Positive Choices For A Joyful Marriage

By Paul Betters

"Positive Choices For A Joyful Marriage" focuses on how to ensure a joyful marriage and exposes many of the negative choices that lead to divorce. The extensively researched conclusions and practical insights tap into your natural sensibilities, make you laugh, shake your head in agreement, and surprise you with a joyful portrait of positive choices. You will enjoy the distinctive style that embodies a pleasant, hands-on-feel, occasional humor, and a ton of real-world wisdom.

In a conversational tone that makes you feel like you're sitting next to the author you will learn how your choices affect your marriage. You'll enjoy the commonsense philosophy that embraces loving messages and enlightens you on how to nurture a lasting romance in marriage.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jun 15, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098364953

Book preview

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Where is your life-path taking you?

This book will help you discover the smart, positive choices you need to consider for a joyful marriage and tremendous happiness. As many have said: Everything you have learned and experienced, and everything you have ever done in your life, has brought you to the present moment. Right now, are you happy? Every day? Is your spouse happy? Are the people around you happy? Do you know what brings heartfelt delight to your marriage? There are many topics covered in this book, but the general theme is one of discovering, discerning, and deliberately living a joyful and meaningful life by making positive choices to improve your marriage.

It seems as though every nation and religion has a different answer to the eternal question of How should we live our lives? Sure, life will always be a bit of a maze, a puzzle, and an enigma, but we can identify and pursue positive outcomes if we choose to. So, the question is: What do we know about how to have a joyful married life—filled with happiness?

Most people would agree that pursuing success is a sensible goal. While success covers a broad range of achievements, I believe any definition of a successful life should begin with everyday happiness. And, while career markers like money, titles, trophies, material possessions, or momentary pleasures are temporarily satisfying, they are not necessarily a life-path of or to happiness. Sure, they can appreciably add to your life, but without everyday happiness —what good are they? Worse is tying your happiness to a material possession like a painting or jewelry that can be lost—yikes! Plus, this career, money, and possession quest will limit your acts of goodness and personal growth. Okay, you need enough money to live on, but even if you are destitute, a simple attitude of being happy every day matters. Which would you rather have—an Olympic gold medal that you win once every four years, or happiness every day? Yes, both would be nice, but without everyday happiness, what good is the medal? Pop says: You really need to know what your next goal is after you reach your current goal, and what you risk losing along the way. (Pop is one of my nicknames and Pop says is used throughout the book to emphasize points.) A basic premise of this book is that the intrinsic benefits of happiness as witnessed in gratifying, meaningful relationships far outweigh the extrinsic benefits of things like being wealthy or famous.

I believe I can show you a logical life-path to a joyful marriage and significant happiness. By the way: One easy step in the right direction is to just decide to be a happy, lovable person with fabulous smiles, heartfelt gestures, and genuine laughter—rather than a sourpuss and a complaining, grouchy grump disappointed with life. Which person do you want to live with?

Almost everyone has had dreams of romantic love, marriage, and happiness. And why not? Love relationships are at the center of our happiness. Normally, we know the love we want, and we know how love is supposed to be—well, maybe. Our dreams do not provide any help with the nuts and bolts of finding, improving, and enjoying love and happiness—and the goodness that surrounds it. Nor do they explain the sincere and continued efforts required to avoid misunderstandings or to detect the miscues within a relationship. This book will help you by giving you specific actions and ideas for personal development to improve your marriage, other relationships, your love, and hopefully help you challenge and maybe change some of the cultural mandates, beliefs, and behaviors that can ruin your life.

There are multiple life-paths to love and happiness. Two of the key ingredients suggested here are simply:

Being grateful—acknowledging those who have helped you, and all that you have been blessed with.

Demonstrating deliberate acts of goodness.

When gratefulness and goodness are a part of who you are, you will make more positive choices and positive connections. Many people will prefer a life-path through a religious figure or teaching, but my argument is that any life-path must include gratefulness and acts of goodness to enjoy the happiness life has to offer.

I have identified four criteria for creating an environment where happiness can flourish.

Inner Harmony. This is an intrinsic liking of who you are and interpersonal process values of who you are becoming. It includes good physical and mental health, how you engage with life, balanced financial management, and knowing as you reach for your goals, you are focused on the process of being grateful, compassionate, and kind along the way. An important part of inner harmony is having the strength, hope, and optimism necessary to make positive choices, to cultivate a sense of self-worth in order to have the self-control to say No! to those things that compromise your values and Yes! to the positive choices that improve your life. Additionally, inner harmony requires meaningful people connections—social harmony.

