Who’S Pulling My Strings?: How I Learned to Free the Puppet and Feel Safe to Be Me

By Mardi Kirkland

When Mardi Kirkland resigned from a corporate management career to start her own business, she told herself she was a macho woman who could accomplish anything. Suddenly instead, she was confronted with a far stronger belief about herself that threatened to sabotage her every move. While this awareness was shocking, she realized it had been running the show most of her life.
While wanting to be an authentic person, she, instead, was consumed with thinking and saying what she thought others wanted to hear. She had no clue what being authentic looked like.
Willing to do "whatever it takes," Mardi embarked on a personal journey to discover what had gotten her to this place, to heal her wounds, and create a new life based on self-love, acceptance, and joy.
"Who's Pulling My Strings" takes the reader beyond theory and lists of things to do to change your life. It shows you what it will be like to take these life-changing steps, and what to do when obstacles seem to be blocking your path.
As you travel with Mardi on her journey, you feel like she is also your companion on the expedition to your inner universe, understanding your fears, encouraging you to touch your core and find your heart. Mardi talks with you as if the two of you are sitting in your living room having an intimate conversation.
KIRKUS REVIEW
2016-12-12
A woman seeks to free herself from the lingering effects of a tumultuous past in this debut memoir.
When Kirkland confronted a change of career--from territory manager of a Fortune 100 company to beauty consultant with Mary Kay--she confided to a friend, "I can't fail...because then everyone will know I'm no good." It was a shocking revelation, and she began seeking answers that would help her achieve a sense of emotional wholeness. She first explored her childhood, during which she says her authoritarian parents taught her to fear a harsh God; she realized that this ultimately stifled her positive energy and convinced her she was "no good." She writes that these feelings led her into two failed marriages in which she felt "unloved and unlovable," and that they also motivated her to seek success as a way to cover up her insecurities. However, this book focuses less on her emotional trials and more on her recovery. Drawing on information from various workshops, books, and personal experiences, she details her coping strategies, such as studying her past and its consequences, reframing unhealthy thought processes, validating and exploring negative emotions, and learning to forgive others. One of the memoir's most appealing qualities is Kirkland's excitement as she shares successes in her healing process. The book could have been trimmed down, as it repeats many ideas in different chapters. Overall, though, it flows very easily, offering astute commentary and excellent imagery. Readers may find that not all the coping strategies resonate with them, particularly the unconventional ones, such as having conversations with different parts of oneself or considering how one's birth story affected one's later life. However, there are many insightful ideas that readers may find beneficial, such as using criticism to learn about oneself and finding compassion for wrongdoers by considering their upbringings. Although Kirkland's specific background is unique, the principles she shares are universal and worth a read.
An engaging collection of coping principles for soul-searching readers.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jun 24, 2016
• ISBN: 9781452592732

Mardi Kirkland

If graduate degrees were given in imprisonment in caring what others think of you and doing whatever it takes to become free, Mardi Kirkland would have PhDs in both subjects. A mother, grandmother, real estate agent, and life mentor, Mardi currently lives a joy-filled life in Scottsdale, Arizona.

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© 2016 Mardi Kirkland.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including p0.5 inhotocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4525-9272-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-9274-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-9273-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014902974

Balboa Press rev. date: 06/15/2016

Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 Where Am I?

Chapter 2 How Did I Get Here?

Chapter 3 What Do I Do Now That I Know?

Chapter 4 What Was I Thinking?

Chapter 5 How Does This Thought Power Work?

Chapter 6 The Truth in the Mirror

Chapter 7 Victim Or Creator?

Chapter 8 Finding The Thinker

Chapter 9 Uncovering The Big Lie

Chapter 10 What Do I Do With These Feelings?

Chapter 11 You Want Me To Feel What?!

Chapter 12 Calling Up My Courage

Chapter 13 I Feel Angry

Chapter 14 Mourning Losses

Chapter 15 What About The Shame?

Chapter 16 How Do I Heal?

Chapter 17 Why Do We Resist Change?

Chapter 18 Is It Fear Or Is It Love?

Chapter 19 The Cleanup

Chapter 20 Disarming My Critic

Chapter 21 Emotional Giant

Chapter 22 Learning To Forgive

Chapter 23 No Strings Attached!

For David and Suzanne

My motivation to share the journey

I don’t have too many vices beyond caring what other people think,

she said, but that’s a big one.

– Beyond Caring, Brian Andreas

Introduction

What you are about to read is my journey from being a proud, invested victim to becoming a grateful creator. It is the journey of a person who for much of her life didn’t even know she was living the life of a puppet, allowing anyone and everyone to pull her strings. You’ll share in the twists and turns I took along my path of self-discovery and healing -- to knowing I am free and the creator of it all. The story began in 1986, and probably will never end as long as I am living on earth in a physical body.

