An American Conglomeration: Humor, Wisdom, History, Philosophy, Patriotism, Knowledge, Reality

By Rodd Smith

I enjoy reading autobiographies, history, novels, etc., but leisure readers became a novelty for me to pass the time and relax. If you don't want to get into a novel or an autobiography, if you want short reads, this is the book for you.

I started this gathering of resources for this book back in the early '90s. My passion for humor, history, patriotism, ethics, morals, wit, wisdom, reality, and knowledge became a goal for me to form topics that interested the common reader without the political influence found in other writings.

There are times that you have time in waiting--waiting for appointments, car maintenance, doctor appointments, your child at school pickup, whatever type of waiting, enjoy a leisure reader. My favorite was Reader's Digest; I would go straight to the "Humor" section. I had no interest in the advertising magazines; they brought no ease of mind and relaxation that humor brings to you as an escape from reality when you need it, especially at whatever waiting occasion it may be.

For over twenty-plus years, and still today, I have gathered an assortment of reading enjoyment I would love to share with you. This book may be more related to the baby boomer era, but I think all will enjoy. It brings the old and new together in a fashionable outline of topics and categories. I figure it is time to share what I have resourced in the last two decades.

A conglomeration of materials gathered from many sources into an organized whole to appease your appetite for ease of reading and remain distinct entities. Reading gives us some place to go when we have to stay where we are. We don't create a fantasy world to escape reality; we create it to be able to stay.

I wanted to take you back to the good old days yet keep you up to date with laughter, knowledge, and peacefulness away from the grinding days that we are today. I hope that this American Conglomeration brings you escape at times when you needed that escape and some knowledge you probably didn't want to know but was interesting.

A masterpiece refers to a creation that has been given much critical praise, especially one that is considered the greatest work of his/her outstanding creativity and skill. That is not me; I just want you to enjoy the anthology of the content in this book. You decide for yourself.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Newman Springs Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Nov 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9781684988440

Book preview

Copyright © 2022 Rodd Smith

All rights reserved

First Edition

NEWMAN SPRINGS PUBLISHING

320 Broad Street

Red Bank, NJ 07701

First originally published by Newman Springs Publishing 2022

ISBN 978-1-68498-843-3 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-68498-844-0 (Digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Wishing you the morning sunshine brings health, grins, and giggles while reading this book.

Thank you for obtaining a copy of

An American Conglomeration.

To all who protect and give us the freedom, courtesy of the outstanding men and women who serve and have served this country with honor, dedication, pride, and sacrifice!

This book is dedicated to all my schoolmates who, through the years, have sacrificed time and effort to stay in touch with those that touched our lives through our time during our educational years and beyond. To my Silver Bullet Compadres, going back to elementary, middle school, and high school, who today I keep in my heart.

In the end, it is not the years in your life that count; it is the life in your years.

The Dash of Your Life

On a tombstone, the dash represents the history of our lives on earth, the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years. God blessed us with heart, soul, spirit, breath, and life. That dash is our story filled with characters, conflicts, actions, emotions, dialogues, trials, triumphs, tears, smiles, hugs, kisses, gains, losses, mystery, suspense, fiction, nonfiction, courage, cowardice, heroes, villains, dreams, nightmares, plans, and plots.

The dash that is located on a gravestone between the date of birth and the date of death is a powerful little line. It carries a lifetime of data that represents you.

It can represent a day or one hundred years. Regardless of the length of time it represents, the dash shouts, I lived here!

My disclaimer is not to offend or prejudice anyone. Some areas considered R-rated.

In order to continue, you will need one or two of the following:

   A strong gut for jokes

   A humongous sense of humor

   A strong will for trivia

   Love your military (patriotism)

   A half-Einstein brain (quiz)

   Reading glasses (if applicable)

   Enjoy reading

   Time to relax

Snippets, definition: a small piece, scrap or portion, specific of information, of a book, etc. Throughout this book, you will find snippets in any of the categories. Enjoy them; they bring quick wit, wisdom, knowledge, laughter, etc.

