Come as You Are: Meditation & Grief

By G. Scott Graham

G. Scott Graham first started practicing vipassana meditation in 1996.

In addition to his daily practice, Scott joined 10-day courses twice each year, whenever possible, alternating between sitting and serving.

Scott joined a course on December 11, 2019.

On the early hours of Sunday, December 22, 2019, the day Scott's course ended, his husband of 31 years, Brian Stephens, burned to death in a horrific automobile accident. Two months later, because of the COVID-19 pandemic, the world essentially shut down.

In this book, Scott shares his successes, struggles, insights, and shifts from more than a year of grieving-in-isolation. A year where ānāpāna-sati, vipassanā-bhāvanā, and most importantly, mettā-bhāvanā became his most important allies. Most of the people who initially provided support to Scott moved on, as they often do, from those who are grieving.

More than an inspirational memoir, "Come As You Are" provides pragmatic guidance for those who are actively experiencing loss and grief. The reader will find techniques, strategies, and resources.

Scott has also chosen to include a month from his personal diary, raw and unedited. An often emotional, heart-wrenching journal where he explored his grief, Scott's intention is to validate the experiences of others who are grieving and to empower them to integrate grief and carry it forward in their life.

May all beings be happy. May all beings live with ease. May all beings be at peace.

• Language: English
• Publisher: G. Scott Graham
• Release date: Sep 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005999865

G. Scott Graham

Scott Graham is a career coach and business coach in Boston, Massachusetts. Scott is driven to help clients follow their "true azimuth," which is different from "true north." It means coaching clients to identify the true focus of their life -- something that speaks individually to them. It means recognizing the forces that push our lives off course and adjusting to them so you get where you want to go. It means that when you are 90 years old and you look back on your life you have a sense of pride, accomplishment, and meaning -- with no regrets.

Book preview

Come as You Are

Meditation & Grief

G. Scott Graham

True Azimuth Coaching

Copyright © 2021 G. Scott Graham

All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

Dear Brian,

I remember early on in our relationship that we talked about the kind of life we wanted together.

We compared the image of two people sitting facing each other, gazing into each other’s eyes, with the image of two people sitting next to each other holding hands and looking out at the world.

We agreed that the relationship that we would build would be the latter.

We encouraged each other to expect more.

We encouraged each other to be more.

And the result is that we both got more. More than most.

What a deep privilege it was to sit next to you all these years.

I have become more because of you.

I continue to become more because of you.

God, I miss you.

Scott

Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Foreward

Preface

No Choice

Introduction

Meditation & Grief

References

My Journey: These Past Eighteen Months

Overview

I’m Sorry

What Do You Need?

Groot and Rocket

As If Nothing Had Happened

COVID’s Over.

The Phone Works Both Ways

Useless, Skill or Bandwidth?

What Is Wrong with Counselors?

Resources

The Power of It Sucks and More

What’s in a Name?

Carry Forward

Carrying on the Vision: Willoughby Rescue

Ashes to Ashes

The Gift of COVID

References

What’s The Rush?

Grief Is a Gift

Your Chair

There Is a Story

References

Take Action

Ānāpāna & Grief

Ānāpāna-sati

Meditation Guidance

Actions

Learn More

Traditional Sources

My Practice

Vipassanā & Grief

Vipassanā-bhāvanā

Meditation Guidance

Actions

Learn More

Traditional Sources

My Practice

Mettā & Grief

Mettā-bhāvanā

Meditation Guidance

Actions

Learn More

Traditional Sources

My Practice

The Words

The Signs

My Journey: Grief Unplugged

Overview

I am writing my grief

Who was the person I used to be?

What you don’t know about me.

I know where I live.

Scent memories

Grief, who Are you?

What would it mean to offer kindness to myself in my grief?

Remembering...

Guiding Star…

Gray

What I have loved I cannot hold.

How has this loss torn up your roots...

What would it take?

Imagine yourself in a storytale...

Your world is entirely new, now.

Clarity, Learning, Surprises, Disappointments

What is it like for me to see the condition of my heart?

Grief is everywhere…

What do you wish for others in grief?

I will remember…

What does a shift in your grief mean?

Choose something ordinary

At the end of my suffering there was a door.

How would you love me through this?

When the pain shifted

Poem

The friend

The world can see the shape of you in me…

What is the story of the story you’re in?

Can I see my own self the way that love sees me?

