Scotch Writings: I Drink and I Write Things

By Jules Hilden

What happens when a writer drinks scotch and does some free writing? You'll find out in this book. Be ready for some vulgarity and get inside the author as she shares her inebriated brain nuggets. This book is unique and entertaining, as there is nothing else quite like it out there. This is a great conversation piece and/or coffee table book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Aug 9, 2017
• ISBN: 9781387153756

Book preview

Scotch Writings: I Drink and I Write Things

Scotch Writings:

I Drink and

I Write Things

Musings due to drinking and free writing

Jules Hilden

Scotch Writings: I Drink and I Write Things

By: Jules Hilden

Copyright  2017 Jules Hilden

Cover photo  Jules Hilden. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means – except in the case of brief quotations embodied in articles or reviews – without written permission from its publisher.

First edition: 2017

IBSN: 978-1-387-15375-6

Published in US by Lulu.com

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my father, Gary A. Hilden, for he is the reason I started drinking Scotch. He died when I was 14, so I don’t have as many memories of him as I would like. Scent is a powerful memory provoker and the smell of Scotch makes me think of him, even though he didn’t drink all that often. When he did drink it, he was sitting with friends and having a lovely evening. I equate Scotch with friends, love, and laughter. Luckily, I have been able to hold onto his Scotch glasses as well and that’s what you see on the cover. My father and I were more alike than I realized when I was young. It’s sad to know we both missed so much, but there is also much that I learned from him. He was the one who knew I would be a writer and smiled when he thought about it.

I also have to mention my former father-in-law, David Malloy, who is also no longer with us, as he was a lover of Scotch too. How wonderful that I was never able to share a Scotch with my father, but I shared many with my father-in-law. He showed me how to live your life to the fullest and do it with a smile on your face with laughter and scotch in your belly.

Scotch Writings: I Drink and I Write Things

Scotch writings can be provocative. They can be hilarious. They can be unpredictable. They won’t be edited. They won’t be stifled. There is a freeness in the writings like there should be with everything else.

Life should be all about Scotch writings.

I like Scotch. I guess it’s somewhat unusual since I’m a woman and I drink Scotch, but I’m unusual. I like martial arts, cars, weapons, and I drink Scotch. I also like bunnies, high heels, and dating men. I will try to be authentic throughout this book and its writings.

Scotch Writings was an idea I had one night when I was drinking Scotch. Shocker. 

I started drinking it in my twenties and quickly got right to the single malts. I will drink other alcoholic beverages, but many times I wish I had a Scotch instead. When people ask me which beer I would like to drink, I usually ask them which one tastes the most like Scotch.

So, let’s talk about Scotch. It’s warm. It’s strong. It may burn in the beginning, but soon you start to taste the sweetness of the whiskey. It stays with you. The finish remains in your mouth and you continue to be reminded of the tasty drink you just swallowed.

The rules for my Scotch writing will be that I, of course, must be drinking Scotch. No other whiskey will suffice. No wine. No beer. No other alcohol. Only Scotch. I’m not a rules person, but this is a must. It’s fun and easy, as long as I have Scotch on hand. The trouble is that I live in Minnesota and our liquor stores are not open on Sundays, so I have to think ahead on Saturdays.

I just posted a meme to a meme group I’m in. As I was posting it, I was suddenly afraid that I posted it to the wrong page. I was afraid that I might have posted it to my personal Facebook page. What was

it, you wonder? It was something provocative and offensive, of course.

Why does one drink Scotch? Or alcohol for that matter? It makes you relaxed and feel good. Little aches and pains subside. You also, often, lose your ability to monitor the words that come out of your mouth. You have a high possibility of telling people that you love them and other truths.

I like that I tell more people that I love them when I have been drinking. It honestly only usually takes one drink and I tell someone that I love him or her. Well, I love most people. I try to love everyone. I mean I don’t try to seduce them. Hold on; let me say something else quickly. We need more words for love in English. I can tell an animal, my son, a friend, and a romantic sweetheart all that I love them. It can be different kinds of love, but it’s always the same word.

Of course, I could use a thesaurus and try to find other words for love. Fondness, lust, infatuation, passion, yearning, affection, worship, zeal… See how the words get a bit different after a while. And none of them really mean love. Oh well. I love Scotch, but not in the same way I love my car. Well, maybe. I often call them both by name. My Scotch is often Glen and my car’s name is Lowell. Why Lowell? I’m usually more creative, but the license plate letters are LWL and it’s the only name that seemed to work once I got the plates. I figured that my car is pretty hipster and the name is too.

What’s the point of this randomness? I don’t remember. Let me take another drink.

I was talking about love, eh? Sorry, sometimes I let a little Canadian slip out since I’m from Minnesota. Love. I’ve found that I love the word. I love being called Love. Whether it’s my friends or my sweetheart, I love hearing someone call me love. It’s the best nickname ever. It’s better than sweetie or honey. It’s better than when people call me LeeLee or Toonces the Driving Cat…or Goose. Gawd, now I remember high school.

So, again, why Scotch writings? I guess the idea is that my veil will be lifted and I can write whatever I want. I tend to stifle myself. I like to blame that on society and public school, of course. I like to say that we are all born creative and then we are taught to stifle. We are told to get in line with everyone else. Our crayons are taken away and we are given one graphite pencil. The colors in our life are minimized just like everything else.

Why the Fuck Not

My nails grow quite well on their own and I can usually get them to look nice. But, it seems like the middle fingernails always break first. Am I doing something wrong? It’s always the middle finger.

Oh, and I’m working on my self-defense talk. I’m wondering if I can drink Scotch while I speak. There could be an application for that. Keeping your head straight even while drinking. Staying aware of your surroundings while drinking. It could be useful. I imagine it would be something like the Rat Pack doing a comedy routine. I can have a sword in one hand and a glass of Scotch in the other. Wait. Is that weird?

Now, I kind of want the cover of this book to have a picture of me with a sword in one hand and a Scotch in the other. Why the fuck not, am I right?

Oh, can we talk about all these made up words lately? These are the words that make me feel old because I have to look them up. Like Bae, for a while. I find that one pretty stupid, but I think it’s dying out. I got someone saying noice today. Noice? What the fuck is noice? With how horrible everyone’s grammar and spelling is, I can’t tell if it was bad spelling or on purpose. Then you have welp. What the hell is that? Again. I kept thinking that people were just misspelling the word. There are a lot of idiots, you know.

Stahp

Another word that isn’t a word is stahp. Or is it staph. No. I think that would be an f sound. Either way, it’s stupid. What’s wrong with people?

Do you know what the whole idea of life is? Is this too early in the book to talk about this? Well, we’re talking about it now. You want to string together as many moments of joy as possible. You want to do things that make you smile.

It’s that simple. It’s that easy. Don’t make life more difficult for yourself. Give yourself pleasure. Make your life pleasurable. Why would you want it any other way? Who told you life is supposed to be difficult? Who told you that you are supposed to be miserable? Why would you believe anyone who would say such a thing or make you believe it?

Why do people think you need to work at a job you hate and you live to pay bills? Why do people think you need to work so hard before you can get anything nice? Why do people think that life is supposed to be difficult?

I reject any of those ideas. I want my life to be easy. I want my life to filled with love. I want my life to filled with laughter. I want to live. Live, laugh, love. Maybe I should get that as