Encouraging Mums With Hope: Light in the Darkness of Maternal Depression

By Nicki Jeffery

Are you a mother struggling to cope?

Are you constantly overwhelmed and anxious?

Do you long for better mental health to be able to care for yourself and your family?

When storms engulf you and everything is dismal and grey, Encouraging Mums With Hope: Light in the Darkness of Maternal Depression will bring y

• Language: English
• Publisher: Breath of Fresh Air Press
• Release date: Nov 18, 2018
• ISBN: 9781922135469

Book preview

DEDICATED TO

My faithful, loving husband, Nathan. Thank you for being my rock during the storm and beyond.

My beautiful sister, Michelle. I love you and look forward to being reunited with you in heaven when my time on earth is over.

My supportive friends and prayer warriors, Tash and Shell. Thank you for getting down in the trenches with me when I needed you most. I will always be grateful for your loving care, patience, and empathy.

CONTENTS

DEDICATED TO

FOREWORD

INTRODUCTION

PART ONE BODY

1. HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

Exercise

Meditation/Relaxation and Ten-Minute Breaks

Sleep

Karen’s Story

On Sleep ... with Mental Health Nurse, Jacqui Fogarty

2. FOOD AFFECTS MOOD

Quitting Sugar, Additives, and Preservatives

Blending and Juicing

Grow Your Own and Get Into Gardening

Anne’s Story

On Real Food as Medicine ... with Naturopath, Kirsten Malcolm

3. SUPPLEMENTS

Naturapath Advice and Health Food Stores

General Practitioners Specialising in Nutrient Therapy

Why Vitamins in Food May Not Be Enough

Sara’s Story

On Supplements ... with General Practitioner, Adrian Hekel

4. GPs, PSYCHIATRISTS, AND PSYCHOLOGISTS

Who’s Who? Definitions

Relationship and Trust

The Value of Medical Professionals

Bev’s Story

On Treating Maternal Mental Illness ... with Anonymous General Practitioner

5. MEDICATION AND HORMONES

Antidepressants and Mood Stabilisers

Menstrual Cycle

Oestrogen Dominance and PMS

Emma’s Story

On Medication and Menstrual Cycle ... with Naturopath and Nutritionist Jayne Sharpham

CONCLUSION—BODY

PART TWO SOUL

1. MOTHERHOOD

The Dream and the Reality

Unmet Expectations

Has Life Changed Forever?

Kelly’s Story

On Pregnancy and Childbirth . . . with Midwife Elise Ahmed

2. SELF-TALK

Thinking Styles

Childhood Thinking Patterns and Neural Pathways

What’s Going on in My Brain?

Kate’s Story

On Self-Talk . . . with Family & Relationship Counsellor, Nadia Farrah

3. GRATITUDE

Gratitude Journal

Developing a Positive Thinking Style

ACTS

Gabrielle’s Story

On Being Positive . . . with Mental Health Nurse, Jacqui Fogarty

4. YOU CAN MAKE IT

You Are Not Depression

You Can Get Through This Season

Thought—Feeling—Action

Ruth’s Story

On Panic Attacks and Anxiety . . . with Holistic Counsellor, Tony Crowe

5. LET’S BE REAL

Perfect Doesn’t Help Anyone

Conquering Self-Pity

Desperate Days

Tabitha’s Story

Deb’s Story

On Winning Between the Ears . . . with Pastor and Author, Gary Blackford

CONCLUSION—SOUL

PART THREE SPIRIT

1. MYTHS ABOUT CHRISTIANS WITH DEPRESSION

Myth 1: Your Faith is Weak

Myth 2: You Need to Pray and Read the Bible More

Myth 3: You Can’t Be Effective for the Kingdom

Kathryn’s Story

On Depression and Anxiety . . . with Reverend Ian Holder

2. YOUR TEST BECOMES YOUR TESTIMONY

Beauty From Ashes

Powerful Testimonies

A Pastor’s Testimony

Cath’s Story

On Writing Your Testimony . . . with Teacher and Author, Nicki Jeffery

3. WHAT GOD REQUIRES OF US

Micah 6:8b

He Gently Leads Those With Young

Philippians 4:6-7

Sally’s Story

On Living Beyond Postpartum Depression . . . Jerusha Clark’s Story

4. FAITH

Jesus—Our Hope

Bible Characters Who Were Depressed

A Good Word

Jill’s Story

On Relating to Depressed Bible Characters . . . with Mental Health Nurse, Teazel Kawome

5. COMING TO TERMS WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

Is Worry a Sin?