Sometimes I’ll be talking to you in the past tense, sometimes in the present. You’ll also find me revisiting the same issues more than once. No, I am not repeating myself unknowingly -- it’s just that I have had to deal with the same issues over and over, discovering there were more layers buried within me each time. I wish that someone had explained this to me along the way. It was disheartening when an issue I thought I had healed would come up again in my face. I would think I was sliding backwards when what was really happening was an even deeper healing of an issue. I accept now that I will forever be a work in progress.

I’ve read literally dozens of self-help books seeking for the answers that would help me figure out how to make my life happier, more prosperous, and more love-filled. By far, the books that have been the most life-changing for me are the ones where someone told a story, usually their story, and shared their healing journey.

My first draft of this book was about telling you what you needed to do to heal your life. Yet, it has never been another expert’s list of 10 things to do to improve your life that ever worked for me. What was I thinking? After a lifetime of being told what to do and how to do it, I find my resistance rises when someone tells me what I need to do. Finally, it dawned on me that if it doesn’t work for me it might not work for you either. What I want to know is what someone did to make it through when the healing journey was difficult. What did they do when they stumbled or felt stuck? When I travel on someone’s path with them it automatically ignites my own personal journey, and because I’m just reading a story, I’m not in opposition to what I might learn along the way.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me, I used to shout as a child at any other kid who made fun of me. Who did I think I was kidding? Sure, like any kid growing up I had my share of scrapes and bruises, even a broken bone – injuries to my physical body you could see that bled, scabbed over and eventually healed, disappeared and were forgotten.

I couldn’t see the wounds I received from words -- ridicule from my father, disapproval from mother, judgment from teachers and ministers, taunting from peers – I didn’t know the wounds existed, let alone know that they hadn’t healed. Then one day in mid-life something happened that made it impossible for me to deny my wounds any longer, and sent me head first into a journey of healing.

I have found the journey into the inner planes of consciousness to be a grand mystery adventure. Okay, it may not be as exciting as a James Patterson novel. However, there have been many unexpected twists and turns while playing the detective to uncover and expose the mystery of why I feared and was devastated by criticism. The journey from imprisonment to freedom will always be the most exciting journey I have ever ventured upon.

I also don’t believe this personal odyssey has just been for my own good. I believe we are all connected – a part of the One. If one of us heals it impacts the healing of us all. If sharing my journey, and what I’ve learned along the way helps you to have an easier time finding your path to freedom – it truly makes this journey even more worth it.

1

Where Am I?

Freedom at last, I thought as I walked out of my office in Southern California for the last time. For the past ten years I’d been climbing the ladder of a Fortune 100 company, feeling financially secure and successful, and at the same time unfulfilled and inhibited by corporate regime. Being the only female Territory Manager in the company (which at that time was unusual) and a well-respected rising star, I thought I was truly a woman who could do anything. Now I was going to prove it.

Two weeks earlier I had entered the office of my boss and good friend, opened my briefcase, pulled out a bottle of champagne and two glasses, announcing We’re going to celebrate. Popping the cork, filling the glasses and exclaiming, Congratulate me, I handed him my letter of resignation. I’m doing what you and I have talked about for years. I am getting out of here, and I’m going into business for myself.

Some part of me had been pushing to get me out of corporate America for a long time. I believed the stress of the job that I didn’t enjoy, and the hours I spent in traffic on LA freeways were killing me. I told myself I had to leave this meaningless rat race and find something fulfilling, or I would die – literally die. At this point my desperation was extreme, and I probably would have grabbed at any opportunity that looked halfway decent to me.

My decision was to return to my former business venture as a beauty consultant with Mary Kay Cosmetics. Prior to the confidence shattering experience of my divorce ten years earlier, I had been moderately successful. But I then decided I needed the security of a real job and a regular paycheck. Now, after ten years in the corporate world, I had an enormous ego convincing me I was destined for overnight success -- for sure I’d be driving a pink Cadillac within six months. You’ll show those people who think you’re crazy leaving your sure thing with a regular paycheck, bonuses and company car. Most especially, you’ll show your family how great you are, my ego crowed.

Three days later, beginning the first day of my new life, I felt anything but confident, let alone powerful. My first Mary Kay presentation was scheduled for that evening, and I was paralyzed, gripped by a fear I couldn’t understand. I felt petrified.