Snippets

*I would like to thank whoever told my mom that WTF means Wow, that’s fantastic. Her texts are so much more fun now.

*Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said, I’m a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal. Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road today.

*Back in the ’60s, new hip joint meant someplace I wanted to go on Friday.

Get-There-Quick Sections

Just For Giggles

Kids Being Kids

Senior Moments

Motivational

Patriotism

Life In General

Sound Off

Wuhan

Ethics And Morals

What Do We Know?

Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier

What Century Are We In?

Signs Of The Time

Contents

A Reading for Pleasure

Humor

Finding Inner Peace

Got Drunk Once

Weather Stone

Home Demo

Life After Death

The Most Functional Word

Snotty Receptionist

Five Ways to a Man’s Happiness

Two Cajun Pastors

What I Learned in Fifty Years

Chinese Proverbs

Pregnancy Q and A

Better Late than Never

Hunting Flies

Small Texas Facts

Blonde

Life Skills Class

IF Texas Jokes

Gynecologist Who Became a Mechanic

Aunt Karen

Vincent Van Gogh Family Tree

Top Five Reasons

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

Jack Daniel’s Fishing Story

Red Dot

Fairy Tale Begins

A Pastor’s Ass

Best Patients

Bought a Dead Horse

Business Trip or Pleasure

Why Buy the Cow

Profound Thoughts

Family Texting

Homework Assignment

Anniversaries

Okay, Naughty Sayings on Thanksgiving

Remember the Mood Ring

Cemetery Stroll

The Water Pistol

Natives Be Like

Break for Trivia Time

Who Thinks of These Things!

Sexuality Quotes from Celebrities

These Actually Have Names

A Blonde with a Paintbrush

Newspaper Contest

Water or Coke?

Don’t Look Down

Pilots versus Air Controllers

Cowboy Rules to Live By

Here’s What’s Cool

I Am Too Smart for the First Grade

Tan Lines

Best E-Mail Joke in Australia

Cajun Fishing

Stupidity Runs Rampant

Hollywood Squares

A Two-Letter Word: Up

Frederick’s of Hollywood

Washington Post Rhyme Contest Entries

Helpful Aids

Speed Limit

A Rookie Priest

Noah! Today Is Your Day

Just Wondering…

One Nation under God

According to Will Rogers

Eight Words with Two Meanings

Paternity Coffee

Did You Know That!

The Numbers

New Boots

Southern Gentility

Texas Chili Cook-Off

Gibberish

Questions to God from Dogs

Early Retirement

Snappy Answers

Kids’ Version of What Is Love

Kids? This Might Help

Kids Put on the Spot

Instilling Ten Lessons in Kids

Kids R Kids

Kids! Darn Kids!

Caring

We Changed the Kids

Observant Kids

Great Truths Little Children Have Learned

Act Now!

Words of Wisdom Brilliancy from Kids

I Was Just Thinking

Old Geezers

Thank God for Old Geezers!

An Old Farmer’s Advice

Woodstock 1969

Computer Users over Fifty

Chasing Cars

Job Application

Feeling Old Yet?

Notes to Myself

Finally Reached the Wonder Years

How to Stay Young

See Ya in Heaven

A Retiree’s Last Trip to Costco

Old Is When!

Time Gets Better with Age

Chalk One Up for the Seniors

My Young Mind

One Day

Smart-Ass

Renewed Spirit

Just Being Elderly

SOS

A Difference in Years Make

Do You Realize

How to Stay Young

The Perks of Being a Senior

Twelve Commandments for Seniors

Senior Texting

Things That Used to Hurt My Back

Seenager (Senior Teenager)

Local Store Management Message

An American Citizen

The Cracked Pot

Heart Test

A Rose

The Pickle Jar

Daddy Brings Tears

The Wooden Bowl

Vietnam

An Agent Orange Link

Coins on a Headstone

Murphy’s Laws of War

The American Flag

Still a Marine

Semper Fi

Facts About the Vietnam Wall

Coincidental

Where Are Our Desks?