Conclusion

Do We Grieve?

What Does This All Mean to Me?

Appendix

The Parable of the Mustard Seed

References

Civil Union

Theme Songs

Civil Union Readings

From My Brother

Pre-Ceremony Music

Resources for Those Experiencing Grief & Loss

Resources for Those Supporting Others

Resources for Meditation

Contact Scott Graham

Other Books by Scott Graham

About Scott Graham

Foreward

You yourself must strive. The Buddhas only point the way. Those meditative ones who tread the path are released from the bonds of Mara.

(From the Dhammapada)

Welcome to Scott’s latest book, Come As You Are.  This book is about Scott’s loss of his husband in a very traumatic way after a very long and loving relationship.  Scott has written this book to help someone who is grieving as well as to help people who want to support someone who is grieving.  Throughout this book, Scott shows that that grief is not some process to get through. Throughout this book, Scott provides better ways to support those experiencing grief than we so often typically do.

I had a painful experience many years ago, and I still remember it vividly. I was at a memorial service for my best friend’s Mom. I walked up to my best friend’s sister and said: Sorry for your loss.  I’m sure you miss your Mom.  She angrily responded: How would you know! and she quickly turned and walked away.  I couldn’t understand her anger at my well-intentioned statement, and my feelings were hurt! 

Over the past 18 months since Scott’s loss of his husband, as one of his closest supporters, I have come to understand better ways to deal with my own losses as well as other people’s.  We could each sit down and do a chronology of all the painful things that we can remember since as far back as we can remember, but could we deal with all that pain in one place in black and white?  We all have experienced losses, some small and some huge, some that are isolated events and some that just pile up.  It is part of the human experience.

You might be thinking that this is just another soft and fuzzy book to make people feel better. But BE ON GUARD!  In this book, Scott tells us of the loss of his husband and of his very personal grieving experience over the loss.  With complete openness, he lets us see into the raw wound in his heart and soul to help us change how we think about death and grieving, learn to relate appropriately to others who are grieving, and embrace meditation as a new way of dealing with life.  He debunks the concept of stages of grief, and he reframes grief as a gift!  He challenges us to change our thinking and our behavior! 

But also, BE ON GUARD as this book is crisply written!  It is instructive and informative, but BLUNT!  It may make you uncomfortable, and it may make you squirm!  In some sections, Scott uses profanity as would be natural for someone in the depths of despair and felt hurt by those who mistakenly think they are helping.   Profanity certainly helps him get his point across as some people won’t get it with a softer approach.  If profanity offends you, or if you don’t agree with some of the ideas in this book, read it anyway!  Take what you like and leave the rest.  We all have things to learn and change…

This book is actually a collection of essays that can be read in any order and also does not need to be read all at once. It can be used as a reference when life events arise and we are unsure of what to do or say, or how to go on facing our own grief.

One section of the book is an exact transcription of Scott’s 30-day journal which he began shortly after Brian’s death.  You might wish to read the section in which Scott narrates the events of the day that Brian’s body was found, then read the journal, but there is no right or wrong way to read this book.

There are 3 pieces in this book about meditation and how meditation could be beneficial for someone who is grieving.  They include some guidance on how to meditate, and some resources that are available to help one become a meditator.  Scott’s hope is that the reader will be motivated to develop meditation skills and establish daily practice so when grief is experienced, it can be embraced with equanimity!

Although Scott had been meditating for many years before Brian’s death, after Brian’s death he began struggling with the feeling that meditation was not helping.  A couple of months after Brian’s death, Scott and I attended a Vipassanā one-day sit, and Scott took the opportunity to consult with the leader there about his difficulty meditating during his intense grieving.  The leader responded that Scott should practice sending Mettā to Brian, and Scott could not understand this since Mettā is by tradition used to send wishes to people who are alive. The leader said that Scott’s mettā would not be for Brian’s benefit, but for Scott’s own benefit! This was the key for Scott!  This was a way to better take care of HIMSELF!

I have known Scott since the mid-nineties when I began working with him in the substance abuse treatment field.  He has been my counseling supervisor, mentor, hiking buddy, fellow Tai Chi instructor, and fellow meditator.  Shortly after I met Scott in the mid 90’s, we were introduced to meditation by our co-worker and friend Jack Isselhardt. Jack took us to our first Vipassanā meditation experience.  Over the years since, Scott and I have taken many 10-day sits, some together and some separately.  During the time I have known Scott, he has cajoled me into joining him on many adventures, meditations and otherwise, and that continues to this day.  He has been key to my development as a substance abuse professional, as a meditator, and as a person.

