Is It Me? Or Is It the Wine? Confessions of a 30 Yr Old SWF

By Kate C. Wright

I am 30 years old, still single, following a dream, wallowing in self pity; yet I manage to briefly mask my self-loathing with wine, random flings with B list celebrities, professional athletes, dating men that are full blown sociopaths, and basically being a well known socialite.


Unlike most relationship/non-fiction books about random people’s lives, I am the voice of every 30-something woman, who just hasn’t quite figured it out yet. This is about finding love, losing love, finding yourself, losing yourself, eating Taco Bell until you feel like you are going to die, and remembering regret overrides fear.

Everyone has a story, I just have the balls to tell mine. This is my life, raw and unedited.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Feb 21, 2015
• ISBN: 9781312945968

Book preview

Is It Me? Or Is It the Wine? Confessions of a 30 Yr Old SWF

Is It Me? Or Is It The Wine?

Confessions of a 30yr old SWF

Copyright

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or scholarly journal.

Copyright @ Kate C. Wright 2015

First Printing: 2015

ISNB: 978-1-312-92781-0

Kate C. Wright

6162 Maple Ave

Dallas, Texas 75235

Kate C. Wright

Cover Photographer: Ramon Mendez

Cover Model: Timothy Lane Doty

Cover Establishment: So and So’s Dallas- Brandon Hays, Phillip Schanbaum, Kevin Stein, Cody Hand.

Hype Girl: Lauren Hardaway

**Any use of likeness or portrayal of this story is prohibited and subject to legal action. All rights reserved by Kate C. Wright.

Dedication

I dedicate this book to every person that has ever felt they aren’t good enough or alone. To every female that has ever thought they aren’t beautiful or scorned. To every male that has ever wronged a female or been wronged by one. I dedicate this book to every mother who feels defeated, to every father who feels like one mistake can ruin their child’s future, to every sister who feels inadequate, to every brother that feels inadequate, to every friend that has asked for forgiveness and given forgiveness, to everyone that has ever felt tired of putting on a face. This is my story. This is your story. We aren’t alone and everyone has a story; I just have the balls to tell mine. I want to hear yours. It takes a lot of courage to lay everything I have ever been through out there but I hope you ALL understand why I did this.

I also dedicate this to EVERYONE who has believed in me. The people, (you know who you are), that have never given up on me, no matter how crazy my dream. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I would not have had the courage to do what I am doing without you.

People can take away your material possessions, your car, your clothes; they can even take away your love, but they can never take away the truth. You never know whose life you will change just by being you.

-Kate C. Wright

DisclaimeR

ALL names in this book have been changed to protect the innocent and not have the guilty sue me. Although everything in this book is fact, this is my story not theirs.

Also, there are plenty of editorial errors and I am well aware of this. I am working on being able to afford an editor; but until then, deal with it. Concentrating on editing took me away from telling the story and I also write how I speak. This is a first edition. This is a special edition….

Introduction: Why?

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road, time grabs you by the wrist. Directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time. It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life. -Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) -Green Day. (1996)

I can’t exactly say where I went wrong in love and now that I think about it, life, in general. I have learned though that wrong and right are relative. I guess I live such an eh type of life nowadays, it was just second nature to be scorned, hurt, written off. So, being the masochist I apparently am, I just continue dating men that I know are sport fishing, thinking that I will be their saving grace; and I am…for the night. Having friends that I bend over backwards for that would throw me under a bus and run right back over me just because they can. Helping others when I can’t even help myself. I somehow always manage to make it. Realizing the bullshit you go through in life is for a reason, it builds character. By writing this book I hope anyone who reads this, going through the same things, understands there is no proverbial checklist for life. Your life is just that, your life.

I am 30, unmarried, no kids, entrepreneur who tends to go against the grain in life. My father is a national sportscaster and I have grown up around the limelight. I decided to give up everything after many failed attempts at a 9-5 job and pursue my dream. I am the founder of one of the biggest web-magazines in Dallas and I run this company with zero help. Plenty of people have helped me along the way but now…it is just me. I have always loved writing and it is the only thing I am relatively brilliant at doing. UptownDallasGirl.com is my business and something I created, again, with the help of a few others that I developed into something great. This was my first, which followed many semi-clues that my lot in life, was to write; to inspire and to tell my story.

