Jokes, Quotes, and Other Assorted Things

By Stephen Motway

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• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Dec 16, 2010
• ISBN: 9781456825010

Stephen Motway

Stephen Motway is a retired Electronic Engineer living in Houston, where he spent the last 24 years of his employment working for a subcontractor at the NASA Johnson Space Center. He has been remembering and collecting jokes and quotes from the time of his youth growing up in Pennsylvania and from his friends and buddies in the army, in college, in his employment, and especially from his golfing buddies. After he retired, he and his buddies played golf frequently, but he had to give up his golfing in 2007 after developing a persistent Rotator Cuff shoulder problem. Then with more idle time on his hands, he began to delve into his memories and files of the jokes and quotes and, seeing how much data he had amassed, he thought maybe others might enjoy his collection and decided to try and publish them, hence this became his first publishing experience.

Book preview

Copyright © 2011 by Stephen Motway.

Library of Congress Control Number:      2010917830

ISBN:        Hardcover                  978-1-4568-2500-3

            Softcover                    978-1-4568-2499-0

            Ebook                         978-1-4568-2501-0

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

Notice

This is a joke book and contains words and subjects that may be offensive to some people and is not suitable for children. If you are easily offended, then do not continue.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

87897

Contents

Acknowledgments

Jokes, Quotes, and Other Assorted ThingEnjoy

Hell of a Trip

The Obedient Wife

Slow Watch

Gotch-ya

A Kind Trooper

Classmates

Religious Nuts

Comatose Woman

Feel-good Golf Balls

Politically Handicapped

Things to Ponder

Instructions Posted at a Golf Club

Escaping the Firing Squad

Open Garage Door

Mexican Delicacy

Little Boy at Nude Beach

Hillbilly Relations

Seven Stages of Sex

I’m a Father

Prescription Needed

Old People with Ingenuity

Italian Bread

Golfer on the Tee

Ernesto

The Wife from Hell

A Blonde’s Cookbook

They Ask Why I Like Retirement!

The Red Pigeon

Bee Stings Golf Honey

Payback

Muscular Contractions

Canned Punishment

What’d You Shoot?

The Lawyer and the Duck

Gassed Alien

The Czar’s Kids

Some Old Men Can Still Think Fast

Thy Wife

Sunday Morning Sex

Golf Limerick

The Principle of Golf

Atheist Holiday

Life After Death

My Kinda Woman

Old Folks’ Dilemmas

Great Job?

Marrying Young

The Right Girl

Poor Planning

Blow-up Doll

Syndrome

Don’t Despair

A Beer Before It Starts

Lost Her Pen

Subject: Bubba

A Women’s Poem

Alabama Preacher

Country Church

Room with a View

Tetanus Shot

Medical Decision Making

Only Child

Lost Churches of Louisiana

Tell Allah Hey

It’s My Wife

Colored Spiked Hair

Name Your Willy

Powerful Lexus

Short Rope

Quick Breakfast

Little Davie’s Tales

Deer/Harry?

The Power of Scripture

Dildos

Nine Is Enough

A Dear John (and Becky) Letter

What’s in a Name

Golf vs. Sex

Great Surgeon

Stuttering Salesman

Sex After Sixty

Divorce Attorney

Hot Dog, Anyone?

Close the Church Doors

Working Late

Lawyer’s Guard Dog

The Husband Store

Say What?

Biggest Weenie

Materialistic Lawyers

Lesbonics

Sex Twice

Extra Sauce

Oldest Employer

Circle Flies

No Undies

Sheep and Pig

Romantic Rhymes

Eye-Talian

The Royal Wedding Night

Signs You Have Grown Up

Wife with No Sense of Humor

Adam’s Underwear

Roll Out de Hose

A Rose Is a Rose

Obedient Husband

Unplugged

Gender Prayers

Female

Male Prayer

The Sweet Smell of a Rose

Zero to Two Hundred

Hindu Dowry

Doctor’s Office Name

Woman’s Perfect Breakfast

Women’s Revenge

Marriage Seminar

Words

Oklahoma Blondes

Put the Cat Out

Drunken Hillbilly

Just to Remember Yesterday’s Jewish Comedians

Flu Prevention

Blind Golf

Trick or Treat

Child’s Version of the Lord’s Prayer

Baby Planes

Never Send a Woman to the

Hardware Store

George Burns at Ninety-seven

Cajun Pregnancy

Last Rites

Bill Me

A Slice of Life

Men and Women are Different

Bedpan Gas

Naughty Nursery Rhymes

Sheer Delight

Get the Quarterback

Passing an Immigration Test in the USA

Dress Up

The Chief and Chili!