A Family Tradition

It Is the Soldier

Why War Veterans Reunite

Always a Veteran

I Am a Navy Veteran

Time

Vietnam Angel

In-Country Vet

Freedom

A Boy and a Baseball

Just Visiting

Believing in Yourself

A Good Relationship

Previous Generation

Believing in Yourself

Indian Thinking

We Know Companies Like This

We Had a Really Mean Mom

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Bob Hope Remembered

Let Us Ponder on These

Remembering the Little Things

Great Truths Adults Have Learned

Great Truths About Growing Old

The Four Stages of Life

Success

Wife

Acceptable Use of the F-Word

I Am at Ease

Indian Chief Speak

English Language Is Tough

Not Your Everyday Astrological Sign

The Paomnnell Pweor of Hmuan Mnid

What I Want to Hear

Why Is It That We Have to Speak English?

Doctor’s Point of View

Bananas

A Mechanic

Something to Offend Everyone

Do You Remember When?

Ordering Breakfast in Spanish

Court Recorders Keep Straight Faces

Our Gang

Simple Formula for Living

Make Your Day Better

Nailed It!

Only in Houston, Texas

Outstanding Comeback

The Gun

Traitor

Just a Thought

Shot Finally Heard

A Quote to Remember

An Obituary for Common Sense

Seventeen Inches

Best Words Spoken

Profound Little Paragraph

Wuhan Hysteria

Day 5 Quarantine

Hilarious Thoughts while on Quarantine

Coronavirus Standouts

After Coronavirus Be Like

Facebook Anonymous Poll

Lockdown

Calm Down

Wuhan Top 15 Hits

Pandemic Firsts

Fear Strikes

Five Life Lessons

Reasons Why I Owe My Mother

The Bathtub Test

Pictures

Lies My Mother Told Me

Think About This

Things Your Mom Never Told You

Sealed in Silence

Slide On

Reverse Roles

Stand for the Flag

There Are Four Things You Cannot Get Back

Gave Me the Shivers

Dad and Son Talk

Six Little Stories

The Donkey

Burnt Biscuits

Mayonnaise Jar and Beer

Albert Einstein Wrote

Miss Me?

Put the Glass Down

Back in the Day

E-Mail versus Tomatoes

Words to Live By

Welcome

WOW!

Integrity

The Empty Wagon

Being Judged by Grammar

True Power

The Oldest Computer

People of Importance

Wolf Pack

Shaping the Heart

A Profound Statement from the Past

Think About This

Making Decisions

Which Side You On: 1 or 2?

A Second Day of Infamy

How Well Do You Know Your 13s

Factual: Numbers That Affect Our Lives

Can You Beat 20? (The Average Is 7)

The Tomb

Welcome to the Twenty-First Century

What Is the Twenty-First Century

An American Conglomeration

A Reading for Pleasure

A conglomeration of materials gathered from many sources into an organized whole to appease your appetite for ease of reading, and remain distinct entities.

Personal outcomes of reading for pleasure include

relaxation,

focus and flow,

enjoyment,

escapism,

creativity and imagination,

knowledge of self and self-identity, and

emotional intelligence.

Social outcomes of reading for pleasure include

reduced depressions symptoms,

reduced dementia symptoms,

empathy,

social and cultural capital,

communication skills, and

self-expression.

External outcomes of reading for pleasure include

motivation to learn and

knowledge of other cultures.

I thought very long in publishing this book. The problem was, I had no category to assign this book. So I have decided to call it An American Conglomeration, a collection of many different types of relevant significance the reader will experience.

Turn down the volume of life to hear the whisper of God.

Snippets

*Last night, I ordered a glass of wine with my dinner, and the waiter asked for my ID.

I replied, Do I look that young?

And the waiter said, No. I just wanted to see if you qualified for the senior discount.

*Maybe if we tell the world that the brain is an app, they will start using it.

*Sometimes life bites you in the rear. Thankfully, I have enough padding in the rear to take the bite.

*None of us sit high enough to look down on anybody.

