It's All About Relationships!: New Ways to Make Them Healthy and Fulfilling, at Home and at Work

By Karen L Rancourt

IT’S ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS! New Ways to Make Them Healthy and Fulfilling, at Home and at Work takes the uncertainty and thorniness out of relationships. No more being confused, or unsure about what to do, often doing something that makes a relationship even worse! This self-help book provides the skills needed to manage effectiv

• Language: English
• Publisher: Karen L. Rancourt
• Release date: Jan 31, 2019
• ISBN: 9780989627436

Karen L Rancourt

Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D., has enjoyed over 50 years of varied experience. Starting as an elementary school teacher, she went on to become a college professor, management consultant to Fortune 100 companies, career coach, and author of six books and a dozen articles. Through her publications, workshops, and seminars, Dr. Rancourt has helped thousands of professionals, parents, and grandparents make important decisions affecting their personal and professional lives and relationships. She currently writes an advice column, Ask Dr. Gramma Karen, for Mommybites.com - a national, online community offering resources, support, and education to expectant moms, young parents, and other family members. Her columns focus on the unique relationships and issues that develop between young parents, grandparents, and grandchildren, and how to resolve them. Her column also appears in GRAND Magazine. Dr. Rancourt has a B.S. degree from Boston University, and her Ph.D. from the University of Maryland. Her recreational activities include running, biking, and paddle boarding. She and her husband split their time between Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and the Jersey Shore, where they enjoy spending time with their two grandsons, other family members, and friends.

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IT’S ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS!

Copyright © 2019 by Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D.

Published by Family Links Press

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or translated in any form or by any means, digital, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or related article.

Publisher’s Note: This book is designed to provide accurate information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher and author are not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the reader should seek the services of a competent professional. This book contains website URLs that may eventually no longer be live.

To contact the author, email [e-mail]

Designed by Words by Jen (Branford, CT)

Author Photo by Anita Mitchell

Printed in the U.S.A.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019900055

ISBN: 978-0-9896274-2-9

ISBN: 978-0-9896274-3-6 (e-book)

www.karenrancourt.com

Also by Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D.

Ask Dr. Gramma Karen, Volume II, Savvy Advice to Soothe Parent-Grandparent Conflicts (2015)

Ask Dr. Gramma Karen: Helping Young Parents and Grandparents Deal with Thorny Issues (2013)

Empowered Professionals: Making a Difference (1992)

The Empowered Professional: How to be Successful in the 1990s (1990)

Yeah But, Children Need… (1978)

FOR MY HUSBAND, GARY

FIFTY-TWO YEARS, GOOD ON US!

CONTENTS

AN INVITATION TO TAKE A TEST DRIVE

What You Can Expect

The 15 Building Blocks of Relationships

Assessing the Health of a Relationship

Directions for Utilizing the Two Assessment Tools

Interpreting the Results of The Two Tools

Alert! Alert!

The Relationship Tools in Action

Reader Comments

End of the Test Drive

INTRODUCTION

Ah, Pooh. If Only.

Another Book on Relationships? Really?

Main Objective

Relationship Stories

Connie’s Relationship Story

Goals and Road Map

After All... The good life is built with good relationships.

PART I — RELATIONSHIP FUNDAMENTALS

CHAPTER ONE — ON-STAGE SELF VERSUS OFF-STAGE SELF

On-Stage Self

Off-Stage Self

Impacts of the On-Stage Self Versus Off-Stage Model

CHAPTER TWO — SECONDARY RELATIONSHIPS

The Basics of Secondary Relationships

Interactions in Secondary Relationships

Darlene’s Relationship Story

Summary

CHAPTER THREE — HAVE-TO RELATIONSHIPS

Yes, Sometimes You Just Have To

Emotional Distancing

Summary

CHAPTER FOUR — WANT-TO RELATIONSHIPS

The Basics of Want-To Relationships

Summary

CHAPTER FIVE — WHAT’S UP WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP?