Cat Heaven

Mexican Jews

Anheuser Busch

Fallen Angels

Educated Americans

Dementia Mother

Bring Your Own Food

Redneck Definitions

Holy Casino

You Got Male

Roe vs. Wade

Light’s Out

Butt’rr-up

Deliver in My Lifetime

Sweet Cheeks

Two Strokes

Tides In

Obituary for Golfer

Not Like Dad

How Latex Gloves Are Made

Drink Less

Why God Made Moms

My Dear Friend

Wal-Mart and Technology

Married Life

When Will Men Listen

Subpoena

An Apple a Day

Expendable Henry

Stolen Truck

Any ID

Flares

Golfers’ Loving Wives

Size Matters

Straight A’s

Energy Efficient Vehicle

Truisms

Fading Minds

Where’s the Ladle?

Genesis 3:10

Cheap Paint Job

Going to Heaven

Son of a . . . WHAT?

Better Off Dead

Bible Story

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello

Chestnuts Roasting

Special Sandals

Are You Katlick

Double Family

Texas Justice

Cookie or Sex

Growing Old Laughing

Blame the Parents

Build It, They Will Come

She Enjoys Sneezing

It Won’t Hurt

Sleeping on the Job

Listen Up

Under Construction

Talking Dog

Kaboom

Grandfather’s Funeral

Tell It Like It Is

A Hunting Lesson

Wormy Lesson

Ship Ahoy

Award Reward

Salad Dressing

Something Different

Be Like Your Dad

Off to Vegas

Weeweechu

Bubba Names Babies

Perfect Fit

Booze Work

Newborn Senior

Mirror, Mirror

Golf Prayer for the Day

The Game of Golf

Looking Her Best

Guaranteed Divorce

I Think You’re the Father of One of My Kids

New Diet

Senility Knocking

Do Lawyers Lie

Doctors’ Notes, True Stories

In-laws

Bad Day

Holy Cow!

Colonoscopy Comments

I Do

Spirit of Compromise

Two Heads Better than One?

Your Wish Is My Command

Nationalist Football Types

Sex Stories

Loud Sex

Quiet Sex

Confounded Sex

Wedding Anniversary Sex

Women’s Humor

Up, Up, and Away!

Tight Collar

Flight or Love

Coldhearted

Wishing Well

The Ten Commands of Marriage

Women Shopping

Home Remedies

Careful Where You Leave Your

Cell Phone

Size Large

God Creates Earth

Redneck Church

More on Aging

AWOL

Wild Pizza

Space Travel

Notable Quotes

A Few Golf Stories

I’m Atta Here

The Good Lawyer

Short One-liners

An Affair

Origin of Golf

Limited Service

Chew on This

Horse Sense

Rest in Peace

Who’s Driving

Poached or Scrambled

Sex Education

Drink Up

Mother Knows Best

Time Will Tell

Check This Out

Fishing with Baby Sister

Cop This

Presidential Smell

Harmonious One

You Just Can’t Win

Fast Learner

Tight-fitting Genes

Heard at Coed College Chat Room

One Size Don’t Fit All

Ready for Takeoff

Car Delight

Tough Cowboy

Getting Old

Pardon Me

The English Language

Hard as Stone

Lesbian Visits Her Doctor

Nice Trip

Heel!

Strangers

Wedding Vows

Mother Was Wrong

Lamaze Golf

Dividing the Souls

God and Eve in the Garden

Truths about Life that Little Children Have Learned

Great Truths about Growing Old

Great Truths about Life that Adults Have Learned

Loose Women and Football Players

Sticky Situation

Who’s the Boss

The Mother-in-law Tragedy

Here’s Looking at You

From the Mouths of Children

Check These Out

The Facts

Slowpoke

Holee Baptism

New York Cattleman

The Beer Test

Giddy Up

Dr. Kildare

What’ll Ya Have?

