That's Not What I Meant!: The smart, savvy guide to real communication

By Leah Sefor

What if you could learn a new way of communicating that could instantly improve all of the relationships in your life? If you are fighting with your partner, feeling disconnected from your family, getting frustrated with colleagues and experiencing misunderstandings with your friends, you need to read this book. That’s Not What I Meant! is a punchy how-to guide that will help you to be clear about your message, listen with purpose and start creating workable, win-win relationships.
 
 
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tafelberg
• Release date: May 31, 2021
• ISBN: 9780624092070

Leah Sefor

Leah Sefor is South Africa’s go-to life and relationships expert, who has been entertaining viewers with her direct advice on shows like Real Health, The Bachelor SA and The Single Wives Club SA.She is well known for being a straight-talking, take-no-prisoners coach whose work is all about what it means to be real.

Book preview

9780624089810_FC

LEAH SEFOR

That’s not what I meant!

The smart, savvy guide to real communication

Tafelberg

To my extraordinary parents, Wendy and Buster Sefor, who taught me what communication means. My sister Savannah who taught me about listening and compassion, and always finding a kinder, gentler way. My husband Barry for the unending support, love, and holding and for always holding me accountable – you are the rock in my life. My remarkable daughter Sadie, you inspire me every day – just when I think I know something, you show me a better way. I simply wouldn’t be here without my incredible family’s constant support and cheering me on and acknowledgement of my work in the world.

To all of the teachers, masters, leaders, guides, advisors, trainers, gurus and mentors who have informed my life path – the light in me honours the light in you.

To my wonderful friends – my found brothers and sisters – thank you for the coffees, the calls, the laughs, the tears, the support and calling me on my shit. But mostly, thank you for loving me and fighting for me on those days when I just couldn’t do it for myself.

To all of my clients, you inspired this book. Thank you for letting me bear witness to your incredible stories and for allowing me to learn so much from you about the human condition. Thank you for pushing me to share this information with the world so that it can make a difference. I am honoured to walk beside you in your journeys of personal transformation.

What Leah’s clients say:

‘I had been to see a number of other coaches and a therapist, and none were able to ignite within me as many transformational changes in such a short period of time. I have immense gratitude for her coaching ability and would strongly recommend Leah to anyone looking to gain a better understanding of what makes them tick and how to rewire themselves to move further along their own path.’ – Yossi Hasson, MD, Techstars

‘Leah’s unique method in tailor-made coaching was a great solution for me during my time of searching. Unassuming, receptive and highly effective. Getting real is the only way.’ – Martin Cito Otto, singer & actor

‘I feel so much better, lighter and free. After all of your insight, guidance and truth, I am feeling accomplished and fulfilled. You have made a difference in my life.’ – Sadhna Ghookal, project planner

‘There is no end to the power and wisdom of this incredible person and her astounding skills. She has an amazing ability to problem-solve, alleviate my pain and empower me with understanding. I’ve gained more from Leah in just a few sessions than I have from years of psychotherapy.’ – Lynda Jaros, business analyst

‘Leah has this ability to cut through the bullsh*t and get straight into the real stuff, getting you grounded and clear right out the gates. She offers simple, practical and workable solutions that just make sense for you to support yourself in your journey. You are in impeccable hands with Leah.’ – Graeme Hector, DJ, film, events & multimedia

‘Leah operates with absolute clarity and focus. She offers valuable, workable advice in a compassionate, yet real and honest manner. I cannot speak highly enough of Leah’s coaching.’ – Sarah Collinge, engineer

Introduction

I’ve been listening to people’s stories for more than 26 years. Stories of pain, hurt, trauma, fear, rejection, humiliation, betrayal, death and destruction. I’ve seen thousands of couples come through my doors wanting to give up on themselves and on each other, refusing to do the work needed to save their relationships. I’ve seen copious numbers of families eroded by a lack of understanding and tolerance. I’ve listened to so many people, stuck in their own righteousness, never willing to hear what anyone else had to say or to learn a new way – even if it could transform the connections in their lives. After more than two decades of this, I have one thing to say.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of people not listening to each other. Communication is not meant to be such hard damn work!

