Schindler's Short-Short Stories & Uncommon Sense

By James Schindler

In Schindler’s Short-Short Stories & Uncommon Sense, you will experience Schindler’s unique humor and insights. The incredibly short, true, and humorous stories, along with an assortment of timely observations and comments, will definitely bring a smile to your face and give you something to think about.

Quick and simple, Schindler’s Short-Short Stories & Uncommon Sense is filled with clever tales written with a bit of advice and uncommon sense thrown in for good measure.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Apr 15, 2019
• ISBN: 9781796027471

James Schindler

Schindler, born in 1934, during the great depression, is the youngest of nine children. Placed in an orphanage at the age of three, he developed an exceptional way of seeing even the worst experiences in a positive light. This ability enabled him to rise above his circumstances, graduate from John Carroll University and to establish his own business, Bandido’s Mexican restaurants. He is married, the father of seven children and an ever-growing number of grandchildren. He now resides in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Book preview

Schindler’s

Short-Short Stories

&

Uncommon Sense

James Schindler

Copyright © 2019 by James Schindler.

Library of Congress Control Number:        2019904375

ISBN:                    Hardcover                       978-1-7960-2735-8

                             Softcover                        978-1-7960-2734-1

                             eBook                             978-1-7960-2747-1

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 04/14/2019

Xlibris

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

792873

Contents

Dedication

Author’s Note

Acknowledgments

Short-Short Stories & Uncommon Sense

That Smells!

A Dirty Crack

Good-bye

Sick of

Wisdom

Scotty’s Insight

Themselves

Listen Listen Listen

Trust Everyone But

The Best Medicine

Excuse Me But Did I Only Order a Half a Glass?

A Thousand to None

The Bobcat and the Hare

Sue the SOB?

Grim Reaper

Heavenly Hell

A Nickel’s Worth

Waits

Polls

Senseless

Smart Customers

A Weighty Problem

The Expensive Meal

Ole!

Look’n Up

Ted Terrific

Denny’s Dilemma

Where Will You Go?

Fill’er Up!

Improve

The Fat in the Hat

Brrrrrrrrrrr

The Path to Wedded Bliss

The Eyes Have It!

Too Many Wrongs

Good Advice from Fritz

The Good Germs

Not All!

Counselor You’re Killing Me!

Parts Go Where?

By George

He Never Forget His Lunch Bucket!

It Hurts!

Definition

In Paradise

A Car Job

Paying on Time

Win the Hate

An Eye Opener

Sick’O!

The Big Juan

A Monumental Task

Not All!

Definition

A Hard Left!

To Each According to Their Beliefs

The Case of the Missing Pickup

Battle of the Gods

She Never Loses

The Quiet Bells

Exposé

Delicate Bottoms

Now That’s Cold!

The Donkey and the Well

The Well

The Tale

The Dominant Sex

The Good Lawyer

Good God!

Check This

Definition

Smart Advice

Wimpy

No Rules

A Bullhead

Name Calling

Sweet Sixteen and Definitely Been Kissed!

The Nutcracker

Back Home

A Miserable Premise

The St. Peter Principle

The Butterfly and the Bee

Luke Can!

Heaven

The Boob Tube

He Digs It!

The Age Advantage

What Can I Say?

A Smart Lesson!

The Final Choice

Bumpkin

Keep it Moving!

You Can’t Miss!

Expertless

How Old Would You Be?

Word Watch

The Wannabe

Wannabe

Would He Feed You a Kroc?

Club-less

No Regrets

He’s Not that Smart

Continuing Education

Young Mind

Skill or Luck?

The Imperial Salad

Their Worst Nightmare

Silver-tongued

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!

Not Quite!

Sickening!

The Advantage of Poverty

Shooting from the Lip

The Beat Goes On

It Lies!

Schindler’s First Rule of Law

The Greatest Joy

Severin Schurger (1909 - 1993)

Definition

No Passing Allowed

Judge BoBo

The Big Hit

We All Love Dead Presidents

More than One

Do It Now!

No Drive

You Name It!

Suck Ups?

Six Times!

Laps around the Beads

The Droopsies

Bob’s Knows

Definition:

The Only Jinx

Worry

Go for the Cheese

The Headstone

Is Minimus Maximus?

The Money Flee

He Luvs’em

Let’s Face It

Hell? No!

The Pits

Hesitation

Entitlement

The Porcupine and the Pups

Dumbest

Political Payoffs

Quoting Lary

Headache

A Positive Light

The Skinny on the Fat

Now That’s Tight

Schindler’s Guaranteed Weight-Loss Program

They Auto Go!

Get a Job!

Cribbing

Political Incorrectness

The Good Sinner

Cuz

No Sympathy

A Goner!

Know Nothings

No Place like Home

Who Says?

