Real Pain, Real Peace: A Journey from Pain to Peace

By Jillian Lambert MS

Real Pain, Real Peace is an inspirational true story of a fifty-year-old woman in Texas who experiences a life-changing breakdown on every level. Her journey ranges from creation of a dream to financial devastation; excellent health to physical illness; a life of passion to praying for death; a healthy mind to mental illness; and a beautiful, five-acre home to bottomed-out homelessness. Life goes from complete destruction to total reconstruction, wavering faith to renewed spirit.

The physical, mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual challenges transform in ways that will wrench your soul, yet warm your heart. The author tells her riveting story in an inspirational, spiritual way while sharing valuable life lessons. Learn from her transforming challenges and discover how to bring peace to your own body, mind, and spirit. Overall, Real Pain, Real Peace shows you how courage, determination, and faith can turn real pain into real peace.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jun 24, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504334242

Jillian Lambert MS

Jillian Lambert, MS, is a wellness expert and author of Real Health, Real Life, as well as the stretch/yoga/meditation video Real Serenity. She has an MS in holistic nutrition, a BS in psychology, and various certifications in fitness, living/raw foods, and feng shui. Jillian currently lives on the Texas coast near Mother Ocean. Visit her at www.RealHealthRealLife.com or www.RealHealthRealLife.net

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Real Pain,

Real Peace

A Journey from Pain to Peace

JILLIAN LAMBERT, MS

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Copyright © 2015 Jillian Lambert.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3422-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3423-5 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-3424-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015909024

Balboa Press rev. date: 6/24/2015

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Section 1 – Demolition

Chapter 1

Bugs Coming Out of My Skin

A Dream

Money

Fear

Chapter 2

Bare Necessities

Poor Man’s Diet

Spammin’ It

Humility

Chapter 3

Exchanging Dreams

Dreams Have an Expiration Date

Prostitution or Fair Trade?

Chapter 4

Physical Chaos

Mental Chaos: Power of Fear

Chem What?

Into the Trash

Dr. Nature

Home Sweet Fear

Crawling Sensations

Crucifixion?

Jamaica, Mon’

Looking Good

Chapter 5

I Want To Go Home

Nature Girl

Blessings in Disguise

Acceptance

Being Alone

Little Miss Independent

Chapter 6

Feeling Like A Freak

Acid Bath

Doctor Derma

Chapter 7

Breakdown

Fill-In-the-Blank Syndrome (FIBS)—It’s a Lie

Come To Jesus Meeting

Chapter 8

Letting Go

Reprioritizing Values

Health

Comfort

Peace

Safety

Hang On To the Light

Chapter 9

The Attachment

Healing Serenity Session

The Results Are In

The Magic of Nature

Chapter 10

Uncertainty

Judgment

Chapter 11

Homeless

Success

Connection

The Three Crosses

Chapter 12

Surf’s Up!

Coyote Calling

The Sacred Tent

Chapter 13

Rockin’

Feeling Safe

Feeling Different

Family

Church Drama

Self-Acceptance

Getting Grounded

Section 2 – Clean Up

Chapter 14

Closing On a Dream

The Last Night

Tell the Truth

Back In Good Energy

Chapter 15

Losing Your Best Friend

Chapter 16

Getting the Boot?

Moment to Moment

Relapse

Everybody Needs Somebody, Sometime

Chapter 17

Nourishment

Payback Is Heaven

Where To Next?

Lowering Your Walls

Unfamiliar Feeling of Peace

Options

Hill Country Comfort

Section Three – Reconstruction

Chapter 18

Optimum Health

Freedom

Gypsy Jillian

Body Signals

Home?

Hit the Beach Running

Self Value

Playtime

New Symptoms?

Chapter 19

Time To Go

Dreamer versus Doer

Go For It!