Four Years On

‘Dear Me’ Letter

Tessa’s Story

On Ongoing Mental Illness . . . with Psychologist Gabrielle Micallef

CONCLUSION—SPIRIT

PART FOUR THOUGHTS FOR HIM, BY HIM

Love Your Gal . . . with Nathan

I’m Not Going Anywhere . . . with Matthew

The Cross She Had to Bear . . . with Andrew

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

FOREWORD

Thoughts raced. I tried to wake up, but I hadn’t slept. Then life became a nightmare. I don’t know how I fell into the black pit. It seemed there was no way out. I could feel the darkness. It was tangible, close as my next breath. Paralysed by fear, I was stuck.

A storm engulfed me. Navy coloured clouds filled the sky. Thunder boomed and crashed. Streaks of lightning bolted to the ground. Everything was dismal and grey.

Joy was gone.

Day after day was bleak.

Week after week and month after month there were few sunshiny moments.

How would I ever break free from my mind, from the suffocating emotional pain?

The person I had built Nicki to be was crumbling. My image blurred like a smeared watercolour painting. It was as though I no longer existed.

Who was I?

I wasn’t a teacher.

I was a mother, but a pathetic one.

I was a wife, but not the lover and best friend I had once been to my husband.

I was a mess of hormones and chemical imbalance.

I was sick.

On the barren, wintery day I left hospital with my newborn son, the outside world looked different. After five days of being nurtured by hospital staff and visited by family and friends, I found it a shock when I hopped into the car. As we headed out of town, the hills looked brown and the tree branches were spindly and bare.

We were ‘home’ for a few weeks. I was anaemic after my labour and the extra loss of blood. I felt unwell and sore, but my body recovered.

I was perfectionistic about my son’s sleeping, feeding, and waking times. I kept meticulous records. I wanted to do things ‘right.’

People buzzed around my baby and me, packing boxes to help in our upcoming move to Coffs Harbour. Family members visited from afar, and I addressed ‘thank you’ postcards and revelled in the knowledge that I had everything I’d ever wanted – a husband, a baby, and soon, a new life at the beach.

Ten weeks after Matthew’s birth, I slipped into depression. We moved into our beach home and Nathan started a new job driving trucks, but I was overcome with sadness. We’d moved away from my family and support network, and I knew no one in our new city.

I was anxious and depressed, and this manifested in sleeplessness and racing thoughts. A new doctor was quick to put me on antidepressants and send me to a psychologist. I was embarrassed and ashamed.

What followed was a year of trying one antidepressant after another, and appointments with psychologists and psychiatrists.

After what was easily the worst year of my life, I fell pregnant with our second son, Ethan. My doctor was gravely concerned, but as can happen in pregnancy, the ‘feel good’ hormones made it a largely pleasant experience.

The slide downhill began again after Ethan’s birth. Four and a half months later, I had a psychotic episode and ended up in the mental health ward of the hospital.

It has been a long road to healing. I have a biological predisposition to depression and anxiety, but the care of health and medical practitioners, together with the friendship and support of many beautiful women, has helped me along the way.

The journey to mental wellness looks different for each of us. This book is divided into Body, Soul, and Spirit. Under each subheading, you will hear from me, other mothers, and health and/or spiritual professionals.

If you would like to take this journey with other mothers, you can join the Encouraging Mums With Hope community at www.nickijeffery.com

Disclaimer:

The information provided in this book is intended to be general information only and not specific health advice or treatment. Always seek the advice of your registered health care provider with any questions.

INTRODUCTION

Then, in an era when maternal mental illness¹ was much less understood, my grandmother, Connie, found herself in hospital. After the conception and subsequent birth of twins, Connie had a total of five children.

Suffering from psychotic depression when her baby girls were nine months old, Connie spent weeks away from the family farm.

