My Frailty My Vice: It Started at the Age of Five

By Jacob S. Henry

To suffer from alcoholism and addiction is to live a lifestyle that is not guided by one's ambitions. What once was important fades into the background. Jacob has lived this lifestyle for fifteen years.

There were several attempts to achieve and maintain sobriety. Jacob failed multiple times. Despair overshadowed hope. Hopelessness led to depression. Anxiety provided additional fuel for depression to manifest.

This biography includes a detailed record of steps that Jacob took to remain drunk, fight off sobriety, and the steps taken toward sanity and sobriety. He discusses in detail the events that contributed to alcoholism, the impact of alcoholism on his life, and many of his failures and successes as he worked to achieve and maintain sobriety.

This short story takes an in-depth look into his life as a raging alcoholic. It highlights his failures as well as successes as he fought to live. He fought to live a life without alcohol.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jan 27, 2023
• ISBN: 9781667886077

Book preview

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© 2023, Jacob S Henry. All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

ISBN: 978-1-66788-607-7 (eBook)

Contents

Abstract

Introduction

Chapter 1 – Way Back When

Chapter 2 – Growing Pains a Recipe for Failure

Chapter 3 – The Athlete

Chapter 4 – Tragedy Struck

Chapter 5 – Envy

Chapter 6 – It Begins

Chapter 7 – The Spiral Part I

Chapter 8 – College

Chapter 9 – Love and Alcohol

Chapter 10 – The Spiral: Part II

Chapter 11 – God Spoke

Chapter 12 – Almost

Chapter 13 – It Was Only a Matter of Time

Chapter 14 – Welcome Back

Chapter 15 – The Felon

Chapter 16 – H.O.W.

Chapter 17 – All In

Chapter 18 – Step One

Chapter 19 – Step Two

Chapter 20 – Step Three

Chapter 21 – Step Four

Chapter 22 – The Routine

Chapter 23 – When Temptation Arose – Life on Life’s Terms

Chapter 24 – The Courts

Chapter 25 – Farewell Dry Drunk

Chapter 26 – Laughter, the Best Medicine

Chapter 27 – Drunk-O-Logs

Chapter 28 – Workflow, a Return to Work

Chapter 29 – My Conversation with God

Chapter 30 – On a Monday

Chapter 31 – On a Tuesday

Chapter 32 – On a Wednesday

Chapter 33 – Then One Day It Happened: They Called

Chapter 34 – Helping Others

Chapter 35 – Hate on Haters

Chapter 36 – Frailty

Chapter 37 – Sometimes I Get So Tired

Chapter 38 – My Story, What Happened

Chapter 39 – Stumbling Blocks

Chapter 40 – Hey Doc

Chapter 41 – Happiest Moment of My Life

Chapter 42 – Joy & Pain

Chapter 43 – Deuces

Acknowledgment Page

A Momma’s Love

Abstract

Often, I hear people say that if they could go back in life and do things over, they would not. I say the hell with that! If it were possible to learn life’s lessons in different ways and still be the person I am today, I would be all for it! Although I am somewhat ok with my positions in life, and I am somewhat at peace with where I am in life right now, I am so, so tired. Learning life’s lesson by choosing the path less taken was, In retrospect, an extremely dumb decision. It was emotionally draining, soul-crushing, and mind-numbing, but most of all, it was thoroughly discouraging. I think some people say that they would not change a thing so they would be able to live with past decisions they had made. Not me! I will be honest about it. I would jump at the chance to change past decisions; hold on to it and clutch it with the same amount of determination as a monkey strong-arming the last banana in the jungle.

In the beginning years of alcoholism, I experienced moments of sanity. It was in these moments that I felt I needed to quit. I needed to quit drinking alcohol for real, or at least try to take a break. To take this break, I would be forced to take a fearless and honest look at myself.

I have been a person who has been overwhelmed my whole life. This has been mainly because of my irrational worry and anxiety. They say that alcoholism or drug addiction may be a symptom of an underlying issue. For me, I have come to learn that my level of anxiety, fear, and worry was abnormal and were in fact my underlying issues.

When I think about it, anxiety, fear, and worry have played major roles in my life. One time a doctor said to me, I think you have an anxiety disorder. My response was, Oh yeah, why should I be worried about that? The truth of the matter was I had always been extremely anxious about almost everything I was forced to face even when trying to enjoy life. I was always fearful and worried that I would fail or make a fool of myself.