Wurstwhile

No Goodbyes

One in a Million!

On And Off

God Rules

The Difference

Show Off!

A Different Look

Honor

The Chief Reason

No Ass-Sits!

The Railroad Story

Herb

A Painless Hurt

The Cigar Shops

The Worst of the Best

Piled High and Deep

Carl

Janice

Hope Springs Up

The Game of Life

Santa Comes Tonight

Enlightening

One Hell of a Sale

Lots of Bucks

A Real Mother

Joe Knows

Schindler’s Second Rule of Law

Flaming

Keep the Faith

Anna

Definition

The Wait

Atonement

Wrong Lane

It’s Everywhere!

Push’n Up

A Great Day

Left Out In the Cold

Snow

Unlimited Potential

Schindler’s Third Rule of Law

No Pull

Hard Heart

I’m Dead?

The Initial Interpretation

Not about Fish’n

Holy

The Wisdom of Holden

Eddie’s Coffin

Jimmie II’s Right

Indeed!

The Castle

The Mouse and the Rat

No Boobs

Garage Door’s Up!

A Bushel?

Bennie

Artless

The Best & Worst

Grandpa George

Help’n Max

Getting There

The Good Pie

The Silent Message

Learning Problem

The English Lesson

No Work

First Class

The Good Johnny

Carats Count

Definition

The Innocents

Same Restaurant

A Good Chance

The Wrath of Grapes

Stanley The Manly

Today’s Heroes

Body Talk

Ponce I’ve found it!

Where to Go

Good Advice

They Can’t Help It!

Fast Gas!

It Doesn’t Pay

The Good Ones

The Skivvie on Sim’s Fondest Memory

Mindless

Ass Sits

Clayson’s Concern

Definition

Quoting Bob

Half-Fast

Hold the Party!

The Good Care

A Shining Star

You Don’t Say

The Red Bracelet

He Didn’t See a Thing

It’s Hard to Beat the Band!

A Nice Choice

Better Go!

A Timeless Thought

Nothing!

An Old Bastard

A Helping Hand

Don’t Tell It!

The Unteachable Sense

The Incredible Shrinking Man

Driving Disabilities

Lying Hurts

Commonsense Rules for Raising Great Kids

The Bogeyman

Avoid the Familiar

A Humane Lesson

How’d You Do That?

Jay’s Genes

Hail to the Chief!

First Timers First!

The Tongue Is Mightier Than the Gun

His Job Bugs Him

Hair Today

Ethel?

What Counts

Toochie Loochie

110 Percent

Three Hail Mary’s

He SAT On His Ass-ets

Definition

My Best Shot

The Mighty Mind

It’s a Good Thing

The Luckiest Man

From Myself

Little Thinking

First Prize

Donovan’s Get’n Old

Sometimes

Nobody but Us

Mini Is Mighty

That’s Smart

My SUV

Now that’s Mean!

A Foxy Dog!

Light Up

Benedict

Not Much

Everyone Can Pass!

Useless Gifts

The Great Acting Game

Fair Game

A Bad Day

The Real Man

Sweat’n

Hell on Earth

Write It Down!

They Are

Above Average

Relatives, Friends & Acquaintances

The Bread Man

Before, During, or After?

When Fashion Is In, It’s Out!

True Contentment

Mad

Horse Around

The Vertical Man

Olde Harry

Wives Rule!

They Never Forget!

You Can’t

A Whim

Thank God!

The Long Walk

Young Joe

Boring!

Oh to B

Wiser is better!

Plato

Schindler

Tony Meets Carla

Prepare Thyself

The Indelible Marks

More BS

The Unspoken Truth

Needless

Nobody’s Perfect

Wearing Down

Brian

Rock’s Commandments

Foolish Spending

The Rating Game

The Sober Hangover

Questioning

Mc & Mac

The Rooster and the Goose

Stuff

Kama Sutra

Definition

The Taj Mahal

Between

The Smoker’s Number

Three Ways

Understand?

Not Teachers

Family, Friends, and Florida

It Prevents What?

Valueless!

Obviously

A Hell of a Trip!

Thanksgiving Gobblers

The Prodigal Heir

Moderation

Boredom Is the Father of Fatigue

Lunette

The Cute Masseur

Togetherness

Make’n Room

Hard Advice

Frank Didn’t

Shamus and the Saint

I Just Luv’em

Quaaludes

The Vacuum

An Obvious Truth!

All Aboard!

Youth

The True Test

Holly’s Folly

Keep Trying!

Logic

More Good Advice from Fritz

The Mouse and the Cowboy

The Crazy Good-bye

Get’n Old!

The Good Life

God-Speak

A Healthy Lesson

What Else?

She Remembers

Thanks a Lot!

