Why Men Are Suspicious of Yoga And Other Very,Very Funny Stories

By Robert Isenberg

POLITICAL BOOKS WILL MAKE YOU SAD, MY BOOK WILL MAKE YOU GLAD. We all know a Robert Isenberg. He's the one who sees things a little differently than the rest of us. He's the one who makes you laugh when he tells you what he's thinking. "WHY MEN ARE SUSPICIOUS OF YOGA "encompasses fifty-five short essays that gives you

• Language: English
• Publisher: robert isenberg
• Release date: Apr 19, 2019
• ISBN: 9780578421414

Book preview

I

Language

1

Small Talk

I FOUND A two-page article in the Wall Street Journal about one word. The word is "Maybe. Who would have thought the word Maybe would get to be such a big shot in the Wall Street Journal? Maybe" recently came to prominence through Facebook. All of the many invitations I get on Facebook have the RSVPs asking for Yes,No and "Maybe. According to the article, a Maybe can be anything you want it to be. It’s really about the person interpreting the Maybe".

This made me think about the word Yet, which also rose to fame about fifteen years ago in a movie called High Fidelity. The movie starred John Cusack. His girlfriend moves out and moves in with Cusack’s upstairs neighbor. She comes back to Cusack’s apartment to get the rest of her clothes. Cusack asks her, Are you sleeping with our upstairs neighbor? She answers, "Not yet. This sends Cusack on a heart-wrenching search asking everybody he knows to define Yet". Cusack wants to know, "Does this mean it hasn’t happened Yet, but it will happen? Or does it just mean very simply not Yet?

It’s very much like "Maybe". It’s all about the interpretation. After leaving the theatre, I began to think about the word "Yet". I realized that until I saw High Fidelity, I had never given even five seconds thought to the word "Yet". Was I such a snob that a three-letter word like "Yet" was too small for me to consider?

This summer, my wife, Dana, and I were visiting some longtime friends and their nine-year-old daughter, Halley. They told a story that some of the school kids were teasing Halley by saying that her parents were old. Halley’s response was So? Brilliant!!! She didn’t need another word. "So" spoke volumes, so much so that I thought "So" should be in every politician’s arsenal. I’m intending to write to President Obama and advise him that the next time he’s attacked, he should just say, So?

So may look small, but it’s definitely a bully! "So" set its sights on "Very". For many years, people would say, "Thank you ‘VERY’ much. Now when accepting a gift or favor, just about everybody says, Thank you ‘SO’ much."

So is not only a bully; So is also an obnoxious braggart. "So" is always showing off by saying, Look what I can do that Very" can’t do. "So" took a deep breath, exhaled and became "Sooooo". "So" can be as large or as little as "So" wants. It depends on the size of the favor or the size of the gift. "Very" is on the side lines watching and waiting. "Very" is practicing Very deep breathing.

Many other two-letter words can pack a mean punch. For instance, take the word "That". Where would "That" be, without an "Oh" in front of it? It would be just "That". But now "T hat" has some significance. It has some weight when someone says Oh That!

Same with the word "Him". It has no special meaning until someone says, Oh Him. It could be an impressive "Oh Him" or a dismissive "oh him. It all depends on how one says the Oh". "Issues" are another one of those assertive bullies. We used to have Problems. The problem with Problems is that Problems are a dime a dozen. Nobody wanted to be bothered with somebody else’s Problems. Almost everybody has their own problems. "Issues" are another matter. Issues have character. "Issues" command respect. People want to know what your "Issues" are. "Issues" have just about wiped away everybody’s Problems.

Oh no, "Maybe" not. It’s no Problem.

I’ll just have to say "So?"

2

What Are Words Worth??

A WHILE AGO, I wrote a piece called SMALL TALK. I suggested that the word So may look small, but it was definitely a bully. I also said that So is an obnoxious braggart. I explained what So had done to the word very.

For many years, when accepting a favor or a gift, most people would say, Thank you very much. "So" being "So" set its sights on "Very". Now people say, "Thank you so much."

When So applied for this job, it showed off by saying, "Look what I can do that very can’t do!" So took a deep breath, exhaled and tiny So became "Sooooo".

So grinned and offered, I can be as large as you want me to be. It depends on the size of the favor or the gift you’ve received.

Now "Very" is still sitting on the sidelines practicing deep breathing.

I cannot tell you how many letters I received from both-fans of Very" and So. Fans for So were upset that I had implied So had been underhanded in getting the job.

Very fans were just very upset.

One letter read, "I read your column about ‘Very’ and ‘So’. I was FURIOUS! I’ve been using the phrase ‘Thank you very much.’ all my life and I am not about to change now. This letter was signed So what.

Another letter: "Dear Mr. Robear, don’t you think there is enough competition in the world? You didn’t have to pin ‘Very’ against ‘So’ to make your point." This letter was signed by Mr. I. Rate.

Someone just wrote, "Soooooo very troubled!!!"

It seems someone has dared to take on an even more inflammatory subject. I just discovered a book called, Banish Boring Words by Leilen Shelton. This book says the word Said is very boring.

I can only imagine the reaction of Said after it read this book. I’m sure Said would have said something like, After all the times you people have used me, it finally comes to this? I guess you’ll finally be happy when it’s all been said. Never mind that they made a pretty successful movie called, He Said, She Said.