Something’s broken about the way we listen. Something’s glitching in the way we speak. Everything is getting lost in translation and it’s time to sort it out once and for all. If you are always fighting in your marriage, arguing with your kids, getting frustrated with the conversations over family lunches and feeling completely misunderstood at work, you need to read this book! Because my work … works. What I have to share comes from a lot of experience of working with the human condition and the countless success stories I’ve witnessed along the way. I’ve seen the results in everyone I’ve coached. I have no idea how to bake a cake, I can’t keep a plant alive – ever, I suck at maths and struggle to keep my office tidy. There are a lot of things I’m bad at. Communication isn’t one of them. I eat, breathe and sleep communication. It’s all I’ve done for most of my professional life, whether in the corporate world or coaching. So, maybe I could help you listen, talk and express yourself in a more workable way.

You may follow me on social media and subscribe to my ‘Real Talk’ series or ‘Get Real’ podcast, where I talk about a lot of relationship and communication issues. I’m going to expand on some of that in this book. You may have seen me on TV or heard me on the radio where I’ve spoken about many of these issues. Those conversations are going to be the basis of some of the chapters in this book. I’ve written this book to help you find a way to address all of the communication issues in your life and guide you through to the other side. The side where you speak in a way that others really hear, where you listen in a way that makes others feel understood and where communication is a channel where proper relating and connecting can happen.

It’s time to shut up and listen, really listen, to what someone else is saying. It’s time to let go of needing to be right all the time and be willing to learn something new about the way you speak and behave. It’s time to recognise that your point of view is not always right, and to learn how to really see and hear where other people are coming from, even if you don’t agree with them.

Stop being so unconscious, get real, read this book, change the way you communicate and watch how quickly your relationships transform.

Only real participants need apply.

Show up or go home.

Leah

SECTION 1

Investigating communication

CHAPTER 1: Me, Leah

CHAPTER 2: The communication conundrum

CHAPTER 3: Six communication problems

CHAPTER 4: Communication filters

CHAPTER 5: The vault

CHAPTER 1

Me, Leah

Understanding human nature and the dynamics that drive us has always fascinated me. From when I was as young as I can remember, people-watching has been one of my favourite things to do. I remember sitting in restaurants with my mom, sipping my milkshake, observing how different everyone was. Why did some smile at me and others not? Why were some so impatient and others so slow? Why did my mother compliment some store managers but shout at others? When it came to family I found it confusing that some could sit around a table and talk for hours while others barely said hello and never joined in the conversation. Why some would always give big hugs and others would flinch at the slightest touch. Why was my dad so strict about school when my mom thought it was a waste of time? Why did they seem to value different things? At school, I never understood why some teachers were so caring and others so harsh. Why were some kids so nice and others so mean? Why did the teachers at boarding school have such different rules from one another? One wanted our rooms to be neat at inspection but another pushed us to socialise and do things together. One teacher was always so strict about time and another would bring treats and chat to us all afternoon.

Humans, I decided, were weird.

When school ended, I went backpacking. Learning about different countries and cultures was one of the best experiences of my life. It opened my eyes to so much. What was interesting for me in my time of travelling was realising that, even in different cultures, with people who couldn’t speak my language, the themes of human behaviour were the same. Wherever I went, I could spot the shy ones, the vain ones, the friendly ones and the watchers. There were always the ones who mumbled to themselves, those who took forever to make a decision, strangers who made you feel instantly comfortable around them and the ones who seemed to be in charge. Slowly, over time, I realised that people weren’t actually all that different – there were a lot of commonalities among them, which intrigued me. I wanted to know why.

After travelling came work. The corporate world of bosses and colleagues and inter-office politics occupied me for more than a decade of my life. It was ten years of the most advanced course in human nature I could have done. I learnt more sitting behind a desk than any degree could have taught me. The games people played, the manipulations, dominance, subservience, hidden agendas, red tape, sabotage, corruption, betrayals, and abuse of power and position were astounding. It was the best people-watching I had ever done in my life.