Scott is a lifelong learner!  Currently, besides being a writer and a meditator, Scott is a volunteer firefighter, an EMT, a business and personal coach, and an insurance agent.  He also runs a non-profit animal rescue with a campground that financially supports the rescue.   It never stops amazing me when I hear about the latest thing in which he has gotten involved! 

But most importantly, Scott is a friend in the truest sense. Scott’s husband Brian was also my friend, and I was present at their wedding.  I was with Scott on the day Brian’s body was found, and I have tried to be one of Scott’s supporters since that day. Being a friend means being there for a person, and also that the person is there for you.  Scott has taught me a lot about being a friend, and how to better be there for someone experiencing grief.  I have made some mistakes, but I have learned much from Scott and his experience of grief.  I still make mistakes sometimes with Scott and with others who are grieving. No one will ever get this very difficult thing perfectly, but we can do better! 

Scott has written this book to help others who are grieving and to help those who want to support others who are grieving to understand the best way to do that.  Being there for Scott during the last 18 months has certainly shaped my understanding of grieving.  Shortly after Brian's death, Scott suggested I read Megan Devine's book, It's OK that You’re Not OK.  Her book began my evaluation of my notions about loss and grieving.  And being one of Scott's supporters since Brian's death, including having access to his 30-day journal from the very first entry which began shortly after Brian's death, and also daily phone calls with Scott, provided me with a view of someone's thoughts and emotions that few share.

I will be a better counselor because of the experiences of the past year.  I will be more understanding of the losses in my own life, in the past and as I go into the future.  I will be more comfortable dealing with the losses of those around me.  It is getting easier to avoid mistakes.

This book is about the loss of a loved one in a sudden and traumatic way after a very long and close relationship, but the issues, emotions, and information are pertinent to all kinds of losses.  The effects of loss of a job, a marriage, a house, health, etc., can also be long term, often forever.  This book is a resource for understanding our own personal losses and perhaps to make better decisions, and for supporting others more appropriately.  It also provides a valuable life tool, meditation.

Especially in these trying times, this book is timely and compelling!  2020 and 2021 have certainly been stressful with the COVID-19 pandemic and its disruption of almost all aspects of life, national elections, world turmoil, etc.  And as the elderly population increases, the weight of loss accelerates as we see friends and loved ones go before us.  We continue to experience losses due to unhealthy lifestyles, like drug and alcohol abuse, tobacco, and obesity.

You should read this book if you are experiencing grief or if anyone in your life is experiencing grief!

If you are a counselor or therapist, then you know how important it is to do a complete assessment of a client at the onset of the relationship.  Of course, this includes a complete trauma history, but do we really know how to just be with the client and let him or her share their story?  Do we know how to be with that person and DO NO HARM! 

If you are a doctor, nurse, social worker, etc., maybe we were taught originally to just get the facts and go from there.  But studies have shown that exploring the trauma history with the client or patient has a huge impact on the patient's health and wellbeing.

How many times have you attended a memorial service and greeted the grieving person with a handshake and a nod or a pat on the back and not know what to say or how to offer help??  Or simply said Sorry for your loss and walked away?   Or maybe you have said something and not gotten the response you thought you would get?  Reading this book will give you lots to think about.  Or maybe you were the one who was grieving, and people just kept coming up to you and saying things that made you feel worse or made you feel very alone in your grief?

In closing, I must emphasize this important point, that while this book is written from the perspective of one who is grieving the death of a loved one, it should be remembered that everything in this book pertains to losses in general, and that practicing meditation whether a person is grieving or not is a powerful tool for living!

Susan Williams, 2021

Preface

Both formerly and now, it is only suffering that I describe, and the cessation of suffering.

(From the Sutta Nipata)

On December 22, 2019, I finished up a 10-day vipassanā course at Dhamma Dharā in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts. (This was my second 10-day vipassanā retreat in 2019. I have done over 20 of these, having gone to my first vipassanā meditation course in 1996.) This tradition presented via video and audio lectures by S. N. Goenka based on the instructions of Sayagyi U Ba Khin stresses the importance of equanimity:

"The yardstick to measure one’s progress on the path