The Uncomfortable Truth

By Gayton McKenzie

'I am not a love guru. I am the guy love gurus
have been trying to figure out.'

Gayton McKenzie knows a thing or two about women.

But what he could never quite understand was how reluctant so many women seem to be to face up to the uncomfortable realities about men, themselves and their relationships.

Not knowing and accepting these 'truths' can get women into deep trouble, cause heartache and result in even greater damage. Because a woman who accepts a man's obvious lies – or lies to herself about the kind of man she's with and the kind of relationship she's in – will always get hurt.

Gayton McKenzie has young daughters. This is the book he would want them to read – to warn them against the kind of man he has so often been himself.

As Gloria Steinem once said: 'The truth will set you free,
but first it will piss you off.'

So what you will read in this book may be uncomfortable. But it will make you ask the hard questions about yourself ... and men. It will also sometimes make you laugh and ultimately give you hope that you can find the love you really need and the love you truly deserve.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gayton McKenzie
• Release date: Nov 3, 2014
• ISBN: 9780620614979

Book preview

The Uncomfortable Truth

Also by Gayton McKenzie

The Choice: The Gayton McKenzie Story 

– as told to Charles Cilliers

A Hustler’s Bible

Published by ZAR Empire

Tel: [phone]

Fax: [phone]

[e-mail]

Company reg. no 2012/094195/07

First published 2014

Text © Gayton McKenzie

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.

Cover design: Kobus Faber (front) and Charles Cilliers (back)

Author photograph: Eunice Driver 

The author would like to thank Liezl Basson, Mduduzi Dlamini and Bruce Mujeyi for contributions to early manuscripts and Moloko McKenzie for the cover concept design.

Editor and typesetter: Charles Cilliers

Set in 11 pt on 14 Cambria

Printed and bound by Business Print, Pretoria

ISBNs:

Print: 978-0-620-61496-2

E-book: 978-0-620-61497-9

Kindle: 978-0-620-61498-6

Dedication

To my daughters

and all the daughters

Contents

Introduction

What your mama said 

Sex

Go for a guy with ambition

Supporting your man’s hustle

Men can’t be taken

He’s probably the worst person to believe

Moving on

Approaching the other woman

PMS

Communication

Secrecy and privacy

When he says he loves you

Valentine’s day

His friends and you

Your crew

Beware the free upgrade

Abuse

The ring

Religion

Cars

When love makes you psycho

Mistakes ladies make when meeting a new guy

Dress code

How to attract a guy

Your boyfriend’s mom

Ladies dating younger guys – the cougar

Your girlfriends and your man

Wanting a man with a nice car

Hyperindependence

Cosmetic surgery

First dates

Gold-diggers

Dating an older guy

Accepting gifts

Cooking

Honesty’s not always the best policy

The kinky stuff

Shush

You’re divorced

He’s getting divorced

Gay warning signs

So you think you know your guy’s taste

Bad boys

Money matters

The need to impress

Being the baby momma

Pick-up lines and confident men

Letting temptation move in

Grow with your partner

Your parents

Unwanted pregnancy

Killing yourself over a man

Never advertise your fights

Porn

Your ex

Being with a so-long guy

Counsellors and therapy

Women hating women

The most important lesson

Introduction

I am not a love guru. I am the guy love gurus have been trying to figure out. 

So don’t expect this to be just another comforting relationship book; the title alone should have warned you it’s not.

Many people have derisively dismissed the fact that I have written this book. They have been quick to point out there is nothing, according to them, that entitles me to offer relationship advice to women. In fact, to them I’m exactly the last guy who should dare to say anything.

But let’s not be too hasty to call me a madman, though I might be one. 

I won’t ever quite get used to the interest women show in me discussing not only my own love life, my experiences in a multitude of relationships over the years and the particular and general observations I have about the subject of relationships and everything that goes with it. I’ve collected these observations and words of advice over the years and take a lot of it for granted by now. But when I share it with (some) women, they’ve tended to keep trying to milk me for more – so I thought I might actually be on to something.

One or two even suggested I write a book – and I thought that was a silly idea myself, too. But eventually the idea took hold.

Of late, my experiences as a businessman and a player added a lot to what I thought I already knew about the subject of women and, from my perspective, what makes you girls tick.

I say you girls because this book is written for women and addresses women directly. Men will read it too, but the uncomfortable truth for them will have to be that it simply isn’t intended for them.