Social Harmony. Having authentic involvement with awesome, loving relationships with your spouse, friends, and family. Plus, making contributions to the social infrastructure and enjoying the marketplace comfort of local retail outlets and services available.

Environmental Harmony. The physical and cultural world of where you live—residence, location, community, access to everything you need and want, freedoms, crime/safety considerations, politics, and living conditions—obviously affects what we think, believe, and subsequently act out.

Purpose Harmony. This is finding meaning, value, and fulfillment in your life. A feeling of purpose is where you are working on or being part of something that piques your interest and is personally meaningful and enjoyable. This can be doing something for family, your marriage, your career, a hobby, community service, yourself, etc. And in life and in marriage, part of your purpose is the process of being a kind, grateful, and loving person completing acts of goodness. To expand your purpose choices:

You must seek additional information about what a good purpose is.

Have an environment that will support your new purpose.

Have the will and grit to develop your purpose.

Happiness or well-being is not a single destination you can pinpoint. However, when your needs and wants of these four harmonies are sufficiently realized, marriage harmony and happiness can blossom.

There are a multitude of variables on this planet we have little to no control over, and they can certainly limit happiness. After adjusting for bad luck—culture, family, environment, genetics—virtually all of your unhappiness can be sourced from a lack of harmony in your life and especially poor relationship skills.

These harmonies are realized as we develop our awareness. Conscious awareness or awareness thinking is a key behavioral ability enabling us to grow, flourish, and adapt as a person. Four types of awareness are discussed in this book: self-awareness, social awareness, environmental awareness, and purpose awareness, but, as I will suggest many times in this book, nothing good happens without the sincere effort to prepare yourself for a life filled with happiness. Of course, without a minimum level of financial security for food, medical, and housing—happiness and harmony are extremely difficult to achieve.

For just about everyone, happiness can be accomplished regardless of their current situation, behavior, genes, and bio-chemical balance (the natural and foreign chemicals in your body). The first step is to accept personal responsibility to learn and understand what will improve your life.

As Socrates said: An unexamined life is not worth living.

Or here’s my modern, positive version:

Being curious enough to examine your life choices will make your life and the lives of those around you considerably more enjoyable. And nowhere is a joyful, happy marriage more important than with children.

Save your Marriage—Save your Children

In the United States, about twenty-three percent of children under the age of eighteen live with one parent, and about forty percent of all first marriages end in divorce. The emotional, financial, and social costs of divorce and distressed marriages are disastrous for children, family, friends, and the world. One book is not going to solve this problem, but it is obvious we need to do a much better job.

If every engaged, cohabitating, and married couple would spend more time studying ways to improve relations, our children would be happier and better prepared for all the challenges they will face. And, it is well documented that children raised by married parents do better educationally, socially, and economically. And yes, some marriages need to end immediately for the sake of the children.

While this book will provide you with practical ways to improve your marriage and happiness, it will be of no use unless you are willing to look at who you are and who you can become.

The basic belief that positive choices can and will improve our life is essential to our well-being. Positive relationships require specific skills, but we do not have to learn all of them the hard way. The first hurdle is: How responsible are you for your next decision or non-decision? Are you in charge of your life, or are you serving the culture and your stupid-ego? (Stupid-ego is defined in this book as an exaggerated sense of self-importance; when one engages in self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed, power-hungry, revengeful, narcissistic behaviors. So there is no misunderstanding, I’ll use stupid-ego to describe and include all this negative behavior.) Pop says: Astonishing how ears and eyes can wander off when someone challenges your behavior.

This summary took six years of writing and rewriting, and months of editorial help to put it all together. I sincerely hope it will help you make Positive Choices for a Joyful Marriage.

Notes on writing style: This book is conversational and personal. I write informally as if I am addressing a good friend or a classroom of students. You may interpret certain comments, suggestions, recommendations, and opinions uncomfortably direct. Sorry, but no attempt is made to soft-pedal facts or opinions, or waste words getting to them. BTW: I also use a lot of BTWs (by the way) to make specific points.

I recommend that if you are cohabitating, engaged, or married, you and your partner read this book simultaneously—without pointing fingers!

