Don't Question My Desire

By Kelly Campos

Alcoholism has been alive and well in both my families for as long as I can remember. Only, I didnt know that caused my family members to behave as they did. Sometimes they laughed and had a good time, and sometimes there was great sadness. There is no denial in admitting or accepting that. That is how the cookie crumbles. I love them very much, and they are very important in my life. They indeed are my backbone, and I will never forget that. It is very hard at times, and trust me when I say it certainly is, but that is just life. I have to try that much harder to overcome my own alcoholism. Oh, well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 4, 2014
• ISBN: 9781503510920

Kelly Campos

My name is Kelly, and I just want to live my life sober. My home is in Brea, California, and I am a proud Brea Olinda Wildcat. Grr! It is hard to say when I had my first drink, but it was at a young age. All my family will not agree with me when I say this, but I do come from an alcoholic family. It is like using a bad word. Alcoholism is a strong word for anybody and a forbidden word for some.

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Don’t Question My Desire

Kelly Campos

Copyright © 2014 by Kelly Campos.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2014919533

ISBN:      Hardcover      978-1-5035-1091-3

                Softcover        978-1-5035-1093-7

                eBook             978-1-5035-1092-0

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

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Rev. date: 10/28/2014

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My names is Kelly and just want to live my life sober… My home is in Brea, California and I am a proud Brea- Olinda Wildcat. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! It is hard to say when I had my first drink, but it was at a young age. All my family will not agree with me when I say this, but I do come from an alcoholic family. It is like using a bad word. Alcoholism is a strong word for anybody. A forbidden word for some.

Alcoholism has been alive and well in both my families for as long as I can remember. Only, I didn’t know that caused my family members to behave as they did. Sometimes they laughed and had a good time and sometimes there was great sadness. There is no denial in admitting or accepting that. That is how the cookie crumbles. I love them very much and they are very important in my life. They indeed, are my backbone and I will never forget that. It is very hard at times and trust me when I say it certainly is, but that is just life. I have to try that much harder to overcome my own alcoholism. Oh, well.

There are certain things that fire me up like going to the gym. I am a proud member of Fitness 1. I feel really good about myself, it is healthy and I like to work out by myself, so I can gather my thoughts and just drift away. I enjoy being by myself. It is therapeutic for me. I know realistically I will not become huge as it is not in my genes, but it makes me feel really good about myself and I just enjoy it very much. I have replaced alcohol with the gym. I am now addicted to the gym like I was to alcohol. That is weird to some, but not at all to me. People can make their own judgment, but they do not even know me. I would like to stress>>>>>> it is my haven!!!!

Anyways, I have been to two rehabs, two sober livings and have recieved a total of three D.U.I’s. This is something; I am not proud of in any way. Mind you, the D.U.I’S totaled around $30,000.00 dollars. Each D.U.I. was about $10,000.00 dollars as I retained an attorney for them all. The rehabs and sober livings have helped me somewhat, but not have done the magic. It is a waste of time unless you are ready to give yourself completely and not be stubborn. To admit to yourself and God and another human being that you are an alcoholic. Reservations of drinking or something else do defeat the purpose of self-inventory of our self and rehab. Then God can and will do his magic. I have learned… you have to really want it and I indeed do. I am in forever debt to my wonderful father as he did pay a lot of money for me to go to a rehab in San Juan Capistrano. It helped at first truthfully at first, but I didn’t like or appreciate how things were handled during of my stay there. It definitely makes you think when a client steals one of their vans (druggy buggies) and bolts (leaves). It was very unprofessional at their end. I realized, they are happy to take your money, but do not want to admit or fix their mistakes. In reality they are a business.

During my stay at the rehabilitation in San Juan Capistrano, I did realize we (the patients) lived in our own bubble. Meaning, we lived in our own world. It was very far from my happy place. I never personally felt comfortable there and felt out of place. Nothing we did there included outside individuals. Except, our families or friends. We lived in our own houses and were not allowed to have conversation with anyone, but other patients. I do keep in touch with a few of them. We were not allowed to talk with our neighbors. Party foul. I really enjoy conversation.