I realise I may very well be wrong about a lot of what you’ll find in this book, but this is my own subjective view and opinion, and it’s a set of assumptions that have got me this far and into (and often out of) a lot of relationships. I’ve learnt something from every relationship, and if there’s one overarching lesson to be gained from all of it, it’s this: no two women are alike, and thinking you can use a one-size-fits-all approach to any woman or to any relationship is about as stupid as thinking you can use a Ferrari on any sort of road.

Treat it right, use it right, and it will be the best car you’ve ever driven. Try to use it on an off-road adventure through the Hennops River pass and you’ll think all Ferraris are the biggest pile of crap invented by humanity. There’s a whole section on cars later, by the way, which was a lot of fun to write.

But the point is that you should take from this book what you can use, and don’t get too bunched up or upset about the rest.

I have had fun writing this book, and I hope you enjoy reading it. Maybe you’ll find something in here that will be an eye-opener, if only to be wiser in relationships and choose the person you share your heart with carefully – and when you do, to do it with abandon.

In many respects, I have sort of seen it all, so I do have some wherewithal to write this book.

I wrote my last book and this one with the understanding that our people are often consumed by writers from the US or even Britain who are obviously not writing for our situation. Their scenarios and circumstances differ from ours, and taking their advice can often lead you nowhere.

I’m not saying they don’t have a lot to add – and almost all the quotes and research I borrow in this very book also lean heavily on the work of international writers and thinkers. But I try not to forget about our local situation and I try to put it across so that local readers will catch it.

I have also always rebelled against the belief that academic book lessons are the only way. I always bring the street lessons into my writing. I did it with A Hustlers Bible. I’m trying to do it now with The Uncomfortable Truth.

I have seen ladies struggling with something as elementary as not knowing if she was being loved for real or was just a plaything. I have seen ladies not knowing how to find someone without looking cheap and desperate. We shall deal with all of that and more in this book.

This is not an academic treatise. It’s based on personal experience. I have been all sorts of guys. I have been the poor guy; the absent guy; the rich guy. I have been the guy who wouldn’t think twice about breaking a girl’s heart, and I’ve had my heart crushed many a time.

I have seen every corner of South Africa and a whole lot of the world. I have been with many women, all of them quite different. I have listened to their opinions on relationships and men, which do not differ much whether you’re from the Ukraine or Uganda.

I like talking to people, especially to women. I love hearing what they have to say about themselves, other women, men and life in general. I’ve always been fascinated by what makes women tick, because I – it almost goes without saying – love women. I am an anthropologist who’s made a lifelong study of half the human race. To me, it’s hard to find a woman who isn’t beautiful in some way, with her own unique attraction.

Perhaps it’s inevitable, considering I spent so many of my younger years in prison and didn’t get to see too many women behind those high walls.

I always wanted a big family. I have one today. In building that family over the course of a number of years, I made mothers of six different women.

You may think that’s a lot, but I know many guys who’ve left a trail of far more. I was being circumspect by comparison.

You can imagine the day I decided to introduce all those mothers to each other. 

But I survived that and so did they.

There were times prior to it happening when I wondered if I (and they, especially) would survive it.

I am today a father to five boys and three girls. They are the product of me embracing the life of a player. I lied and deceived my way into making all these women (and many others I never wanted to have kids with and didn’t) believe they were the centre of my romantic universe.

It was a deception they should easily have seen through, and had they wanted to they would have.

Whether any of them ever really believed they were the only ones, I can’t honestly say. There were umpteen warning signs for them to pick up on, but when you want something to be true, then you’re only too happy to let it be true, if only for you, for as long as you can.

In my own way, I loved every one of these women. That might not make sense according to the definition of love that’s presented in the love stories girls grow up reading about and seeing in movies, and I’m aware that the moment I might attempt to explain what I mean by I loved them all, I’m likely to face spirited opposition from women who believe that a good man is a faithful man – and a faithful man is a good man.

So yes, I’m not the poster boy for the nuclear family. Norman Rockwell would never have painted my unusual family as the model for Bible-belt America. But there are a lot of guys like me – and even more guys who would like nothing more than to be me, or at least have a shot at a life something like the one I’ve lived.

And even though it’s hardly a secret any more that I was a big player (someone other players would refer to as a galáctico ... you can look it up if you don’t get the reference), the attentions and affections of women have not really diminished.

But was my kind of love the kind of love these women wanted it to be or the kind of love they were looking for? Undoubtedly, it was not. They wanted more and if you were to ask them today, they would probably have doubts about whether I really loved them or still love them. No matter what I might say or do.

What matters is not the definition of love the guy believes in. What matters is your definition. If him cheating on you and lying to you doesn’t fit in with your definition of him loving you, then as far as you’re concerned he doesn’t love you.

If you can live with him being a player, then cool. Go for it. 