Did God Make You?

Coward

Shamu the Killer Whale

Driving Ms. Eve

West Virginia Family

Separate Seats

Competitive Politics

Viking Fan

Well Blow Me Down

New Medicine For Moms

Irish Dreams

’Twas the Night before Christmas

Cannibal

What’s Best

First Communion

Looks Good

Wigless

Flying Saucers

Digest This

Dr. Unsure

Catholic Parrots

Paid Thru the Nose

It’s How You Ask

Call Them Names

Quickest Way

Recognition

Bank-robbing Blondes

Little Quacker

Extra Mile

Good Hands

Life’s a Bitch

For Better or Worse

Looking Good

Chef’s Mate

Golfers and Lawyers

Midnight Plea

Investment Advice

Argue with Her

Political Hack

Rice-Aronie

This Little Piggy

Misbehaving

Unions

Survivor—Texas Style

Great Husband

Southern Humor

Golf Stroking

Mother of the Bride

Animal Cracker

Cheap Husband

Doing the Work of Three

Pain in the Neck

Suing God

Regulations Are Regulations

Accurate Timer

How Old Am I?

Definitions:

This Is Mean . . .

You’re a True Houstonian When You Know . . .

Growing Up

Clinton’s Time Piece

Grilled Butt

Know When You’re Ahead

Why I Fly a Lot

Now Hear This

Sing for Your Supper

More Blonde Jokes

Thou Shall Not Curse

Well, Shut My Mouth

Liberal Gov. Entitlement

Dead Frog

Cut Off

Giddy Up, Gore

Political Intelligence

Things You Might Not Know

Clinton Bashing

ZEN Advice

Martian Sex

Chili Taster in Tex-ass

Religion According to Kids

Freshmen Mind-set

Political Confession

A Stress Reducer

New Math

Country Doctor

Best Comeback Line Ever

Froggy’s Abilities

Don’t Golf with Your Wife

Pet Alligator Trick

Smart-ass Kid

Missedewiener

Swedish Genie

Black Halloween Party

Twin Brothers

Hemlick Maneuver

Really Drunk

Pharmacology

Tongue Twister

Future Spin-off from the 2002 Presidential Elections

God vs. Satan

Revocation of Independence

Old Is When

Christmas in da Hood

Dr. Seuss Goes to Flori-duh

Just Being Friendly

Bush Legal Team Sues Santa Claus

Texas Wisdom

Dear Abby,

Zebra

An Honest Caddy

Measure This

Keeping Score

Golfers’ Laments

Try Something Different

Bush’s acceptance speech (first draft)

Did You Know

Why Yelling at a Man Doesn’t Work

Want a Quiche?

Little Johnny’s School Lesson.

Confession

He’s Gone!

Satan’s Presents

Don’t Mess with Mother Nature

Texas Midget

Ecumenical Golf

Guess Who

Thou Shalt Not Sin

Figure This

Elderly Sex

Yield

A Dog’s Life

Government Job

What Time Is It?

The Language of Diplomacy

Democrats

Piece of Ice

Nom de Plume

You Are on a Bad Date When:

Taco’s Bell

Arthur’s Witch

Arkansas TV

Stuck-up Woman

Dear Infernal Revenue Serviced

You Light Up My Life

A Deal Is a Deal

Bon Voyage

Is There a Doctor in the House

Something’s Fishy

Man Overboard

I Can Not Lie!

With Honor

Teach These

On Land or in the Air

Sound Advice

God Isn’t Deaf

To Each His Own

An Unlikely Tail

Get a Grip

Holy Fire

Saddle Up

Batten Down the Hatches

On My Tab

What Are Bubbas For

This Smells

A Bull Story

What Would Jesus Do

Top This

How Many Cookies

What Size?