I am not complaining, but just reciting our rules of the rehab. There were many others, however I am not going to go over all of them. I am not writing on the rehabilitation.

We did gain a lot of knowledge and tools that we were supposed to apply to the outside world in our everyday lives in the future and in our fight with our individual dependencies. I liked some of the people there as well and now realize what the point they we’re trying to share. The fact is, we definitely were in our own world and communicated with basically ourselves.

One of my therapists from the rehab told me many other patients’ thought I showed up to the class under the influence. I did not. Mind you, I am extremely hyper and have mood swings. So, I did get drug tested on an everyday basis. My results did come up negative. Those patients could pucker up and kiss my ass and should have been worrying about themselves and their own problems. That is why we were there and that was hard enough.

One rule I did feel should have been practiced, anyone testing positive for drugs or bringing in drugs, should be kicked out without any hesitation. An individual smuggled in a gallon of vodka and got away with it. Are you kidding me? That should have been a huge concern. Our whole house got punished and we did not even do anything.

This was a perfect example of the rehabilitation really being in it for the money. Money talks and bullshit walks. Where were the ethics?

That did annoy me somewhat and made me want to drink. Oh well as I have been accused of innocent wrongdoing before. That is in my past, now and no worries.

I was extremely lonely and sad around the holidays. I was used to spending them with my friends from home and family. I was extremely homesick as I was spending the holidays with strangers, but I did make the best of the situation, as I am sure the majority of the patients felt the same way, too. A house manager told me to treat the rehab as it was a vacation away from everyone and I eventually did.

When I did spend Christmas with my family, I had a curfew and had to be back at men’s house at a specific time. That was hard, but oh, well.

New Years was very hard because I was not around my family or friends. I was used to getting nutty. We did attend a sober fiesta. It did have a taco bar and it showed you could have a good time without using your drug of choice. Just fellow patients and other sober people attended, but we were at home at a certain time. When it did hit New Years, I was upstairs in my room, by myself. I was tired and we did have our family meetings on Saturday. I did look forward to this family meeting.

There is nothing that angers me in life more than forcing someone to fix him or herself. It is a huge commitment and you have to be in the state to want to do this for yourself. Outside factors only make it worse. It causes a lot of resentment. It has to be done on their own and God’s terms. Not to get out of the dog house. There is and should be no argument.

My father and my mother did and do want me to get better, but I did not really like admitting my alcoholic problem was that bad. I figured it was just a case of bad luck and a problem did not exist. I was and still am very naive. I also did not like the fact of going away. I was very complacent with my life.

With my immediate family… they do not believe it or see it, but that just adds fuel to my fire! It FIRES ME UP! I have faltered, but that does not stop me… It just drives me. This is a sick disease, but I will overcome it… I strive to. Cause I like it! Like in Jerry McGuire>>> I’m 36 and I feel I’m now beginning my life. I’m also doing it on my terms even though it may upset people.

Some individuals think I should handle it a certain way, but it is my life and my experience. I am very hard headed, as I want to do this by myself. I know that is not good, but I did get myself in this madness by myself. I expect nothing from no one. I am trying very hard to be happy as I once was once again. Some days I am, but some days I am not, but that is all right, as I need to figure it out myself. My desire is there and I will go to battle to be happy. Whatever it takes. I like to get what I want, but who does not. Right.

I’m now on my second week of being sober and it has had its ups and downs, but I try not to let that phase me and just keep positive as one of my sponsor’s told me… Things will only get better. Once I reach a month, I will be somewhat happy with myself. I have to remember>>>>>>> Take one day at a time.

Let me tell you from experience, giving up drinking is easier said than done. It is harder to stay sober, than get sober. It is something very hard to understand. I do have a great supporting cast, but that is not always enough. I personally have inner demons I battle with all the time. I am never happy with myself or everything I have done in life. That does make me stronger however in my own way.

I definitely march to my own beat and I’m personally proud of that. I’d rather be