When thinking about this mind-numbing, heart-stopping disorder of mine, athletics comes to mind. I played soccer, and I was the best. I’d say the best athlete ever to walk the face of the earth, in my mind at least. Well, until it was game time. Then my mind went right back to, what if. When game time hit, nausea would kick in! My hands would begin trembling. My stomach would get upset. I would have cocoons of caterpillars that quickly became butterflies in my stomach. I would literally pray that the other team did not show. That is no lie! I would be terrified! But I would be terrified for no dam reason. Once the game began, if I may boast, I shined! I discovered that the worry was unwarranted because everything was always all right after the whistle blew, and my instincts took over.

In social events, I always worried that I wasn’t smart enough, funny enough, or even likable. I always worried that I’d say something to make somebody angry or hurt someone’s feelings. That mentality haunted me every time I entered a classroom, a party, a dance, or basically every social function I attended. This worry prevented many healthy relationships.

As far as women went, I was no different from any other man. That is, I was clueless! This cluelessness combined with anxiety was detrimental to my efforts to develop and maintain a trustworthy and healthy relationship. It was quite the ordeal for me to even build up the nerve to risk embarrassment and approach a woman. They scared the piss out of me! It was like, what do you say, Hello, you sure are fine, can we talk for a minute? …or girl I want to know your name, or you make my boat float. Well, of course, I usually said nothing of the sort and missed out on a plethora of opportunities. Oh, how I so regret some of those missed opportunities. Some of those ladies were wife material! I would always tell myself that if I ever saw them again, mac mode would fully be in effect! Denial is a hell of a thing. I would still have tucked tail if I had seen any one of them again.

All my fears and anxiety were null and void by the numbing effect of alcohol. My nerves were gone before games because I was just going to get wasted afterward and forget about it. Social events were now something to look forward to. I was free to be me and not care what others thought. Well, of course, this lifestyle was unsustainable. It was only a matter of time before that momentary reprieve became a serious, serious problem.

True, admitting it is the first step. I always knew alcohol was a problem. I knew it after the first time I took a sip and felt the calming sensation alleviate the knots I constantly felt in the pit of my stomach. Alcohol gave me an instantaneous feeling of euphoria that I never knew possible.

Next, I had to admit that it was a necessity for me to learn a new way of living. That became my new life’s goal. Since I already acknowledged the problems with my way of life and became willing to try to change, this goal seemed feasible. I had learned that I really don’t give a flying frog’s fat ass about what people thought of me. I am what I am and that’s all that I am. That was not a callous attitude. It was an attitude that recognized I had bigger fish to fry. There was nothing to gain by trying to impress people that did not care about me.

It was nonsensical to worry about looking like a failure in my family’s eyes. My family cared not about my approach to sobriety but more about me letting go of that demon in a bottle. I had to learn how to accept the notion that I was going to fail at certain things, and I was going to succeed at certain things. Living in a state of fear would prevent any possibility of true happiness. I simply had to try my best to live normally if I wanted my small portion of the American Dream.

Introduction

Is this really necessary? A question one might ask when they are being handcuffed and having their head abruptly forced onto the roof of and then forced into the back seat of a squad car. Is it really necessary that I face the fact that I must swallow that pill called pride and hold myself accountable for my self-defeating behavior? Is it really necessary that I must learn everything the hard way? Is it really necessary that I face each and every day, every minute of every day, and every somber moment of every day with a white-knuckled approach toward sobriety? Is this a question that other people must ask themselves as they start to live the first day of the rest of their life? Those Is this really necessary questions ran repeatedly through my mind and consumed me as I started to attempt to learn how to live a life of continuous sobriety.

Then again, maybe I needed to have common sense forced on me through police brutality or hit bottom so hard that I had to admit that something has got to change. The brutality of the police was not enough to inspire change because I truly did not care. Why would I care? I had alcohol to help comfort me. Alcohol was my ally. She was my confidant, and she was my companion. Whenever I was remorseful, all that was needed was a quick swig of her and those regrets would become a thing of the past.

In retrospect, it was obvious that my goal each day was to maintain a temporary euphoria; a euphoria that only she could provide. The question arose, how could I financially support this coping technique? I was not going to get or maintain an actual job. I was not employable. Employment at that