Yet You Married Him: The Signs Are Always There

By Phindile Yende

Often times the burden we carry as women derives from the erroneous decision taken when choosing our lifetime partners. The connection we make with these men leads us to believing that we have found our "perfect-match" or soul-mate! Then without hesitation, we disregard contemplating or the urge to seek guidance through giving ourselves time to know what the "perfect-match" is all about nor who he really is. "Bear in mind that not every women has put proper thought and deliberation prior to sealing God's union and covenant which is meant to never be broken."

Yet, You Married Him looks into twenty two characters of men that as women we have either crossed paths with or currently married to or perhaps contemplating spending the rest of our lives with.

It's a book in which Phindile Yende describes these characters of men in how they were socialized, their backgrounds, their views on life, their current mental, social and economic stance which eventually leads them to their current behavioural patterns which play an integral part in how their marriage or relationship will pan out. However the women always being aware of the signs..... yet, marrying them.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Phindile Yende
• Release date: May 18, 2021

Book preview

YET YOU MARRIED HIM

The Signs Are Always There!!

By Phindile Yende

Copyright

YET YOU MARRIED HIM

By Phindile Yende

All Rights Reserved

Copyright © 2019 Phindile Yende

Print ISBN: 9780620821148

Cover Design by Answers Consultation (Herbert Chaunzwa )

Edited & Proofread by Linda F. Mabaso

Cover, layout, eBook conversion and online distribution by www.bulabuka.co.za

A legal deposit of this book is available at, National Library of South Africa under Legal Deposit Act, no. 54 of 1997

All rights reserved. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, decompiled, reverse engineered or stored in a retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Phindile Yende and the publisher.

We hope you enjoy the wisdom in this book by Phindile. Our goal and aim is to publish thought-provoking books that will transform people’s lives for the better through wisdom, knowledge and a greater understanding of modern-day society.

Acknowledgements

My sons, Leruo and Morui. My two little angels that the Almighty God has graciously blessed me with, to love, nurture and to fully experience the wonderful glory of God through your unconditional love and joy you bring into my life. I am forever grateful. This book may be of little insignificance in your young age but I know that one day, when you are all grown up, you will have the privilege to read it.

And my hope is that regardless of what your journey of life will unravel, you will learn from it and always strive to be better men and great husbands to the queens you will one day marry.

To my parents, Letlapa and Vusimuzi Yende. You did your best to give me the best possible life you could give, and you also lived by example in showing me what marriage should be like. Not ever did you imply that marriage should be perfect or portrayed that your own marriage is perfect, however, you instilled in me values that no man will ever be able to take away from me.

Even if I lose them for a moment, who I truly am will always prevail and I will always reclaim my power.

My dearest father, it was admirable to always see you put us first. You instilled in your daughters, Phangisile and I, the strength and ability to withstand the societal mindset of settling for less from any man, and entrenched many more lessons that will build us to be the strong women you raised us to be. And my dear mother, you loved our father with all his faults. Your exemplary behaviour showed us as your daughters and our brother Valela that a strong-willed woman can be the rock of her family without compromising herself and her happiness.

I have been blessed to stand on the shoulders of giants. Thank You Mama and Papa. A special thank you to my wonderful siblings, Phangisile and Valela Yende, the best gifts my parents could have ever given me. Your unfailing love and support never falls short.

About the book

Getting married is always a great decision to make. However when that decision is made based on the wrong reasons then the path ahead becomes rather onerous. Women are often so consumed with the idea of getting married as if it is some sort of achievement and they enter the union without doing proper diligence on the man they have planned or chosen to spend the rest of their lives with. Men they believe are their soul mates however never honestly fully contemplating on what they are truly about. Various characters of men are indentified in this book. Men that women have either dated in their past or currently. Perhaps men that one will find themselves either married to or divorced. Their personalities,attitude,value systems,habits and social relationship all being of paramount significance in making a marriage a success or failure. Attributes needing to be observed and carefully thought through before the beautiful union of marriege is entered into. One that could last a lifetime if one truly observed the signs and asked themselves if they would both be able to make it work. As the signs are always there and yet,you marry him.