Up the Hill

The Last Time

The Best Man

Experience

The Truth

Fanaticism

Hang on, Kenny!

Easier

Nice vs. Nasty

The Spiteful Spouse

I’ll Let You Go!

One Hell of a Homily

The Treadmill

The St. Patrick’s Boogie-Woogie

Say Cheese!

Definition

The Good Folks

Signing My Life Away

Al’s Going Nowhere

Not Yet!

The Lost Troopers

The Magnanimous Banker

The Wisdom of Confucius

The Benefactor

No Secret

The Golf Club

Stressed to Death

Gentle Does It!

They’re Killing the Goose!

Right On

Liquor and Longevity

Never Grow Old!

The Round Table

The Kernel

A Dick Theory

No A O’

Put Words in my Mouth, Please!

The Gene

Roots

Adios, Sucker

No Time

The Rear View

Definition

Don’t Look!

Not His Doctor!

Heaven on Earth

SAT Down

Wise Words

The Tell Tale Smell

And now, folks, the grand finale.

Less Painful

Joseph E. Schindler 1932-1999 My Big Brother and Hero

Dedicated to

Joseph E. Schindler

1932-1999

Author’s Note

All the stories, in this book, just as in my first book, Schindler’s Tiny Tales & Whatnot, are as I remember them or as told to me by my family, friends, and acquaintances. Although I might have embellished some for effect, to the best of my knowledge they’re all true. As for the Uncommon Sense essays and remarks, I plead guilty! Mea culpa!

To all of you who spent your hard-earned dollars and valuable time to buy and read Schindler’s Short Stories & Uncommon Sense, I compliment you on your impeccable literary taste. Just don’t forget to tell your friends how much you liked it! For a book without readers is a little bit like a play without an audience. So, please, don’t let me go audienceless! Thanks a million, and Godspeed!

Also by

James A. Schindler

Schindler’s Tiny Tales & Whatnot

Look 10 Years Younger in 10 Minutes A Day

Tales for the Young at Heart

Delightful Stories for Kids from 8-80

St. Vincent’s Child

The Autobiography of James A. Schindler

Acknowledgments

I’d like to thank my wife, Fry, my kids, and my entire family for their loyal support and for patiently listening, in many cases over and over, albeit sometimes reluctantly, to my stories and so forth without complaining too much!

In addition, I’d like to thank my friends, acquaintances, and everyone else who shared their wonderful stories. Special thanks go to Bobby Eshcoff, one of the best storytellers I’ve ever met.

To my old buddy, old pal Fritz, I say, Danke schoen for your words of wisdom. And to my old Decatur buddies Bob Cook, Sim Hain, Joe Jauregui, Tom Terrific Hurst, et al., I say, Gracias, amigos.

Also, I’d like to extend my heartfelt thanks and gratitude to Eileen Brodmerkel for her help and kind words of encouragement.

Lastly, special thanks go to my daughter, Heidi Rose, for allowing me to include her essay Go for the Cheese.

Common sense and truth don’t need

Either art or much display;

Why hunt high-sounding words indeed,

If you have something true to say?

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Most people can’t rise above themselves! They are prisoners of their minds, captives of their thinking.

James A. Schindler

The world is a looking glass and gives back to every man the refection of his own face.

William Makepeace Thackeray

Short-Short Stories

& Uncommon Sense

That Smells!

I don’t know why, but these days for some reason, nobody wants to smell like a human being. Ladies bathe in scented water, use fragrant soap and shampoo, dust intimate parts with sweet-smelling powder, and douse themselves with exotic perfumes so they’ll smell like a flower, or a fruit, or anything except a woman.

And most men, not to be outdone by their fair ladies, use fragrant after-shave lotion with an odor like an evergreen tree or some other masculine aroma (whatever that is). In addition, more and more men are using cologne, which is nothing more than a mannish name for perfume. (But what macho man would be caught dead wearing cologne if it were called perfume?)

Furthermore, both sexes gargle with mint-flavored mouthwashes, supposedly making them kissing sweet (assuming, of course, that one wants to kiss a mint). Finally, they apply ample doses of deodorant to parts that have a tendency to sweat; for woe be unto the nose that detects even the faintest odor of perspiration, for it shall run forever!

Quite frankly, I love the natural scent of a woman. If I wanted to smell a flower or some sort of fruit, I’d visit a florist or a fruit stand! Do you really think that any other animal species would prefer the scent of cologne/perfume to that of a potential mate? If not, is it possible that we are being sold odoriferous concoctions to cover up the natural aromas specifically designed by Mother Nature to quicken the pulse, arouse the passions, and attract us to one another? If so, that smells!

A Dirty Crack

It must have been the summer of 1985, when my wife, Fry, and I were driving north on Lafayette, a one-way street in Fort Wayne, Indiana,