The Most Savage Love: An Unexplained Love

1

My first love

Iwas attracted to Omar from the beginning.

He seemed older than me by a few years… maybe he was twenty-one. But he looked like he had it going on; he was sexy, had a nice car, nice clothes and clean teeth. As I watched him, I imagined that I could be his girl; like one of those women on the reality TV shows who did nothing but looked good and had a man who took good care of them for doing it. Then, maybe I could create a fashion line or buy a clothing store… do something just to pass the time because I had a man who made sure I didn’t worry about a thing.

At first glance, I could tell Omar was paid just from his stance. He stood like he owned the world, and everyone around him believed it too; you could see it in their eyes. He had a low-cut fade and his neck was laced to the max with thick gold chains. He had on designer clothing that looked brand spanking new, and he was wearing some sneakers that I hadn’t even known were released yet.

Wow… I whispered the first time I saw him as I looked at him standing on the side of a building not far from my best friend, Meeki’s apartment.

I had gone a different way than normal from her house to mine so that I could avoid some girls I recognized from school.

He was fine, but I knew there was no way I could pull him. He looked like the type who went for models and video girls with big ole butts, perfect white teeth and nice clothes. Not someone like me.

Every day, I walked that way from Meeki’s house to mine, and then sat in the cut and watched Omar. I had a high school crush on someone I barely knew. I was mesmerized with everything about him; how he moved, how he wore his clothes, the way he interacted with his friends. I watched him so hard that after a few weeks, I knew his schedule like the back of my hand. The more I watched him, the more I was intrigued by the type of man he was and how he operated and made moves like he did. Everyone seemed to respect him. He always seemed like he was just chilling on the block, but I had long ago learned to figure people out by watching them, and I knew better.

Omar was making money moves without letting it be known that was what he was doing. I didn’t know how he was getting it done at first, but, eventually, I was on to the game because every now and then I would see the exchange of what was either dope or cash, always in large bags. He had it down to a tee, and unless you were looking for it, you wouldn’t even know it was happening.

He seemed like he was all about his money, and even though he was nice to the women who tried to get his attention, he didn’t bite. I’d watched plenty of females bounce their asses in front of him, and all they’d been able to achieve was a slight nod of his head. He had a goal, and he was focused on achieving it. I wanted to be his goal. I wanted him to be focused on me.

One day, my spot in the cut that I usually sat at to watch Omar was taken so I couldn’t sit and watch him. Instead, I walked on by toward my apartment, but dragged my feet, walking slowly and stealing glances along the way. Then I saw a woman pull up in a shiny red Corvette. She was beautiful with cocoa brown skin and high cheek bones. She walked over to him, swishing her round hips from side-to-side, showing off her tiny waist, and he smiled at her. They embraced and I felt like my heart broke for the first time. I had it bad for a man that I didn’t even know.

I didn’t realize that I’d stopped walking and was standing there staring with a look of devastation on my face until the girl turned to get back in her car, and Omar’s eyes fell on me. My face blushed red under my cocoa-colored skin. I tried to walk away, but his stare kept my feet planted firmly on the ground.

What’s your name? he said, his question stunning me to the point that I nearly jumped five feet in the air.

Uhm…

Uhm? That your name? He laughed, showing off his perfect teeth and I blushed again.

He had a roughness about him that was sexy. I started to get a feeling in my stomach and between my legs that I’d never felt before as I looked at him and tried to keep my cool.

No… my name is Juicy, I told him, and I got the reaction that normally came when I told anyone my name.

His eyes widened in shock and then he frowned a little with a smirk on his face as if he were waiting for me to tell him it was a joke.

Juicy?

I nodded. Yes, Juicy. That’s my real name.

Okay, Juicy. Do you think it’s a good idea to be all in people business like that? Watchin’ them and shit? he asked as he sat back on his all-black old school Mustang that was fully restored and clean as hell. I couldn’t help but imagine how nice it would be to sit down on the cool, leather seats.

Now, what if my girl hada got an attitude and snapped on your ass for bein’ all up in our shit? Then what? he said with a smirk.

