Our World from the Outside In

By Jajuan Lamar Hill

Our World from the Outside In is a story that speaks for the social media generation. We are living through an image that does not fit our frame due to social media. So, I use my life as a platform to be stood upon by people who fear identifying themselves emotionally. For the audience that doesn't relate to my life, I use poetry to build an emotional connection with my readers.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Mar 6, 2019
• ISBN: 9780359482900

Book preview

Preface

When I wrote this, I wanted to speak. I wanted to speak for us in an outspoken way. I wanted to give the world my naked truth. I wanted to voice my love, my fears, my dreams, and my pains. We are judged daily about the way we do things; nobody really understands. They don’t understand the way we act or the way we think because these other generations are not living our reality. Social media altered the meaning of our existence. It changed the way we think of ourselves and life on a broader sense. So, I present to you a book written through poetic verses, but don’t read it through my lens, see it through the frame of your own experience. I expose the parts of my mind where vulnerability hides, so embrace me and learn the person within. I pulled courage from inside of me, so my peers could alleviate their fears of being alone. We are one; be yourself when reading this. This is your story, I was simply the first one to write it. Laugh with me, live with me, cry with me, fear with me, and feel with me. Thank you for reading, kick back, relax and I hope you enjoy.

Copyright © 2018 by Ja'Juan L. Hill

Sex Drives Me

     At fourteen years old, I lost my virginity. I lied for years about when I lost it. I lied to my mom, my friends, and myself. I don’t know why I lied about it back then. I think I wanted to live up to an image; an image that was outside of my own frame. All of my friends were having sex and being a virgin seemed like it was a bad thing. I wanted to grow up as fast as I could and I felt like sex was a milestone to being an adult. I lost my virginity to someone who didn’t deserve it. Why, as a male, do we not value our body but we expect a female to value hers? We judge women for how they carry themselves, but we have no problem having sex with the women we judge. It makes no sense when you sit and think about it. 

     My sex life has never been normal. I was always ahead of my age group in experience and knowledge. I had a sixteen year old cousin named Shavon who forced me to learn about sex at ten. It made me so advanced compared to my peers, so advanced that physical sex isn’t enough for me now. I need physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual sex. He shared with me all his experiences and encouraged me to hurry and have sex. Shavon even once asked me did I want to have sex with a girl he brought to my house. I was willing to do it to impress him, but I had no idea what to do. A ten year old boy and a sixteen year old girl. I don’t think I could even get horny at this age. I was so afraid; afraid of letting Shavon and myself down. Luckily, I did

not have sex with the girl. She could see the fear in my body language. I look at Shavon so differently now that I can speak about these things. I found out that he didn’t even lose his virginity until he was sixteen. Why was he pressuring me to engage in sexual activity years before he ever did? He ruined my childhood and changed my adulthood. He never taught me the value of women, only how to get what you want from them. He is turning twenty-six next year and still lives the same way. He uses women for what they have. I forgive Shavon because I have no clue of what he went through that made him think this was normal.

At fourteen years old, I was also manipulated by a nineteen year old girl emotionally and mentally. Her name is Kiara. I was willing to deal with almost anything she did. I was acting out of character for a girl who never truly cared about me. I even lost the relationship me and my mother had over this situation. I never told anybody this besides my mom, but Kiara gave me chlamydia. I was still willing to be with her because she had so much mental control over me. It is honestly painful and