The Title of Extraordinary Length - A Parody

By Doug Fowler

Alicia can't stand the horrible leaders who put on a great show with lots of glitz and glamour for everyone, but who also force kids like her sweet little sister to answer calls to the government as mimes. Not that callers like it either, but Alicia and the other questers are determined to stop the insanity. And, will a great feel-good story finally bring Cleveland a World Series? (Why is a baseball story here? See the Acknowledgements) First, though, who is the Mary Sue who will lead the battle. Is it Cat, whose parents died because of government hackers? Alicia's brothers think so, they can't stop their wacky one-upmanship to prove their love for her. Or maybe it's Evelyn, who has her own love interest and whose violin playing is ridiculed for... Okay, it really is that bad. The tyrant's decrees are ridiculous. Even going to the bathroom is unsafe for them - good thing noone does during a quest. Can they defeat the evil king, rescue Alicia's sister, and restore sanity to their world?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Aug 18, 2017
• ISBN: 9781387174652

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The Title of Extraordinary Length - A Parody

The Title of Extraordinary Length – A Parody

by

Doug Fowler

Acknowledgements

Thanks to the Lord Jesus Christ, who died for my sins and rose from the dead, and the gifts He’s given me.

Thanks to my wonderful family and the love of learning and reading they passed on to me.

Thanks to several members of my church’s youth group who encouraged me to consider this genre. YA Adventure would not have been my thing even when younger – I was reading Agatha Christie at age 9, though, so, I was quite advanced. Still, when doing a parody, you don’t have to have read stuff, you just have to understand the tropes, concepts, and so on.

Not that I know a lot of them, but I know enough to have created this wacky adventure that apparently also includes bits of a book I would have written except I never got far enough with it and the Cubs won the World sEries anyway. But, don’t tell my characters, because they keep insisting that the idea they’re in a book is just a conspiracy theory.

Thanks also to the people on the National Novel Writing Month forums for a few ideas, including the title. NaNoWriMo is great fun, and this was a 2016 winner; I did it in 2011, too.

This is a work of fiction. Names, places, characters, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously

Copyright © 2017 by Doug Fowler

ISBN #: 978-1-387-17465-2

Chapter One

The elephant was huge, and green, and wearing blue and yellow polka dot swimming trunks and a scuba mask. Yet, they all still somehow pretended it wasn't there.

Derek, don’t… Alicia whispered insistently at her younger brother.

Oof! Billy shouted. He was not the elephant, although being seventeen he ate like one sometimes.

Only half awake, Billy struggled to find his nightstand and the light that would reveal who or what had just landed on him. Wait, where are they? How could they vanish? He fumbled anxiously as their kid sister Joy ran up to them.

Has anyone seen my elephant? Joy asked. Hers was red and sported a t-shirt that said Bulldogs.

What, where… Still groping, Billy finally felt the cold, barren ground outside his sleeping bag. Quickly, he recalled their predicament, and the fact they had all slept in sleeping bags that previous night. He heard his fifteen-year-old brother, Derek, chuckling above him, so he quickly pulled Derek down. The boys began tussling playfully.

Well, since Derek woke you up… Alicia said fretfully. Her twin, Billy, and Derek got distracted so easily by their competitiveness it drove Alicia crazy at times.

Joy leaped into her arms. Alicia’s mood brightened as the six-year-old smiled her adorable smile at her. You make the best scrambled eggs, she raved.

Thanks, Alicia said tenderly, aglow in the adoration her younger sister showed for her. But, I made pancakes today.

Those were good, too, Joy responded. I saw Evelyn.

Alicia’s smile quickly flipped upside-down as she put Joy down. What does she want now? Alicia rolled her eyes. Not Evelyn. Not today.

Well, if it isn’t Miss Goody Two-Shoes. Your parents should have named you Mary Sue, you’re so perfect! Evelyn taunted as she approached them.

Alicia pointed at her face. If I was a Mary Sue, she asked pointedly, would I have this great big zit on my nose? She felt like she was the opposite of a Mary Sue. Sure, she’d heard that she could accomplish anything she put her mind to, but she felt like she kept failing so miserably.

What’s a Mary Sue? Joy asked.

That’s a character who can’t do anything wrong and who some other character falls in love with at a moment’s notice for no rational reason. She can solve any problem. It was common in fan fiction before…

She stopped abruptly. The event which had led to a major disruption in many things brought to mind something Derek had said. She looked at the boys whose competitive zeal had led them to start playing tug of war over Billy’s blanket.

Derek! Alicia called.

What? Derek asked in a strained voice as he pulled with all his might.

Are there really troops coming this way?

Yeah.