Factors That Can Affect the Stability of a Relationship

Indicators of Unhealthy or Unsatisfying Relationships

Reasons Why People Stay in Unsatisfying or Unhealthy Relationships

Relationship Management Questions to Reevaluate a Relationship

Carla’s Relationship Story

CHAPTER SIX — RELATIONSHIPS IN TRANSITION

Five Possible Outcomes for Relationships in Transition

Betrayal

Lenore’s Relationship Story

PART II — THE 15 BUILDING BLOCKS OF RELATIONSHIPS

CHAPTER SEVEN — USING THE 15 BUILDING BLOCKS TO ENRICH RELATIONSHIPS

The 15 Building Blocks in a Relationship

CHAPTER EIGHT — BUILDING BLOCK #1: ACCOMMODATION

Healthy Accommodation in a Want-To Relationship

Unhealthy Accommodation in a Want-To Relationship

Accommodation in a Have-To Relationship

Eliza’s Relationship Story

CHAPTER NINE — BUILDING BLOCK #2: APPRECIATION

Appreciation in a Want-To Relationship

Appreciation in a Have-To Relationship

Leigh’s Relationship Story

CHAPTER TEN — BUILDING BLOCK #3: COMMITMENT

Types of Commitments

Commitment Betrayal

Barbara’s Relationship Story

Ronald’s Relationship Story

Commitment in a Have-To Relationship

CHAPTER ELEVEN — BUILDING BLOCK #4: COMMUNICATION

Communication Missteps in Relationships

A Framework to Minimize or Eliminate Communications Shortfalls

Clarity of Communication Before, During, and After

Communication in a Have-To Relationship

Communication in a Want-To Relationship

CHAPTER TWELVE — BUILDING BLOCK #5: DISCORD

Conflict Versus Discord

Behavioral Indications That There Is Discord

Causes of Discord

Ways Discord May Be Expressed and Addressed

Summary of Steps to Address Discord in Want-To Relationships

Yikes!

Discord in Have-To Relationships

Monique’s Relationship Story

Andrew’s Relationship Story

CHAPTER THIRTEEN — BUILDING BLOCK #6: EMPATHY

Sympathy Versus Empathy

Empathy

Empathy in Want-To Relationships

Empathic Listening

Benefits of Using Empathy

Empathic Listening Skills

Additional Examples to Illustrate Empathetic Responses

Additional Benefits of Using Empathy

CHAPTER FOURTEEN — BUILDING BLOCK #7: EXPECTATIONS

A Workplace-Related Example

A Family-Related Example

A Friendship-Related Example

Closing Comments

CHAPTER FIFTEEN — BUILDING BLOCK #8: FORGIVENESS

Resentment

Understand the Resentment

A Work-Related Example

A Family-Related Example

Apologies

Different Kinds of Apologies

Additional Thoughts on Apologies

Suggested Responses After Receiving an Apology

Guidelines for Giving an Apology

CHAPTER SIXTEEN — BUILDING BLOCK #9: HONESTY

Nuances of Honesty

Lying

Six Types of Lies

Manny Goes for Revenge

Additional Thoughts on Lies

Secrets

Dealing with Secrets

Additional Thoughts About Honesty

• A QUICK EXERCISE •

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN — BUILDING BLOCK #10: KINDNESS

Your Five Words

Unconditional Kindness Versus Conditional Kindness

Additional Comments about Kindness

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN — BUILDING BLOCK #11: PREDICTABILITY

Oh, That Greta!

