Convoluted Imaginings

By Bill Goodrich

This anthology is a collection of bizarre comedy stories that offer a highly unique perspective on the human condition. This kaleidoscopic derivative from the cerebral
backburners of my labyrinthine mind will leave you in stitches.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bill Goodrich
• Release date: Mar 15, 2021

Bill Goodrich

Bill Goodrich is a United States Army veteran, and a long time personal trainer. A lifelong consumer of science fiction, and fantasy, in all of its forms, he finally jumped off the procrastination train, and wrote his first book. The aspiration here is one of igniting future imaginations of readers, just as earlier works had inspired him.The fun is in creating original characters, worlds, and situations, and hoping they become iconic.

Book preview

COMMODE KING

Amir looked around for her husband Claude. She was antsy, and getting antsier. The Sultan was the keynote speaker at the United Arab Emirate business consortium. This high level meeting would weigh heavily on world market fluctuations, not to mention the soothing massage on international relations. Amir was dressed to the nines, as was befitting for the wife of a multi billionaire. The pearl necklace alone was worth one hundred thousand dollars. She mingled with the renowned guests, most of whom inquired as to the whereabouts of her missing husband. The ballroom was an exquisite affair, with movers and shakers from industry, and politics. She saw her friend Janice Worthington, CEO of Worthington Cosmetics.

Janice, have you seen Claude?

As a matter of fact, I have. Janice rolled her eyes. He’s in the men’s room. I’ll give you three guesses what he’s doing.

Say no more Janice. Thanks. Amir rushed to the men’s room and called for Claude.

Claude, hurry. The Sultan is about to speak.

Amir? You have got to see this toilet. Come on in, there’s no one in here.

Amir looked around in embarrassment, then entered the men’s room to find Claude hovering over the commode which he had half dismantled. He was in his shirt sleeves, and his tux was hanging on the stall door.

Are you out of your mind? The keynote speaker is on in fifteen minutes, and your dissecting a toilet?

Not just any toilet Dear. This is one of mine, a Turbo Toilet 3000. It has maximum flush volume, titanium valve pins, auto deodorizers, and the fastest return flow in the industry. Aint she a beaut?

What in Hell is wrong with you? Have you no sense of decorum? We have to get out there.

Claude whipped out his cell phone. Quick, take a picture of me and the 3000. Claude knelt with his arm around the fill chamber, and smiled. A Japanese steel magnate walked in. Amir hid her face. It was Thomas Iniki, the second scheduled speaker. Claude quickly snatched the phone, pulled Amir to his side, then posed her on the other side of the toilet. He handed the phone to Mr. Iniki.

Hey Pal, take a picture of me and the Missus next to this baby. It’s the Turbo Toilet 3000, the flagship of my entire line. Claude smiled widely, reassuming his pose.

Mr. Iniki looked shocked, but was too polite to refuse the request. He snapped several pictures, and soon began to chuckle. Amir wished she could sink through the floor.Sultan Rashkamoff was an elegant speaker, who interspersed his presentation with charming anecdotes, and very concise analysis of the world market. He was a very prominent figure in middle East commerce, and investors often averred to his unique insights.

In closing, I would like to thank all of the attendees to this summit. We are the lantern carriers for the rest of the world. I am followed by Thomas Iniki, CEO of Iniki Steel. The two men exchanged warm handshakes, and Mr. Iniki began his speech.

As I look over our illustrious assemblage, I am reminded of the vast range of cultural expression, and am humbled by it. This underscores the importance of independent thinking, the cornerstone of entrepreneurism. As we look back through history, we can find many examples of genius epiphanies that have shaped our modern world. I am proud to announce my companies donation of two hundred million dollars to the International Brain Trust Foundation. As I speak, there are droves of young tinkerers, budding chemists, engineers, physicists, biologists, and the like, toiling in university laboratories, and homemade garage workshops. I am excited to think of the many wonders these young innovators will bring to the world table. This seems a perfect segue to introduce our next speaker, a gentleman I just met a few moments ago, but I am sure is no stranger to you, the founder, and CEO of TURBO TOILET INC. Claude Tourde.

Claude let out a loud WHOHOO, and scratched his crotch as he quickly made his way to the podium. He high fived Mr. Iniki, who could scarcely refrain from chuckling. Claude shifted uncomfortably in his tux, then cleared his throat to speak.

Have I got a surprise for you folks. Claude signaled the video technician to ROLL IT. The giant screen came to life with footage of his experience in the men’s room, with his lively narration. This is the Turbo Toilet 3000, the flagship of my enterprises. This baby can handle Turdzillas with no problem. Tired of waiting for the return flow? A seven second return with this little beaut. Did you over eat guacamole and Kimchi? We all know that smell, eh? My auto deodorizers make takin’ a dump the best part of your day. That’s my Missus with her arm around the 3000. Stand up and take a bow Honey."

Amir wore a head scarf as she tried to enjoy breakfast at Antonio’s, an upscale diner. Her best friend Sheila was very commiserative as usual. Sheila’s husband was the CEO of Tribiscus Foods, the second largest grocery chain in the world. Steven was the epitome of refinement and executive poise. She envied Sheila for that.