But the definition of love we’re going to use for this book is not the definition that will make players happy: it’s the one most women are after ... to be loved by a guy who loves only you, is honest with you and is faithful to you. I’m not that kind of guy, but that’s the kind of guy most women want. So this book will try to help you to wise up to how best to find a guy like that and build a relationship with a guy like that.

Just because I’m not that guy doesn’t mean I can’t help you to find him. Because I can help you to avoid guys like me – and all the players who will make your search for the right guy impossible, because they will all be distractions on the road to true love.

He may cheat on you; he may lie to you; he may occasionally do all the things that players are guilty of. But for the man who wants to be with you and be your true love, that sort of thing won’t be a complete lifestyle for him, as it has been for me and for many guys just like me. 

He would at least have the good grace to be ashamed of himself. That doesn’t happen with players.

If he’s not really a player, you may realise he still loves you and you may want to forgive him and move on.

This book will go into all the pros and cons of that and perhaps equip you to best decide on what you really want and what’s best for you and your hopes of a happy relationship.

Which brings me to the nub of why I wrote this book. Basically, it’s because God has a sense of humour. I have daughters of my own today, as do all my friends who are also big players.

The thought that someone might do to my daughters what I did to other men’s daughters is absolutely frightening. So this book is dedicated to my three beautiful daughters. Daddy loves you. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you, and that includes breaking the bro code that you will come across in this book.

They say girls end up dating and marrying the boys who are in some respects like their fathers. Again, that’s not a comforting thought for me, and I suppose I’ll have my own share of sleepless nights in the years to come – like many fathers do.

But I will at least know that my girls will not be blind to reality.

I hope they won’t be like many of the women I encounter regularly, who are walking around with some very strange ideas about relationships. I don’t entirely know where they got it all from, and the truth is they probably don’t entirely know either. Some of it was probably from their own mothers, other women, maybe Oprah, Dr Phil, the church, their friends – everything that could possibly have had an influence on them. And, to be fair, some of what they took to heart was good advice, but there’s a lot that simply seems ridiculous.

There are libraries full of relationship-advice books, but the divorce rate remains sky high.

How many of these books are willing to challenge the comfortable truths about relationships and openly discuss the less palatable aspects of why we keep walking into relationships that chew us up and spit us out?

Although this book may have its flaws, as all books do, it won’t be guilty of trying to reassure you with falsehoods. The first step to any sort of self-liberation or personal development (as in any area of life) is to stop lying to yourself about whatever it is you’ve been lying to yourself about.

Deep down, I think anyone can work out what that might be – even if they’ve been doing it for decades. Those lies cause personal pain and anguish so strong that you can be suffering in silence so profoundly you will feel as if your heart wants to collapse into a black hole.

And no one around might know.

So I hope reading this book could be part of your own journey as a woman to understanding the things you can change, the things you can’t and developing – sing it with me, sister, you know how the lines to this one go – the wisdom to know the difference. 

I hope you enjoy and learn from the uncomfortable truths I will be sharing in this book. Every lesson in this book was written with one aim, which is for you to be wiser when dealing with men in general, and men like me – who wouldn’t think anything of breaking your heart – in particular. You might be offended by some of the things you read here. That’s all good. It may even be part of the process of you wising up. But be offended into action – as long as that doesn’t involve you hunting me down to put poison in my coffee. 

What your mama said

The first person who probably gave you relationship advice was your mom – or the person closest to being a mom for you. She most likely gave you the relationship advice verbally or, more importantly, in the way she interacted with your dad or other partner/s.

Children always learn best by example, and the example your mom set when she interacted with whoever that special man was taught you either good or bad ways of behaving in a relationship. The hard part is figuring out which of these things were good or bad; which were worth keeping and building on and which are you better off not trying to emulate?

So much of it could be hardwired into you – either by being exposed to so much of how you saw her behave, or because you share so many genes with your mom and are a biological extension of her (the whole nature vs nurture debate). They say we spend all our younger years trying so hard to not be like our parents, and then we grow up to become so much like them, especially after we get kids of our own.

None of that needs to be predetermined or cast in stone though. Every person has every choice in the world available to them on how to behave.

I’ve dated many girls who subconsciously act like their mothers. They don’t even realise it. If I were to have pointed it out, I doubt they would have been pleased to hear it. 

Having known their mothers, I immediately picked up on the telltale traits. I often see so many similarities to my own mom in my sister. The results can be wonderful, just as they can be frustrating.

The one trait that most moms wish their daughters will develop is the ephemeral quality of being a lady.