Part I—

The End and the Beginning

Chapter 1:

How I Got Here

My separation and divorce was not just ugly, it was personally devastating. Getting divorced after over thirty years of marriage was a dreadful time for me and my family. Although my marriage had been strained for years, moving out of the house made me feel lost. Alone. Depressed. The only thing I knew for certain was that I wanted to be there every day for my youngest child: pick her and friends up from school, attend her sporting events, take her shopping—whatever she needed from me.

People tell you to move on, but move on to what? How? Fortunately, my sister’s family and some caring friends stepped up and helped me get through it. But with so many daily routines lost, moving on was difficult until I finally realized it was up to me to forge a new life. It started in a rather strange way. I was out cross-country skiing by myself late in the day. I took off on my usual trail, but soon it was near dusk so I decided to take a shorter route back. Well, going down a steep hill, my right ski got caught in a rut, and I went head-first into some saplings. At first, I did not move, even though my left shoulder was pounding and my legs were twisted. I just lay there for a minute, taking inventory as thoughts of being alone, no one knowing where I was, raced through my head. The scenario of spending the night freezing caused me to stand up. Out loud, I said I’m okay! As I slowly skied back to the car, I began to think how lucky I was and kind of smiled to myself thinking, I got this. After arriving home, I decided to have a hot chocolate, instead of my usual beer, and sat watching snowflakes tumble to the ground. Sitting there alone, I realized I was still somewhat confused and hurt by all that happened with my divorce, so I had a long discussion with myself about future plans. BTW: When you get hit with a life-shattering event like divorce, losing a loved one, or getting fired, you have a choice to learn, grow, and adapt to the new circumstances—or regress, decline, and feel sorry for yourself.

I knew I had to stop being angry, and get back out into the world. Clearly, this was my turning point, as I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, and dreaming my relationships with family and friends would stay the same. BTW: While the sadness from friends and family choosing sides and refusing to have any relationship with you diminishes, the occasional moments of sorrow—never completely end.

I had spent the last seven months alone, disengaged, and confused, just sitting in front of the TV every night with a beer or glass of wine, except for when my daughter spent the night. Finally, I got up the courage to go out to a dance club and wow, it was like visiting a foreign country. Starting over was emotionally stressful and full of uncertainty, but the first step led to the second. I was slowly moving on to a new life; however, it wasn’t until years later when I rediscovered love that I was able to completely be myself again. Twenty years have passed, and more than ever, I am exceedingly grateful for all that I have been blessed with, especially Penny, my fantastic wife.

Not wanting to fail at marriage again, I began reading extensively and spending untold hours on the Internet to help me understand how to navigate and insure a joyful marriage. As a business professional with a Masters of Business Administration degree, I took on this challenge with a pragmatic focus of: What works—and what does not work.

The daunting part of trying to understand how to have a joyful marriage was sorting through the diversity and magnitude of opinions and interpretations, from psychologists and anthropologists to philosophers. My mission was to sort out and combine what I learned from the books, research papers, personal observations, and surveys into an understandable and usable marriage guide that can help make any marriage meaningful, loving, purposeful, joyful, and lasting. My simple conclusion was that while there are obvious considerations like common interests, love, personality, and effective communication, the depth of a successful and joyful marriage is mostly determined by the daily positive choices each partner makes.

Recognizing my own faults was an illuminating part of the discovery process; yet, at the same time it was enlightening to realize how anyone can adapt and improve who they are.

How will you face the difficult changes in your life?

Part II—

Seven Key Relationship Connections for a Joyful Marriage

What is your strategy for the most

important relationship in your life?

Our most important people connections are: spouses, grandparents, parents, children, grandchildren, other relatives, and life-time friends. This part takes a close look at seven key relationship connections for a joyful marriage.

Romantic Fun

Infatuation

Romantic love

Sex

Joyful Foundation

Friendship

Companionship Love

Good-hearted Epoxy

Love

Intimacy

We all have a shopping list of desired traits for our marriage partner: loving, kind, compassionate, intelligent, humorous, good-looking, etc. Those of us wanting to continue and improve our connections and happiness develop positive and proactive strategies to hold marriages and relationships together. While there is no magical guide for a joyful marriage, there are practical and necessary interpersonal connections you need to make. And if you are interested in cultivating the necessary skills, talents, and commonsense for a joyful marriage—Surprise!—you are going to be much happier.