I am a socialite if you will; I hate that term but that is the reason that drove me to write this book. Through the years I have made a name for myself without riding my father’s coattail; some of the names I am called aren’t that great, but hey, talk is cheap and so is this book; put your money where your mouth is. I got so FED UP with rumors being spread about me, and people speaking out of turn about MY life; that I decided to put an end to it all and write this book. To those who know me, I hope now you will know me better; to those who do not, I hope this is not only a book that helps you and entertains you, but a book that inspires. I have learned the hard way, through trying to be someone I am not, that the most beautiful thing on Earth is just being you; and this is me, ALL of me. Unedited. 

Nothing really fazes me anymore. I still don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Have I become desensitized? Or have I just become a realist? I have become almost too good at taking emotions out of the equation when dating. I can date (and I use that term loosely) a guy and have zero attachment. On the flip side of that, when I just can’t take emotion out of it, I turn into One Flew Over the Coocoo’s Nest; and it ain't pretty. Looking back on all the love lost I kind of want to open some champs and pour some out for my homies…then celebrate. I couldn’t even, for a brief second, bear to think about what, where, who I might have become if I stayed in these tumultuous relationships with burnouts, players and at some points, full blown sociopaths. I have gained, lost, and weeded out people in my life. Not because I wanted to, because I had to. There are also the allusive, ones that got away. Which, I still hold hope that someday, either I will understand why, or they will come back with their tail between their legs; but I am not holding my breath. There is also the question everyone battles almost on a daily basis…who am I?  I still don’t know the answer to that, but by writing my story, maybe I will figure it out.

I’ll go ahead and give some background on myself to preface this tell-all, my mother is going to have a cardiac arrest when/if she reads this, book.  People have always said my life is a soap opera. Even though I would never directly be involved with drama, it kind of just finds me.  You honestly couldn’t script my life. First and foremost, I am an open book, figuratively in the beginning, but now very literally.  This isn’t a book about love, or look at me I am interesting! It is about letting people know they are not alone. You may look flawless on paper, or the Internet, or in public; but the internal, and sometimes external, battles you face, someone else is having those same struggles day in and day out. I have a bit of a potty mouth, I do things in life that aren’t necessarily accepted as right in society, and I make mistakes, but who doesn’t? This does not mean I still don’t have a relationship with God, or that I am a bad person, or that I am, screwed up (arguably). I am human. Also, Jameson on the rocks cures just about anything…

Chapter 1: Who The Hell Am I?

Just when you think, you got me figured out, the season's already changing. I think it's cool, you do what you do; and don't try to save me. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint. I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your dream; I'm nothing in between. You know you wouldn't want it any other way. -Bitch -Meredith Brooks (1996)

I am 30 years old and a SWF (Single White Female, for those unfamiliar with dating classifieds) living in Dallas, Texas. I am a writer, entrepreneur, sports nut, broadcaster, perpetual dater, always the bridesmaid never the bride type shit and never settler. I am, some would say, eccentric? Some would say unrealistic, but the majority, I think, would say different. People either love me or hate me. Although I don’t have enemies, at least I don’t think. The bottom line is, I am not here to impress anyone, get something from anyone, or pretend to be anything I am not. Some people say I am too open and honest about my life. I don’t believe in being too honest because if you are truly you 100% of the time, even if you’re not sure who that is, you will find out; and weed out people who don’t love your beauty AND your flaws. Because, NEWSFLASH, everyone has flaws. Also, I really just stopped giving a rat's ass what people think. I am me. That is all I can be.... and I did not intend for that to rhyme.

I will try to be girlie for a hot minute here and compare it to purses. How would you feel if you found out you were given a knock-off Michael Kors that you were convinced was real? Not great eh? However, how would you feel if you were given a real Michael Kors and knew, without a doubt, it was real from day one? Loud and proud!!! Perception is reality, so might as well just be real so people perceive you as nothing but.

I have had five great loves of my life, I am talking five, 100% I was in love, REAL love. No matter if they reciprocated or not. Which is why I don’t necessarily believe in soul mates but you will hear all about my conspiracy theory later on that topic. I have a tremendous, amazing, beautiful group of friends. When it comes to people, I want to meet all of you and know YOUR story. Have you ever sat back while driving home from work wondering where are all these people going? What is their story? Well lucky for you, I have no shame in asking. The beauty of metaphorically walking a mile in someone’s shoes is that you see their side. You may not agree, and they may legitimately be pieces of shit, but at least you tried to see their side.

I love learning. I have a Bachelors degree in public relations from Texas Tech University (Wreck Em’); and if ANYONE knows good ol’ Lubbock, Texas, graduating from Tech is no 12-ounce glide. You are committed after four years, you are going 24 ounce on this! Yes, I said four years because to be a Texas Tech Alumni you either have had to fail out freshman year and go home then come back, or fail out freshman year, get it together and do what us Red Raiders like to call…our victory lap (5+ years).

