Maureen

*     *     *

It’s Got to Change

Dear Maureen,

Hope you are well. I managed to get two weeks’ leave, so I found the time to write you a letter. I’ve shut the door on the world, and it’s been great. Every day, my morning highlight has been to sit on the back verandah and enjoy the sight of the parrots in the flowering gum tree. How long has it been since I made time for this? I feel like I’m recharging at last.

I finally went to see a financial planner, who asked me to bring along my annual budget. I must admit that I got a shock when I totalled up the money in and the money out (and out and out).

I can’t change the fixed things like utilities and insurance, but I’m going to have to make some serious changes on the discretionary spending front. Take work clothes for a start. Do you know I looked in my wardrobe and counted six black jackets? Where did they all come from? So no more work clothes. I have enough. I’m going to use the tram rather than drive the car to work, so no more parking fees. This one will hurt, but I’m going to use my own coffee plunger rather than buy two coffees a day, but I’m not going as far as taking lunch. I’ll build the cost into my weekly grocery bill.

I’m also taking a big step and letting my hair colour grow out. No more being blonde. I notice more and more women in town with a good cut and grey hair, and I like both the look and the message it sends,