Vikings Sack San Marino - The Trouble With Typos

By Doug Fowler

If you write about a football game where Minnesota sacked Dan Marino, can a typo cause more than just giggles? It can when mixed with a bank robbery investigation, a stubborn boss, and the Internet. All these combine to cause the arresting of a car for the crime and confused rumors of Viking attacks, among other oddities. As if that's not enough, callers from a shady company, Amalgamated Business Opportunities, find more than just crazy pranks. One of those pranks leads to minions of the mastermind behind both the company and the robbery actually donning Viking gear. Can the San Marinese investigator solve this puzzling situation despite her boss' attitude? Does a simple jokester hold the key? And, will people ever run out of jokes concerning the arresting of an automobile?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: May 13, 2015
• ISBN: 9781329134591

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Vikings Sack San Marino - The Trouble With Typos

Vikings Sack San Marino – The Trouble With Typos

By

Doug Fowler

Acknowledgements

Thanks to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for the ability to write this and other books, as well as to my friends and family for encouragement.

This was a unique challenge, because I did it for NaNoWriMo, the National Novel Writing Month. I passed 50,000 words in 17 days. So, thanks also to those on forums there who answered questions on things more difficult to research. It was amazing how the story changed a bit and came together as I wrote. Of course, my goal is always to glorify the Lord in my writing, and I have tried to do so. We humans do such silly things. However, He still brings good out of it, as I try to show here.

This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously

Copyright © 2011

ISBN #: 978-1-329-13459-1

Vikings Sack San Marino: The Trouble with Typos

Chapter One

When Adam Moreno’s wife accidentally turned the hose on him, it wasn’t the craziest thing to happen to him that day. The other things put much weirdness into motion. However, the spraying was crazy enough.

His day began with his wife Betty humming as she merrily watered the flowers. Though the Texas sun already shone hot overhead, she enjoyed being outside in the scenic beauty. Their garden was small, but still filled with color.

She was about to ask the couple’s five-year-old to do her a favor. What happened next made her forget what it was she wanted him to get.

Corey, she called toward the boy as she turned toward the front door as the boy attempted to turn cartwheels. Would you please…oh, no! The boy noticed his dad, Adam, out of the corner of his eye as the man stepped into the spray. Corey squealed with glee and was quickly awash in giggles. His mother had absently moved her entire body part of the way toward Corey. This caused the hose to rotate so that the spray landed squarely on Adam.

The shock of being soaked with cold water would have felt better had he not been ready to meet his carpool. Still, he chuckled as he stood in the doorway and his wife hastily turned off the water. Their boy’s laughter was infectious. Soon, the merriment engulfed the entire family, as a car pulled up to their house.

Hey, Adam, water you up to? Leonard Slavovsky called from the car.

Adam shook his head. The driver, Duncan McLeod, rolled his eyes. Come on, Leonard, Duncan said with a hint of a Scottish brogue. I’m sure you can come up with something better than that.

Leonard proceeded to remind Duncan his family was full of jokesters. Sure I can. Puns are just part of it, he began. My granddad was a big practical joker. When we came over to America he changed the family name from Shipley to Slavovsky because he thought it would sound more interesting. As they left the car, Duncan suddenly wished for more puns versus another of Leonard’s long-winded tales. My granddad thought it would make people laugh at the irony. Lots of immigrants shorten their names or change them to sound more American, and he picks a long, Eastern European one, he added. The story continued as Betty, having turned off the water, tried to help Adam dry off inside.

Corey invited the men in. Would you like some breakfast? he asked as they entered.

Oh, sure, lad, thank you, Duncan said, smiling pleasantly. He appreciated and enjoyed the family’s hospitality. He was glad to see their boy was already learning to act the same way. We had planned to take your daddy out before work, since it’s his birthday, but it seems he’ll need some time to change. What do you have?

The child bounced from the refrigerator to a fruit bowl to a cupboard. We have sausage. We have bananas. We have pancake mix, peas… The peas are in a can, not in, what do peas come in, a pod?

Aye, pod.

Peas come in an ipod? The child laughed loudly as he considered the silliness of that thought, leading to more chuckles from his parents as they exited the small laundry room adjacent to the kitchen.

No, really, honey, it’s okay, I can change quickly, Adam told Betty. Besides, you’ll want to add that one to the baby book now.

Leonard, meanwhile, had continued to talk intermittently, though with the latest joke he took time to laugh and finally stopped his monologue. Well, yeah, ipod has a ‘p’ in it, but not that kind of pea. Because, if it did, since there’s more than one ‘p’ in a pod, it would be an ippod. Or even an ipppppod.

You’re so good with children, Betty complimented both men, especially Leonard.  She and Adam were often unsure how to view Leonard, but they knew the important thing was that he was a nice person, even if he could be a little eccentric at times. She was so glad she could trust them. Even when not around the boy, their friends maintained the family-friendly atmosphere that was important to the couple. They all knew they could still have plenty of fun without compromising their standards.

