Looking In and Finding Out: Diving Into the Darkness and Unraveling Who You've Been All Along

By Sarah Monares

Many people believe we are a product of our environment. That the things we go through shape and mold who we become. Sarah Monares’ compelling memoir show us that while our past certainly impacts who we are, each of us have what it takes within ourselves to positively and powerfully mold our present and our future.

Monares takes us o

• Language: English
• Publisher: Monares Collective LLC
• Release date: Oct 8, 2019
• ISBN: 9781734109825

Book preview

Introduction

It’s about time. It’s about time I’m here, I mean, writing this book. And now it’s in your hands, and you’re reading it. That’s no coincidence, I hope you know. We are both supposed to be here. Right here, right now in this space.

This book is about my life so far, but it’s also so much more. It’s taken me seven years to write. Yes, it’s a memoir of what I’ve been through, what I’ve learned, and how I’ve worked to unravel the twisted core beliefs that have kept me from moving forward in my life, but it hasn’t been written for my healing alone. I’ve written this book, put this all out there, for you as well.

These twisted core beliefs have kept me from finding and using my voice and from moving into my own greatness. They’ve also kept me from the things that are in my gut that I know I was created to be and do. So many things kept me not only from stepping into who I truly am but also from even understanding and being open to who I am.

This book is for me, and it’s for you. It’s for me because now I fully understand the power of living in my own truth. I cannot do what I feel I’m called to do while hiding any part of me. This is the final piece to becoming fully exposed. No more secrets, no more hiding. It’s the moment I step into the light.

Thank you for being a part of this with me. I’ll share some of the most traumatic, intimate, and scary parts of my life. I’ll tell you things I’m not proud of revealing. Things that kept me bound by shame for many years. Thank you for holding this space with me.

We will walk through my story together. I will tell where I’ve been, but most importantly, what I’ve learned, in hopes that you will be inspired to own your story and step out into the light in your own life.

There are moments of great sadness, and moments of great joy intertwined with each other. I can say that the joy has come from the learning, and from diving into what’s real, and learning that true healing comes from being exposed. I want to be very clear that walking through the hard stuff openly is not a ploy for sympathy. It’s a call to find the strength to walk through your hard stuff, too.

For the past thirteen years, I have worked as a counselor. I’m trained in personal growth. I live and breathe shining light in dark places. I have sat in the trenches with many people. What I know about moving forward isn’t only from my own story, it’s from the many stories I’ve been honored to be invited into as well.

One thing I know for sure is that every single one of us has a story to tell. We’ve all had hard things happen to us, even the people you think have had the perfect lives. That’s not really true. They’ve had hard times, and so have you. Even if you pretend you haven’t. You have and probably will again. Things that have hurt deeply, such as the loss of a relationship, of someone you dearly loved. Things that turn out completely different than how you had planned can hurt, including making a choice that you can’t take back. Devastating things have happened without your consent or your ability to control. Being treated badly, abuse, neglect, illness, whatever it is, we all have something.

I believe—to the center of my being—that when we take these events, and we focus on what we’ve learned rather than what has happened, we transform from being a victim to being empowered. Even in the hardest times, there is always something we can learn. Approach life as a lesson with the understanding that each and every single thing that happens gets you closer to you. We can’t fake who we are when we are hurting. These are the moments that make us real. These events crack us open. It’s these crucial times when we learn what we are made of and truly grow. We gather a sense of knowing in a way that we would never have if we hadn’t had the experience. We learn that even in spite of the pain, we will still show up. We will overcome. We will eventually thrive again.

In order to grow, we have to be open to the lesson. We have to be willing to do the work. We must understand before we can do it again differently. We can’t understand ourselves if we aren’t willing to explore the hidden places—the ones we bury down deep and try to pretend don’t exist. It is through getting familiar with what’s hiding that we can begin to embrace the event and find the lesson within.

I certainly don’t have it all figured out and still have a lot of learning to do myself, but I’m looking forward to inviting you on my own journey of looking in and finding out. I’ll walk you through what I have found, and how the inner journey has impacted the way I now live my life on the outside. It’s not a pretty story. It’s quite scary for me to share it with you, to tell the truth. I have known for many years I was supposed to write this book. I can only have faith that this is the right time. So now we get to be together in this space for much bigger reasons. For both of us and for immense growth, healing, and mutual understanding. This is what connects us as humans.

This book is for you in many ways. If you’ve ever felt lost, confused, like you’re not enough, hurt, discouraged, or just plain tired of it all, keep reading. My hope is that you will find strength in my story. That it will help you to be braver and give you permission to roar with courage so that you can also learn to embrace and share your own story. One thing I know for sure is that on this journey, we need to know we are not alone. We need other people to say things like I understand, I can’t imagine, but I’m here for you, I see you. The only way that’s possible is if we learn to speak, loud and on purpose, in spite of the shame, the fear, and the doubt that holds so many of us hostage. Moving forward and learning to speak your truth will awaken a knowing within you that simply can’t be denied. This is a powerful path, my friend. For me, and for you. One we are taking together.

Some people may be angry about this book. The complete and total fear about how my truth will impact others had me stuck for a really long time. This kept me from speaking. I am finally to a place in my life that I’m okay if my truth is not for you. My role on this Earth is no longer to please you. This is my story to tell. If you don’t like it, put the book down and walk away. It’s that simple.

