Not Quite Home: A Soldier’s Search for Belonging

By James B. Morgan

There is a brotherhood, formed in the crucible of battle, which brooks no other path to membership. Created in the incapacitating fear of incoming fire that no training can ever simulate, those fraternal bonds are stronger than the blood that is shed to form them.

James B. Morgan spent twenty-four years in service to his country, rising from an enlisted soldier to Lieutenant Colonel. His memoir examines being a soldier in a way that goes beyond life on the battlefield and peers into the souls of that combat brotherhood.

Morgan studies the mind of his soldiers using his own experiences as the thread that ties the narrative together. From feeling obligated to volunteer for deployment to feeling guilty about doing so, from taking pride in a successful battlefield mission to wondering about the families mourning the losses he caused, Morgan speaks plainly about why so many Soldiers struggle to belong.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Sep 7, 2016
• ISBN: 9781483456850

Book preview

NOT QUITE HOME

A Soldier’s Search for Belonging

JAMES B. MORGAN

Copyright © 2016 James B. Morgan.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-4834-5684-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4834-5685-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016913193

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 10/19/2016

CONTENTS

Prologue

SECTION 1: What Makes Me Who I Am

SECTION 2: To Bury a Fallen Soldier

SECTION 3: A Year in Iraq

SECTION 3A: If I Die

SECTION 4: A Soldier at Home

SECTION 5: I Want to Go Back

SECTION 6: Forlorn Hope Scare Read

SECTION 7: There Is a Brotherhood

SECTION 7A: Counseling

SECTION 8: E-Mail Threads

SECTION 9: The Rest of the Story

Epilogue

PROLOGUE

Anyone foolish enough to read this document should understand why and how it is written. Writing, as I write here, is like disrobing in public, just without the gagging sounds and screaming. I am exposing myself in what can sometimes be a humiliating way. These are my thoughts, my dreams, and my demons. As I get older, writing has more and more of a cathartic effect on me. There is no easy way to explain why I write. It seems to me that my soul cleanses itself as the words roll through my fingertips to the screen in front of me. I write to maintain my sanity; I write to relieve stress; I write because I must. Not as romantic as the manual typewriter of Hemingway’s time, even less so than the beautiful script of such classics as Don Quixote or The old man and the Sea, but this is my time, my words, and my soul that bares itself on the pages that follow. It doesn’t need to be romantic to accomplish what it must. I make no apologies for writing style or grammar. I will not define this as fact or fiction; it is what I remember, mostly. I can’t stand my own writing, despite the fact that I am absolutely compelled to write. Anna Nalick sings a song that seems relative; it says that her words are threatening the life they belong to. I feel like I’m naked in front of a crowd ’cause these words are my diary screaming out loud, I know you will use them however you want to. With that rather disturbing visual, read on, if you must. You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

These acronyms, concepts and assumptions will make all of this easier to understand.

SECTION 1

WHAT MAKES ME WHO I AM

Sir, do you love me? When a crusty old sergeant asked me that question all those years ago, I had no response. I knew what I wanted to say, but I could not come close to making it clear to him. He wanted me to understand myself and to understand my role as a leader, and at the time, I didn’t. If we cannot explain what we believe and what we stand for, it is most likely that we stand for nothing, believing whatever is most popular that week. I know many people who have very strong beliefs but few who can explain what they are. What good is it to say Democrats or Republicans are bad if you cannot explain why? If you cannot explain why you believe, you are probably spouting the same rhetoric that your circle of friends picked up from your favorite television news show. For me, that is simply no way to live. I have to understand why I am who I am. That understanding does not come easily.

In all of our lives, there are a few seminal events or concepts that shape who we are. It has taken me the better part of twelve years to identify those events in my life. These few events direct our moral compass and identify to us what is right and what is wrong. In my life, five things have directed me.

Sir, do you love me? These are not at all the words an aggressive, hard-charging young captain wants to hear from his senior enlisted adviser, especially if it is from a forty-year-old man getting ready to retire. I responded in the only way a combat arms officer could:

What the hell are you talking about? You know the rules—don’t ask, don’t tell. How could you question me like that?

Sir, you know that’s not what I mean. Do you love me?

That’s just not right, Sergeant. Let’s change the subject.

I am just asking a question, sir. Do you love me?

By this time, I was beginning to be a bit flustered.

I take good care of my soldiers, you know that. You can change the subject, or you can walk back to the office, sergeant. I have had enough.