Out Of Your Head and Into Your Heart

Compassion

Chapter 20

Travel Compassion

Health Reboot

Rock-Bottom Moment

Judgment Road

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

Chapter 21

A Place To Land

Light, Happy and Free

Tiki Island

Saltwater Sitting

Sea the Benefits

External Voices

Sands of Silence

Chapter 22

Finding Peace

Saying Good-Bye

We Are All One

Chapter 23

A Strong Pull to Go

Chapter 24

The Old Life

Feeling Good Brings Good

The Writing is on the Wall

Living In the New

Rockin’ Routine

Chapter 25

Unspoken Agreement

Bless and Prosper One Another

Crash and Splash

What’s It Feel Like?

Ocean Yoga

Beach Release

Sand Angels

High As a Kite

In the Moment

Chapter 26

Manifestation

Creating a New Life

Beach Bum Biker

Chapter 27

Riveting Relapse

Symptom City

A Four-Letter Word

Determined Detective

Self-Care

Chapter 28

Tears of Joy

Chapter 29

The Simple Life

The Joy Factor

Selfish? Or Self-Full?

Embracing Gratitude

Chapter 30

Snuggle Close

A Journey from Pain to Peace

Dreams of the Mind, Dreams of the Soul

How Can You Know This If You Don’t Know That?

Real Peace

Afterword

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I ’d like to thank God, Jesus, angels, guides, Mom, Archangels Michael, Raphael, Ariel, Gabrielle, and the spirits of nature for strength, courage, guidance, and love. Thanks for healing my body, mind, and spirit. Thank you for blessing me with peace, serenity, and healing.

I send never-ending gratitude to my dog, Cody, and to God for bringing us together. When life was down and no one was around, Cody was there by my side through it all. CodyBear, my soul-mate with fur, came running when I hurt, licked the tears off my face when I cried, and made me laugh when I felt there was nothing to laugh about. The many days I wanted to die, Cody made me smile. Thank you, Cody Michael, for your love, affection, healing, protection, patience, faithfulness, and joy. Bless your big, furry heart!

I’d like to thank my dear friend Pam, who was my rock and angel through it all. Thanks to my longtime friend, Wendy, for being there when things were questionable on many levels.

A big thanks to Chip, Kim, my father, Bob, Nancy H., Hart, Philip, Shane, Mary, Optimum Health Institute, Victoria, Jeff, Brooke, Starlet, TJ, Diana, Lloyd, Michelle, John, and Rene for being supportive while traveling through this journey.

Real Pain, Real Peace is

dedicated

to those in pain, searching for peace.

Real Pain, Real Peace is also written in gratitude

to the one and only Prince of Peace.

INTRODUCTION

L ife is full of pain. Pain is defined as physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury. Is pain associated with only the physical? Is it caused only by illness or injury? What about the pain of a broken heart? Financial ruin? Or the loss of a loved one?

There is the mental pain of fearful thoughts or, at the extreme, mental illness. There is the emotional pain of a breakup. There is the financial pain of losing all you have. There is pain of professional failure. There is social pain of not being accepted. What about the pain of humiliation? Or the loss of a best friend? Last but not least, there is spiritual pain, the absence of God, being totally and completely alone.

We’ve all experienced pain. Pain can take many forms: physical, mental, emotional, financial, professional, social, and spiritual. One pain is not more painful than another, just different. Mental or emotional pain can be just as tortuous as physical pain. When it comes down to it, pain is pain. All pain hurts. Maybe When a living being feels discomfort, hurt and/or suffering might be a new definition of pain. Period.

Although we may not see it while experiencing it, pain can be our friend. Pain is a great teacher and motivator. Pain teaches us to change our ways and motivates us to do things we wouldn’t normally do. Pain helps us change for the better. Pain helps us grow. Pain also helps us see ourselves. Pain opens our eyes. Pain brings old behaviors to a halt and helps initiate new behaviors.

People tolerate different levels of pain. You can tell people that something or someone is not good for them until you are blue in the face and it won’t matter. Human behavior does not usually change until pain tolerance has been reached.

The one thing I think we can agree on is how much we appreciate peace after experiencing pain. Most people desire peace. Yes, there are those who love drama in life, or those who like to stir things up, but for the most part, people desire peace.