When the medications of that time proved ineffective, the medical professionals tried Electroconvulsive Therapy (ect). The course of ect treatment helped turn Connie around, and she was able to live out most of her days in her community.

Connie was great in her own world. She loved cooking, gardening, knitting, and letter writing. She was a member of the Presbyterian Church, the pwa (Presbyterian Women’s Association), and the cwa (Country Women’s Association). Everyone in her small community knew about the depression Connie had experienced, and they respected her.

I have wonderful memories of Grandma. My family lived a couple of kilometres down the road on a neighbouring farm. Grandma often made delicious meals for us. She loved entertaining, was great at telling stories, and had a hearty laugh.

My sisters and I collected the eggs from the chook yard, and Grandma made an abundance of treats for us. We admired her pansies and potted plants, and enjoyed spending time with her and Grandad.

I didn’t know much about the inner struggle Grandma must have had. For myself, and for Grandma, there was a biological predisposition to mental illness. Depression and anxiety can be seen in our family line.

I believe Grandma lived a full life in spite of this battle. I would love to hear her telling stories and laughing heartily once more. She lived to be 81 years old, a beloved mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother.

Now, in an era where maternal mental illness is more understood (or at least acknowledged), I found myself in a mental health ward. After Ethan’s birth, I had a total of two children. Suffering from psychotic depression when Ethan was nearly five months old, an ambulance was called and I spent three and a half weeks away from home.

I remained on antipsychotics for two years, followed by an antidepressant, which also treated anxiety. Eighteen months later, under medical supervision, I had weaned off all medication. A case manager, counsellor, psychiatrist, and doctor had all seen me regularly in my recovery. Less than two years after my psychotic episode, I was well enough to teach again.

Like Grandma, I love cooking, a spot of gardening, and creative writing. I’m a member of a Presbyterian Church, and now live in a large coastal community.

One day, I hope my children and future grandchildren will have wonderful memories of me. I can make delicious meals for them, and they can enjoy spending time with me.

I’m thankful for the medication, hospitals, counsellors, psychologists, and supportive friends and family, and for a society that lessens the stigma of mental illness with each passing year. Now we can survive and live meaningful, productive lives.

Do you have a biological predisposition to mental illness? If you do, it’s okay. Every family battles something. You can make it. I did.

Today, I’m sitting on the beach, singing Still from Hillsong. I smell the tang of salty air, hear the roaring waves, and bask in the warmth of the sun. And I remember.

About eight years earlier, I was singing the same song, looking out over the same beach, and pushing my baby boy in his pram. I always sang that song because it was about the ocean, God, and me.

Today, mentally well and thriving, I sometimes wish I could meet myself at that beach eight years ago. I know what I would say to the anxious new mum who felt she was drowning in an ocean too deep and vast.

Of course, I can’t go back in time, so I’ll say it to you, beautiful mother. We can face this storm together.

Have you told anyone how you feel? Is the private storm raging within? Does anybody know?

Like a swimmer struggling in an ocean rip, is it time to put your hand up? Can you wave to the lifeguard? Do you have the strength to cry out?

You’ve been brave to carry this burden alone, but you may need professional help. It’s time to break the silence.

Make an appointment with your family doctor. It may surprise you to know that roughly one in four doctor consults concern either obesity or mental health. The onset of postnatal depression may occur at any time within the first year of your baby’s life.

In Australia, at the time of writing this book, your family doctor can provide you with a mental health care plan, which includes six sessions with a psychologist in a calendar year, and an additonal four if needed upon review. You will receive a Medicare rebate.

Although each of our stories may vary, in many ways they are the same . . .

From the moment you discover you are pregnant, your hand is on your tummy. As the weeks go by, you smile to yourself because you have a secret. You’re like a child who has hidden a chocolate in her bedroom.

You squeal with delight when you first hear baby’s heartbeat through a Doppler, or see your tiny baby on the ultrasound screen – a bean with stubs for arms and legs. Wow, a life is growing inside you.

You make the announcement – perhaps at the famous twelve-week mark – that you are with child. You might post an ultrasound image on Facebook or gather your closest family members for a meal and then blurt out your news. The celebration begins months before you hold this treasured child in your arms.