After enough school to become an MD, I finally walked that stage.  Grabbed my diploma and headed straight for…my parents car in whom were taking me home…to their house…because I had no job and no money. AWESOME!!! Exactly where I wanted to be. A college graduate and still where I was before this piece of paper. I guess I should mention I graduated college in 2008; during the worst recession in American history. 30-year veterans of their said job were being laid off! How in the hell do you expect me to go get a job when the hiring managers are literally interviewing you while eating Raman?

To make a long story less long, my life HAS been a soap opera. However, with all the craziness that has occurred in my life, it has made me stronger, a hell of a lot smarter, and an extremely entertaining storyteller.

This book is about finding love, losing love, finding yourself, losing yourself, eating Taco Bell until you feel like you are going to die, following a dream when people say you will never make it, and EVERYONE has a story; and it may be WAY deeper than you could possibly imagine.

Who deemed my life interesting enough to become a book? Me. You could not script this. So sit back grab some Pinot because this shit is about to get real.

Chapter 2: Growing Pains

As days go by, we're gonna fill our house with happiness. The moon may cry, we're gonna smother the blues with tenderness. When days go by, there's room for you, room, for me, for gentle hearts an opportunity. As days go by, it's the bigger love of the family. -Family Matters (1990-1998)

My family is amazing even though they pretty much hate me. Parents still married for 31 years, have a little sister who is incredibly beautiful, smart, and hilarious; a soon-to-be (probably already is by the time this hits shelves) brother-in-law and seriously the most amazing best friends a girl could ask for.

My dad is my hero. I have always been a daddy’s girl but my dad broke the mold. He was the one man who never lied to me, the one man who, no matter what I did I would always be a princess in his eyes. The only time I ever saw him off the reservation mad was when I was 15 and yelled JESUS CH****! I still TO THIS DAY cannot even bring myself to say those words together. DID YOU JUST USE THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN!!!!?!!!!!!. I swear my father’s head did a 360 and smoke shot from his ears. I FLIPPED out and ran to my room. He still didn’t punish me but I will never again want to see him like that. I grew up in a Christian home but not Bible beater Christian. This was so much more. The lessons I learned not just in that moment or when we were reading The Upper Room every night before bed; but I realized faith, in anything, is so important in a relationship. If one person’s foundation is sand and the other cement… there is no support for either side.

So many young women have daddy issues or at least that’s what people say about crazy girls. Oh and trust me you will get my entire philosophy on why the sane go insane later.

It’s pretty crazy that at this point in my life, I have, literally, not a segment of my life I can blame for my, excuse my French or lack thereof, fucked-upness when it came to relationships. I grew up in a suburb outside Atlanta, GA called Marietta. I lived in a neighborhood that, you didn’t have to lock your doors; the neighbors still had block parties. If there were a storm we would all pile in the Anderson’s basement. When it was summer and the kids were hot we went swimming in Mr. Larry’s pool. When the little ones wanted the cool babysitter they knew who to call **insert hair flip and winkey face**.  Until this day, 20 + years later, those same people will be at my (here’s to hoping) wedding. I was living in the real life Mayberry. I never saw my parents drink, fight, barely even raise their voices. Some could say I was sheltered but I liked it that way.

My father is a broadcaster and has been one of the best in the business for 40+ years. He has a degree in speech from a small school and worked his ass off to get where he, well, was. You don’t know hardship until you have built a career, reputation, your whole life around your job and you are losing work to children who are half as good. He worked for a major network for over 20 years. Everyone I have ever come across that knows my dad has nothing but nice things to say. That is where I get my people- pleaser attitude.  He could have had the worst day in the entire world but still has a smile on his face and thanks God he is still breathing. I wish I could be like that. My mother, although we have had our ups and downs, is the most brilliant, beautiful, no bullshit, precious woman I could ever ask for in a mother. Since I am so much like my father, very whimsical, gets bored easy, dreamers with our head in the clouds, my mother and sister are…practical. So it’s very difficult to understand each other’s way of thinking. It works though. Every time we get together, just us four, I laugh so hard I cry. The love in my family is insurmountable.

I think I have always carried this weight with me that I will never make them proud unless I am rotting away with a steady paycheck and a 9-5. My sister Christine, who is not only gorgeous but also smart, got her nursing degree from the University of Texas at Austin. She deals with the most HEART WRENCHING things on a daily basis. Things I could never in a million years, let alone be so brave as to face. She is now in school working a day job on the oncology floor of one of Dallas’ most elite hospitals and busting her ass to study to be a nurse practitioner.