*Every once in a while, I will go outside and run the vacuum cleaner over the driveway, just to ensure that neighbors never talk to me.

Just For Giggles

Humor

This book is surrounded by humor.

Humor is the sense of wit or comedy and is a benefit only to humans. Man is the only animal that knows to laugh.

If we face the challenges in life with a light sense of humor, it is not impossible to scale new heights of success. A person without a sense of humor is like a character in The Walking Dead, numb to the world.

To put it in a lighter manner, comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. The irony is that humor is everywhere, and we only have to identify it at the right time. But we take great pains to search for humor and practice it.

Studies show that laughter is the best medicine, and a sense of humor has the capability of curing dreaded adversity. To sum up, the world is a tragedy to those who feel but a comedy to those who think.

Some who have sought to explain humor point to the fact that many jokes or funny events contradict one’s sense of how things are supposed to be.

The theory of compassionate violations proposes that something is funny when it seems both wrong or threatening, and essentially harmless, as when a comedian says something shocking but clearly unserious. (What counts as compassionate depends on the perceiver of the joke.) Other theories of what makes things funny focus on the role of tension relief, suddenly getting how incongruous details fit together, and other factors.

Hopefully you find the humor in this book humorous at times, and pleasurable at other times, but humor also serves other important functions too. Being able to laugh may cushion the emotional blow of a trying experience and lighten up a tense atmosphere. As a shared experience, humor can help bring friends, family, and romantic partners close together.

Humor can make stressful situations better. In addition to the positive feelings that joking and laughing stirs, some have proposed increased feelings of social support and an improved ability to rethink distressing situations as potential reasons for a stress-buffering effect.

In light of the positive impact humor can have on well-being, many have claimed that it can improve health as well. While the links between humor and different aspects of physical health—such as immune function or heart health—have been explored, the evidence is largely inconclusive. But never give up on the feeling of illumination.

Snippets

*Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.

*I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.

Finding Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read, The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started. So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and had not finished, and before coming to work this morning, I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates, and two liters of Stella Artois, a half can of cider, and some cheese.

You have no idea how good I feel.

Got Drunk Once

My dad and I were at the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is in his nineties). We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he kept staring at a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors; green, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager noticed him staring. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What’s the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, he did not bat an eye in his response.

Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock, I was just wondering if you were my son.

Weather Stone

Home Demo

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced, to his wife, at 7:30 p.m. after work.

His wife begins screaming at him, and his friend just sits and listens.

Wife: My hair and makeup are not done, I’m still in my pajamas, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home!

Husband: Because he’s thinking of getting married, and I promised him a demo!

Life After Death

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Employee: Certainly not! There is no proof of it.

Boss: Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he came here looking for you.

The Most Functional Word

Well it’s shit! That’s right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language today.

Like almost made it.

Consider this:

You can be shit-faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together.

Find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit and find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and Shinola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bullshit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you’re in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation, and remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know everything else!

Snippets

*One day you will wake up, and there won’t be any more time to do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Do it now.

*The most wonderful places to go in the world are in someone’s thoughts, in someone’s prayers, in someone’s heart.

Snotty Receptionist

There’s nothing worse than a snotty doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An eighty-six-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?

There’s something wrong with my penis, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.

Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you, he said.

The receptionist replied, You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.

The man replied, You shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, Yes?

There’s something wrong with my ear, he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. And what is wrong with your ear, sir?

I can’t piss out of it, the man replied.

The doctor’s office erupted in laughter.

Snippets

*Life is a miracle, and every breath we take is a gift from our Creator.

Five Ways to a Man’s Happiness

Be with a woman who makes you laugh.

Be with a woman who gives you her time.

Be with a woman who takes care of you.

Be with a woman who really loves you.

Finally make sure these four women don’t know one another.

Two Cajun Pastors

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodeaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read, Da End Is Near. Turn Yo Se’f Roun’ Now Afore It Be Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, You religious nuts!

From the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and asks, Da ya tink maybe da sign should jussay ‘bridge out’?

What I Learned in Fifty Years

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to