About the Author

Phindile Yende, an advocate for the empowerment of women. She is passionate about the advancement of women and youth and is a Mandela Washington Fellow, an initiative that was started by Former President Barack Obama. She currently serves as the deputy president of the African Women’s Movement, an organisation that prepares young emerging women leaders to occupy key leadership roles of authority. Amongst the numerous hats she wears, she is also a businesswoman in the healthcare industry.

Preface

Genesis 2:18, then the Lord said, It is not good for man to be alone, I will make him a helper suitable for him.

Then the man said, This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.

From the word of God, it is clear that great thought was put into the need and creation of a woman. From her physical embodiment of her being. Her outer beauty that attracts a man at first glance, her breast that protrude from her chest that feed and nurtures a man from birth. Her soft hips that shape and curve her body. Her soft skin that makes her gentle and soft to touch. Her inner being and her inner soul, crafted with true intricacy.

Woman, made from the rib of a man. Like a true creation from a rib, she still protects and supports a man, still remains a man’s helper and fulfils her duty regardless of the pain man brings to her.

Proverbs 18:23; He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.

Marriage is a beautiful union, a covenant between two people and God. However, marriage over the decades, has become more of a burden to God’s most wonderful creation, Women!

This book is about the burden we carry as women in our marriages. Deriving from the decision made on the partner we chose to spend our lifetime with. We come across these men that we believed are our soul mates. Men whom we have never honestly contemplated on what they are truly all about prior to sealing God’s union.

How often does it occur that a woman would really ask herself whether the man she has chosen to be with, is the kind of partner God desires for her or that when she agreed to spend a lifetime with this man it was for the right reasons. Nonetheless, as the Lord says in his word, A helper suitable for him. But are we ever certain that we marry the man chosen by God for us and who’s suitable for us?

Getting married is always a great decision to make, however, when that decision is made based on the wrong reasons then the path ahead becomes rather onerous. As women, we are so consumed with the idea of getting married as if it is some sort of achievement when sadly, the ideas and the pressures we succumb to have limited us in such a way that the now is the only thing we ponder upon. We cling on these false beliefs that things will change during the marital journey and that reality is only a figment of the imagination. We have fooled ourselves so much with misleading thoughts such as, nothing is perfect so we might as well just get into it without doing due diligence on the individual we have trusted and planned to spend the rest of our lives with. Not forgetting, every girl’s dream of one day being a beautiful princess walking down the aisle in a white wedding gown. And as silly as it may sound, combined with the pressures of society that expect a woman who reaches a certain age to be married and has bared children. These are undoubtedly major contributing factors to women finding themselves with men they never truly anticipated a real marriage with. Regretfully serving as a false foundation for marriage, a recipe for complete disaster.

With all said, I completely believe in the sanctity and beauty of marriage. I believe that when God has brought you together as suitable companions for each other and both parties have given proper thought around the most important aspects needed to build a good marriage with true love being at the essence of it, then marriage can be the most beautiful and fulfilling union. I also accept the reality that there is no perfect marriage regardless of whether all the right boxes have been ticked. However, I have grown to know that when one ignores the signs and makes a decision based on the wrong reasons, then what is meant to be God’s covenant will only be an enormous burden to carry while over the years it gradually becomes almost impossible to carry.

As you read this book, the various characters of men written about are men we have all had some sort of encounter with at some point in our lives. Therefore, you will be able to identify with a number of characters mentioned. Men you have either dated in your past or are currently committed to, or even men you now call your husbands. Their personalities, attitudes, values, habits and social relationships being of paramount significance in making your marriage a success or failure, are attributes needing to be observed and carefully thought through. A lot of marriages could last a lifetime and be completely fulfilling in all aspects, with flaws that could be easily overlooked and repaired. Only if we as women, fearfully and wonderfully made as we are, would look at the signs and ask ourselves if we would be able to live with what we see because in more than one way, what we see is who the man is, his true self and his true character. Then, that is when we can honestly ask ourselves whether we would be able to build a life with the man we choose or have chosen to take the lifelong marital journey with.