Peace means freedom from disturbance, quiet and tranquility. Synonyms for peace include tranquility, calm, restfulness, peace and quiet, quietness. Do they refer to physical peace and quiet or internal peace?

There is peace and quiet in the physical sense, but there is also peace of mind, a peaceful heart, and a peaceful soul.

When people share something in common, they connect. When a painful experience is shared, the connection deepens. One thing that makes pain more painful is going through it alone. For those of you in pain, I share my deeply personal journey to let you know you are not alone.

My life has consisted of both pain and peace. Real Pain, Real Peace is about painful life challenges and finding peace. The following true story consists of personal experiences that most people would not reveal to the public. I share this journey as a message of spirit, as I believe we are all one. When one feels pain, we all feel pain. When one feels peace, we all feel peace.

May your pain be healed. May you feel real peace—peace in body, mind, and spirit.

SECTION 1

DEMOLITION

CHAPTER 1

Bugs Coming Out of My Skin

B ugs coming out of the pores of my skin. Pinprick sensations, as if something were biting me. Crawling sensations throughout my body. Sores that heal slowly. Coarse, black-pepper particles, off-white plastic pieces, plant particles, and little black fibers, all coming out of my skin. What was going on with my body?

I was fifty years old and one of the healthiest people I knew. I had practiced fitness, holistic nutrition, and wellness for twenty-five years. Like most people, I did not always practice perfect health every day of my life, but I have been pretty disciplined for the most part. So why was my body freaking out?

Stress. Stress can manifest from so many different things. Chronic stress can be dangerous if experienced long term. What is stress? Fear. I’ve been told the letters stand for False Evidence Appearing Real. Or is it? What is real? If something is not real, then is it imagined? I had experienced stress in many forms over the years, but nothing like this.

A Dream

It started with a dream. Passion, risk, courage, and a dream. For twelve years, I dreamed of creating a nature retreat where people could escape the external voices of life. You know, familiar voices like your husband, wife, kids, family, friends, and, of course, your boss. Then there are the external voices of the world, like the TV, radio, computer, etc. People sometimes need a place to escape, whether they’re going through a divorce, at a crossroads in life, healing from the loss of a loved one, or need a break from their stressful job.

After twenty-five years in the fitness, nutrition, and wellness industry, I decided to take action on my dream. I quit the job I loved and invested my savings in a healing nature retreat on my five-acre property. We built it from the ground up. It took about a year and a half to complete. Not knowing what I was doing, I knew it would be okay because God was backing it, or so I thought.

Every day I woke up asking God, What would you have me do today? Months went by; challenges were overcome, structures were built, and money was spent. Money, the sweet currency that many of us have a love/hate relationship with. Money can bring joy. Money can also bring pain.

In the beginning, there was joy. A lot of hard work, but joy. Passion brings joy. I was in my passion while creating the nature retreat. It was a longtime dream, and it was being built to help people. Who wouldn’t feel joy about that? It was incredible to see structures going up before my eyes and to experience a dream come true—all because of a vision, action, and money.

Money

Now let me explain my history with money. I was never a big spender. I was not the type of person who liked to shop or overextended myself financially. In fact, I felt safer when I was saving. (Notice the word safer.) I was the type of person who would let my 401K plan grow until retirement, right?

When I turned forty-nine, something shifted. The idea of approaching fifty made me reevaluate my life, what I had accomplished and what I had not. My accomplishments to that point included a degree in psychology, a master’s in holistic nutrition, certification in feng shui, and many other personal training and fitness certifications. I had also written and published a wellness book, Real Health, Real Life, and created a stretch and meditation video called Real Serenity. My most important accomplishment to date, with the help of my ex-husband, was our incredible daughter, Brooke, of whom I am extremely proud.