That wasn’t your girl, I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Oh yeah? he asked with one brow raised as he peered at me. How you know that?

Because I saw you place that bag in her hand when y’all kissed. And I saw her stick the cash in your pocket with her other hand. You sold her somethin’. If she was your girl, she would’ve got it for free, I answered him with confidence.

Omar cut his eyes at the few men who stood around where we were, but not close enough to hear our conversation, before he returned his focus back to me. Crossing his arms in front of his chest, he pulled up one hand and ran a solitary finger down the thin line of his goatee as he stared at me with thin, squinted eyes without saying a word.

My breathing slowed and my lust for him grew as I watched the way he scrutinized me, but I reminded myself over and over again that he was just something to look at. Someone I could admire, but couldn’t have, so I didn’t need to get too wrapped up in him.

How long you been watchin’ me? he asked.

I looked down at my feet, embarrassed at being found out. Or was I? Maybe he was just guessing?

Just a few days… I said as I kicked dirt around with my foot, creating a ball of dust that eventually settled on the top of my filthy toes.

Tell me what you know, he said finally. His deep baritone might as well have been speaking directly to my pussy lips because they started to throb in response to his voice.

Not much, I said with a shrug. But he looked at me like he knew I was lying.

Well… I know you wear green a lot, I admitted, wrinkling up my nose like I was really reaching for something good to to tell him.

Green’s my favorite color, he said with a small laugh.

I giggled nervously when he said it and teetered from foot-to-foot, all of a sudden feeling like a little girl.

Yo, you real smart. Anybody ever told you that? he asked as he lit up a blunt and took a few puffs.

Watching him, my protective façade fell off and all I was left with was honesty. Without hesitation, I shook my head and inhaled the scent of the blueberry smoke deep into my lungs. I wanted to pull in the smoke that had been in his body, wondering if it would make me feel closer to him.

Well, you are. Come chill with a nigga for a minute, he told me as he patted the space on the hood of the car next to him. Aye, you want some?

He held out the blunt and I didn’t waste any time taking it from his fingers and popping it right between my lips to give it a try. As soon as I inhaled, mimicking what I’d seen him do, I fell into a fit of coughs. As I tried to get myself together, Omar laughed at me but didn’t do a damn thing to help.

You gotta take your time with that shit, he told me as he plucked the blunt from my fingers.

I happily gave it up.

Then he took a pull and held the smoke in his mouth. With his finger, he beckoned for me to come forward and I did slowly, my heart slamming in my chest and my skin on fire. When he pressed his lips against mine, I thought I would faint, but then all of my senses awakened when he used his tongue to pry my lips open and then shot the smoke into my open mouth.

Closing my eyes, I breathed it in like he was giving me life, and as the air filled my lungs, I became a new woman. When I opened my eyes and looked at Omar, I realized I’d fallen in love. I made up my mind that Omar would be the one I married, and I made sure to come over to that spot every day so that we could kick it and smoke on the hood of his car.

He told me he loved me, although he would often say he wasn’t ready for someone so young. When I would remind him that he was only two years older, he would just laugh and say that I needed to enjoy my life before settling down. But, in my heart, I knew all I wanted was him. I made up my mind that I would wait for him to decide to make us official.

But then he was murdered less than two months later.

Omar was popped in the middle of a run. After meeting me, he changed up his schedule to another location which he told me he did every now and then so that he wasn’t as predictable. Unfortunately, his new cash out spot landed him right in the middle of unfamiliar territory and some goon ass niggas.

He was wearing money green and I was too because it was the big pay day, and Omar said that was one thing he wasn’t going to change. I had wanted to show my loyalty to him one day, so I pulled a few dollars together from scraps I collected from my mother, Marisol, and bought some shirts so I could start wearing green when he did. Omar said he liked green on me, and surprised me by taking me shopping, filling my arms with bags of green clothes.

On the day he died, he completed a transaction right in my face, but I acted like I wasn’t paying attention. Afterwards, Omar wanted to leave, but my greedy ass just had to get some chicken and a biscuit from the Popeye’s on the corner from where we stood.