I take after my father’s genes and have a very empathetic personality. I am almost too empathetic in some cases. When my ex and I used to see homeless people it would ultimately result in a three hour fight and eventually end with me in tears, leaving his apartment in Houston, Texas to go home in Dallas. I always wanted to help but he yelled at me and told me I was too naive. Which, I was. Every moment in life, you never know whose life you will change but I had a very bad compass. I would make everyone else rich then look in my wallet to see I had nothing left. You can’t help anyone else until you help yourself. This is one lesson I am still learning today. I would rather see others happy than make myself happy; SUCH a double-edged sword.  I thank my mother for bringing me back to reality not only in situations like this but life in general. I can’t help sometimes looking back and calculating all the nice things I have done for others and comparing them to all the nice things others have done for me. I know life isn’t about keeping score; but it is always in my head when is it my turn?

After living in perfection for 13 years, my father got offered a job for another team and we had to move to Texas. I do recall asking my mom if I would be the only white girl in my class. This wasn’t racism or anything it was just a clear-cut observation as to how sheltered we were. So off we went December of 1996 to Texas. I went to three different middle schools for sixth, seventh and eighth grade. Then was part of the very first full graduating class of a brand new, beautiful high school.

I should say, my family doesn’t really hate me. They embody the term tough love. As much as my hard head wants to fight their help and want to figure things out on my own, there comes a time when you just have to give it up. I know they mean well, but the guilt I carry with me every single day is weighing on me hard. I just want to be a person someone, anyone, is proud of.

Chapter 3: High School, Low Expectations

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain. I like watchin' the puddles gather rain. And all I can do is just pour some tea for two, and speak my point of view but it's not sane, It's not sane. I just want someone to say to me, I'll always be there when you wake. Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today. So stay with me and I'll have it made.-No Rain -Blind Melon (1992)

I don’t think people start to realize their self-worth or lack thereof, until they hit high school. Not to say you don’t know who you are until then, but develop and acknowledge what Freud likes to call your ID, Ego and Superego. The ID is a component of your personality present from birth. This part of your personality is the wants, needs, desires and impulses. The Ego tries to mediate between the ID and reality. This would be your conscious or moral compass if you will. The Superego is the Ego on steroids. It basically is there to bring the feeling of guilt when a wrongdoing occurs. The Superego is a dick. Just saying. No, I am not a psychologist nor will this book be about psychology. I do have a minor in it (one DUMB ASS elective away from a double major), and I find Freud’s views on personality and the subconscious fascinating. I will reference the ID, Ego and Superego and maybe some phallic related references as well. Don’t say I never taught you anything.

In high school, I guess I was popular. I say, I guess because I didn’t realize it until way after high school when people tell me I was. It’s very odd, I never really felt my high school, had a popular crowd; at least in my grade. I was a cheerleader all four years and a complete square. I didn’t drink, party, do drugs, or have sex at all in high school. This led me to, at some times, very cruel bullying, the need to fit in and the deep desire to be accepted. I was a caregiver in my church nursery so between that, cheer, babysitting I was busy, but I still wished to be one of the cool kids. Let me also say, I had braces and a pukka shell necklace… for real ya’ll, yeah I was NOT hot. I looked 12 because I didn’t hit puberty until I was 18. I started my period in the cheerleader’s bathroom the day before graduation. The whole squad cheered…literally, in celebration.  This was mostly due to my competitive gymnastics days. I had to go see a special doctor to make sure I was developing healthy. Which, looking back now, the guys I dated in high school, ya’ll are creepy as hell dating a chick that looked 12. Just saying. Although I did find my very first love when I was a sophomore. He was a freshman, Cory Hinze. Cory was the quintessential, All American boy. All the girls wanted Cory; and I got him!

We dated for a good eight months (which was eternity back then), and broke up because…well, I don’t remember but I was probably stalking him too much. That’s my guess. Keep in mind… I DID NOT lose my virginity until college. It was all down hill from there. Cory didn’t mind though. The way we first met was like out of a movie. He was on the football team and I was a cheerleader, a flyer. I was the one everyone threw up in the air and at the top of the pyramids. BEST flyer winner all four years of high school thanks very much. The football team would practice when the cheerleaders would out on our grassy knoll we called a football field. We were doing conditioning, running laps, and someone over threw the ball to Cory and it landed right at my feet. I stop and picked it up, not thinking twice as I see