You join BabyCenter online, and start reading pregnancy books and magazines. This is the most exciting time of your life to date. You are filled with hope, anticipation, and joy.

Your pregnancy may be hard or a breeze. You may have morning sickness, but the gift at the end of the nine or ten months is worth every discomfort.

Somehow you make it through labour. Your prince or princess has arrived, and you and your baby are showered with attention, love, gifts, and kindness. Life with a newborn has begun.

But now life takes a turn, and not in the way you expected. You have poo on your hands, vomit down the back of your shirt, and sore breasts. Your baby is crying, you’re wearing pyjamas all day long, and your hairbrush is missing. Welcome to motherhood.

Your brain reels from lack of sleep and a traumatic birthing experience. It hurt! You feel pressure to cope, and cope you do . . . outwardly. Perhaps inwardly, too, but no one knows how you are doing psychologically.

These early days can progress beyond the baby blues to a lingering feeling of being overwhelmed. This can darken into despair, hopelessness, and a sense of worthlessness. The battle intensifies and it’s going to take some work for you to climb out.

Imagine landing your dream job and falling ill as you begin. With no sick leave, you must keep working, even though you don’t feel physically or emotionally able. No one else can do the job. You are on your own.

This same scenario is played out every day, whenever a new mother is diagnosed with maternal mental illness.

You may have longed for motherhood but been aghast at the reality. No one can fill your shoes. You are your baby’s mum. The responsibility is yours. Yet, due to your sickness, you are not able to function as you want.

It will take time to heal. Be kind to yourself. Remember this is a real sickness and you have started a new job. You might be ill, but you are still the best person for the job. The only one expecting perfection is you.

You are the only mum your baby has, and the way you do things is normal to your bub. He/she has no one to compare you with.

Relax and breathe.

Allow yourself time to heal.

The purpose of this book is to give hope when things seem hopeless, practical suggestions when you feel trapped in a job you don’t know how to do, and stories from other mothers to remind you that you are not alone.

Thanks for reading, beautiful mothers.

From my heart to yours.

Love, Nicki xx

---

1 For the purposes of this book, maternal mental illness refers to depression and anxiety during pregnancy and after giving birth, post-natal psychosis, bipolar, obsessive compulsive disorder and panic attacks. Although these illnesses differ from each other and also vary from one woman to the next, this book seeks primarily to encourage and inspire mothers who face mental illness in the perinatal period. For further information, please consult with your doctor or contact PANDA or Beyond Blue

PART ONE

BODY

BODY

‘Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; My eye wastes away with grief, Yes, my soul and my body!’

Psalm 31:9

Why start with Body? If you’re anything like me, you might be tempted to flick straight to the Spirit section. Of course, you’re welcome to do so. This is your book.

I was convinced a spiritual issue was driving my mental illness diagnosis. What I came to realise is that holistic treatment of Body – Soul – Spirit is needed to overcome maternal mental illness.

The Body section is about your physical body. It’s important to remember that your brain is an organ of your body. If something goes wrong there, your whole body is affected. Just because it’s a matter of the mind doesn’t mean you made it up or have chosen depression, anxiety, or another mental health struggle.

Like your brain, the stomach is an organ of your body. It’s controlled by a ‘little brain’ – a network of neurons that line your stomach and gut. Your gut also has an effect on how you behave.

Let’s begin the conversation about our bodies by delving into a healthy lifestyle, food and mood, supplements, doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists, and medication and hormones.

1. HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

‘Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.’

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Exercise

I straddle my bicycle and push the pedals forward. The rush of fresh air in my face is exhilarating. The sun warms my skin as I ride through suburbia, down to the ocean and through the bush. I am free. It was worth the effort.

You have probably heard that exercise releases endorphins – ‘feel good’ chemicals – in the brain. My husband loves cycling and rides 60 kilometres in one go. I enjoy bike riding and do less than 10 kilometres at a much slower pace.

Exercise comes in different shapes and sizes. Ask yourself, ‘Which sport do I like best? What will increase my heart rate?’

While still in hospital after postnatal psychosis, we made an exercise plan for me. The plan was to leave the kids with my husband for