A phone conversation that afternoon irrevocably altered the course of my life. Hey, I just called to congratulate you on your bold move, my friend in New Jersey said as I answered the phone. Thanking her, I then admitted how I was feeling.

Do you remember Frank, my client/friend we had dinner with a few times when I was still living in Southern California? she replied.

Yeah, I remember Frank -- a nice guy we called a friendly cynic, I said.

Yes, well I just talked to him today for the first time in six months, she answered, and it was like talking to a different person. He told me about some kind of personal growth training he was involved with that changed his life. Why don’t you give him a call? I don’t know what it is, but I have this feeling that maybe he could help you.

I hadn’t seen or talked to Frank in three years. I didn’t know if he would recall our past meetings, but in that moment’s despair, I probably would have called anybody. I did feel a little silly calling a guy who I wasn’t sure would remember me, let alone want to listen to me talk about feeling scared to death.

Remember me? I asked hesitantly when he answered my call. He did, and I told him our mutual friend suggested I call him after telling her I was feeling terrified because of the life change I’d just made.

I just quit my job, and I’m in business for myself selling Mary Kay Cosmetics. I thought that after all my accomplishments in the corporate world, this would be the easiest thing I’ve ever done -- that I would immediately be a huge success. Instead, I feel like I can’t move. The words tumbled out rapidly, and I felt embarrassed.

When I paused, Frank asked, Well, what’s the worst that can happen?

I thought for a moment, my terror escalating. I-I could fail, I stammered.

So you fail, and then you sell your house, move to Hawaii and wait tables in a cool restaurant on the beach. It’s not a big deal.

You just don’t understand, I CAN’T FAIL. Clearly he doesn’t see this is a life and death matter. After going back and forth a few times, me repeating I can’t fail, and Frank trying to convince me it didn’t matter, Frank dropped his voice to a very soft pitch.

He gently asked, You can’t fail because?

I sat on the floor in the living room of the home I loved and was so proud to own -- a material symbol of my success I’d worked so hard to achieve. Leaning against the sofa, tears streamed from my eyes, rolling down my cheeks. I can’t fail, I almost whispered, because then everyone will know I’m no good.

I was shocked as the words tumbled out of my mouth. Shocked -- and yet at the same time I was aware of a feeling that was very familiar. In that instant I knew these were the words I had been saying to myself inside my mind my entire life. Little did I know I had lived my life up until then as a puppet – allowing anyone and everyone to pull the strings, rarely pulling my own. Only in this instant did I become aware. In a moment I went from being a woman who told herself she had everything, to knowing I was a woman who had nothing because I didn’t have me.

My journey was destined to begin whether I knew it or not. Once my truth was out in the open, the healing trek began. It wasn’t easy. Acknowledging that I believed I was no good was a pain I could hardly bear. Simultaneously, this pain was also a blessing, for it provided me with constant motivation to do whatever it took to heal myself.

No wonder it mattered so much what other people said and thought about me. When I thought of myself as unacceptable, what other choice was there but to look outside of me for validation? There was none coming from within. This is a definition for puppet that needs to be included in the dictionary.

Then there was the D word, denial. They say denial works best with the person doing the denying. I had buried the truth of what I believed, hid it from myself, and projected these beliefs on to others -- what I thought they believed and said about me. I was unaware until that moment sitting on the floor of my living room, that what I had always believed about myself was that I was no good.

2

How Did I Get Here?

How did I get this way? Where did it start? When?

When I look at where I was when my journey began, it seems sinister, almost evil. It was like a murder mystery, a whodunit, that needed unraveling to find the source. Actually, this was more true than not. Being imprisoned by concern about what others thought of me, and relying on others validation of me, kept me from being fully alive. What was inside me that was so flawed – seemingly bent on my destruction -- while on the outside I was constantly trying to prove I was good?

Or was my mind like a computer with a corrupt operating system? Something inside me was running my life without my awareness. I needed to find it and to investigate how I got this way. And if I figured out what had been choreographing my life, could I rewrite the program? Would I be able to create an operating system based on truth?

So, what is my story? My family’s critical remarks -- actually anyone’s -- seemed to have the power to cripple me. Even what I thought others were thinking about me kept me from being myself. Clearly, I wasn’t pulling my own strings, and those who were pulling them probably didn’t even know they were doing so. I believe there is one reason, and one reason only my story, or anybody’s story for that matter, is important. I needed to know where I was at the start of my journey.

Don’t let me fool you. I was in love with my story, and repeated it endlessly to anyone who was willing to listen. It was kind of like a pet I wanted to show to everyone. Yes, it got me some attention, but was it the kind of attention I wanted, that I craved?

I discovered eventually that my