Waiter Efficiency

Monkey News

Sister-in-law

Another Fish Story

Vacation Wishes

College Grad

He Giveth and Taketh Away

Cockfights

A History Lesson

Penis Wants

The Eyes Have It

Remember This

Hot Party

Bombardier

Smooth Play

Silence Is Golden

Winner Take All

Expensive Beer

Bull School

Bad Advertisement

Commandments

Three Kinds of Men

Drinking and Gambling

Smell This

A Few Drops Go a Long Way

Smart Kid

Think Before You Speak

My Little Cell Phone

Dear Mom,

Timothy McVeigh Put on a Diet

Good Exit for McVeigh

Dem’s Low Balls

Eagle into Heaven

Doctor, Doctor

Dance with Me

All the Hay

Idiots In Service

Idiots At Work

Idiots in the Neighborhood

Idiots In Food Service

Idiot Sightings

A Clinton Monument

Worthy of Note

Who’s Your Daddy

Dog Cheater

This Story Smells

Men’s Magazine

One and the Same

Lets Keep It Down

Here’s Something to Ponder

Stars Speak Out

Hollywood Liberals Change History

AOL Ups Prices

Recruiting the Best

Pilot Error

Age Will Tell

Some More to Think About

Nightly Prayers

When In Rome

Feeling Old

Ungrateful

Honey, Is That You?

Excuse Me!

Excellent Advice

Make Up Your Mind

Walking On Water

Marriage Bliss

A Little Farm Humor

Wise Mother

Dead Battery

One More Ponderable

Piggy Do

Some More Things to Think About

Tried That Once

Defender of the Constitution

Heroic Wash Man

Taking Bids

The Balls of Golf

Hurricane Plan for Houston

The Guessing Game

Philosophy 101

Remembering

Your Mother Knows Best

Critical Operations

Proposal

Wake Me at Six

It’s in the Cheese

Living Right

Worthwhile Investment

New Secretary

Such a Deal

Whose Time Is It

IQ

Bar Bill

We Should Be So Lucky

Bin There

Little Big Game Hunter

Just Say No

Law-abidin’ Citizen

Bye-bye

Muscle Builder

It Was the Butler

Let Dad Raise the Kids

Golf Clubs

Language

Song of Praise

Fifty-fifty

Don’t Stop Me

I’m Having a Wife

Human Love

Osama bin Laden, Captured

Busting Butt

Jet Propulsion

Polish Terrorist

Mother Mine

Spirit of the Lord

Buffalo Family

Watch What You Wish For

Gardening Equipment Raffle

Swapping Party

Chicken Little

All Good Lawyers

There Is a Hell

Paving the Way

Am I Driving?

Need an Excuse

Builder’s Confession

The Last Words

Qualified?

Jerks

Tell Me, Doctor

Definitely Not Politically Correct!

Say When!

How Old Is Grandpa?

Ask and You Shall Receive

Gotta Love It

Riding High

Am I Big

Praise the Lord

Notify the Next of Kin

What Should I Wear?

Crooked Politicians

No Mail

Irish Football

Clean Dishes

Needing God

Motion Detector

What Ya Knitting?

Not Tonite

Nun’s Nite Out

Stand Up and Be Counted

I Need a Vet

Mornin’, My Little W2

Bubba Wants to Marry

Weighing In

Honeymoon Annoyance

Mountain Climber

Odd Man Out

Heaven or Hell

Amen

Nun’s Medicine

The Best Defense

Lipstick on the Collar

Vanishing Cream

Men Are Good For?

What?

Last Rites At The Track

Seeing Blonde

Want to Bet

Worst Thing

Moo, Moo, Buckaroo

She’s a He

Luigi

Recycling

Pay Your Rent Now

Honest Lawyer?

Webster’s Dictionary

Discipline

Only a Man Would

Would You Like Dinner

Pony Express

Stupid Cat

Interfaith Rivalry

Dear Departed

Irish Humor

Baptizing

Hail the Queen

To Tell the Truth

Three Rules of Getting Older

Stewardess’s Lament

God’s Employee

Building Wealth

Inflated Bra

Applied Psychology

House Call

Jesus Will Help

What Women Like

Mutual Orgasm

Last Request

Prescribe This

GI Insurance

Postmistress

Baby Brother

All Fall Down

Sexual Relations

Chicken Breast

Change Positions

Bloodletting

Pay Per Sermon

Girls Jumping

Dutiful Daughter

Tech Support

Exercise

E-mail Prayer

Sue Me?