Aside from that, there was my dream of creating a nature retreat—a dream that for twelve years had not been given life. I visited with a couple of people who had the facility I needed for the wellness ranch I wanted to create, yet neither seemed to be moving forward. One person decided to sell the ranch, and the other had nothing solid to stand on. After four or five years of trying to make it happen with potential partners, nothing was moving forward, and I felt I was getting the runaround.

The deathbed test kept popping into my mind. The deathbed test is when you imagine being on your deathbed and ask yourself if you have any regrets. I asked myself, Would I regret not creating this long-time dream of a nature retreat? The answer was yes. So I embarked on a dream. I decided to use my own money and my own land and make it happen. I was forty-nine. It was time to embark on the dream. It was time to give it life, real life.

Fear

As I said before, the creation of the retreat had its challenges, but the joy and passion overrode any hurdles that popped up. After a year of working, building, and spending, the money started to run out. Two voices went back and forth inside my head. One voice was full of love and light; the other voice was fear.

Fear? I could handle that. I would just say positive affirmations. Or write them down. Or do visualizations. Or create a vision board to put positive energy out into the universe. Well, I did all of that, many times. So why were they not working? Fear had a mind of its own—my mind.

When faced with a situation you have never experienced before, you deal with it, right? Or you freak out and let fear run wild. I couldn’t understand why the ship was sinking. I wasn’t spending irresponsibly. For many years, I had a very high credit rating and paid all my bills in full, every month. If I spent a thousand dollars on a credit card, then I paid it off that month. I never carried a balance on my credit cards. I always paid in full, on time.

Maybe I’d paid too much for materials? No, I was very efficient when buying materials. So what happened? Fear. Fear crept in and kept on going. The more time went by, the more anxious I felt. The more anxious I felt, the more fear grew. It got to the point where fear took hold of my mind and my life. It took hold of my mind because I allowed it.

Sometimes we feel like life is happening to us, but what some of us don’t realize is that we have a choice every minute, every hour, every day. We have a choice to run on negative, fearful thoughts or we have a choice to change them to positive thoughts of light. The key to doing so is to be aware. Being aware of our thoughts is the same thing as being conscious of what we are thinking, doing, and saying. Easier said than done, but possible. It just takes practice, like anything else.

Part of the fear was that I had never been in this situation before. I’d always had savings, a cushion to fall back on. I had never taken a big risk like this before, but I felt everything would work out. I always had enough money over the years to do what I needed to do in life, so why wouldn’t I this time?

Facing a situation never before experienced tends to be very stressful. I had no past experience or wisdom to draw from to resolve the situation. So why didn’t I ask for help? I did. I prayed to God and asked for help. All of a sudden, I had an overwhelming amount of help, at a price, of course. It ranged from bookkeepers, insurance agents, and tax preparers to business plan, marketing plan, branding, and business managers. The funny thing about fear is, people can smell it. Animals are not the only ones who can smell fear. People can too. When you exude fear, need help, and don’t know what you are doing, plenty of people out there are willing to take your money. Whether they help you succeed or not is not their concern. It’s yours and yours only.

Don’t get me wrong; angels helped me and wanted to see me succeed. The problem was that either I didn’t have enough of those angels or I allowed fear to get the best of me.

Fear reared its ugly head and turned into debt. I had never experienced that monster before. I had always had an excellent credit rating and was proud of it. Not knowing what to do, I put off payment of the debt to the following year, with zero percent interest. The money would be rolling in for sure by next year, right? The problem was that when I’d locked in that zero percent interest rate, an outstanding credit card bill for construction materials had not yet been processed. And it was a large one. The outstanding bill had not been locked in at the zero percent rate. It surfaced a few days after I locked in the zero percent interest rate.

Could it get worse? It did. Next I owed the IRS. In forty-nine years, I had never owed the IRS. I’d always received a refund. Every year I made sure that I completed my W-2 form so I would be sure to receive money rather than pay in.

During this new venture, I’d requested that my financial advisor take out more than enough for taxes. In fact, I asked him four or five different times, just to ensure I would be okay come tax time. Owing money at tax time was not something I was interested in,