The next couple weeks would prove how easy it was to create such mirth.

You do a fine job, too. Have you thought about doing more than freelance work for us? Duncan asked. Betty set some leftover eggs and sausage on the table for each man as they sat. Thank you, Ma’am. Once they were given silverware, they began to eat.

Well, maybe for a while; Adam and I aren’t sure if we want another child or not.

If you don’t get me a brother or sister, you could get me a dog, Corey offered.

Well, that might work out someday, Betty said cautiously as the phone rang. Adam picked it up. Remember how we said we had to make sure we had enough money?

She and Adam had discussed a number of options for expanding the family, including adoption if things really went well. However, their employer, a newspaper, was small, and they weren’t totally certain of whether their jobs would last. That was what they’d explained to Corey. They had prayed and that the Lord had seemed to tell them that – while there were times to step out in faith – this was one time when they needed to wait for some certainty first.

Corey nodded, indicating that he recalled that discussion.

That weekly column you write is really good, Leonard said. I wonder when they’ll let me do some reporting.

Duncan passed him an odd look. You mean like that time last week with the building inspector?

What happened? Corey asked, mostly just to continue conversing.

Well, it’s tough to explain, Duncan said, not sure if Corey could understand some of the concepts.

Leonard admitted, That was a silly question I asked. I like to make people laugh, though. I was a big class clown in school.

Corey was a bit stunned. He turned toward his mother, wondering if it was possible. Mommy, will they have clowns in Kindergarten?

A class clown is just a student who likes to tell jokes and be funny, Betty explained. Which is okay if that child follows all the rules and always listens to the teachers and still takes learning seriously. There’s a time for everything, remember?

Okay, Mommy. Corey, now satisfied with the answer and not really interested in the housing inspector thing – he had no idea what that was – left to play.

After a couple more minutes, Adam re-entered the kitchen. Who was on the phone? Leonard asked.

Adam knew Leonard remembered meeting his college friend, Humayun, and the nickname they’d given him. So, Adam answered, Hume.

Since the nickname was pronounced Hoom, Leonard thought Adam was correcting his grammar. This was quite plausible - Leonard got lots of help from Adam, for which he was grateful. Whom was on the phone? Leonard asked.

Right, Adam said.

Well, whom was it?

Who was it?

How should I know? Leonard inquired with a shrug.

Well, that’s why I’m telling you who was on the phone, Adam said.

Well, who was it?

When Adam replied Hume, Duncan lowered his head and shook it while chuckling slightly. Betty stifled a giggle.

I thought you said it was Who, Leonard said, still referring to the proper grammar.

Adam kept a straight face, which he was very good at, and spoke slowly. Leonard, the word you use to ask is ‘who,’ the person is ‘Hume.’

So, when do I use ‘Whom?’

Look, that’s not important; what matters is Hume called to wish me a happy birthday.

So, whom was on the phone? Leonard asked.

Exactly.

I don’t even know what I said... wait. It was Hume. I mean, I better call him Humayun right now, if Corey’s listening he’s really going to be confused.

Adam smiled as he glanced at the boy in the living room. Corey had been transfixed on the discussion, almost frozen in his play with Transformers. He heard us; I told him before I told you. It’s just like those Abbott and Costello tapes we listened to, huh? Corey shouted his agreement from the living room.

He’s just starting to get those jokes, Betty said. It’s so much fun to see his mind at work, and watch him pick up new things. She was really torn. She supposed she could eventually get a full-time job with the newspaper, but part of her wanted to remain in a free-lance role at least till he was in first grade. That was the way most of the wives did it in their community. I suppose you need to head off to work, huh, dear?

Yep. He and she kissed and exchanged I love yous, and he went into the living room to tell Corey goodbye. So long, Corey. I love you.

I love you, too, Daddy, Corey said as they hugged. Tell me all about the fun stuff you report on, Corey requested.

Adam promised that he would. He never would have dreamed how crazy it would get.

The friends entered the office of the small newspaper known as the Dallas Independent. Their editor, Edgar Jenkins, walked up to Adam with a frown moments later. Adam, I’ve got a lead on a horse show scandal I want you to cover.

Sure. Why the long face, Sir? he asked. He thought the assignment seemed a bit unusual. True, equestrian sports were still sports, and summer could be a slower time. Not only that, but with a smaller newspaper like theirs, it wasn’t uncommon to have a number of jobs. Still, it seemed unusual for them to cover horse shows in depth.

Adam raised an eyebrow as Edgar grumbled. You can keep a straight face; I’ve seen you with Leonard, the boss said. And, I’d rather not hear a lot about this one.

Why, what’s wrong, Adam asked, visibly concerned.