Who’s He

Hushers

Watch Thy Step

Honesty

They Said It

Yes, Dear

Seconds

Makeup

Flee the City

Salsa

Wrong Man

Devil May Care

What’s Mine Is Mine

Over the Bulge

Change of Mind

Final Answer

What’s Up, Doc

Smarty

Aim Careful

How About Some Chinese for Lunch?

Only in America

False Advertisement

Contemplate These

I Made It

Calm

Snowed In

Finders, Keepers

Grouch

Uh, Father . . .

Riding Sex

Camel Thing

All Done

Pastor Sermon

Blondes

One for the House

Ponder These

Birds and Bees

Death Wish

Stop Looking

Are They Real

Polish Remover

Slow Girl

Place Kick

Bill Payer

True Love

Eye This

Enough Sex

Kids?

Hair This

Priest-to-priest Confessions

We Deliver

Boom, Boom

Biker Problem

Happiest Day

What I Need

Can’t Sleep

Sex Talk

Male

Children

Winning Score

Minister’s Epistle

What Man Becomes

The Three Stages of a Man

Climb the Walls

Farsighted

Sex Objects

Pilot Problem

What Am I

Marital Problems

To Dream or Not

Goat for Dinner

Green Fees

Paint What I Feel

Double or Nothing

Perfect Mate

Good Help

The Maid

Horse’s Ass

Jesus Lost

Heaven Help the Teachers

Light Sounds

Christian Bloopers

Windbreaker

Check Out

Give Um Hell

Bad Kids

Drunken Patrons

Yim Yonson

Circulate

Mother-in-law

Let’s Talk

Moses Gets a Computer

Your Place or Mine

Thrifty One

Wife Helper

Bad Check

Not Getting Any Younger

Frugal: to Save

Final Curtain

Pill Head Husband

Weight Watcher

Roaches

Rock Hard

Dead or Alive

Religious Things

Burglars

Surprise

Bathroom Humor

Get What You Pay For

Government

Feeling Ignored

Cowboy Insurance

Homework

Employment Reference

Religious Tithe

Mornin’ Parson

Family Support

Beats Me

Just the Facts

Jury Selection

Amish Redneck

Hungry For Power

Family of the Groom

Double Bogie

Auto Repair

Veni, Verdi, Visa

Mama’s Girl

Chain Letter

Dud Ranch

Clean Job

Making the Grade

A Good Woman

Which Virgin Mother

Sunday School

Read Him His Rights

Election—the Day After

Polish Chicken

Indian Knowledge

Picky Cannibals

Luck of the Irish

Homely Woman

Going to the Dogs

Army Love

Artificial Insemination

Hers or His

Managed Care

Why Do You Like Me

Doctor Joke

Why Are Terrorists So Willing to Die?

Cheating Wife

TV Game Show

Fashion Statement

Can’t We Just Get Along

Doctor’s Order

Headache

Just Add Water

Movie Ratings Explained

All the Same Size

Backslidin’

Being Gypped

Double Decker

Sex on the Run

He Hates Me

Laughter

Tit For Tat

Rednecks

Worst Job I’ve Had

Mother’s Day

WWJD

Overslept

Success (in a nutshell)

Bridge Player

Going Up

Fool

Only in Washington

What’s HMOs

Santa’s Pilot’s License Examination

Bra Size

Change the Wine

First Fight

Heart Position

Marriage

Define Warm

Parental Advice

Devastated One

To My Darling Husband

Golf Balls

Little Hefner

Teen Attire

Politically In-Co-Rectal

Paratrooper

Heads Up

College Student Letter

Quite Cars

Scavenger Hunt

Blonde Commuter

I’m the Boss

New Pilot

Gotta Go

The F Word

Hereafter

Diagnosis

Johnny’s Field Trip

Not My Job

The Rancher’s Wife

Emergency Prayer

Stupid John

Men Are Like Chocolate Bars

No Arabs

Guilty or Not

Famous Sexual Quotes

Kitchy Kitchy Koo

Sometimes

The War on Terrorism

Football Star

Viagra

Duck Hunter

Signing

What Is Marketing?