This writer doesn’t stop with Said. She wants the reader to be roused. For instance, she cites an example, He backed away from the growling dog.

Her point is that this is a very boring sentence. Leilen’s suggestion is, Slowly and carefully, he backed away from the dog. My suggestion is that he ran like hell from the growling dog. Having had some experiences with growling dogs, the last thing I want to do is move slowly. When dogs growl, I don’t worry about being boring.

This author even takes umbrage with the word Boring. In no uncertain terms, she argues that the word "Boring" is boring. How can the word Boring, which is so devastating, be boring? What is worse than being called boring? Trust me lady, in the world of name-calling, there are very few substitutes for the word Boring.

In the article about So, I also wrote about Yet. I mentioned that few people were able to define Yet. I’m truly grateful for the hundreds of letters I received, which defined Yet. Or should I say were trying to define Yet.

"Yet"’s biggest complaint is being misunderstood.

Someone wrote, "So, is the definition of Yet ‘up until now’, or ‘at this time’?" They signed off with I’ll advise, but not yet.

3

What’s Sooo Funny?

DAN, A WHITE-COLLAR guy, goes to prison. He’s worried about fitting in, even more so as he looks around. That evening before bed check, his fellow prisoners are yelling out numbers. Whatever number is yelled out is received with bellows of laughter.

Dan asks his cellmate, Vladimir, "What’s going on?

What’s so funny?"

Vladimir says, Those numbers are all memorized jokes. We aren’t allowed to tell jokes after dinner. We yell out the numbers we have given each joke.

I really want to make some friends, says Dan. Tell me what number is the funniest joke.

Vladimir says, Try number eighty-six. That gets the biggest laughs.

Dan yells out, Eighty-six!!! Nothing!!

Dan turns to Vladimir and says, What happened? You told me that the number eighty-six always gets huge laughs.

Vladimir looks at Dan and, with a straight face, says, You just don’t know how to tell a joke!

I heard this story/joke many, many years ago. It’s still true. Maybe truer than ever.

What Republicans find funny, Democrats usually don’t and vice-versa.

For instance, Adlai Stevenson once said, When the Republicans stop lying about us, we’ll stop telling the truth about them!

Most jokes and humorous stories depend a great deal on the audience. It also matters who is telling the story or joke. For instance, President Obama is probably considered witty by his supporters. His opposition would have said the joke only applies to him.

What does occur to me is that if a regular person were to use the president’s material, it would do well to get a snicker.

Some months ago, we went to the Regent Theatre in Arlington to hear Old Jews Telling Jokes. As it happened, I had heard almost every joke. Yet in most instances, I laughed. I guess professional actors make a difference.

One of their better jokes was a son asking his mother to come over to his apartment to meet three women he was dating. He wanted his mother to guess which one he was going to marry. After the women left, the mother guessed correctly!

How did you know? exclaimed the son.

She’s the one I hated the most! frowned the mother.

I’ve noticed that telling jokes can be as competitive as Ping Pong. One man’s joke usually leads to another man’s joke. What is needed is a laugh meter.

Then there is the subject of comedians. Who is funny? Who is not! Some might find a comedian like Richard Pryor brilliant. I know I did. He was even able to make a heart attack funny. He did this by having his heart wrestle him to the ground, screaming, I told you not to eat that bacon!!

Another aspect of being funny is voice. Rodney Dangerfield had the perfect voice for, My wife and I were happy for twenty years and then we met.

My wife, Dana, and I have been entertaining at senior residences for over seventeen years. I usually begin by telling the worst bad joke I know.

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? If you weren’t so fresh, we wouldn’t be in this jam!

It usually receives laughs and lots of groans. I tell this to see who is awake.

Sometimes I use one of my own lines to connect with an audience. "What is the sexiest thing one can say to their significant other? You are right, dear!" This usually receives knowing smiles and laughter.

I remember one of Woody Allen’s classic stand-ups was that his wife was very immature. She was constantly trying to sink his tub toys. I was in a class in New York City with Woody Allen’s first mother-in law. She insisted that Woody was not funny!! I wondered if she had been an accomplice in sinking Woody’s rubber ducks.

Well!? Do you know how to tell a joke?

4

Forever and Ever

I MET HER at a Dairy Queen. The truth is, it wasn’t really a Dairy Queen. It was a Dairy King, or maybe it was a Dairy Witch. Who cares? She was sitting at one of those outdoor tables. She was wearing navy shorts and a bright orange tank top. Her hair was jet black and her eyes sparkling blue. She looked up and smiled. She nodded hello and went back to her three scoops of dairy whip surrounded by banana slices, topped with strawberries and oodles of whipped cream.

I knew instantly she was in love with me. Hadn’t she looked up from her banana split? It was obvious that she was enjoying her dish to the utmost. One only had to look at her face to sense her pleasure. Yet, she looked up at me. She was mine. I only had to say the right words.

I knew if this was a bar, I would most likely say, Do you come here often?

That would be a terrible start in a dairy bar. It might imply that she was overweight. No, no, it is best to come right out with it.

I’ve been married twice. I would like you to be my third and forever and ever wife, I said.

She looked up from her banana split, I’m concerned that I’d have to compete against your first two wives.

Oh, I hadn’t thought of that. But not to worry, if there were any sort of competition, I know you’d win easily.

How can you possibly know that? she asked.

"Easy! I’m the kind of guy who can take one