1. Baby Mama Drama

Xolani, I know you bought that little trophy wife of yours a Porsche? Lerato said.

Hi Lerato! Don’t you greet!? For goodness sake, why are you always so rude!? What do you want?

You’re a sorry excuse for a man! Busy buying your wife a Porsche yet your child doesn’t even go to a decent school! Lerato said.

Before you come here and insult my wife and I! I’m certain you do know that she works and works very hard for her money, in contrast to you trying to milk every cent I have!

Just know that I’m taking you back to court. I want more money for maintenance because I’m enrolling Busi in a private school. I will see you in court! Lerato hangs up.

This is one of the many conversations you be listening on and we call it Baby Mama Drama!

While most and not all of these women want to make men pay for leaving them with a child or children. They often forget that these men left them and not the children. And they will arrogantly use the child at every opportunity they have to get to your men! This occurs either by enticing men back to them or by simply just trying to get something out of them, which most of the time is money.

As the current woman, you are bound to be the blame for every bad decision made by your man. I should not even say every bad decision but rather every decision that just doesn’t suit the baby mama. The advent of time has seen more men who actually want to co-parent but even when these cooperative men do their best, there will still be those baby mamas who will pull all stops in causing a strife even to an extent of causing fights in your peaceful homes.

When married to a man with baby mama issues, one must constantly tread lightly when it comes to the children he shares with this woman or women. Making it very difficult even in the most innocent conversations held with your beloved. Something as trivial as referring to the child as, your child could cause a huge fight. Innocent as it might have been voiced out, but purely because there are other children between you and your beloved, what you said comes across as though you no longer consider his kids your own as you did in the beginning of the marriage when you whispered sweet words about how his kids will now be your own children. Sadly, your man has conveniently forgotten that you often use the term very much so even with your own children whom you yourself gave birth to. However, for peace sake, you just watch your speech my darling!

Furthermore, you have always been certain that you would be alright with the kids visiting every second weekend or every weekend or on holidays for that matter. Forgetting that you are a working woman and some weekends and holidays the nanny is not there, since they are also entitled to some time off. Not once did you ever contemplate on how hard it is to look after your own children and now you must look after another woman’s child or children when at that time the baby mama is having a blast. Happily indulging in some ‘me time’ while you have a squad to babysit. Then comes the predicament when you have come into the marriage with another man’s child and find yourself having to overcompensate for the fact that your hubby is fathering another man’s child and not his own on a daily basis! I mean you took it as far as giving the child your husband’s surname and if that’s not enough, you still feel that by overcompensating with his other kids he will then love yours equally if not more. Then as months go by, being the perfect stepmom worsens when his life continues as normal even though it’s his kids that he doesn’t see on a daily. But he still decides to go out with his boys for a couple of beers or scheduled business meetings. After all, they are your kids too right!? You vowed to love and care for his kids as if they were your own, so if he is able to leave you on weekends with the children you birthed, then why should things change when your other kids come around?

Therefore, it becomes an argument that will just come out as

offensive while sadly its now double the mess! They enthusiastically run a mock around the house but dare shout at the baby mama’s child, just try to raise your voice and your whole week will be met with exaggeration from her endless complaints about how you mistreated her child and what a bad stepmom you are. Unfortunately, when you’re stuck with such a woman in your marriage, every word you say to that child will be under scrutiny and every action taken will be judged, no matter how innocent it is. This goes to an extent where giving the child a slice of pizza gets compared to that of your own! So, you better make sure that slice is the same size as that of your own child, not an inch smaller. This could be