Predictability Versus Unpredictability

Examples of Predictability Versus Unpredictability

Predictability and Unpredictability in Want-To Relationships

Predictability and Unpredictability in Have-To Relationships

CHAPTER NINETEEN — BUILDING BLOCK #12: RESPECT

Dinner Party #1: Mutual Respect in Action

Dinner Party #2: Disrespect in Action

Statements That May Indicate Disrespect

Behaviors That Indicate Disrespect

Additional Points About Respect

CHAPTER TWENTY — BUILDING BLOCK #13: SPACE

Different Strokes for Different Folks

The Potential Value of Me-Time

The Potential Downsides of Me-Time

It’s All About Balance and Fairness

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE — BUILDING BLOCK #14: TRUSTWORTHINESS

Utilitarian Trust Versus Emotional Trust

Betrayal Is Subjective and Situational

The Emotional Scars of Betrayal

Ways to Deal with Betrayal

Rebuilding Trust

Second Chances

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO — BUILDING BLOCK #15: VALUES

Values Are Valued

Individual Leaders’ Values

Business Values

Relationship Values

Personal Core Values

Examples of Values

Resources to Assess Your Values

Shared Values

Conflicting Values

Values Can Be Modified

Values Can Change

David’s Relationship Story

Values Can Be Compromised

What Do I Value?

PART III — EMPOWERING PHRASES

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE — EMPOWERING PHRASES

Useful Empowering Phrases For Various Relationship Situations

For Have-To Relationships

For Relationships in Transition

To Deal with Accommodation in Have-To Relationships

To Address Communication Bullying

To Ensure Communication Clarification

To Manage Discord in Have-To Relationships

Suggested Responses Regarding Apologies

After Receiving an Apology

To Show Care and Concern in an Apology

How to Extract Yourself from Unwanted Conversations

Change the conversation

Excuse yourself from the conversation

Use of Empowering Phrases and Your Comfort Level

AFTERWORD

Invitation to Advance Readers

Grace’s Insights

Pat’s Insights

An Update and Insights From Connie

Final Comments

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

APPENDICES

Appendix I—The 15 Building Blocks of Relationships

Appendix II—Relationship Assessment Tools

Directions for Utilizing the Assessment Tools

Assessment Tool - How I Feel Treated

Assessment Tool - How I Try to Treat the Other Person

Interpreting the Results of The Two Tools

Appendix III—What I Am Feeling

NOTES

An Invitation To Take A Test Drive

ACCOMMODATION

APPRECIATION

COMMITMENT

COMMUNICATION

DISCORD

EMPATHY

EXPECTATIONS

FORGIVENESS

HONESTY

KINDNESS

PREDICTABILITY

RESPECT

SPACE

TRUSTWORTHINES

VALUES

In the usual sequence of a self-improvement book such as this, an Introduction should now appear, from which you would expect: an overview of the book; reasons why this book is different from other books that deal with the topic of relationships; why you should consider me a content expert; and how this book has the potential to impact you in important ways.

I have written such an Introduction, but before you go any further, I want to give you a chance to test-drive this book so you can decide if it will have some value for you.

I invite you to take this book around the block, so to speak—kick the tires, see how it handles, see if it has the features you’re looking for.

WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT

When asked to describe a particular relationship you have with someone, if you say, We have a great relationship! or Well, the relationship has challenges, these responses merely provide a general sense of the situation.

All well and good, but if your goal is to strengthen and sustain your relationships, then an important first step is to understand the fundamental components. That is, you need to get under the hood and learn about the engine of a relationship: what powers it and what is affecting it, for better or worse.

THE 15 BUILDING BLOCKS OF RELATIONSHIPS

Based on my experience and research, I have compiled a list of the 15 Building Blocks of Relationships. They are the specific and required elements that comprise healthy and fulfilling relationships.

I present them in alphabetical order and not in any hierarchical order, because only you can determine the order of importance for the building blocks in any given relationship. That is, the relevancy, importance, and impact of each building block will vary from one relationship to the next, depending on your answers to these three questions:

1.What are you willing to contribute to the relationship?

2.What are you hoping to gain from the relationship?

3.What changes, if needed, are you willing to make?