Throughout this time I was also studying, learning, qualifying and growing in fields of bodywork, healing and life coaching. I was working with people in private sessions, workshops and seminars, learning more and more about human nature than any book could instruct.

For over two decades, I have been on the most profound journey of being transformed by the wave of human experience that is personal growth and development. Throughout my life of learning and experience, I have come to believe that there are systems that define our behaviour and communication. Systems that dictate how we understand the world around us. This internal understanding becomes our personal map, our way of expression, of learning, speaking, behaving and engaging with the world and the people in it. I have spent years working with thousands of people, clients, couples and corporates to come to my truth of what I believe these systems to be and I’d love to share them with you.

But first we need to have a chat about the biggest issue that affects all of the relationships in your life …

CHAPTER 2

The communication conundrum

I have spent most of my career coaching clients on how to communicate effectively with the people in their lives. But let’s be honest – if there was a definitive way of communicating that worked for everyone and got results every time, I wouldn’t be writing this book, conflicts wouldn’t exist and marriages would last. But fights endure, marriages don’t and here I am.

Like you, I learnt a lot about relationships from my life experiences. It was through my own love affairs, friendships and work associations that I saw how unworkable communication could dissolve any relationship through misunderstandings and misinterpretations. It was when I was in my twenty-fews that I realised how fundamentally different we all are, especially when it comes to intimate relationships. Dating in high school is a dog’s breakfast. No one knows what they’re doing, everyone gets hurt and we all stagger into adulthood a bit bruised from the experience. Then, in your early twenties, things get a tad more serious. You start finding someone who wants to hang out with you more and more. Maybe you move in together, get a plant, kill it and think you can do better with a cat. You host your first dinner party, you feel so grown up. You get kitchen appliances and matching linen and you have a group of friends you socialise with. You have your first big holiday together and start getting connected with each other’s families. You still have no idea who you really are – you’ve only just left university or started your first job, so it’s not really clear to you what this serious relationship thing is supposed to be about. You mimic the patterns from your parents’ behaviours and try to replicate adult relationships.

After some time, though, something starts feeling … less. An unease starts to creep in about the weirdest stuff like that clicking thing he does with his knuckles, which was not an issue at the start but has become the most annoying thing on earth to you. Or her inability to put her laundry in the hamper starts grating on your last nerve but you get really good at biting your tongue. Before you know it, you’re having fights about the most ridiculous things like who left the toothpaste lid off and why the toilet seat wasn’t put down. Pretty soon he’s being accused of spending too much time with his friends on weekends and she’s becoming an insecure nag. And still no one is talking …

This was me. I couldn’t understand how one boyfriend could be so amazing at listening to me and making me feel heard, but was so incapable of expressing his own feelings, thoughts and ideas – whereas the boyfriend after him couldn’t stop talking about himself for more than two minutes to hear what I had to say. How could one man know my moods and thoughts so intimately and always know when to put his arms around me at exactly the right moment, when another boyfriend seemed completely oblivious to the fact that I was upset or sometimes failed to notice that I was even in the same room as him? Why did one boyfriend always want to be out every night, socialising and clubbing, while another just wanted to stay home alone with me and watch movies on the couch? Why were they all so different? If I could take the parts from all of them and put them together, I’d have the perfect guy.

This is why my professional focus became about relationship and communication coaching. I could understand a couple’s frustrations with each other because I’d been there myself. By the time most couples walked into my coaching room, they were an inch away from splitting up. Sometimes they’d moved out already. They were coming to me for a desperate, last-chance intervention that could help them save those final, fragile threads holding them together. My job was to give them the tools for strengthening those bonds, or for dissolving them in a workable, non-destructive way.

At the beginning of my career, I worked with all the traditional communication techniques with couples: Speak like this, do this, mirror each other, feed back what’s being said, practise the ‘when you …, I feel …’ exercise, express desires and needs, have date nights, write letters, watch this, read this, do this.

None of it worked. Okay, some of it worked, some of the time. But long-lasting – nope. Within months they were usually back to square fuck you and not interested in trying anything new any more. I