Infatuation, romantic love, and sex are the fun, pleasurable, and physically satisfying connections. Friendship and companionship love provide the positive foundation for a marriage to function. Intimacy and love are the long-term, epoxy glue—two working together—that enriches the marriage and keeps it thriving.

Relationships define us, enabling us to flourish, and to be happy. They make us feel special, appreciated, valued, relevant, and connected in some way. Wanting and needing meaningful relationships is in our DNA. There is no magic here—it takes measured, meaningful communication, and positive choices to develop, maintain, and enjoy relationships. Yes, there is an implied or overt strategy because ho-hum and passivity does not work.

BTW: I find it mystifying that so many couples fail to appreciate that the more you put into marriage the more you get out of marriage.

The necessary skills for a

loving, romantic relationship

must be learned.

No one is going have the knowledge and wherewithal to be perfect—or even close to perfect—in creating the romantic fun, joyful foundation, and good-hearted epoxy for a gratifying marriage. Yet, we can all learn to improve our martial relationship. Pop says: live and learn is one reality, but learning how to live is a much better, positive choice. Read on.

Are you doing the necessary learning to improve your marriage and life?

Chapter 2:

Romantic Fun

Romance is natural, but you still have to set the table.

You can be at the grocery store, online, at a party, or at a gym. It does not matter where you meet the love of your life or how the connection happens. It can be an old acquaintance, new acquaintance, or someone you just keep running into. While there are multiple approaches to initiating romance, there are times when something just naturally clicks and a romance begins. However, usually one person does something to initiate and open the door to romance, like asking to go for coffee, setting up a romantic dinner, or perhaps something more obvious like a physical connection such as dancing close or holding hands. This early romance usually involves the emotion of infatuation.

The Infatuation Haze

Infatuation often gets a bad rap, but the playful talk, dreamy looks, laughter, and nonverbal (love drunk?) cues at the beginning of infatuation, plus the obsessing, lusting, and fantasizing over someone, are heart-bursting, adrenaline-popping moments when experienced. Infatuation is your imagination and emotions at work seeking passionate love. Although infatuation feels like a perfect, magical romance, it is difficult to sort through the dreams and cognitive distortions of infatuation. The desire, passion, and intense longing to be with this person creates an irrelevance to how other people see your behavior. When infatuated, you quickly see commonalities between you and your crush, but you may not readily see the red flags, differences, consequences of your behavior, or the motives of your new dream lover. Basically, you are looking for the good, and not seeing any of the bad. You are subconsciously projecting positive illusions. There is a dazzling connection with storms of passion, and an almost constant desire to be with and please this person. On the plus side, this process temporarily transforms you into a more caring and loving person—at least for that one person.

Pop says: While our society often orders adults to be reserved and staid, when the situation, time, and place is right and safe, losing yourself in a world of delightful, silly passion is an incredible place to be.

The infatuation high. The emotions of infatuation are real and intoxicating. The predicament is caused from focusing on the sheer bliss of being with this person, but because emotions and passions are running the show, rational thoughts are on vacation. However, with a balanced life that includes other relationships (friends, family, etc.), an occasional infatuation high is fantastic fun.

Yes, infatuation is typically detached from reality. You are connecting to the way a person looks, talks, walks, and smiles. Yet, there is an innocence and naivety that makes being together (or even thinking it) full of an overwhelming excitement to the point of making lust common with infatuation. Hopefully, many of your romantic moments will reach the highs of infatuation, and you will enjoy a lovey-dovey, spark-and-tingle connection. There is no reason for adults to avoid the fun and rapture of infatuation behavior—especially when the two of you are alone—even if you have been together for a long time.

Pop asks: Where is the fun in being staid, sedate, boring, and unadventurous?

While infatuation is customarily exemplified with teenagers, it can happen at any age and at any time in a relationship when the chemistry clicks. Some adults may consider it childish to behave like totally infatuated lovers—dreaming and fantasizing, putting yourself out there, holding hands, kissing randomly, being vulnerable—even beyond silly. I disagree! The fun of infatuation—the sheer enchantment and electrifying exhilaration—is a wonderful aspect of one’s relationship. Pop says: Give me more—let the sparks fly! There are times and opportunities when you need to be spontaneous and silly rather than practical and sensible. And if you want the sparks to fly, keep lighting the candle.