I had just handed over a twenty-dollar bill and was waiting for my change when I heard the guns popping off. I was street smart and not at all a stranger to the sound of bullets, so my movements were automatic. Dropping flat onto the floor, I hugged the ground and didn’t move. When the shots stopped, I took off running out of the Popeye’s and straight to Omar’s car, jumping directly into the passenger side. I snatched on my seatbelt and waited for Omar to pull off, but he never did.

Let’s get out of here! Didn’t you hear those—

When I looked into the driver’s seat, I peered right into Omar’s lifeless eyes. They were stretched wide in surprise, the same way they’d been when he’d taken his last breath, and his chest was covered with blood. He was gone. I felt like I wanted to vomit as I covered my mouth and tried to hold in the scream that was burning my lungs. But then it became too much and I wailed loudly, punching the steering wheel and screaming Omar’s name, hoping that it would bring him back to me.

Sirens erupted in my ears and I knew I had to go. Leaning over, I wiped my face and kissed Omar lightly on his cheek. It was still warm, and I bit my lip, fighting myself mentally as I wondered if I should stay. Shaking my head, I stepped out of the car and slammed the door behind me, then ran away.

Being Omar’s unofficial chick came with lots of perks and lots of money, and I’d almost saved up enough to escape my situation at home. I always made sure to take off all the clothes and simple jewelry that Omar had bought me before I walked into my apartment and stashed it in my secret place in my room. The same place I kept my money so that Marisol couldn’t find it. But when I got back the day that Omar was murdered, Marisol had another thing waiting for me.

I do for you, and dis what you do for me?! she yelled as soon as I walked into the house.

Marisol was Korean, but she’d been in the U.S. for over eighteen years. As long as she had been in America, she still spoke with broken English. That was the kind of woman she was, and that was the kind of woman she had raised me to be; the type who never wanted anything better for myself. She was comfortable with not understanding half the shit that people around her said because, in her mind, learning English didn’t automatically equal getting money.

But what got me is that she never even bothered to teach me Korean either. It was like she didn’t want better for herself, and she damn sure didn’t want shit for me unless it was to show me how to use my body to get the things I needed. That was the only talent she’d tried to pass on.

What are you talkin’ a… I started but my voice faded away when I looked at what was on the floor behind her.

Walking slowly into the house, I saw that all of the designer outfits that Omar had bought me were pulled out of the black duffle bag that I hid under the bed in my room. I wasn’t the least bit worried about the clothes as I was about the money and jewelry that had been in the bag with it.

What did you do with my stuff?! I yelled at her with my fists balled up at my side.

I’d never hit my mother before, but something about Omar being killed and then seeing her go through the things that he’d bought for me made me feel like the time had come.

Her lips pulled into a tight, slick grin and she folded her arms in front of her chest as she glared at me, a sickening smug expression on her face. Immediately, I saw red and I jumped right on top of her, but Marisol’s ass had been holding back on me. Not once did she ever mention, in all the time I knew her as my mother, that she knew karate.

Before I knew it, my face was planted on the floor and my body was aching after enduring the worst ass-kicking of my life. I gave about as well as I took, judging from how heavy she was breathing, but she still almost kicked the bone out of my ass.

Git up and clean your fuck ass! Marisol shouted as I tried to hold in a whimper and grimaced from the pain coming from my ribs. Someone iz coming for you bitch tonight! Git up and get ass ready to make us some mawney.

With that, Marisol left me on the dirty ass, pissy smelling tile floor of the apartment and walked away, her fists full of every single thing Omar had ever given me. Frustrated about having to stay with her and being stripped of the only person who made me feel loved, tears ran down my face. I tried to think about anything but what she was going to make me do that night and who I would have to do it with. I thought about how evil Marisol was and how she always managed to use cuss words the wrong way in a sentence, even though we lived in the hood and it wasn’t like we didn’t hear them all the time.

After my tears stopped falling, I picked myself up off the floor as the realization set in that I needed to get used to what I was and that I would be stuck with her ass for life.

The last time I fell in love, I lost him and it almost killed me.

I vowed to never love again. But