I will challenge you, though. If you find a time that you feel pushed, uncomfortable, or maybe even a little angry, that is telling you something. It’s not about me. This is about you. Try to figure out what those feelings are telling you. The space between these pages is a sacred space you and I will share. Not a place to judge, but a place to find healing. A place to stand back and be curious, gather information, and allow yourself to feel supported and loved. And maybe this can bring some normality to the chaos of life. This is the kind of chaos that makes us feel like we are the only ones enveloped by it.

This is a space to take a step back and just be. We may not see eye to eye on everything, but that’s okay. Allow yourself to be curious. To fall into the unfolding of your curiosity. To release the things that don’t fit and to embrace the things that do.

I hope there are places on this journey where you can feel that you are not alone. Places where you can understand that we all experience pain. We all struggle. We all have things we’d like to keep secret. It’s truly a matter of whether we admit it or not. The things that happen to us can send us into hiding. Things we are told and the beliefs we adopt about ourselves and the world tell us there is something wrong with who we are as a person. As a result, we believe what we’re told, and we develop an external self to cope with these beliefs.

I’m talking about the façade on the outside that everyone else thinks is our reality. This creates an inconsistency between our inner and outer selves. There is a battle to keep the inner self quiet so we can perfectly package the image we are sharing with the rest of the world. I’m tired of that image. It’s like we are standing on the edge of a hole. We don’t know what’s at the bottom or even how far down it goes. It’s dark. It’s scary. Yet it’s who we have been created to be at the core, and we innately know that at the bottom is something truly great.

At some point, we have to jump in. We have to explore what is below the surface of the nice smile, the fancy clothes, and put-together image. For me, it’s only real from here on out. I’ve jumped in with both feet, and it has been one hell of a ride. I’ve decided that there will be no more pretending. I’m owning it all. I’m not holding back. And I’m just getting started. I hope you are, too!

Let’s do this together, are you ready? One, two, three…jump.

CHAPTER ONE

It’s Best to Start from the Beginning

Before we really get started, I think it’s important for you to know that I believe growth and healing follow a typical process. First, we have to come clean. We have to get it all out there. Take a look at our past, our experiences, and determine how those things have played a role in our lives. This is the format in which I have written this book. Expect a lot of coming clean in the first half. In the second half, I dive deeper into what it has all meant to me and what I believe are the most valuable lessons I’ve learned along the way. I will be very vulnerable with you. I’m asking that you give yourself permission to get vulnerable with yourself. We have to go back into the past, so we can build awareness about why we do what we do in the present. This is so we can find empathy and compassion for ourselves and others and develop new ways of thinking and being. I believe this is the way we grow and change. So while I’m diving in, I hope you are too.

∞∞∞

I was born into a picture-perfect family, or so I thought. But don’t most of us think that until we are old enough to truly understand any differently? Some people intuitively know from a young age that something isn’t right. In my case, my first memories of my childhood and family were great. We looked like a typical happy family. On the outside, there was a dad, mom, and two children. Dad was a pastor, and Mom worked outside the home. We lived on a small farm in Northern Colorado.

One of my earliest memories is when I was around three years old, and standing at the window in our living room waiting for my dad to get home. I remember being excited. There was anticipation in the air. I don’t remember who or what indicated to me to be excited, but I remember that I was. I must have been told that my dad was bringing me something for my birthday.

I look back in my mind and can see the bright-red furry couch, the 70s macramé window coverings, and animal furs and heads adorning the walls of the living room. The house was decorated based on my dad’s preferences. Looking back on this memory, I feel much older than three.

I watched out the window, and I finally saw my dad pull into a driveway that wrapped around to the back of the house. My mom whisked me outside to show me what he had brought home for me. As she carried me closer to the truck, I could see a small black pony in the back. My dad had just been at the horse auction, and the pony was my birthday present! I remember the feeling of pure happiness. I named him Licorice. I still have pictures of me sitting on the pony’s back with my dad smiling from ear to ear. It felt like the perfect life.

I was also the perfect child. I know this because I was told frequently. I was everything my mom had prayed for. God had answered her prayers by giving her a daughter down to the blonde hair and blue eyes. I was my dad’s pride and joy and his princess. That’s what he always said. My name literally means princess in Hebrew, and that was something I was also told often. I had my dad wrapped around my finger. I often heard stories about how he yelled at a store clerk for calling me a boy, for example, and how protective he was of me. I also knew I was the only one that could get him to give in when I wanted something. My mom and dad would go back and forth playfully arguing about which one of them loved me more. I felt like I was delighted in.

I was the product of their whirlwind romance. Their love for one another manifested into one little human being. I didn’t know early on that their love was something many people didn’t agree with, which was an important fact. According to their families, it wasn’t right because my dad had left his wife and five children to be with my mom. They met at the church where my dad pastored. She was eighteen years younger than him. My mom had my brother Greg when she was seventeen by another man she was no longer with. She was a single parent.

For a while, they had a secret romance. My dad moved to Colorado and then shortly after their romance was discovered, and my mom then followed him with my brother. A couple years later, I came along. There aren’t many details that I know about this time. I’ve actually avoided it most of my life because this topic upsets so many people in my family even to this day. It’s also one of the secrets that most people close to my dad or my mom didn’t want to talk about. If they