Ten years after the fact, I can still hear the steel jaws close on the trap he had set for me.

But, sir, if you don’t love me, how can you lead me?

All these years later, and I have still not found a way to contact him, just to say thanks.

I try to love my soldiers like I love my children, understanding that needs and wants are two different things. With my kids, I try to give them room to grow and make mistakes while always staying close enough to ensure the inevitable mistakes are not too serious. I treat soldiers with the same concept, just a different maturity level. I do not give them what they do not need, like extra days off or trips in early from field exercises. I try to give them clear standards, a clear objective, and a clear understanding of rewards and consequences; then I get out of the way and let them do their thing. It is amazing what an average man can accomplish when he feels like he has the authority to make a decision, the resources to do his job, and the freedom to make a mistake. My success is testimony to that; I’ve been blessed with some outstanding leaders over the years and, more importantly, some outstanding subordinates.

My soldiers must know that their careers are as important to me as mine is, not because of what I say, but because of the things I try to do. Taking a soldier from an exercise where he is desperately needed and sending him to school, always following through on awards that have been submitted, and taking the time to coach, not just direct, mean more than any volumes of flowery prose ever could. If I love them first, they will follow me anywhere. If I do not love them, I cannot lead them.

Once upon a time, in a desert environment somewhere in central California, a captain (eight years’ experience), a major (fourteen years’ experience), and a colonel (twenty-one years’ experience) pored over a map, trying to ferret out a solution to a particularly thorny problem. Scouts had identified an obstacle, and we had to plan a way to get through it. The young radioman (eight months’ experience) was close enough to see the map and to hear our discussions, but he was far too junior to even consider speaking in that august meeting. A couple of times, he tried to interrupt but was quickly put in his place. At the end of that young soldier’s shift, as he was being replaced by an equally young and inexperienced soldier, he was overheard to say, They never build obstacles all the way to the wall. We can just bypass. They sure are making this look difficult. We all heard, and in the same instant, we all realized that young soldier might be right. It didn’t take long for our scouts to confirm; there was a gap up close to the canyon wall, so we didn’t need to go through the obstacles. We could go around. All of our combined years of experience were outdone by one individual who listened, thought about it outside of the constraints that our years of training and experience had placed on us, and found the best solution. All that time, the brain trust was unwilling to listen to a quick comment from him. It was a bit humbling to all except that soldier. The colonel gave him a brigade coin, a highly prized reward for a job well done. We all learned that we should have listened. Nobody is too junior to be intelligent.

I once heard cooperation defined as everyone doing what I say. Sadly, that comment was from a senior leader in the army as he explained his own leadership philosophy. For some, demonstrating leadership means standing on a podium and expounding on the veracity of the instructions they have meted out. For others, it means setting a goal and then listening to others explain what they can achieve in support of that goal. The second way requires giving up on the delusions of grandeur, recognizing that two heads really are better than one, and just listening. It is absolutely amazing what you can learn if you can just shut up and listen. Learn about your subordinates; learn what makes them tick, about the challenges of their jobs that might impact achievement, and about the personality of the unit as a whole. There is a time to give clear, concise guidance and to be clear that there is no room for variance. That time is almost always after a few precious moments spent with mouth firmly closed, listening to those who will be required to execute that guidance. You never know—maybe that youngest soldier might have the best idea at the table.

When in charge, be in charge! That seems obvious, but my experience shows that it really is not. We all have worked for alleged leaders who simply could not be coaxed into making a firm decision. All decisions, especially the difficult ones, are put off again and again until time overtakes them. We have also worked for those who always made clear the five Ws: what, when, where, who, and why. Everyone in those commands can focus on tasks instead of wondering what direction the unit is heading. Once again, give clear guidance and then get out of the way, and it is amazing what people can accomplish. I wish I had a neat little story to go along with this fourth point, but it is more of a compilation of experiences and observation than anything else. Nonetheless, it fits into the theme of this first section because it is definitely part of what makes me tick. My decisions are not always the right ones, but rarely does anyone wonder what they are.

As we grow up, we all gain basic understanding of right and wrong. Some vague questions may be open to debate, but by and large, we all have at least a very similar concept. Murder and stealing are wrong; helping others is right. We all know the difference between right and wrong. Consequences have no impact on what is right; they just give us an excuse to justify our wrong behavior. Right is always right, and wrong is always wrong. This concept is only vaguely related to legal and illegal or profit and loss. Most would justify stealing if it was