THE 15 BUILDING BLOCKS IN A RELATIONSHIP

1.Accommodation (adaptation, adjustment, compromise, and concession)

2.Appreciation (thankfulness, gratitude, acknowledgment, recognition, regard, and esteem)

3.Commitment (engagement, involvement, pledges, vows, bonds, and agreements)

4.Communication (imparting thoughts, feelings, ideas, disclosing, sharing, and revealing)

5.Discord (expressing anger, frustration, and other negative feelings in non-destructive ways)

6.Empathy (vicarious experiencing of thoughts, feelings, emotions, and attitudes; understanding by putting oneself in another’s position)

7.Expectations (anticipating, high probabilities, and looking forward to certain things happening)

8.Forgiveness (absolution, reconcilement, and contrition)

9.Honesty (integrity, honor, and truthfulness; an absence of deceit and fraud)

10.Kindness (compassion, tenderness, helpfulness, consideration, and patience)

11.Predictability (anticipating in advance with some surety of what to expect and what is going to happen)

12.Respect (esteem, being held in high regard and thought highly of; listened to carefully and thoughtfully)

13.Space (having the physical and emotional latitude to do things, to be with other people, and to pursue interests alone)

14.Trustworthiness (truthfulness, reliability, and dependability; counting on someone and banking on them; believing they’ve got your back)

15.Values (holding ethics, standards, principles, moral codes, and ideologies that are honorable)

ASSESSING THE HEALTH OF A RELATIONSHIP

As informative as it may be to list these 15 building blocks, the real value is in applying them—that is, in using them to assess the extent to which each is present or lacking in order for a specific relationship to feel healthy and satisfying.

To that end, I have created two tools that assess the impact of each of the 15 building blocks in a given relationship:

1.How I Feel Treated

2.How I Try to Treat the Other Person

DIRECTIONS FOR UTILIZING THE TWO ASSESSMENT TOOLS

Here are directions for utilizing these two tools. (Copies of the tools follow the directions.)

1.Select a relationship of interest to you. This may be a relationship from your personal or professional life: one that you think is going well, one that is not going so well, or even a relationship that has ended.

2.Make a copy of both tools for the relationship you wish to assess—How I Feel Treated and How I Try to Treat the Other Person.

3.Decide what period of time to use for assessing the relationship, e.g., the last few years or the last few months, etc.

4.Use a rating scale of 1 to 5, where 1 indicates that the particular building block is Never present, 5 indicates that the particular building block is present All the Time, and 2, 3, or 4 indicate points in between.

5.Find the appropriate point on the scale.

6.Mark each statement with an arrow that shows the direction on the scale—either tending to be moving up the scale (improving) or tending to be moving down the scale (declining). If the building block seems stable and not tending to move either up or down, simply put a checkmark .

7.Complete both tools for the relationship you are assessing: How I Feel Treated and How I Try to Treat the Other Person.

Example:

Period of time being assessed: June - August 2018

   1 = Never 5 = All the Time

RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT TOOL

15 Building Blocks – How I Feel Treated

Period of time being assessed:________________    1 = Never 5 = All the Time

Full-size versions of the Assessment Tools can be found at www.karenrancourt.com. Copyright © 2019 by Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D. All rights reserved. This assessment tool may be used without permission as long as credit for its creation is attributed to Karen L. Rancourt.

RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT TOOL

15 Building Blocks – How I Try to Treat the Other Person

Period of time being assessed:________________    1 = Never 5 = All the Time

Full-size versions of the Assessment Tools can be found at www.karenrancourt.com. Copyright © 2019 by Karen L. Rancourt, Ph.D. All rights reserved. This assessment tool may be used without permission as long as credit for its creation is attributed to Karen L. Rancourt.

INTERPRETING THE RESULTS OF THE TWO TOOLS

1.You may want to combine your responses on one of the tools by using different initials, e.g., your initials for How I Try to Treat the Other Person, and the other person’s initials for How I Think I Am Treated. Include the arrows showing the tendency to go up or down the scale. This will give you a bird’s-eye view, showing how you think you are being treated and how you try to treat the other person for each building block.

2.To analyze the relationship, it might be helpful to answer these