What’s Dad Like

Bereaved

My Little Taco

Made In Japan

Little Farmer John

Flatulent One

Sermon on the Mound

Parachute Club

How Old Are You

Mountaineer

Target Radar

Booger

Weight Loss

Dancing Duck

Black Yard Man

Truck Diner

Best Sermon

Naive One

What Sex Are They

Canada Helps

Police Report

Judi Van Gogh

Understanding the Game

The Woman I Marry

Card Shark

Natural Evolution

The Wife Doesn’t Know

Not Enough Time

Who Needs Golf

Hang on This

Titanic Down

Great Salesman

Horse Doctor

Parachutist

Long Time Gone

Trouble at Home

Pork, Anyone?

That’s the French

Pew

Bite Me

Good Provider

What’s Dumb?

Golf Truisms

Slice of Golf History

New Parents

He Said What?

Dating Homeless Woman

Father of the Bride

Garden of Eden

Commitment

Golf Frog

Paying Attention at Services

A Little Roar

Japanese Pizza

It’s Only Money

Hit by a Bus

Camping Incentive

Weather Channel

No Funds

Getting Even

Wants a Tattoo

You Be the Master

Helpful Caddie

Hillary, a Teacher?

Dad, Where Did I Come From

Who’da Thought

In Great Shape

Our Side of the Story

Bed and Breakfast

Too Good for Her

De-something

Mystery of the Universe

Get My Broker

Sanitary Conditions

No News Is Good News

Schoolteacher

Precious Cargo

You Smell Good

Old Biker

Texas Brag

Something to Offend Everyone

Jesse Turning White?

I’m Not Old, I’m Just Mature

Job Placement

Grouchy

A Base Hit

Celebrating Christmas

Then God Created Man

Young Love

Used X-rays

Oh, To Be Twelve Again

Need a Raise

Acknowledgments

Special thanks for the friendship and help of my good friend and golf partner Ken Orlando, and to my other golfing buddies, John Pearson and Frank Phebus. And to my longtime golfing mentor and contributor, Dick Grodecki, who always had a joke for any topic or subject. May he rest in peace. God bless.

Jokes, Quotes,

and

Other Assorted Thing

Enjoy

Hell of a Trip

A New York couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left New York and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address and, without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Dallas, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read,

To: My Loving Wife

Subject : I’ve Arrived

Date: October 16, 2007

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS. Sure is freaking hot down here!

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, Wait just a moment! She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.

The loyal wife replied, Listen, I’m a Christian. I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!

I sure did, said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check . . . If he can cash it, then he can spend it.

Slow Watch

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late? No, he replies, I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it? The cowboy explains, It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically. The lady says, What’s it telling you now?

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.

The woman giggles and replies, Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch, and says, Damn thing’s an hour fast.

Gotch-ya

The soon-to-be bride asked the doctor if there was any way to get her virginity back or make her husband-to-be feel like she was still a virgin.

The doctor says, Medically, no, but here’s something you can try . . . On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband enters you for the first time, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s your virginity snapping.

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.

The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing, and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby slips it in, she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams, What the hell was that!

The wife explains, Oh, nothing, honey. That was just my virginity snapping.

The husband cries out, Well, snap it again. It’s got my balls!

A Kind Trooper

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly, he thought, What am I doing? I’m too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, Sir, my shift ends in thirty minutes. Today is Friday. Now if you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.

The old gentleman paused, then said, Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

You have a good day, sir, replied the trooper.

Classmates

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a handsome tall dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some thirty-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School. Yes, yes, I did, he said. I’m a Mustang, he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate? I asked. He answered, In 1975. Why do you ask? You were in my class! I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then that four-eyed, ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat-ass, gray-haired son of a bitch asked, What did you teach?

Religious Nuts

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodeaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, which read, Da End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now! Before It’s Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, Y’all is religious nuts!

Then from the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash . . . Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and asks, Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say ‘Bridge Out’?

Comatose Woman

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room, giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again, and sure enough, there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.

After a few minutes, the woman’s monitor flatlined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. What happened? they cried.

The husband said, I’m not sure . . . maybe she choked?

Feel-good Golf Balls

Two women were playing golf when one teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward four men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist, and I may be able to help relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.

