Catch And Release: A Redneck Woman's Guide To Dating

By Virginia Alene

It’s not a matter of being attracted to “Bad Boys” for me. I have a problem with finding
the “Good” in everyone I meet and blindly overlooking those red flags that say “Run, he’s
no good for you!”

If you are a woman who is bored with your life and seek adventure, it’s not all it’s cracked
up to be. Being married to a Redneck Cop was truly an eye opening experience.

When you’re married to the Clampetts, you begin to take on a whole new personality. The
sweet little woman in me, became a Redneck Woman and I exchanged my apron for a pair of Wranglers and a 357 revolver

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Sep 9, 2010
• ISBN: 9781453559512

Book preview

Copyright © 2010 by Virginia Alene.

Art/Cover Design: David Bishop Bamberg

DavidBamberg.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or

transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,

including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and

retrieval system, without permission in writing

from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are

models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 09/07/2023

Xlibris

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CONTENTS

Forward

Chapter 1: Dating—When to turn and run like Hell

Chapter 2: When he says . . . . what he really means is . . . .

Chapter 3: Married to the Anti-Christ

Chapter 4: How to walk on Eggshells

Chapter 5: Signs that your spouse might be cheating . . . .

Chapter 6: If you ever . . . .

Chapter 7: You know it’s over when . . . .

Chapter 8: Married to the Clampetts

Chapter 9: What can go wrong, will

Chapter 10: Is it just me, or is it Big and Stupid in here?

Chapter 11: You know you married a Redneck when . . . .

Chapter 12: Redfeather

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to my dear friend Kat, who encouraged me to write it. To all the women out there who know what I’m talking about, and to my Mom who lived 1400 miles away during all this.

Since then, life has taken me on an incredible journey and given me so much more to write about.

Grandma, I know you’re my angel and I love you very much. By the way . . . . nice punch!

Love and Peace,

Virginia Alene

FORWARD

Everything in this book really did happen to me. I could have chosen to get counseling or several years of therapy. I could have chosen medication, or to just shoot myself. I decided to look back, laugh about it and thank God for bringing me safely through the fire, plus I’ve had some awesome stories to share along the way.

Remember:

It’s not about What Happens to you in life, it’s how you react to those things that matters to God.

I believe that nothing happens by chance. I take on every challenge with an open mind and pray that God will guide me through it. If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

I have changed the names of the people in this book, but that doesn’t make it any less comical. For a Christian girl who went to Finishing School and always tried to do the right thing, it just goes to show that every good woman has a breaking point.

When I married the Redneck Cop, I had a whole new world to explore. Rednecks aren’t bad people. They just take a different approach. They have feelings too. Of course, they talk funny and some of them can’t pass an IQ test. Most Rednecks have a heart the size of Dallas and would lay down their life for their neighbor.

If it weren’t for Cheating Spouses, I wouldn’t have a story to tell. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any more complicated, all Hell broke loose. Incredibly, if you were to meet me today, you would never guess that I had such an unbelievable past. Dozens of friends have told me that I should do Stand-Up Comedy. I don’t like speaking in public. If you find this book to be entertaining, share it with a friend.

Enjoy the read, and may God bless you and keep you safe.

Virginia Alene

CHAPTER 1

Dating—When to turn and run like Hell

If he tells you he’s wearing his sister’s underwear because all of his are in the laundry.

If he tells you on the first date: It’s hard to believe that just one year ago I could fit all I own in a paper bag. (He just got out of prison)

If he’s a Mechanic and his fingernails are black from working on cars.

When he claims he never washes his hands before leaving a restroom, and says: I don’t pee on my hands.

When he refers to the mother of his children as the Psycho-Maniac Bitch from Hell.

When you’re on your second date with a guy and he tells you he loves you.

When a date enters your home and say’s: Now I could get used to this!

When he says: I used to beat my wife, but now I am a changed man.

When he say’s I spend every night on my knees and there are needle marks on his arms. (He probably dropped his needle.)

When a guy tells you I’m the touchy feely type and Hot Blooded on your first date. He’s a horn dog, run!

If he talks about your breasts all night, on the first date, or offers to pay for enhancement.

If he talks about his anatomy on the first date.

If he tells his mother to Shut-Up

If he refers to his son as an asshole.

If he insults the waitress or makes remarks about her anatomy.

If he drives like he’s in the Indy 500 and the speed limit is 30.

If he lets you pick up the tab on the first date.

If he plays his car stereo so loud you have to scream to carry on a conversation.

If he constantly snorts to clear his throat, then wants to kiss you.

If he says he doesn’t smoke and you can see the words Lucky Strikes through his shirt pocket.

If he has dishes piled up in the sink and roaches crawling through them. (he’s a lazy slob, run for your life)

If he chains his dog to a tree and leaves him without water or food.

If he ever kicks or smacks his dog, run. He will do the same to you. (the dog is his best friend.)

If he has a car in the driveway on cement blocks. He probably doesn’t have $400 to buy 4 new tires.

If he laughs every time someone passes gas.

If he talks about some goofy movie all night.

If he keeps looking at his watch when you’re on a date.

If he talks about another woman on your first date.

If he rests his hand on your upper thigh, like it’s perfectly ok, on your first date.

He tells you he lives with his folks and he’s 50 years old.

He takes a call while you’re on a date and refers to you as just a buddy, to the caller.

He asks you out to dinner and picks you up wearing a ratty t-shirt.

He spends the entire evening in the bathroom and tells you he has severe digestive issues every time he eats.

He shows you the condom in his wallet, when he pays for dinner.

He takes you to a fine restaurant and only orders a bowl of soup.

He picks you up in his sister’s car every time you go out.

He takes you to his place for a drink and there is a bottle of nail polish on the coffee table and panty hose on the floor in the bathroom.

The first time you are intimate with your man, your toes find a pair of silk panties between the sheets and they are not yours.

Your boyfriend hands you the earrings from the night stand and they are not yours.

There is a bottle of Just for Blondes shampoo in the shower at his place, and he has no hair.