The intoxicating highs and bliss of early-on infatuation can also crash in a moment—mostly because you have created an imaginary picture and unrealistic expectations (the haze) about a new person in your life. One word, joke, bad habit, or even ugly teeth can end the initial infatuation you have with someone.

BTW: Once you start looking to change the way this person does things or the clothes they wear, the infatuation is over.

With infatuation, you do not—almost cannot—see the bad in someone, and sometimes you have to get hit over the head to wake up and see the bad. Certainly, you are not looking for the undesirable traits in your new love. Yes, it is kind of like you are off on another planet, but in reality, with infatuation behavior, you are constantly priming yourself with the wonderment of another person, and making time to be with that person. They become a priority in your life. All of the excitement is translated to thoughts of I want to be with this person. The question is: Once you are married, why stop? (Friday night dates, anyone?)

Big caution: Check him out! Starting a serious relationship and moving in without thoroughly checking him out for possible problems is like buying a house without looking inside.

Clearly, a married couple has to pay attention to life issues, but when the opportunity is there—well, why not be passionate and fun-loving like an infatuated couple and have some heartfelt, racy, romantic dates?

Romantic Love Connections

"But true love is a durable fire,

In the mind ever burning,

Never sick, never old, never dead,

From itself never turning."

Sir Walter Raleigh

Romantic love is one of the great joys and wonders of life.

The main difference between early infatuation and romantic love is that with infatuation, you may know almost nothing about the person, while with romantic love there is a desire to know who you are with, their concerns, history, and dreams as you develop a basis for intimacy and trust. (BTW: Once that knowledge and trust is secure, you can keep the romance going and still have some lovely infatuated highs along way.) Another difference is that with infatuation you feel somewhat dependent—an overwhelming need for this person; whereas with mature, romantic love, you enjoy a marital synergy and togetherness, but you are still an autonomous person focused on moving forward without fearing rejection or requiring excessive neediness.

There is a degree of fantasy, imagination, and idealization present with romantic love, much like infatuation, which helps us create our unique story of jubilant enthusiasm—when it happens and later, when savoring the memory. When we choose to be romantic, we define and reintroduce ourselves to our spouses.

While there is no reason romantic love must end, it usually fades as couples get caught up and lost in the daily routines of life. A big blunder! BTW: Ignoring or avoiding the opportunity to be spontaneous is a clear sign the romance is waning. If we stop being romantic, we have probably taken our spouses for granted or gotten complacent. This begs the question: Why do so many people stop seeking a romantic connection with their spouses? Well, it is a choice—a negative choice! Certainly, as the frequency of some of the early fun and adrenaline subsides, keeping the romance alive is a positive choice requiring each spouse to plan and initiate romance. However, when one person stops, the other is usually not far behind.

Pop says: When you stop planning to have fun—the fun stops.

You need to ask yourself: Why would I want to avoid romance in my life? Then, What am I doing to put more romance in my life? Because you cannot score romantic points playing defense; rather than waiting, you should be assertive and go on offense to keep the romance going.

BTW: Romantic love is so much more than just a prelude or primordial game to copulate.

Still a Mystery

My romantic love awoke today . . .

though I am not certain

if I found love

or love found me

because, if my love

was always there

and I’ve always been here

how is it

I did not see the beauty

and feel the wonder

of romantic love for her . . .

until today?

One definition of romantic love is:

A personal, heart-warming connection of devotion and adoration, grounded in trust, with romantically intimate and joyful feelings of involvement and interdependence where two people are emotionally awake, present, nourished, respected, and actively enjoying the heights of passionate intimacy.

(Okay, maybe that is a little over the top—but if that is not the goal—what is?)

Actually, a look, a smile, a nod, a touch, a kiss, can express more romantic love than any dictionary definition. However, romantic love is not a 24/7 event—in fact, it is a small portion of your day. And, it is totally illogical to think you are always going to have the same romantic wants, needs, and desires at the same moment as your spouse. More importantly, do you know what your partner needs and wants in terms of both personal space and intimacy because sometimes romance is more about your spouse and sometimes it is more about you, but it is best when it is about the both of you. However, the spirit of romance is like a Ferris wheel—the only way to keep it coming around is to turn it on. Or as Pop says: Romantic love is not only knowing how your