Derek suddenly let go, causing Billy – who was still pulling with all of his strength – to stumble backwards half a dozen steps. In a vain effort to steady himself, he tried to turn, only to lose his footing and drop to the ground before rolling about ten feet and bumping up against a sign.

I was scouting around when you got up. They were over that way… sorry, Billy, Derek called out as Billy stumbled and then rolled into a patch of wildflowers next to a You are Here sign. It was a royal blue triangle with red letters in a strange font. Such signs were plastered around the nation. They told people they were valuable parts of the nation, a nation King Fred had renamed HERE for His Exquisite Royal Empire soon after he’d taken over and declared himself king.

Billy rose slowly as Alicia and Derek helped him up. I feel like the straight man in a comedy routine. Of course, the king treats all his subjects like that.

Alicia nodded sympathetically. I know. Look, we need to get going if there are troops in the area.

Sure, let me grab something to eat. Billy walked over to the cooler and scarfed down the rest of the leftovers.

Mom and Dad might be back from the show, Derek suggested. They were starring in a government-devised reality show named Noble Prize. The winners received titles of nobility which let them be treated like celebrities for no reason.

We might be royalty, Joy gushed.

Alicia acknowledged this with a forlorn tone. We might end up with royal titles, she agreed. However, as much as she longed to be considered a princess, part of her was very subdued. I just remember how it used to be.

Is that how the king got elected? Did he say everyone could be on a reality show? Joy inquired.

Evelyn began to soften a bit, just so she could be sure of being able to leave with them. Sure it is; how else do you think he got 82% of the vote and all those mandates by his party to be made king? she asked matter-of-factly.

I’ve heard people say a bunch of hackers got in and changed the election results, Derek replied.

That’s never been proven, Evelyn countered.

He ran with a minor party called ‘Me First,’ Derek persisted. Their slogan was, ‘I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down,’ he spoke with frustration, wondering how Evelyn could be so ignorant.

He’s blown a lot down, too, Alicia mumbled.

Yes, many people struggled because of the king’s harsh policies. He called himself Viper I because he felt the snake was a perfect symbol for his schemes. However, everyone else called him Fred because the name sounded more like a king. He went along with it because he couldn’t find a woman willing to marry a guy who’d named himself after a snake.

Despite Ev’s taunting, Alicia chose to be kind and ask if Evelyn needed a ride back. She knew Evelyn was there by herself because of those struggles.

Evelyn accepted gratefully, but with a hint of sarcasm. You’re so easy for me to use, she scoffed. Just like all those stories you believe about computers being hacked.

I watched the election returns when I was little, Alicia spouted with her arms folded. A message on the screens behind the announcers said, ‘Har har, hardy har har.’ Evelyn was also seventeen, and while she didn’t expect Evelyn would have been watching election returns back then, she still thought it was something Evelyn should have known.

Are you calling my parents dumb because they voted for him? Evelyn asked. I’ll have you know they know lots of people who voted like him and who felt he was the most qualified candidate.

Billy held up his hands. All right, let’s stop arguing. We should head back home, he announced.

And take care of the elephant in the room, Alicia said.

My elephant isn't in a room, Joy announced, it was in my sleeping bag.

And it's in the car now, hop in. It was really a good-sized SUV, painted deep blue with a dark green lightning bolt on each door. Alicia helped pack Billy's sleeping bag as she looked tiredly at Evelyn. Is there a reason you hiked out here with just your sleeping bag, a few little things, and… that case, whatever’s in it? Alicia asked.

Evelyn brought her sleeping bag and violin case over to the SUV, packing the sleeping bag into the back but putting her violin case on the seat she planned to occupy. The others were incredulous when they saw what it was.

Evelyn why did you bring a violin on our impromptu camping trip? Derek asked.

I couldn’t have carried a piano, Evelyn said, shrugging.

Alicia smiled at Evelyn while hoping against hope that she wouldn’t actually try to play her violin on the ride home.

I hope your parents win, Alicia said graciously. Ev’s parents and Alicia’s were competing for the top spot in the show Noble Prize, since there was one such reality show in most major cities and quite a few minor ones.

I hope they do, too, Evelyn told her. She desperately tried to hide how insecure she felt.

They all hopped into the SUV and Alicia began driving; the way Billy was squirming, she could tell he really needed a bathroom and therefore would be too distracted if he drove.

Alicia really grew antsy as Evelyn pulled the violin out of its case. One sound from that and Billy might not make it.

Thankfully, they arrived quickly at a fast food restaurant. Billy zoomed inside shouting, Gotta go, where’s the… there it is! The others got out more slowly as they discussed how people in books made it without going to the restroom.