Before you accuse me of sexism, all I’m saying is that as much as there are certain things every man must learn to be considered a gentleman, there are things every woman might be advised to add to her approach to life to be called a lady.

A gentleman, by my reckoning, is someone who tries, at all times, to make the experience of others better simply because he is around. He is friendly, polite, well mannered and helpful. He doesn’t only take care of his appearance, but has a well-defined sense of right and wrong and can stand up for his principles. At all times, he tries to make the world a better place in numerous small, but significant ways. He lives by the philosophical idea that you shouldn’t do something that would make the world a worse place if everyone were to do the same thing.

That’s the reason why a gentleman doesn’t pick his nose or scratch his balls in public – because it’s unpleasant for others to witness. And society would be the worse for it if every man thought it was fine to fart whenever he felt like it.

To me, a lady is much the same. It’s a woman who understands that living well is also an art form and she does things with a sense of purpose and self-awareness.

I say that most moms would like their daughters to be ladies. I’m not talking about the mothers who are themselves lost – selling their kids for money or drugs, or just being a terrible example themselves.

I’ve heard many mothers saying to their daughters: Sit right, sweetheart. Cross your legs. Or: Ladies don’t sit like that; speak softly, like a lady, eat properly. Ladies don’t eat like that. The etiquette instruction of being a lady becomes part of the daughter’s upbringing. When it’s time for the birds and bees talk, moms sometimes take the ladylike etiquette too far though.

Men respect ladies, yes, and men also want their women to act like ladies at all times – but ladies also have wild, outrageous sex. If you were to point out Ladies don’t have sex in public with the whole football team I would wholeheartedly agree, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t abandon themselves to having sex with their partner just as freely when they do have sex.

When the bedroom door closes, no man has time for crossed legs or talking softly; we want you to suck our manhood and moan and scream our names. You might have not seen your mom behave that way, because hopefully you never saw her having sex. But you didn’t come into this world because a stork brought you or because of divine conception.

You have to shake what your mama gave you, as the hip-hop track goes. And do it unashamedly.

Your mom might not have given you chapter and verse of the Kama Sutra but every man will appreciate it if it turns out you memorised and internalised it on your own. 

They call it Adult World for a reason. Some things you can only discover on your own. Don’t expect a mother, a sister or a friend to show you.

Sex

Before we get into all the more complicated relationship problems, conundrums and theories about love, let’s talk about the main driving force that brings men and women together in the first place. Behind it all, behind all the madness and the heartbreak, is sex.

So why does it matter so much?

Our libidos are the completely insane drive that can get us into trouble and wreck our lives if we’re not careful. The human sex drive is one of the most powerful personal forces that each of us will ever have. If you’re not willing to acknowledge or even try to understand the great force of nature that is the human sex drive, then we’re not going to understand one another, no matter how many times you read this book.

Even if your own sex drive is not strong (or stopped being so at one point), keep in mind that most people do need sex and their natural imperative can express itself in all sorts of ways, good and bad – but express itself it will. There’s no reason why the people we want to have sex with can’t be the people we fall in love with, but few guys need to love someone to have sex with her and enjoy it – and of course the same goes for women. So let’s get that assumption out of the way right at the start: sex, especially for guys, is an end in itself. There’s a joke that goes a woman needs a reason to have sex; a guy just needs a place.

But guys are not entirely shallow either. We also want to be loved, adored and cherished and to give that to others in return. As the person who’s easily the most sexless woman I could ever imagine – Mother Teresa – once said: The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. She was, of course, right. But as Woody Allen also put it: Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.

So let’s take it as a given that men and women are indeed going to fall in love and have sex, but they’re also just going to have sex for all sorts of other reasons – including just to have sex because they want to have sex.

McDonald’s goes with burgers like sex goes with relationships. If you end up at a McDonald’s drive-thru that doesn’t have burgers you’ll be as perplexed as a guy who ends up dating a woman who never plans to give him any sex. It’s not how we expect the script to go.

Few movies are made that don’t feature someone having sex at some point, just as few lives are lived without sex. Apparently, nearly forty percent of the internet consists of porn, which, if you think about it, is astounding. The internet today supposedly holds the sum total of all human knowledge – just about every thought that’s ever been imagined or expressed, every film that’s ever been made and every song. And right next to that is a seemingly limitless trove of people having sex and being watched by people who wish they were having sex.

So whether one admits to it or not, everyone is fascinated by sex.

Sex is not confined to the dirtier reaches of the internet, of course, it’s everywhere: subtly or not so subtly. It’s been used to sell every product, from spanners to shotguns to perfume. It’s launched wars and ended them. It’s made stars of people we all want to have sex with and sex (generally the kind they shouldn’t have been having) has seen the fall from grace of those very same people. 