Oh, it’s not that bad, Edgar reassured him, sensing that he’d sounded too worried, like it might involve a family member of his, or involve someone doing harm to the horses. It was nothing like that. It’s just that there’s this story about how some judges were apparently ignoring questionable pacing at a horse show. And, well, the name… He winced. I read a blogger this morning referring to it as Gaitgate.

Adam recognized this peeve that his boss had, and expressed genuine understanding. I know that drives you nuts as a newsman.

Edgar pranced around the room a little. Don’t they know how dumb that sounds? My whole career, I’ve always told reporters, ‘Be a little creative. Don’t try to sound like everyone else.’ And, everyone puts ‘-gate’ after a scandal nowadays. He flailed a hand and turned back to Adam. It would be bad enough if ‘gate’ was a synonym for scandal, but it’s not. The only way it could be is if it was some scandal involving the Water Hotel. But they get it from Watergate. Watergate did not begin at the Water Hotel!

They need to check their facts, Adam concurred.

You’ve got that right! The editor sighed and composed himself. He was so thankful for people like Adam. Thanks for letting me vent a little. I know what you’re gonna say; you’re showing God’s love. And, I’m glad. You do a good job of that. But, please, when you write the story, use a different term than ‘Gaitgate.’

I’ll do that. Adam left.

Edgar turned to Leonard. By the way, nice job on the computer setup; Frank just started on our website’s first blog.

Thanks. I got the calendar finished, too; would you like me to cover any stories?

Nah, just handle the phones right now. We do need another person to answer them for any subscription stuff, Edgar said. They weren’t getting many calls about that. Still, he would be doing something constructive.

You’re not still mad at me for that housing interview, are you? Leonard asked.

Leonard, I told you, I wasn’t mad; I just realized that when you asked if a couple could still live in a house after it had been  torn down, you needed more experience before you could actually began to cover the news, Edgar emphasized.

Edgar really hoped that Leonard could improve. There were a few times when Edgar wondered if Leonard could do the job. Still, Leonard had performed very well in setting up the paper’s website. And, he was a very nice, friendly, and hard-working employee, even at the menial jobs which nobody else wanted.

He couldn’t put his finger on why. But, there were times Leonard just didn’t think very quickly, for some reason. In a way, Leonard reminded Edgar of Arnold Horshack, a character on the old sitcom Welcome Back, Kotter. The only one of a group of remedial students to test out of that department once, Horshack had nonetheless felt more comfortable in classes where his crazy sense of humor would be more accepted. Edgar wasn’t sure how a Horshack would have fared after graduating from high school. However, he supposed that a good case could be made for a situation much like Leonard’s. And, he wanted to be the kind, understanding boss a Horshack would need.

Actually, Sir, I was wondering if maybe they could live in all that rubble, but you’re right, that was a pretty silly question, Leonard said.

Leonard sat by one of the phones. He was one of a few people who answered them to take down subscription information, work on carrier routes, and other things. However, after a while he found himself talking to a telemarketer.

Hello, Ian Monrow said over the phone. My name is Ian. I am with Amalgamated Business Opportunities. May I speak to the person in charge of the business websites?

That would be me, Leonard said.

Ah, wonderful. Yes, we are offering to design a free website for your business.

I’ve done that, Leonard explained.

Yes, but this is a free website. I just need to confirm your information.

Leonard told Ian the information he had was correct. Then, he was transferred to a sales representative named Greg who began to speak of web hosting, which would cost money.

Are you authorized to make decisions on your phone bill? Greg asked.

No, Leonard said. He knew something seemed strange, so he quipped, I’m the owner’s imaginary friend.

Imaginary friend? Greg couldn’t help but giggle. Ian, Greg’s brother, would definitely have burst out laughing. Told to stick to a script, the brothers had also been trained by their employer, Amalgamated Business Opportunities, in numerous possible routes a conversation might go when they called the businesses on their list. However, nothing could have prepared Greg for not only hearing that some adult had an imaginary friend, but that he was in fact speaking to said imaginary friend.

Leonard laughed, too, which was a little unusual for him; he was normally very good at keeping a straight face. However, even he had to admit that his comment was really silly. After a moment, he hung up without telling Greg that he was joking. Leonard sensed the call had been some sort of scam.

Leonard got onto his computer and searched the Web for Amalgamated Business Opportunities. As he suspected, it was apparently a phony business. He searched for and found a phone number on their official-looking website. Then, he searched the Web for that number, and found that others had complained about receiving calls from it.

When the phone rang again, it was Ian calling back. He knew just what to do.

Yes, this is Ian; we got disconnected when you were talking to our sales agent.

Yes, but let me give you the name and number of the person responsible for our telephone service, Leonard said. You can call directly, and then I don’t have to try to transfer you. Ian decided that this was okay, so