Oh, no, I’ll be fine in a few minutes, the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away, laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and placed her hands inside on his groin. She administered a tender massage for several long moments and asked, How does that feel? He replied, It feels great, but my thumb still hurts.

Politically Handicapped

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, three kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, I want to go to Disneyland.

Hillary said, No problem. I’ll take you there on my special senator’s airplane.

The second kid said, I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.

Hillary said, I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!

The third kid said, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!

Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.

The kid said, I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.

Things to Ponder

I had amnesia once—or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses’ side saddle.

What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto freeway traffic.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height—which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

How can there be self-help groups?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

Is it just me—or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Instructions Posted at a Golf Club

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Take a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Do not stand directly in front of others.

9. Be quiet while others are preparing to go.

10. Do not take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal and go outside and tee off.

Escaping the Firing Squad

Bronco was put up against the wall for his execution, and right before the order to shoot was given, he yelled out loud, Earthquake! The firing squad panicked, and in the confusion, Bronco jumped over the wall and escaped. Next came Stan, and when the squad had reassembled, he thought of what Bronco had done. So just before the signal to shoot was given, Stan yelled, Tornado! The squad again scattered and took cover, and Stan slipped over the wall and escaped. Third up to be executed was Ollie. Having seen what the two before him had done, he figured all he had to do was yell out a disaster warning and then slip away in the confusion. Once more, the squad had assembled and had raised their rifles and were taking aim. Ollie smiled smugly and yelled Fire!

Open Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning, not knowing his zipper was down and his fly was wide open. His female assistant walked up to him and said, This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door? The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and he walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his garage door.

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer 3 parked in there?

Without looking up, she just smiled and said, No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old Volkswagen with two flat tires.

Mexican Delicacy

A Texas cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, What is that you just served?

The waiter replied, Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!

The cowboy said, What the heck, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!

The waiter replied, I am so very sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!

The next morning, the cowboy came early and placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called to the waiter and said, These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, Si, senor, sometimes the bull wins.

Little Boy at Nude Beach

A mother and father take their six-year-old son to a nude beach in Miami. As the boy walks along the beach, he notices that many women have boobs larger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is. The boy is pleased with the answer, so he goes back to playing in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, The bigger they are, the dumber the man is. Again, satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back into the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again to his mother and tells her, Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

Hillbilly Relations

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. The first fellow says to the second, If’n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, Well, I don’t know about kin, but it’d make us even.

Seven Stages of Sex

The first stage of sex is called Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The second stage of sex is called Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The third stage of sex is called Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The fourth stage of sex is called Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner far too long. When you pass each other in the hallway, you both say, Screw you.

The fifth stage of sex is called Religious Sex.

Which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon, and nun at night.

The sixth stage of sex is called Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife anymore and she takes you to court and she and the judge screw you in front of everyone.

And the seventh and last stage of sex is called Social Security Sex.

This is when you get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

I’m a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backward. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, I am a Father. The little boy replied, My daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that. The priest looked up from his book and answered, I am the Father of many. The boy said, My dad has four boys, four girls, and two grandchildren, and he doesn’t wear his collar that way. The priest, getting impatient, said, I am the Father of hundreds, and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly, thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, Maybe you should wear your pants backward instead of your collar.

Prescription Needed

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady replied, I need it to poison my husband.

The pharmacist’s eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, Well, now that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.

Old People with Ingenuity

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem—how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?

The farmer said, Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.

The old lady suggested, Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand? Why thank you very much, he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, Let’s take my shortcut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me . . . How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

Italian Bread

Two old guys, one eighty and one eighty-seven, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The eighty-seven-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The eighty-year-old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The eighty-seven-year-old said, Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high, and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies. So on the way home, the eighty-year-old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. He said, Do you have any Italian bread? She said, Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some? He said, Yes, I want five loaves. She said, My goodness, five loaves. Don’t you think by the time you get to the fifth loaf, it’ll be hard? He replied, Holy shit. Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me!

Golfer on the Tee

It was a sunny morning, a little after 8:00 a.m., on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my preshot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee, please?

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again, the announcement, "Would the man on the woman’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee?"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the