And relationships that have started with sex have sometimes ended with marriages that have lasted for more than fifty years, just as so much puppy love has ended after one unsatisfying sexual encounter between two people (or just one of them) who had no idea what they were doing.

Whether you’ve had lots of sex before or you’re still a virgin, chances are you are still going to have lots of sex. So, like anything else in life, if you’re going to do something you may as well do it well.

Anyone can be good at sex, and everyone should be good at it. Few excuses can really hold water if you’re serious about wanting to satisfy not only yourself but the person who’s taken the risk to make themselves vulnerable and available to you.

This book is not about giving advice to men on how to be better lovers – though I’m sure most of them could do with some serious training. But the problem for women who want to learn to be good at sex is that guys can be reserved when it comes to telling their partners what they’re after. The blunt fact is that we live in a culture that’s still pretty conservative when it comes to the bedroom, and guys are nervous that if they express what turns them on and what they wish a woman would do for and with them, they’ll be labelled perverts. 

So they keep it to themselves and fantasise about it – and the problem is that if you’re not giving it to them, they might eventually go looking for it elsewhere, something that may have been avoided if you’d only known he wanted it and he had told you how he wanted it.

So go ahead and try to get him to open up to you, telling yourself you won’t show too much shock when he does eventually open up to you – even if inside you are completely amazed this sweet guy could be such a dirty bastard. Remember, everyone has two faces: the one they show the world and the one they show their lover. Those can be – and should be – two completely different faces. And the bedroom should be a place of ultimate trust, openness and acceptance.

Even if he’s not going to tell you what he wants (some guys simply will never open up regardless of what you do), there are some basic things you should always keep in mind for almost any guy. 

Because you should give your man good lovin’. For him and for yourself.

It’s very hard to walk away from someone who gives you good sex; good sex makes a guy very forgiving of things he would not normally forgive if the sex was bad.

And rightly or wrongly, men never believe they are the reason for bad sex; we believe we own the right to judge if the sex was good or bad. We believe we’re the judge, the jury and the sexecutioner. It’s a male failing. Even horrible male lovers probably think they’re amazing. It’s up to you to get him to improve ... but we’ll get to that later.

A comedian once said your man is more nasty than he would admit. This is completely true. He has been watching porn since he turned twelve. He probably never skipped a day of masturbating between the ages of twelve and sixteen. Masturbation requires imagination and you probably can’t imagine the nasty stuff he was thinking about while doing it.

One of your tasks in life should be to try to fulfil your fantasies and his. Find his, fulfil his, and it will lead to yours. Your man may want to do things to you he will not have the courage to say. You should suck or fuck it out of him. He should confess it like a dying man – only you should be killing him with pleasure.

A man with no sexual fantasy is a man not to be trusted. He’s lying to you and why does he feel the need to lie to you? Especially if your relationship is as strong as you think it is. Whether it’s screwing you in the arse, coming all over your face, being watched or watching, there’ll be something in there. Dig for it and try not to judge him when he finally spills the beans.

It’s a fantasy and it doesn’t have to happen if you’re not comfortable with it.

Fantasies differ. You’ll get the reasonable requests like coming in your face, fucking outside in a park (still illegal, by the way) and then you’ll get the admission that he wants to screw you and your sister or you and your best friend (never agree to those, by the way, unless you are really strong enough to handle all the fallout).

And never feel blackmailed into having to fulfil any sick fantasies. Have your boundaries. I always say that, whatever you do, make sure it will not rip away a part of your soul. Have fun, but stay switched on. 

Myself and many of my friends have made girls do the nastiest shit imaginable, like screwing their sisters in the name of fantasy. Some of those women are probably still dealing with regrets about it, but it was never as important to us as we pretended it was – hence you’ll probably find we can’t even remember all their names any more.

So everything has limits – and be nasty only within those limits. Let it simply be good sex. Because getting bad sex from someone you were perhaps fantasising about for months or years is the biggest disappointment imaginable. It’s like a kid seeing an amazing roller coaster that he stands in line for an hour to ride, only to find health and safety regulations allow him to crawl along at just 20km/h.

The gap between what you might have been expecting and what you really got was so big that it’s kind of crushing. So be a roller coaster without brakes. Make him scream.

I’ve been with women who made me blow fuses in my brain the sex was so amazing and I’ve been with those who made the thought of being electrocuted seem more exciting and pleasurable.

And just because you’re

Reviews for The Uncomfortable Truth

[Nophus Moatswi · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Enjoyed it, a good read for young woman out there, guys as well can have a peek