Evelyn caused the violin to emit very unnatural noises as they entered and she began to play. Alicia and the others shuddered, as did many patrons.

Do you mind putting that away? Alicia requested.

Enjoy it while it lasts. If my parents win I’ll get a contract since we’ll be royalty, and then I’ll take my talents somewhere else, Evelyn threatened, although truthfully, any talent she had for the violin had left without her. Still, she continued to speak. Someone will watch me play. And, they’ll see our family has talent. You may have a big, ugly zit on your face, along with a few other smaller ones, but everyone thinks you’re much closer to perfection, Alicia.

Alicia recognized that Evelyn’s jealousy caused Ev to try to put her down. She tried to explain to Evelyn that she, too, had needed to overcome adversity. Look, Ev, Alicia began, our family has problems, too. Even if my parents do win, it wouldn’t solve Billy’s really loud snoring, anyway, Alicia said as Billy walked out to meet them.

I do not snore, he proclaimed.

He might be right, Derek pointed out. When I woke up in the middle of the night, there was a really large 747 landing near where we were staying.

What large... Alicia looked out the restaurant window to her left and suddenly noticed a large plane had landed on the road heading in the opposite direction from whence they’d come.

All right, let’s just act really nonchalant, Billy advised, holding up his hands. We’re here as a family, let’s just have a good breakfast at a quiet, relaxing restaurant.

Just then, the 747 out the window – having been refueled - began to taxi. The engine’s roar deafened them momentarily. After that, another plane, coming in a different direction, came over the building at an altitude of only a few hundred feet before landing successfully in a field.

In between the planes, two men entered in smashing royal blue robes and golden pantsuits which made them look like hosts of a game show in the 1970s. Attention, everyone, I am the Duke of Count, one proclaimed.

And, I am the Earl of Duke. We’re sorry that the Count of Earl could not make it because of a prior engagement at a ribbon-cutting ceremony to open a museum dedicated to ear wax and belching, the other declared.

Wasn’t that Coach Mike Krzyzewski? Derek asked.

If he was the Earl of Duke, his title was not hereditary, the earl answered as he stomped his left foot. Mine is.

The duke unfurled a scroll as he spoke. We are here to issue a royal decree. He read a few words off of the scroll. Cereal. Rice. Cans of soup. He stared blankly at it before rolling it back up. Sorry, that’s my shopping list. He whipped out a cell phone and said, Oh, Squire, bring that blue satchel from the car, please.

We chose this establishment at random, as is our custom. We are here to announce the winner of the area’s most recent ‘Noble Prize’ Reality Show, the earl shouted as the second plane passed directly overhead and a youth of about twelve brought in a blue bag and handed it to the duke. Since when did they put an airport near here?

The duke rummaged through the bag as he told the earl, They want to get everyone used to the noise before they build the airport. Let’s see, Decree Replacing Nickels with 3.278-Cent Pieces, Decree Placing Bops in Bop-shoo-Bop-Shoo-Bop…

We always wondered who put the bop there, one customer said; his companions nodded.

Well, you’ll be glad to know there will now be 25% more bops, too. Ah, here it is. He unfurled the correct scroll as the camera crew sent to film the event pulled out a drum set and began to play a drum roll.

Alicia and Evelyn both squealed with anticipation over wetherh one of them would find themselves in a noble family. No matter how certain or uncertain they were of their chances, the idea of having an honorary title filled them with excitement, almost as much excitement as Joy had at seeing the lavishly dressed men and wondering if the king, Fred I, a.k.a. Fred the Viper, might even appear himself.

Everyone may now celebrate with great pomp and ceremony as we announce Baron and Baroness James and Lisa Seymour have been added to the royal ranks! After the duke said this, he and the earl pulled out kazoos and began blowing in them while flinging confetti from their pockets all around the restaurant. Balloons fell from the ceiling, irritating those who happened to have them land on their food, but otherwise leaving everyone in a festive mood.

All, that is, except for Evelyn. What’s with you, why aren’t you celebrating this glorious event? the earl asked.

My parents lost! To hers! she stormed, shaking a finger at Alicia.

The earl facepalmed before steadying himself. Well, this is awkward, he said as a balloon bounced off Evelyn’s head. Trying to make the best of the situation, he pulled out a cell phone, stood beside her, and made a video of himself with her as he said, Look whose family won a wonderful parting gift just for playing along in ‘Noble Prize.’

Evelyn placed her hands on her hips. I don’t care that my family just won luggage and a brand new toaster! Just because her dad wound up eating more chicken wings in two minutes than mine. She glared at Alicia. Do you realize how many chickens died just to make your dad a baron?

One diner