I could have sank into the floor Sheila. I was hugging a toilet for goodness sake.

How God awful. Have you ever considered counseling?

That is an idea I’ve been wondering about. I don’t know any counselors. Also I’m sure Claude would consider it a waste of time.

Doctor Shales is wonderful. He helped Steven and I after his affair with Camille. He really knows how to guide people through things. I’ll give you his number.

Did I mention that he had me stand up and take a bow after that tasteless video presentation? Oh my God. I’m afraid to go out in public anymore.

Give Doctor Shales a try Amir. He’s a miracle worker.

It was nothing short of Herculean, but Amir managed to drag Claude to an appointment with Doctor Shales. The Doctor had graduated first in his class at Harvard. He immediately made Amir feel comfortable.

Now then folks, I’ve read through the formal complaints I’m to focus on. Let me start with you Amir. What exactly about Claude has you so upset? Remember to keep it relevant and specific.

Thank you Doctor. I’ll try. Claude is obsessed with his industry. All he ever does is talk shop no matter where we are or in whose company we are in. It’s driven me to tears on many occasions.

I see. How do you respond to that Claude? There was no response. Claude? Claude, how do you respond to what Amir just said?

Aint she a beaut Doc. I only use chrome vanadium bearings you know. Sure it’s more expensive but in the long run it saves the customer money since they’re guaranteed for the life of the toilet. Claude displayed a picture of the Turbo Flush 3000 on his phone.

Uh, yes indeed. Very nice. You need to focus on the discussion we’re having here though. How do you respond to your wife’s comments?

Amir? She’s just as in love with our flagship product as I am. He showed a long series of photos.

…and that’s the return valve. That’s the secret to the ultra-fast water flow. Forget porcelain. My company developed Assatopia, the most comfortable toilet seat in the entire history of commodes. It instantly adjusts to conform to your ass and body temperature. I give full credit to my R and D department. If you compare the water savings efficiency ratings you’ll find the Turbo Flush in a class of its own. Just the other day…

Claude please, said Doctor Shales as he squeezed a stress relieving puppet until its eyes popped. Try to focus on your wife’s concerns.

Claude, please. Our marriage is in jeopardy. I need you to talk to Doctor Shales. Amir was in tears.

I am Honey. Look here Doc. Third generation Kevlar valve wires. They never break, no matter how many times you flush. All my components are state of the art. My competitors can’t even begin to keep up. The only way they stay afloat is the revenue they make on replacement part sales. Ha ha, just the other day my neighbor Tom was bitching about his handle breaking after only three months. I hate to say I told you so, but I told him so. A toilet is an investment, a solid investment in your future…

Mr. Tourde, I am beginning to share your wife’s concerns. You have a serious obsession with your industry, and it is impacting your marriage unless you pay serious attention to Amir’s concerns.

You know how much I’m worth Doc? Seven billion dollars. When I started all this I only had the beginnings of a prototype toilet in my garage. I made my living cleaning other peoples toilets. It was that job that gave me the vision to start my empire. Forbes named me the fastest rising executive three years in a row. Hey I know. Let me show you the picture a Japanese steel magnate took of Amir and me with the Turbo Flush 3000.Amir stared blankly during breakfast with Sheila. Sheila pitched another plan.

You know Amir, Claude may just be too set in his ways. Maybe you should consider divorce.

This snapped Amir back to reality. I don’t know about that Sheila. That’s pretty drastic.

Sheila sipped her coffee and looked deep in thought. Have you considered an affair then?

Sheila, really. Amir was shocked.

No, wait, hear me out. Maybe if you were caught in an affair it might wake Claude up to reality and realize he could lose you. I know it’s drastic but you’ve tried everything else. Maybe it’s time for drastic.

Amir sipped her own coffee, her mind awhirl with the details of a possible affair. I’ve been married for ten years. I’m afraid I’m a little rusty at the dating game. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

Leave it to me Dear. I know just the stud to transform Claude from a toilet obsessed weirdo into a green eyed monster willing to do anything to win you back.

Amir dressed in the short black skirt and red low cut top that Sheila picked out at Bloomies. She had to admit this outfit and the designer heels made her look like she stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine. She made a deliberate show of parading around the living room in front of Claude, who had his face buried in a copy of Flush Daily.

I’m going out tonight Claude.

HAH, look at that. Dingle and Schultz are trying to copy my valve return springs. Copyright infringement time.

I’ll be meeting some new friends tonight. Amir sat in the chair across from Claude, crossing her legs in a sexy manner.

My lawyer Steiner will take them apart. No one copies me and gets away with it.

Amir lowered her top, revealing more cleavage. One of them is a friend of Shelia’s, a man named Chad.

I can’t believe Tortelsons plungers is endorsing Dingle and Schultz. We had an exclusive contract. Well Steiner will handle that too. Speaking of plungers, my new line has a groundbreaking new material that creates suction five times better than the leading competitor. I’m calling it Plungertron.

The Ambience at Pilkingtons was designed for romantic dining. The dim lighting, violin serenades, gourmet foods,